Roz: See, there's this great woman who lives in my building. She's beautiful, and funny-
Frasier: Just stop right there, Roz. I do not go out on blind dates. They're demeaning and a hideous waste of time. No, thank you. No.
Roz: It's not for you, it's for your father.
Frasier: Oh! What time should he pick her up?
Roz: Wait a minute. Blind dates are okay for your father, but not for you?
Frasier: Yes. That also goes for games with balls, domestic beer, and giant trucks that roll over smaller ones.

Frasier: Dad! Dad! I have to talk to you about Niles. I got a call on the show today from a German woman whose husband is a fencing instructor that she suspects is having an affair with his wealthy new client.
Martin: And?
Frasier: Don't you find that the least bit incriminating?
Martin: No, I find it a coincidence. Seattle's a big city, I'm sure there's a bunch of German fencing instructors, each one with dozens of students.
Frasier: Yes, but are they wealthy students?
Martin: No. They're inner-city kids trying to work their way out of the ghetto with nothing but a foil and a dream.

Frasier: Apparently she worked for a German family that turned up in Guatemala... [deep voice] just after the war.

Niles: All right, fine, you want to challenge me? En garde!
Frasier: Oh yes, Niles, that's just what we need, a fourth language!

Frasier: Niles, you can't possibly fight this man!
Niles: Are you forgetting? I've been fencing since prep school!
Frasier: Yes, oh, so what? The man was obviously born with a sword in his hand. He probably performed his own Caesarean!

Roz: We have Gretchen calling back about her husband's affair. She thinks she has more evidence.
Frasier: Hello, Gretchen. I'm listening.
Gretchen: "Oh, Dr. Crane. I took Roz's advice and gave my husband two choices for dinner, and he picked the diet plate!"
Frasier: But that is no proof that he's having an affair.
Gretchen: But Gunnar has a healthy appetite!
Frasier: No, no, the proof is-is phone bills, uh, credit card receipts- Gunnar?
Gretchen: I also found a love letter he wrote to her.
Frasier: And how long were you going to keep that a secret, Gretchen? Come on, work with me here. What does it say?
Gretchen: "Mein kleiner Leberknodel,"
Frasier: I-I'm sorry, I don't speak German.
Gretchen: It means, "my little liver dumpling." That used to be his pet name for me.
Frasier: Well, maybe he's writing to you.
Gretchen: "It can't be me. He says he loves her beautiful little body, as thin as his sword, and her skin as white as bratwurst, and that she's his nicht ganz menschliche Frau."
Frasier: What is that?
Gretchen: "I don't know if there's a word in English. The closest translation is, 'not quite human woman.'"
Frasier: Oh, dear God, it is her!

Niles: There you are. [Gunnar looks up] Yes, I'm talking to you, strudel boy! No one seduces my wife and gets away with it. You probably thought because of my refined bearing and swimmer's build that I wouldn't put up a fight for the woman I love. But you're dead wrong, because real men have a thing called "honor!" [Gunnar stands up and is significantly taller than Niles.] Yow! You wouldn't know about that, would you?
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: You wouldn't know how decent people behave.
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: You wouldn't know the meaning of the word "rectitude!"
Frasier: Niles, he wouldn't know the meaning of the word "dog," "cat," or "pencil!" He doesn't speak English, remember?!

Niles: He doesn't speak a word of English, so Maris gets to brush up on her German while she parries and thrusts.
Frasier: Maris is learning German, huh? Just when you thought she couldn't get any cuddlier.

Marta: Missy Crane esta en la caja.
Frasier: "Mrs. Crane is in the box."
Marta: En la caja. [Marta leaves]
Frasier: Maris! This is Frasier. I am tired of waiting for you to come out of this ridiculous deprivation tank. Now, listen. We've got to talk and we've got to talk about Niles. Will you come out of there? Look, Maris, I know that you're having an affair. But I care for you both, and I want to help you do what's best for your marriage. Oh, will you stop this? Just come- Come out of this box! All right. All right, I'm going to open this door! I'm going to count to three and I don't care if you're naked! I'm going to count to ten! Oh, the hell with this! All right!
[Frasier opens the hatch. A stunned Niles is dripping wet and shirtless]
Frasier: Niles, I'm so sorry. Marta, you said Mrs. Crane was in the box.
Marta: Si, Missy Crane.
Frasier: No, that's Mister Crane!
Niles: Marta has trouble with her pronouns.

Frasier: He says he wants you to apologize. He didn't steal ... your shoes.
Niles: My shoes?!
Frasier: Yes, I'm sorry. Apparently I mistranslated.