Frasier: I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, and this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist.
Niles: My brother is too kind. He was already eminent when my eminence was merely imminent.

Martin: Boy, you and Niles, it's been the same since you were kids. If one of you has something, the other one always has to have it, too. I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two découpage kits, two pairs of lederhosen. When you finally moved out of the house, that was one embarrassing garage sale.

Frasier: I don't think the membership committee would look kindly on your being arrested for mooning President
Nixon at the campaign rally.
Niles: I was young and firm and in love with an anarchist.

Martin: Well, just go stag.
Frasier: No, I've RSVP'd for two. I'll look like some loser who couldn't even scrape up a date.
Martin: Hey, what are we worried about? We've got our very own Cinderella right under this roof.
[Daphne enters, heading for the kitchen]
Daphne: Well, that's the last time I try to get grout up without wearing rubber gloves. I've got so much gunk under me nails I look like I've been worming a pig.
Martin: [to Frasier] Trust me, the English accent will sell it.

Niles: Well, if only one of us can be honored with a membership, I hope it will be you, Frasier.
Kenneth Spencer: That's a very noble sentiment.
Niles: Well, I know how much it means to him. We can't risk another splashy suicide attempt.
Frasier: That's very amusing, Niles, using humor to defuse a tense situation. I'm sure that stood you in good stead when you were in prison for threatening the president.

Frasier: Oh, Niles. What are you doing here?
Niles: Oh, just stopped by to see how you'd like to go to lunch next week at the Empire Club.
Frasier: You know someone who's a member?
Niles: No, but you may.
Frasier: What are you up to? You have that same smug look you had on your face when you found that recording of Kirsten Flagstad's 1932 "Gotterdammerung" in the discount bin.

Roz: So, Niles is getting into the Empire Club?
Frasier: Well, it would appear so. More power to him. After all, he deserves to have lunch in that private dining room, and read the Wall Street Journal in that fabled mahogany library.
Roz: It's eating you up inside, isn't it?
Frasier: Like a carnivorous bacteria.

Martin: Where's Maris?
Niles: Uh, she stayed in the Mercedes, practicing her vivacious giggle.

Frasier: What if some other candidate has gone to the trouble of researching the skeletons in our own closet?
[Frasier and Niles glance over at Martin, who opens a can of beer which explodes in his face.]
Martin: Damn it. [Martin attempts to dry his face with his shirt]
Niles: Well, that's as bad as it gets.

Niles: What are you doing here?
Daphne: Oh, Frasier takes me everywhere, don't you, sweetheart? I think I'll go sample some of the hors d'oeuvres. Back in a minute, darling.
Niles: "Sweetheart?" "Darling?"
Frasier: Listen, my date canceled. Daphne's filling in, all right? You can't honestly think that I would end up going out with Daphne?
Niles: Well, you are a man. She is a goddess. Whose bedroom is, after all, only forty-one steps from your own.