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‘Someone to Watch Over Me’ Quotes

Frasier: Someone to Watch Over Me

219. Someone to Watch Over Me

Aired March 28, 1995

Frasier is alarmed when his "#1 fan" seems to be showing a little too much interest in him.

Quote from Martin

Daphne: Oh, how sweet. Your fan knitted you a scarf.
Frasier: Yes, but when did she find the time to put it in my briefcase. I haven't had it out of my hand all day, except for when I was in the barber's chair.
Martin: Hell, that didn't give her more than thirty seconds.

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Quote from Daphne

Niles: She has the handwriting of a sociopath.
Frasier: Oh, she does not.
Niles: Big loops.
Daphne: That's exactly how Scotland Yard caught "The Butcher of Brighton". He used big loops, a clear sign of anger. And he crossed his t's in a downward stroke indicating aggression. Of course, he also kept a Demitasse saucer full of eyelids on his night table. [Daphne leaves the room]
Frasier: Anybody here besides me think we should put a two-way lock on her door?

Quote from Frasier

Roz: Be careful out there. There's a lot of creeps.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, I hate that word "creeps". I've met a lot of odd people in this business and I never refer to any of them as a "creep".
Bulldog: Hey, Roz, will you stop wearing those corduroys? I can't see your pantyline.
Frasier: Although some people do send me groping for synonyms.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: Yes, well I'm sorry. It's not like I'm nominated for a SeaBea every year. Oh, wait a minute, yes it is!
Niles: Well as some illustrious person once said, "popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."
Frasier: You just made that up didn't you?
Niles: Yes, but I stand by it.

Quote from Frasier

Caller: "I don't understand it, Doc. I'm a successful guy. I have my own car dealership, but still I'm depressed. You've probably heard of me, Madman Martinez."
Frasier: Well, what seems to be the source of your depression Madman?
Caller: "I guess it's just that business is down. I don't know why. I slashed prices this week. Right now, I got an '88 Olds Cutlass on the lot in rare turquoise metallic, Cordoba roof, leather, factory year"-
Frasier: Madman.
Caller: "And that's nothing compared to the six brand new Supras I got in. They're priced to sell with a 20% discount to all your listeners. People say to me, 'Madman, you're crazy!', but I say, 'Hey, I deal in volume!'"
Frasier: [turning the volume down on the line] Fortunately, so do I. Well, that's about all the time we have today, folks. Stay tuned for Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe after these paid commercial messages.

Quote from Daphne

Cindy: Who are these people?
Frasier: This is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, my father, Martin, and his home care specialist, Daphne Moon.
Daphne: Goodness. You've seen quite a bit of mayhem in your day.
Cindy: Excuse me?
Daphne: Well, you see, I can sense these things. I'm a bit psychic. Ooh, wait, I'm getting a flash now. Did you have a grandfather with a steel plate in his head?
Cindy: [to Frasier] This lunatic who's been calling you - any particular accent?

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Brian, let me assure you that no one is a born scatterbrain. You simply have to develop your powers of concentration. On a trip to the Amazon, I was able to observe the hunters of the primitive Shipibo tribe. With nothing more than a crude blowgun, they can bring down small monkeys from the forest canopy high above their heads. How? Focus...
[Someone comes into Roz's booth and hands her a sheet of paper]
Frasier: ...and mental discipline and that's what we have to work on, Brian. Focus on one thing and not allow ourselves to be distracted by a single-
[Roz rushes in and lays the piece of paper on Frasier's console]
Frasier: We've been nominated for a SeaBea! Oh, of course we should never become so single-minded that we don't allow ourselves to be spontaneous.

Quote from Bulldog

Frasier: Well, I understand congratulations are in order for you as well, Bulldog. What is this now?Four nominations? Three wins?
Bulldog: Yeah. I've been a symbol of broadcasting excellence in Seattle since 1991.
[Bulldog sniffs the air before barking at a woman outside]

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Thank you Roz. Whom do we have?
Roz: On line one we have a shoplifter from Bainbridge and then line two is your number one fan.
Frasier: Oh, Kari?
Roz: Mmm-hmm, for the fourth time this week. Why don't you let me get rid of her? All she ever does is gush and tell you how wonderful you are.
Frasier: And this hurts me how?

Quote from Niles

Niles: Oh, Frasier, that reminds me. I'm afraid Maris won't be able to make your SeaBea awards tomorrow night.
Frasier: Well color me surprised. Any particular reason?
Niles: Yes. This time it's a good one. She's very upset about her manicurist. The woman's being doing Maris' nails for years now and sadly she was just taken critically ill.
Daphne: Oh dear. How bad is she?
Niles: Well, she'll be fine once she finds another manicurist. Until then, she's curtailing all public appearances.

Quote from Martin

Niles: Frasier and I are going to the opera. We're seeing "Der fliegende Hollander". Oh, don't forget, the tickets are in your briefcase. I can hear that first aria already
Martin: Don't, Niles. You'll start singing it, then I'll start singing it, and I won't be able to get it out of my head.

Quote from Niles

Martin: Well, if you ask me, it's probably nothing but there are some weirdo's out there so just keep your eyes open.
Frasier: Dad, she's not a weirdo. She's just a woman who finds me utterly fascinating.
Niles: And the distinction would be?

Quote from Roz

Roz: I'm talking about this. Three hours until the limo picks me up for the SeaBea's and my nose erupts like Krakatoa!
Frasier: It's barely noticeable.
Roz: From where? The Space Shuttle?

Quote from Roz

Roz: Vintage Roz or what? I finally lose five pounds and I gain three of it back on my nose!
Frasier: Roz, Roz. Listen, I'm sure that with enough foundation and some contouring, maybe a little shadowing- Have you considered wearing a beekeeper's mask?
Roz: Do I make fun of that Astrodome you call a forehead?

Quote from Roz

Frasier: "I'm very disappointed in you, Dr. Crane. You didn't wear the scarf I knitted you even though it was very cold. The last man who disappointed me that way is in his grave. P.S. I'll be at the awards tonight and I'll be looking for you. Your number one fan, Kari."
Roz: Oh great. I'm sitting at your table with a bullseye on my nose!

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Dad, there's a big difference between a policeman and a skilled bodyguard. These people are trained to size up a crowd, plan escape routes, even get shot if necessary.
Martin: Hey, I know how to take a bullet.
Frasier: Oh, yes, that's just what your personality needs - another bullet!

Quote from Niles

Niles: If you must know, I'm a little jealous. I told Maris about your troubles. All she does is sulk and
talk about bodyguards. "Why don't we need one?" "Aren't we important enough to be stalked?" I have no idea what to say to the poor woman.
Martin: Tell her to just go on being herself and her day will come.

Quote from Frasier

Cindy: You have a security system in this place?
Daphne: We don't need a security system. We've got Eddie here.
Cindy: Hello, Eddie. [Eddie buries his head under a pillow]
Martin: Don't let him fool you. You lay a hand on me, you'd have a bite on your butt the size of a tennis ball.
Frasier: And Eddie would go for your ankles.

Quote from Niles

Cindy: By the way, Dr. Crane, I'll need to know your blood type, location of the nearest trauma center and a list of any family members who'd be willing to donate organs.
Niles: Just so you know, Frasier, I have unusually small kidneys.

Quote from Bulldog

Frasier: Now Roz, listen, you look terrific. You've done a wonderful little job with your problem there. It's practically disappeared.
Bulldog: Whoa, Roz. Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

Quote from Martin

Martin: You're Kari aren't you?
Kari: How did you know?
Martin: You made a scarf just like that for Frasier. He's my son.
Kari: I think there's been a big misunderstanding. I'm just a fan. I never meant to frighten him.
Martin: Well what about that note about the last guy who didn't wear the scarf ended up in his grave?
Kari: That meant my husband, Walter. He caught pneumonia. I won't bother your son anymore. Could you just tell him what happened?
Martin: I'll be glad to explain and, if I'm lucky, he won't understand and I'll have to explain all over again.
Kari: I'm sure he'll understand. That's the one thing about your son, Mr. Crane, he's so smart and level-headed.
Martin: What's she been smoking?


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