Frasier: There is no way that dog is moving in here with us.
Niles: Oh please, please. At least if she's here I'll be able to visit her. I cannot turn her over to strangers. She worships me.
Frasier: Oh, please. You must realize that dog has no genuine affection for you. You only pretend that she does because she's a canine substitute for Maris.
Niles: That is the most absurd psychobabble I have ever heard.
Frasier: She is highly strung, cold to the touch and ignores you. My God, stand her upright, take ten pounds off her, put her in a Chanel suit, what do you got?

Frasier: Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this atrocity? My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go.
Martin: You know, I keep having this dream where you say the same words. Only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.
Frasier: Dad, that will never happen.
Martin: Thank you.
Frasier: I have medical power of attorney, it won't cost me a thing.

Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, don't you look smart.
Frasier: I don't feel smart. I've let Roz set me up another one of her blind dates.
Daphne: Who's the lucky woman?
Frasier: Oh, a friend from her aerobics class. Well, perhaps it won't be so bad. She's thirty-two, has a terrific body, and apparently thinks I'm God's gift to broadcasting.
Martin: Well, at least you have one thing in common.

[Niles enters with his dog]
Niles: Hello, Frasier. We were in the neighborhood for a pedicure and a seaweed wrap and we thought we'd stop by. Of course, the pedicure was for-
Martin: Stop right there. There's no way to finish that sentence that'll make me proud.

Niles: I have some wonderful news. I just signed a lease for an apartment in one of the most exclusive buildings in Seattle.
Frasier: You don't mean?
Niles: I do. As of next week, I'll be a resident of ... the Montana.
Frasier: Niles, why would you even want to live in such a stodgy building? When I applied there they treated me as if I was riff-raff.
Niles: Well, if you're going to ask and answer your own questions, what do you need me for?

Niles: I'm sorry, that's ridiculous.
Frasier: Oh, is it really? All right, here. Do you remember that little pilbox hat that Maris wore to the the Duchamps' wedding?
Niles: Yes, well, I-
[Frasier puts a small, white dip bowl on top of Girls' head. Niles falls back on the couch.]

Roz: Hey, Frasier. So how did it go with Rita last night?
Frasier: She didn't quite take to me.
Roz: Oh, you're just being hard on yourself like you always are.
Frasier: You tell me. Over appetizers, she suddenly realized that she had a very early morning meeting, suggested we skip the jazz club after dinner.
Roz: People have meetings.
Frasier: When the waiter suggested a soufflé for desert that would take an extra thirty minutes she said, "Oh Dear God, no!"
Roz: She was probably on a diet.
Frasier: After I dropped her off at home, I noticed that she had left her suede jacked in my car. I called to offer to swing it by and she said, and I quote, "Just keep it."
Roz: What did you do to her?
Frasier: Nothing. God, Roz, I have had it. You know, in the past six months I have done everything a man can possibly do to meet a woman. Singles bars, blind dates, lecture series at the museum. I've even spent hours in the grocery store trying to look helpless in the produce department. That's it. I'm taking myself off the market. Frasier Crane has thumped his last melon.

Niles: Ah, I'm glad you made it.
Frasier: You know, Niles, this precious little building of yours isn't as exclusive as you think. Your doorman waved me right through.
Niles: Well, that's because he knows you.
Frasier: Oh, fan of my show?
Niles: No, he lives in your building.

Daphne: Well, I'm sure it won't take you long to adjust to being alone again.
Niles: Actually I won't have to. Follow me, there's someone I'd like you to meet. It was love at first sight. She's
very exotic, only eats every other day, and she's so white she's almost blue.
Martin: Wow, I'm getting nervous. That's what he said just before he introduced us to Maris.

Daphne: Oh, you know, I've always been fascinated by these birds that can actually learn how to talk.
Martin: Oh, they can't talk. They just a drill a few words into them at the pet shop and they never learn anything else after that.
Frasier: It is attractive, though.
Martin: Yeah well, that's the way they are: Cute, but stupid.
Baby: Cute, but stupid!
Frasier: Daphne, perhaps we should leave these two alone. I sense a real battle of wits shaping up here.