Sam: These are, uh, trivia napkins. Ever since I got the bar back, I've been looking for ways to say, "Hey, thank you for patronizing me."
Frasier: Oh, Sam, I- I know you wanted to use a great big word there. I think that's marvelous, but I believe what you meant to say was, "Thank you for your patronage."
Sam: Really? What's the difference?
Frasier: Patronage means customers. Patronizing is the way one would talk to a small, dull child.
Sam: Kind of like how you're talking to me right now?
Frasier: Aren't you cute!

Frasier: You know, I agree with Cliff. There's a great deal to be said for discretion. You know, it's entirely possible Rebecca may grow tired of Robin and thus avoid the heartache. Then on the other hand, as one who was cuckolded by a lover deeply trusted, the longer led on, the harder the fall. I'm just not sure that Rebecca can be as strong and forgiving as I was when... that bitch Diane dumped me.

Frasier: All right. Gather around, everyone. I am going to right a horrible wrong. I am going to read to you Dickens' classic, A Tale of Two Cities, and you will see just how much fun great literature can be. [all groaning] "Book the First. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Norm: Hey, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Which was it?
Frasier: Just stay tuned, Norm.
Norm: "It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity."
Cliff: Boy, this Dickens guy really liked to keep his butt covered, didn't he?
Frasier: "There was a king with a large jaw, and a queen with a plain face, on the throne of England." [the guys turn around] "And... and..." "...and there was a bloodthirsty clown, who beckoned innocent children into the sewer, and swallowed them whole."
Cliff: Ah! That's a neat trick.

Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.

Frasier: What the hell was that? Was that a gunshot?
Niles: Morning, Frasier. Just getting up?
Frasier: "Just getting up?" Are you out of your mind? A gun just went off in here!
Martin: Niles bought a starter's pistol.
Niles: And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. Was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!

Niles: Oh, well, I'm- I'm stunned of course. The idea that Maris actually killed someone.
Frasier: Well, we've all seen her murder many a lively dinner party.
Niles: Frasier!
Martin: That's terrible.
Frasier: Oh, come on, I'm joking. And haven't I earned the right to my gallows humor? After all, are you forgetting that just this afternoon I was punched in the face by a man now dead?