Niles: How about Desmond?
Daphne: Desmond Crane. "Desmond Crane, you are hereby sentenced to..." No, I don't like it. What about Jack?
Niles: 'fraid not. The first name ends with the same sound that begins the last name. So you either end up running them together, "Jack-rane", or you face the dreaded glottal stop, "Jack Crane", "Jack Crane". It's unpleasant for the throat.
Daphne: This conversation's unpleasant for the throat.

Roz: Oh, my God. Are you still stuck picking a name for that application?
Daphne: Yeah, we can't come up with one.
Roz: Oh God, give it to me. And then I'll fill it in and you'll never have to see it and you won't feel stuck with it.
Daphne: That's a great idea.
[cut to five years later in the St. Osric's Academy boardroom]
Dean of Admissions: Howard Clifton is officially accepted. Who do we have next?
Admissions Officer: Last name "Crane", first name... "Ichabod".
Dean of Admissions: Well, if they're not going to take the application seriously, how can we expect them to take St. Osric's seriously?
[He stamps the Cranes' application with "Admission Denied"]

Niles: [on the phone with Daphne] Okay, so Delilah is out? No, that's fine, that's fine. What are your ideas? Taylor. Fletcher. Cooper. Tanner. Where are you getting these, the Big Book of Medieval Professions?

Frasier: What is this? St. Osric's Pre-Kindergartener Academy and Day Care Center? Do I hear the pitter-patter of petite elite feet?

Martin: Hey, Roz. How was the dog park?
Roz: Well, I got a phone number.
Martin: Oh, nice.
Frasier: Is that why you people have pets? To get dates?
Roz: No, but it's a plus. I've never met one person who didn't get at least one date through their pet.
Frasier: Well, meet me! Four years of high school and not a single encounter generated. Stupid fish.

Leland: Martin, you have not changed a whit.
Martin: Oh, my hair's gray and I've got a bullet in my hip.
Leland: Well, I'm bigger and balder, but I don't want to hear about it.
Martin: Well, you look exactly the same, too.

Leland: Can I help you?
Frasier: I'm sorry about that.
Martin: Eddie, down.
Leland: Why is he doing that?
Frasier: I don't really know. He used to do that to me. But I'll tell you what, just don't get in a staring contest with him. That's what he wants.

Frasier: I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical,
From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical.
Niles: I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand equations both the simple and quadratical.
Leland: About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot of news,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
All: With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse!
Martin: With many awful facts about the scary hippopotamus!

Frasier: Dr. Barton.
Leland: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Good to see you. Let me take that for you.
Leland: Thank you very much. Thank you. Hello. My God, look at you. I haven't seen you since you were about, what, seven years old. And you still look good in a suit.

Niles: No, no, no. It's just that the wait list for St. Osric's is up to four years. So I thought we should get our application in now to be safe.
Frasier: Very wise, Niles. You know, Lilith and I waited until Frederick was conceived before we enrolled him in private school.
Niles: Mr. Procrastinator.