Frasier: Nice cardigan.
Martin: Daphne surprised me with it.
Frasier: You don't seem very happy about it.
Martin: No, well, I'm not. I mean, you just don't give somebody something for no reason, that's my rule.
Frasier: Dad. Spontaneous gift-giving is one of life's great pleasures. Didn't you ever give Mom anything without a warning?
Martin: Yeah, you! Where do you think I got the rule from?

Niles: That reminds me, yesterday at the café I asked you a question which you deftly avoided answering. Do you think Maris and I are meant to be together?
Frasier: Right, well. That's a tough question. Well, you know, perhaps the better question would be, do you think you and Maris are meant to be together?
Niles: Hmmm. I serve you up a question, you clumsily bat it back to me. We've hardly missed our squash game at all.

Martin: What question?
Frasier: Oh. He asked me if I thought he and Maris were meant to be together.
Martin: Well, if you ask me, you should keep your bazoo shut. You're always getting into trouble opening that big bazoo of yours!
Frasier: How wonderful, Dad, we've found a new word to strike from your vocabulary. Along with patootie and bupkis!

Niles: [on the phone] Oh, no, I would love to meet you for lunch but you know what Dr. Deutsch said; no meetings outside our therapy sessions. Oh, now, Maris. [the phone beeps] Hold on, my other line. Hello?
Frasier: [speaking into his phone] Get the hell off the phone!

Frasier: Well, I hope you're happy. We've now officially lost our court.
Niles: Well, I'm sorry. I would hope that my attempt to salvage my marriage would be more important to you than a squash game.
Frasier: Well, of course it is. I was just looking forward to playing.
Niles: I enjoy a morning game of squash more than anyone.
Frasier: No, I do.
Niles: No, I do.
Frasier: No, no. Stop it!

Niles: No, no, I'm really interested in your opinion. Let's say you were God.
Frasier: Niles, please, I don't want to play God!
Niles: [laughs] Oh, please. No, just play along. Let's say you are the supreme ruler of heaven and earth. What would you do?
Frasier: [looking at Eddie] Well, for starters I'd issue a recall on some of my lesser species.

Niles: [answering the phone] Hello? What is it, pumpkin? Now, now, dear, calm down. I'm sure the banging you hear is just the pipes. If one of the servants had actually been walled in during the remodeling, he would have died weeks ago. Okay, if it will ease your mind at all, why don't you have Marta take role call?
[phone beeps] Hold on a second. [changes line] Hello?
Frasier: [into his phone] Get out!

Frasier: Niles depends on me, he deserves my true and honest answer.
Martin: And what is that?
Frasier: Well, Maris has always been spoiled and selfish and led him around by the nose, I'd have to say my answer would be no. Thank you, Dad. I've changed my answer from a yes to a no.
Martin: There you go. [Martin gets up]
Frasier: On the other hand...
Martin: I knew it.
Frasier: I don't know. You know, there are a lot of other factors here, Dad. [Martin leaves the apartment] Niles does love Maris. She has agreed to go into therapy. Niles swears that she's a changed person. I don't know, I guess if I really want to know what's going on in Maris's mind, I've got to ask her myself. You agree with that, don't you, Dad?
Martin: [reentering the apartment with a newspaper] Oh, yeah, sure.

Daphne: Hey.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne.
Daphne: Was that Mrs. Crane's Marta who was just leaving?
Frasier: Yes. Yes, it was. We were just sharing a coffee. Marta helped allay some of my fears about Niles and
Maris getting back together.
Daphne: Yes, I expect she'll be glad to see Dr. Crane back in that household. Well, I should get my beans.
Frasier: Wait, wait. Daphne, what do you mean?
Daphne: Well, I'm sure Dr. Crane acts as a good buffer between Mrs. Crane and the help.
Frasier: Gee, it never occurred to me that Marta might have an ulterior motive.
Daphne: Who can blame her? Mrs. Crane can be a bit demanding. [Daphne goes over to talk to two women]
Frasier: Well, this taints Marta's entire testimony. Is it possible she could have lied to me? With my trained eye there aren't many things that can escape my notice, as I'm sure you've observed, Daphne. Gee, could she have lied to me? Now, you see, the predicament I am in. Every time somebody gives me a valid argument, somebody else comes along and gives me a perfectly valid counter-argument. [Daphne goes to the counter] One minute I think the answer is yes, the next minute I think it's no. God, this is driving me crazy. Well, I've got to stick with it, Niles asked me what I think. That's it... what I think! Of course I don't know what I think right now. Well... [Daphne walks by from the counter] But that's where I should be focused, don't you agree, Daphne?
Daphne: Oh, yes, absolutely.

Niles: Frasier, Frasier. I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. Maris has changed. She now understands that she cannot control me. I am my own man. [bell rings] I don't actually respond to that. [bell rings again] It's a
little joke we have between us. [A whistle is blown] Okay, that means business! [Niles closes the door on Frasier and rushes off to see Maris]