Niles: [v.o.] I can't believe this is happening. After all those misspent years of frustration and yearning, I finally find the fulfillment of my dreams only to have it snatched away. Look at her. She's so beautiful, so perfect. She deserves nothing but happiness. I hope, when I'm gone, she's able to make a life with someone else. After a suitable period of mourning, of course.
Daphne: Niles?
Niles: Yes, my love?
Daphne: When are you going to change the paper in the bottom of the bird cage, hmm? I've asked you three times already.
Niles: Soon as I get back.
Niles: [v.o.] Maybe when I'm gone, Her Majesty can muck out her own birdcage.

Frasier: Do you suppose that your Man Friday might be available on a Monday or a Tuesday?
Gil: You want to steal my Chung?
Frasier: No, no. Not steal him, just, just borrow him for a day or two a week until I can re-staff.
Gil: Oh, a dangerous notion, Frasier. You know how employees gossip about their benefactors.
Frasier: Well, I have nothing to hide.
Gil: Yes, but suppose while on your premises he lets something slip about me and Deb and our heart-shaped bed?
Frasier: I would refuse to believe him.

Roz: Who thought it'd be so hard to get to find someone to clean our house?
Frasier: Well, over the years Daphne's managed to scour her way into our hearts, so to speak. And I just don't want to hire someone who's only in it for the money.
Roz: So you want to find someone who's in it for the joy of cleaning?

Frasier: Honestly, I'm beginning to wonder if we'll ever find anyone that meets our standards.
Martin: You're being too picky. It's just housekeeping, not rocket science.
Daphne: I beg to differ. You don't even know half of what I used to do around here. Like dusting the plant leaves or rotating your underwear.
Martin: Excuse me?
Daphne: Every month, I used to throw out your oldest pair and put in two new pairs. Did it ever occur to you that you never had to buy underwear in ten years?
Martin: Thought I got hold of a good batch.

Trish: Hi, I'm Trish Haney. I'm here about the housekeeper job. I'm really sorry I'm late.
Frasier: I had you down for over an hour ago.
Trish: I know. I got stuck in line waiting to buy tickets to the Sonics game this weekend.
Martin: Really? Come on in.
Trish: I should have guessed everyone and his brother would want to see Vince Carter play.
Martin: Not everybody. Or his brother.

Niles: I can't drink anything that's too hot. I have a toothache.
Roz: Oh. You been to the dentist?
Niles: Yes. He said the tooth is perfectly healthy but I still have this throbbing pain. I think I may have to go to the doctor.
Roz: Oh, it's probably just a sinus infection. Have you had a cold lately?
Niles: Couple of weeks ago, yes, but I'm over it.
Roz: That's probably what it is, a sinus infection. Happens to me all the time.
Niles: In all likelihood, I'm sure you're right. Thank you.
Roz: Of course I'm right. What else could it be?
Niles: Actually a toothache can be referred pain from something else.
Roz: "Referred pain."
Niles: That's right. For example, if I had a heart condition, I might not have pain in my chest, I might have pain in my tooth. You see, referred pain. So while you're probably right about the sinus infection, let's not discount the one in ten thousand chance that it might be something more serious.

Roz: Oh, now I get it. So the pain in my butt might actually be coming from across the table.

Niles: [looking at the cap of his bottle of water] Oh, look! I'm the winner of a fanny pack.
Roz: Congratulations.
Niles: Thank you.
Roz: You have no idea what it is, do you?
Niles: Not really, no.
Roz: Hey, look, it says here the odds of winning it are one in ten thousand. Ooh, spooky. Same odds as that toothache being a heart attack. Maybe it's a sign.
Niles: It's a good sign. By beating those odds once, it makes it that much more unlikely that something so improbable can happen to me again.
Woman: [entering Cafe Nervosa] Niles!
[Niles stands up, but it's not his Daphne who entered]
Other Niles: Hello, Daphne.
Niles: [to Roz] Okay, that's weird.

Martin: Niles, check this out. I've got a great new card trick.
Niles: Oh, goody.
Martin: Yeah, it's called "The Amazing Niles." Or "The Amazing..." whoever you're doing the trick with. Like, if I was doing it with Daphne, it'd be "The Amazing Daphne." Or if I was doing it with Frasier, it'd be...
Niles: "The Amazing Frasier". Yeah, I get it, Dad.
Martin: Yeah. That's just my patter.

Martin: Okay, Amazing Niles, I want you to draw the ace of spades out of this deck.
Niles: Ah, something tells me that it's going to be this one right here.
Martin: Ladies and gentlemen, he drew the ace of spades.
Daphne: Amazing, Amazing Niles.
Martin: Isn't that a great trick?
Daphne: Hey, wait a minute. How come this deck only has aces of spades?
Martin: What? No, this is the trick... Wait a minute, this isn't the trick deck. Holy cow!
Niles: What?
Martin: You just drew the card I asked you for. What are the odds? I wonder if you can do it again.
Niles: No, no, no, no, no. Only one performance a day.