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34Quotes from ‘Desperately Seeking Closure’

Frasier: Desperately Seeking Closure

508. Desperately Seeking Closure

Aired December 9, 1997

After Sam breaks things off with Frasier, he is obsessed with figuring out what about him she did not like.

Quote from Martin

Frasier: Roz, you must have something?
Roz: Well, you are a little full of yourself.
Frasier: Great. Okay, pompous.
Roz: And you do tend to ramble on with the callers.
Frasier: A tad loquacious.
Martin: Pretentious.
Frasier: Dad, I already wrote that down.
Martin: Underline it.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: Well, I don't know about love. We've only been seeing each other for a month.
Niles: But you could see yourself falling in love with her?
Frasier: Possibly.
Niles: Some time down the line?
Frasier: Yes, yes, perhaps.
Niles: Well, no wonder you're heartbroken. You've just lost the only woman you could even possibly sometime down the line perhaps fall in love with. I'm surprised the country music people haven't jumped all over this one.

Quote from Niles

Customer: Half caff latte, please.
Waiter #1: Half caff latte!
Waiter #2: Half caff latte!
Waiter #3: Half caff latte!
Niles: I rather like this new system, it's lively.
Waiter #1: Well, it's more efficient. What can I get for you?
Niles: I'll have a double short, low fat, no foam latte.
Waiter #1: Double short, low fat, no foam latte!
Waiter #2: Double short, non fat, low foam latte!
Waiter #3: Double short, non fat, low foam latte!
Niles: Excuse me, I think there was a problem in the chain of command, the middle person reversed part of it. She said, "A double short, non fat, low foam latte".
Waiter #1: Double short, non fat, low foam latte!
Waiter #2: Double short, non fat, low foam latte!
Waiter #3: Double short, non fat, no foam latte!
Niles: No, no, no. You did it again, that's not what I want.
Waiter #1: Well, you can tell her yourself.
Niles: All right, I'll have a double shot, low fat, no foam latte.
Waiter #2: Double shot, low fat, no foam latte.
Waiter #3: Double shot, low fat, no foam latte. Nutmeg?
Waiter #2: Nutmeg?
Waiter #1: Nutmeg?
Niles: No thanks. It inflames my stomach lining.
Waiter #1: Inflames his stomach lining!
Waiter #2: Inflames his stomach lining!
Waiter #3: Inflames his stomach lining!
Niles: Stop that!

Quote from Niles

Frasier: Oh, well, in Aspen they all wear them indoors. Oh, God, the funniest thing happened in the lodge last night. Jack Nicholson and Tom Brokaw discovered they were wearing exactly the same jacket. So they staged a mock fight. Suddenly, Donna Karen flew between them pretending to referee, I laughed so hard I nearly spilled my toddy on someone named Puff Daddy.
Waitress: Can I get anything else for you here?
Niles: Just a dustpan and broom to sweep up some of these names.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: Oh, by the way, Niles. Do we have plans for tonight?
Niles: Yes, why?
Frasier: Well, I'm afraid I have to cancel. It's my one month anniversary with Sam, I'd like to take her to L' Escalier for dinner.
Niles: I understand, of course. One month is quite a milestone. Thanks for the reminder. I need to change my water filter.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: You know, it's funny, I think it was a real turning point for us... Well, for me. You see, I was so relaxed. At the beginning of relationships usually I-I'm very tentative. I just have this dark fear that I'm about to be cut loose.
Sam: Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, I know, I know. I'm just being so insecure, it's nice to know that I'm on solid ground.
Sam: Um, Frasier...
Frasier: I'm standing on quicksand, aren't I?

Quote from Martin

Daphne: Good Lord!
Martin: What?
Daphne: Look at this headline.
Martin: "Martin Crane Dead". Whoa! Bet you don't need much coffee after that. Gee, fifty eight, poor guy, hardly
had a life.
Daphne: Handsome fellow, though.
Martin: Yeah. Multi-millionaire, decorated war hero, wrote a spy novel. "Survived by his wife, Florence, a former Miss. Washington and two sons, Joe, a Marine Corps colonel, and the professional baseball player, Mickey Crane". Nothing like starting the day off jealous of a dead guy.

Quote from Martin

Martin: Now, you know, Fras, I know you're always looking for an explanation for everything but sometimes there isn't one.
Frasier: Well, I know, Dad. It's gonna just drive me crazy. You know, until I know why it ended, I'll just assume it was any number of things about me. My self confidence will be shattered.
Martin: Well, you've got two choices here. You can spend days trying to figure it out until it drives you nuts or you can do the smart thing, make a clean break, never talk to her again, and get on with your life.
Frasier: You're right, Dad, that's exactly what I should do. Thank you.
Martin: No problem.
Frasier: You know, sometimes you're very insightful.
Martin: Well, I've been around the block a few times. ... So, when are you going to go talk to her?
Frasier: Right after my waffles.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Come on in, Roz. You know, I was wondering...
Roz: No! I don't know why Sam broke up with you, okay? Just like I didn't know two hours ago. Just like Gil and Bulldog and Miss. Judy from the Arts & Crafts hour didn't know.
Frasier: Well, it never hurts to ask. Miss. Judy had some real insights before she had to make her Popsicle stick run.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: Okay. Dad thinks I am over analytical. That's great. We've got the ball rolling. Okay, who's next? Niles?
Niles: I'm sorry, I'm not entirely sure how useful this exercise is.
Frasier: Niles, I don't care how you feel about it, you're going to participate.
Niles: Pushy.
Frasier: Well, yes, if that's what it takes to- Oh, thank you.

Quote from Daphne

Frasier: All right, Daphne, it's your turn. Don't be shy.
Daphne: Well, if I had to choose, I'd say you are a bit of a fussbudget.
Frasier: Fussbudget. Well, all right, listen, if you don't mind the substitution, I think maybe "demanding" is more the mot juste.
Daphne: Pretentious.

Quote from Frasier

Niles: Oh, snippy.
Frasier: Snippy.
Daphne: Sarcastic.
Martin: Bossy.
Niles: Huffy.
Roz: Vain.
[They all share their appreciation for Roz's suggestion]
Frasier: Oh, how nice we've finally found an activity we all enjoy together.

Quote from Niles

Roz: Frasier, why don't you just admit what you're doing here. This isn't some "help-me-be-a-better-person"
thing. You're trying to figure out what you can fix so you can win Sam back.
Frasier: Oh, now, Roz, that's preposterous.
Roz: Look who you're talking to. I've been down this road so many times, I call it "The Roz Expressway".
Niles: I've heard that phrase before but in a slightly different context.

Quote from Roz

Frasier: Well, all right, maybe there is some truth in what you say. I mean, after all, Sam is really quite a catch, why wouldn't I want to get her back?
Roz: But you shouldn't change yourself just to please her. It's not healthy and it doesn't work. If it did, Steve
Wilson would be my husband and not just some name tattooed on my butt.

Quote from Martin

Martin: Oh, don't worry about it Frasier. You'll be fine, you'll bounce back. You're tough.
Roz: And resourceful.
Niles: Resilient.
Martin: Optimistic.
Niles: Tenacious.
Daphne: Conceited.
Martin: Different list, Daph.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Oh, all right, so I don't rhapsodize about her.
Niles: No, you did rhapsodize when she took you to "Le Cigare Volant" and you were seated in a secret VIP room we never knew existed.
Frasier: Well, what are you suggesting? That I'm so shallow I was with her mainly for her connections?
Niles: I wouldn't put it as harshly as that. But let's face it, ever since we were young, you've had a yearning to run with the cool kids and it's never worked out for you. Your one day on the football team? The summer you bought that motorcycle. Although, to be accurate...
Frasier: Hey, it's only a moped if you pedal it and I never pedaled!

Quote from Frasier

Niles: Oh, you know what. Why don't we stop by L' Escalier on our way to dinner. You can just run in and tell her in person.
Frasier: Even better. God, Niles, I can't tell you helpful this has been. Really, how can I ever repay you?
Niles: You can start by getting me into that VIP room at Le Cigare Volant. Where is the entrance? By the cigarette machine?
Frasier: No, that's just a decoy. It's through the dry cleaner's next door.

Quote from Niles

Niles: Welcome back. I trust you and Samantha had a pleasant weekend?
Frasier: Oh, God, it was fabulous. We stayed at this gorgeous cabin just outside Aspen. We took a chopper every morning to the top of the mountain. God, I just didn't want it to end.
Niles: That would explain why you're still wearing that ridiculous jacket in an over-heated café.

Quote from Niles

Niles: Damn, they put nutmeg on this.
Frasier: Oh, speaking of Meg. Meg Ryan told me the most delightful story about practical joke Tony Hopkins played on Jodie at the wrap party for the "Lambs".
Niles: My stomach lining is just not going to get a break today, is it?

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: As I recall, that's what you ordered on our first date. Course, it wasn't food that you were craving that night. You whisked me away back to my place before the crab cakes could even arrive. You know, there's no better way to celebrate an anniversary than with a historical re-enactment. I've got my costume on underneath.
Sam: Actually, I'm really looking forward to those crab cakes.
Frasier: Oh, great. Well, yes, yes, I suppose we should try the food here once. Well, be sure to leave some room, you're bound to find a little Frasier-mint on your pillow when we get home.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, you know, seeing as we're friends and all, I suppose there's no reason we shouldn't stay and enjoy what's sure to be a splendid meal.
Sam: Absolutely.
Frasier: Great.
Waiter: Your first course.
Frasier: Ah, thank you. Tell me, how many more courses are there?
Waiter: Six, sir.
Frasier: Could you bring those all at once?

Quote from Daphne

Daphne: I must say, this Sam of yours is quite a catch. She's gorgeous, smart, stylish...
Frasier: We broke up last night!
Daphne: Orange juice, anyone?

Quote from Frasier

Martin: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Fras.
Frasier: Oh, it's all right. It was a mutual decision. Well, a little more mutual on her part than mine. Once she dumped me, I jumped right on board.

Quote from Daphne

Frasier: But I must admit, I'm having a little difficulty achieving closure. See, Sam said that her feelings changed for no reason. I can't help it might have been something specific about me.
Martin: Now, hold on, don't try to make this your fault.
Daphne: Yeah, she's probably telling the truth. If a woman's trying to spare your feelings, she'll give you the old, "It's not you, it's me".
Frasier: That's exactly what she said.
Daphne: Waffles, anyone?

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: I know I played the piano in the lounge a little too long but who knew General Schwartzkopf was so crazy for show tunes.

Quote from Frasier

[Frasier bumps into a man, almost knocking his grocery bags to the floor]
Man: What's the matter with you?
Frasier: That's just it. [voice cracking] I don't know.

Quote from Niles

Niles: Where is Frasier? He knows we have reservations at Bavetta's. If you're late they give away your table and make you sit in the kitchen with the owner's mother.

Quote from Martin

Martin: What the hell did I do with that remote? Daphne, are you sure you haven't seen it?
Daphne: Positive.
Martin: They ought to make one with a sensor on it. You get more than twenty feet from the TV, it senses it and starts beeping. Maybe for a deaf person they could make one that has purple smoke coming out of it like some kind of flare system or something.
Daphne: Mr. Crane, I'm begging you, you've got to get out of the house more!

Quote from Martin

Frasier: I know that you're afraid to hurt my feelings but I can stand a little constructive criticism. Now, come on, please, what do you think are my main faults?
Martin: Well, let's start with what you're doing now. You analyse everything to death. Sam said it wasn't your fault but you keep digging around and digging around until you drive everybody nuts.

Quote from Frasier

Daphne: If you want my advice; the best thing you can do is nothing. Just leave her be to think about what she's missing out on.
Roz: I totally agree. No candy, no flowers and what ever you do, don't call.
Frasier: Well, I don't see anything wrong with keeping the lines of communication open.
Roz: Oh God, you called didn't you?
Frasier: Well, maybe I left a carefully worded message.
Martin: Oh, Frasier, you never call somebody who's broken up with you. It makes you look desperate.
Frasier: Well, I didn't have any choice, she wouldn't return any of my pages!

Quote from Martin

Frasier: Oh God, I've blown it haven't I?
Daphne: Well, that depends. What did you say in your message?
Frasier: Well, nothing undignified. Of course, tone of voice is everything, isn't it? You know, maybe I should just play them for you.
Roz: Wait, you have her access code for her answering machine?
Frasier: Yes, luckily I set it up with her. I gave her an access code that would be easy to remember, my birthday.
Martin: What's so easy about May 7th?
Frasier: I wouldn't know, dad, my birthday's in March!
Martin: Oh, that's right. The seventh, that's Eddie!

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: It's hard to believe this picture was taken only three days ago. Look at us. How happy I was. Now, I'll never see her again.
Niles: Aren't you over dramatizing? You're bound to run into her now and then.
Frasier: No, I was talking about me and Lesley Stahl.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: I'm going to tell you what we're going to be doing this weekend. We're taking the concord to London for a party at Alec Guinness' place.
Frasier: I'm not so sure that... Sir Alec Guinness?
Sam: Yes, well, I know it's a long way to go. But Stephen is going to be there, he's promised to play some songs for the new one.
Frasier: Look, I don't know... Stephen Sondheim?
Sam: Yes. Oh, and you'll never guess who'll be singing with him.
Frasier: No, please don't tell me, please.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, I'm not very proud of this, but maybe I was a little dazzled by the circle you travel in.
Sam: So you were with me just so you could be around some famous people?
Frasier: It's not as though I wasn't fond of you as well.
Sam: Fond of me? Oh, well, thank you very much.
Frasier: Look, look, I understand that you're upset and I'm just gonna go.
Sam:I don't believe this. "My friend."
Frasier: I know it's shallow and it's something I'm going to have to work on.
Lesley Stahl: Hi, Sam, how are you?
Frasier: Lesley, hello. It's Dr. Frasier Crane, we met this weekend.
Lesley Stahl: Oh, are how you?
Sam: What kind of sick bastard are you?
Frasier: You're right. You're right. We're just having a little bit of a spat. But, of course, I don't need to tell you, being the ace reporter that you are.
Sam: Oh, oh, just get out of here right now!
Frasier: Right, right, okay. Listen, if you're in town for a while, maybe we can have lunch?
Sam: Get out.
Frasier: What is the matter with me? Lesley! [makes "call me" gesture]

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