Frasier: But wouldn't you rather take Daphne?
Niles: Oh, she wouldn't enjoy it. I took her to the opera last week. Halfway through Das Rheingold she fell asleep.
Frasier: Astonishing.
Niles: Yes, well, it gets worse. She snorted in her sleep, and startled Wotan, causing him to drop his spear on an unsuspecting gnome.

Martin: Just want you to know I really appreciate what you did for me.
Niles: Please, it was my pleasure. I'm really gonna miss the little guy. We actually started to bond.
Martin: Ha-ha, that's great. Oh, what's this tag?
Niles: Oh, uh, that's nothing. That's- Uh, they put that on at the park.
Martin: "Bark Avenue?" That's a kennel. You dumped him off at a kennel?
Niles: No, no, Dad. Actually, it's more of a spa than a kennel.
Martin: I trusted you with Eddie and you betrayed that trust. Why'd you do it, son?

Niles: Guess what I have? Two tickets to the Orpheus Chamber Orchestra.
Frasier: The Orpheus. Oh, Niles, nobody handles Handel like they handle Handel.

Daphne: Oh, I guess our little chat had an impact.
Frasier: So it did.
Daphne: Imagine that. Me giving advice to a psychiatrist. Maybe I should be on the radio and you should do the laundry.
Frasier: Yes, what a merry time of misrule that would be.

Frasier: [answering the phone] Hello? Niles! You're forty minutes late. Listen, I've just finished my third basket of bread, and there is an angry mob breathing down my neck. What? Oh, you've torn your trouser cuff, I'm so sorry. For God's sakes, will you hurry it up. More hemming, less hawing! All right, I'll hold our table.

Frasier: So, uh, well, how did you two kids meet?
Luke: Actually, I just moved to Seattle a month ago. I live on a boat, and as I was pulling into the sloop, Roz was standing right there on the dock.
Frasier: Right there on the dock, you say? Well...
Roz: I do live next to the marina.

Roz: [whispering to Frasier:] He thinks I'm thirty-one and I was in a Whitesnake video.

Martin: Sounds a little free-wheeling for you.
Frasier: Oh, really? Well, he's planning to salvage a French trader off the coast of British Columbia next, and he's invited me along.
Martin: That should be fun. You need a Dramamine patch just to get into the bathtub.

Martin: Thanks for taking care of him while I was gone, Niles.
Niles: You're quite welcome.
Martin: It was very thoughtful of you. Unlike some people I know!
Frasier: Dad, it was absolutely essential that I have my floors refinished, thanks to Edward Scissorpaws there!

Martin: Hope Eddie wasn't a lot of trouble.
Niles: Please Dad, he was the perfect house guest.
Martin: Well, give me the details. Did he eat?
Niles: Oh, like a horse.
Martin: Slept well?
Niles: Like a log!
Martin: Was he regular?
Niles: We're done here, Dad.