Frasier: Hello, Mr. Bottomsley. Dinner was an absolute nightmare. Fortunately, I was able to slip out of there early and pick you up a little treat. Fresh tuna. You're welcome.
[Frasier goes to his answering machine]
Roz: [on machine] "Frasier, this is Roz. Write down this number: 555-0179. Don't get mad, that's Ann's number. I talked to her, and she really thought you were cute and sweet and-"
[Frasier cuts off the message]
Frasier: Honestly, why does everyone assume that I need some companionship in my life? Has the world gone mad, Mr. Bottomsley? Well, what shall we two bachelors do this evening, Mr. B? Perhaps a crossword puzzle. Maybe watch a little telly. Oh, I know. How about a nice hot bath? [Mr. Bottomsley gives Frasier a concerned look.] I'm just teasing. Now, I know that you're used to eating canned tuna, so this will taste different, but if you're like me, I think you'll agree it's much better. If only there were a treat here for me. Ah, what's this? A delicious nine-vegetable winter soup. Yes, Mr. B, I think you were right about the bay leaves. [affecting a British accent] Ah, Mr. Bottomsley, lovely to see you again, sir. Your customary table, I presume, hmm? Splendid. Here you go. Well, isn't this civilized. [Eddie runs in from the back.] Beat it, Eddie, there's none for you. [Eddie runs back.] Do you feel a draft, Mr. B? I'm just a little bit cold. [Frasier places a shawl over himself] That's better. [He blows on a spoonful of soup.] Hmm, that's still a little too hot. You know what, while we're letting that cool, why don't we find a home for our... antique. There we are, yes, now. You know, you don't find one of these very easily. Especially in such good condition. Won't that covetous Niles be mad when he sees this, hmm? But he can't have it, can he, no. Yes, he can't have it, can he, no, no...
[Standing in front of his antique mirror, wearing a shawl, stroking and talking to a cat, Frasier finally catches a glimpse of himself.]
Frasier: Dear God, I'm Aunt Shirley!

Ann: Does he wear jewelry? Because I don't do "man jewelry."
Roz: He doesn't wear jewelry.
Ann: What about skin issues? Because I have a thing against tags, growths, any kind of fleshy masses.
Roz: Ann, he's male and his heart is beating. What else do you need to know?
Ann: Okay, yeah.

Roz: Are you dense? I was trying to set you guys up.
Frasier: Why would you do that?
Roz: I don't know, maybe because you haven't had a date in ages, and it's starting to show. What is that, your purse?
Frasier: This is a grocery tote. I wanted to pick up some vegetables and some cat food at the market.
Roz: You did not get a cat.
Frasier: No, no. I am cat-sitting for a neighbor, and I go out. I'm going out this evening.
Roz: With whom?
Frasier: People.
Roz: People you're related to?
Frasier: They're still people.

Frasier: Listen, Roz, I may not go out as often as you do, but that's because I have standards. Haven't you ever heard of waiting for Miss Right?
Roz: Yeah, well, Miss Right has standards too, and she's not looking to meet Mr. Mothballs.

Roz: You need a placeholder. Someone you can go out with and just keep your dating muscles toned. That way you'll be ready when Miss Right comes along, and Ann Hodges is a born placeholder.
Frasier: I don't want to go out with somebody I'm not interested in. I would rather wait for Miss Right, and while I'm waiting, there's no reason I can't live a rich and rewarding life. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get these vegetables home and into a hearty winter soup.

Martin: So Fras, tell everybody about that new antique you picked up today.
Frasier: Well, it's- it's a late Regency fruitwood mirror. Very valuable if it has the original glass, which mine does.
Martin: No.
Niles: What are the odds?
Martin: If you like mirrors, you should see the one Ronee's got in her dressing room. It's got lights all around the edges, and it has three settings.
Ronee: Yeah, daytime, nighttime, and... yikes.

Daphne: What's Inizio Due Cuore?
Waiter: That's our appetizer sampler for two. A bruschetta for you, a bruschetta for your love, and so on.
Frasier: Is it possible to make that for one?
Waiter: One?
Frasier: Yes, a bruschetta for me, no bruschetta for my love, and so on.

Niles: Hey, Dad, come on in. Daphne'll be right down and we can go. Where's Frasier?
Martin: On a date!
Niles: Get out!
Martin: Yeah! About time, huh? You know, it's like I was saying to Eddie, his guy's got to get a life.

Daphne: Niles! I left $60 on the desk yesterday, and now it's gone. Is that proof enough for you?
Niles: Are you sure you didn't misplace it?
Daphne: You know I didn't.
Martin: What's going on?
Daphne: Ever since we hired Mrs. Gablyczyck, things have been disappearing. Liquor, money, linens...
Martin: So she's stealing from you?
Daphne: Yes.
Niles: No, we don't know that. And frankly, it's hard to believe that somebody who'll go out in a rainstorm to clean pigeon muck from the solarium skylight is capable of theft.

Frasier: So, Ann, tell me everything. Who is Ann Hodges?
Ann: Wow. Well, I'm an insurance claims adjuster. That's what's so funny. When we met, you thought I was in sales, but I'm not.
Frasier: Oh.
Ann: I'm in claims.
Frasier: Well, you know, we don't have to have just shop talk. What are your dreams?
Ann: Oh, my God. Well, my dream is to become a senior claims adjuster. It's sort of the same, but you get a private cube and your own extension. I would have got it last year, but I paid a big claim the company didn't like. I knew I goofed the second I did it. It was just one of those "Shoot!" moments. You know,when you just say "Shoot!" Do you ever do that, make a big mistake and want to go back in time and just do something different?
Frasier: Oh, yes.