Martin: Wait, wait, wait. What are you doing?
Daphne: I'm mashing the potatoes.
Martin: By hand? You're supposed to whip potatoes, that way every bite tastes the same.
Daphne: Isn't that a bit bland?
Martin: Hello? Welcome to potatoes!

Roz: We have Gretchen calling back about her husband's affair. She thinks she has more evidence.
Frasier: Hello, Gretchen. I'm listening.
Gretchen: "Oh, Dr. Crane. I took Roz's advice and gave my husband two choices for dinner, and he picked the diet plate!"
Frasier: But that is no proof that he's having an affair.
Gretchen: But Gunnar has a healthy appetite!
Frasier: No, no, the proof is-is phone bills, uh, credit card receipts- Gunnar?
Gretchen: I also found a love letter he wrote to her.
Frasier: And how long were you going to keep that a secret, Gretchen? Come on, work with me here. What does it say?
Gretchen: "Mein kleiner Leberknodel,"
Frasier: I-I'm sorry, I don't speak German.
Gretchen: It means, "my little liver dumpling." That used to be his pet name for me.
Frasier: Well, maybe he's writing to you.
Gretchen: "It can't be me. He says he loves her beautiful little body, as thin as his sword, and her skin as white as bratwurst, and that she's his nicht ganz menschliche Frau."
Frasier: What is that?
Gretchen: "I don't know if there's a word in English. The closest translation is, 'not quite human woman.'"
Frasier: Oh, dear God, it is her!

Frasier: So, you know about Hobo Casserole?
Kelly: Oh, I make it on my show.
Frasier: Oh, I get so many of my recipes from your show that I've forgotten which are mine and which are yours.
Kelly: Ah, now don't tell me that's potato chip salad?
Frasier: Uh-oh, this is embarrassing.
Kelly: So, you really are a fan of the show, huh?
Frasier: Guilty. I especially admire your work on the Christmas Parade.
Kelly: Oh, you really want this, don't you?
Frasier: Oh, Gosh, I do. I really do.

Jerome: But, Jerome, I'm sorry, how could I have advised her otherwise? She said that you cheated on her.
Jerome: She said she suspected me. I've never cheated on Miss Brandy.
Frasier: All right, be that as it may, how can I advise her to marry a man who's so controlling that he won't even allow her to work?
Jerome: It may interest you to know that over the years I've called in favors to get Miss Brandy fourteen jobs. She lost all of them.
Frasier: So you're saying she's had trouble finding her niche?
Jerome: No, I'm saying she's a dodo. Now, you may love a dodo, you may think the dodo is beautiful, you may even wish to marry the dodo. But you do not encourage a dodo to fly! Now, when she loses these jobs it makes her very unhappy. So for her sake I said, "No more jobs." But now, in order to convince her to marry me, I've had to reverse this policy.
Frasier: So she has agreed to marry you?
Jerome: If I get her a job. And not just any job. A job that she can never lose. A job where if she burns the place down, they will apologize to her for having made it so flammable.
Niles: Well, good luck finding someone who'll hire her.
[Frasier and Jerome share a look, before turning to Niles]
Niles: Oh.

Frasier: And so Alice, even the happiest of us can find reasons to be unhappy if only we look for them. So don't look for them. Take a tip from our dog friends, treat yourself to your favorite toy, whatever that might be.
Alice: "I'll do that right now. Thank you, Dr. Crane, I really do feel better."
Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane, reminding everyone that life is too short to dwell on every bump in the road. Try to take pleasure in the simple things. In short, eat a cookie!
[Frasier takes a bite of a cookie from a plate on his console]
Frasier: Ow! Ow! Oh, walnut, I broke a tooth! Oh, now I've got to go to the dentist. He'll tell me I haven't flossed. My lips are going to get all fat. My life sucks!

Frasier: Roz, I'm going to tell you something I didn't find out until I became a father. You don't just love your children. You fall in love with them. It's that same rush, that same overwhelming desire to see them, to hold them, and bore other people to tears with every detail about them.
Roz: Oh, my God. I'm gonna have a baby. Someone is gonna call out for "Mom" and it's gonna be me. I'm really scared. What if I can't do this by myself?
Frasier: But, Roz, you're not all by yourself. I'm here.
Roz: Oh, thank you, Frasier. [hugs him]
Frasier: And I'll be available for you in whatever way you wish, from taking you out to dinner tonight, to that moment in the delivery room when you say, "Welcome to the world little Jimmy," or "little Sally," or dare I hope "little Frasier?"
Roz: Oh my God, I think I'm gonna be sick.
Frasier: I guess I got a little carried away there.
Roz: No, I mean I'm gonna hurl!

Frasier: You know, actually, I'm celebrating an event myself. You see, I've just become... a mentor.
Niles: Good for you, Frasier, helping the unprivileged.
Frasier: Actually, he's a billionaire.
Niles: Ah, the forgotten minority.

Niles: [on the phone with Daphne] Okay, so Delilah is out? No, that's fine, that's fine. What are your ideas? Taylor. Fletcher. Cooper. Tanner. Where are you getting these, the Big Book of Medieval Professions?

Frasier: I was in Boston for a long weekend. I was feeling a little depressed, so I took solace in the arms of a beautiful and remarkably welcoming young woman in a hotel bar.
Niles: And that was she?
Frasier: No, Niles. I told you that for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Of course it was she! Did you see the way
she ran out of here the minute she saw me?
Niles: Ah, yes. The trademark of all your bed mates.

Frasier: Now, now, Niles. It's only natural for you to feel a little bit shaky, but believe me, you made the right decision.
Niles: How do I know that?
Frasier: [picking up the journal] Let's just check what prompted us to it. Here: "Niles is incapable of asserting himself, especially in front of females."
Niles: Keep going. This is helping.
Frasier: "As I write this he lies, staring out the window, licking himself."
Niles: What?
Frasier: "He's become so subservient lately that when he's finished grooming himself he often begins licking Frasier."
Niles: I have no memory of that.
Frasier: "April 14th. The day I've dreaded for weeks: Frasier died this morning. I never would have guessed that my heart could ache so over the death of my beloved lab rat. My only consolation is the knowledge that I will soon give birth to my first child."
Niles: Frasier... do you know what this means?
Frasier: Our mother named us after rodents.
Niles: No. It means I have ended my marriage to the woman I love based on the case history of a spineless rat. Oh, my God!

Customer: Half caff latte, please.
Waiter #1: Half caff latte!
Waiter #2: Half caff latte!
Waiter #3: Half caff latte!
Niles: I rather like this new system, it's lively.
Waiter #1: Well, it's more efficient. What can I get for you?
Niles: I'll have a double, short, low-fat, no-foam latte.
Waiter #1: Double, short, low-fat, no-foam latte!
Waiter #2: Double, short, non-fat, low-foam latte!
Waiter #3: Double, short, non-fat, low-foam latte!
Niles: Excuse me, I think there was a problem in the chain of command. The middle person reversed part of it. She said, "A double, short, non-fat, low-foam latte".
Waiter #1: Double, short, non-fat, low-foam latte!
Waiter #2: Double, short, non-fat, low-foam latte!
Waiter #3: Double, short, non-fat, no-foam latte!
Niles: No, no, no. You did it again, that's not what I want.
Waiter #1: Well, you can tell her yourself.
Niles: All right, I'll have a double, short, low-fat, no-foam latte.
Waiter #2: Double, short, low-fat, no-foam latte.
Waiter #3: Double, short, low-fat, no-foam latte. Nutmeg?
Waiter #2: Nutmeg?
Waiter #1: Nutmeg?
Niles: No thanks. It inflames my stomach lining.
Waiter #1: Inflames his stomach lining!
Waiter #2: Inflames his stomach lining!
Waiter #3: Inflames his stomach lining!
Niles: Stop that!

Daphne: You were right about distracting him. He seems fine now.
Martin: As soon as you head for that door again, he's gonna have a fit. Let me get you some dog treats to give him.
Daphne: I don't understand. I may sleep across town, but I still see him all the time.
[Daphne goes over to Eddie, who is nosing up to box of her belongings. Daphne looks inside and finds one of Eddie's tennis balls]
Martin: Well, you got to look at it from Eddie's point of view. This person who's meant so much to him isn't going to be living here anymore. For nine years, he's felt the comfort of knowing you were here every night, and making him his breakfast every morning, and he's come to depend on that. Now everything's changed.
[Daphne smiles to herself as she throws the tennis ball and Eddie goes chasing after it.]

Frasier: I'm sorry. I'd love to stay and gawk, but I'm at war! Come, Joe.

Frasier: Lilian, the next time your perfectionist tendencies drive you to distraction, just remember this quotation from Henry James: "Excellence does not require perfection."
Lillian: "That's very helpful. Thank you."
Frasier: Or is it "demand"? Hmm. "Require"? "Demand"? "Excellence does not require perfection." "Excellence does not demand perfection."
Roz: Aren't they the same thing?
Frasier: Of course not, Roz. Shush! "Excellence", "demand", "require", "demand", "require"- Oh! Or is it "mandate"?
Lillian: "I really have to go now." [call disconnects]
Frasier: Oh, well, it doesn't really matter, anyway, does it? Meantime, Seattle, this is Doctor Frasier Crane, wishing you good day- Oh! It's "require". It is "require"! And good mental health.

Niles: All right, what is that fetid smell?
Frasier: Oh, oh, that's the food. I'm preparing dishes that have been featured on Kelly's show. [oven timer pings] Oh, Lord, that'll be my hobo casserole.
Niles: Hobo. That's the smell.

Frasier: And we're not Romanovs. We're descended from thieves and whores.
Niles: You know, I remember reading that Henry James once had a liaison with a Russian prostitute in New York.
Frasier: I'm right behind you.

Niles: Frasier, what do you put in your bath water?
Frasier: You know very well it's a proprietary blend, Niles.
Niles: No, no, no. It's your super. There's something corroding the pipes in the unit below you. He thinks it may be something in your tub.
Frasier: [on the phone] Hello, yes, I'm sure it's not my fault but if you insist, I use... [waits for Niles to exit] ...jasmine, lavender, rose hips and a little Tahitian Vanilla.
Chicken: Yeah, well, that sounds okay. Boy, with a bath like that I bet the ladies sure go for you though, huh?
Frasier: Yes, well, love does enter through the nose.
Chicken: Hey, you know, the neighbors down here have been complaining about a little sound bleed-through. I think we got a bad tile. I sure would like to check it. I heard you sing into the phone earlier. You think you could, I don't know, do it again?
Frasier: All right. [Frasier starts singing "I'm in the Mood for Love" again]

Martin: Hey, Fras.
Frasier: Hi, Dad.
Martin: I got some bad news. I guess there isn't a good way to tell you something like this. Your god-uncle died.
Frasier: My... god-uncle? There's no such thing as a god-uncle.
Martin: Yes, there is. It's your godfather's brother. You remember your god-uncle Charlie.
Frasier: No. I barely even remember my godfather, he died twenty years ago.
Martin: Oh, yeah? Well now his brother's dead, too, so shake a leg. The wake's in twenty minutes.
Frasier: Dad, you know as much as I'd like to pay my respects, catch up with my god-cousins and meet the god-neighbors, I have some urgent business that just can't wait until later.

Frasier: Niles, you see, there is a beast in all of us. Part of becoming a rational adult is learning to control it. That's what separates us from the Kreizels of this world.
Niles: That and their tendency to squat on their haunches and groom each other.

Niles: Evening, all. Oh, what lovely costumes. Daphne, you look particularly beautiful.
Daphne: Oh, thanks. I'm not sure I agree. It's a bit tight. Must have put on a pound or two.
Frasier: [British accent] That's enough out of you, you wanton troll. Or I'll smite your bawdy backside with the flat of me sinewy right hand!
Martin: At least on the ride over her I could stick my head out the window.