Frasier: Yes, well, I know how bleak these times can be. But believe me, they will come to an end sooner or later. I remember a time back in Boston when I was going through exactly what you're going through now. Just a week later I met a lovely barmaid. Sophisticated, if a bit loquacious. We fell madly in love, we got engaged- Of course, she left me standing at the altar. But the point is, I didn't give up. I took my poor, battered heart and offered it to Lilith- Who put it in her little Cuisinart and hit the purée button! But, I rebounded! And look how far I've come... I'm divorced, lonely, and living with my father.

Frasier: And this concludes our test of the emergency broadcast system. Had this been a real emergency, your radio would be melting in your hands. We'll be right back after these messages.

Frasier: Niles, I think it's time that you be running along, too.
Niles: Yes, I must be on my way. And, Frasier, I must apologize, I was wrong about Tom. If I had to choose a man for Daphne, he's the one I'd pick.

Niles: There's something I have to tell you. Dad wanted to but I won the coin toss.
Frasier: Yes, what is it?
Niles: Well, I had a little chat with Tom in the kitchen and he told me he's interested in pursing a romantic relationship. But, the object of his affections is not Daphne.
Frasier: Damn that Roz!
Niles: No, no. It's you.
Frasier: ... Me? That's impossible. Tom's not gay.
Niles: He seems to be under that impression.
Frasier: Well, what on earth could have made him think I was interested in him? All I did was ask him if he was attached, and then we talked about the theatre and men's fashions... Oh, my God! Niles, do you realize what this means?
Niles: Yes, you're dating your boss. You, of all people, should know the pitfalls of an office relationship.
Frasier: Yes, but, you know, he didn't say that- He never mentioned the fact that he-
Niles: I'll call you tomorrow, but not too early, of course.

Tom: Er, Niles, can I speak with you for a moment?
Niles: Yes.
Tom: I was wondering, did I do anything that offended you?
Niles: No. [angrily throws pots into the sink]
Tom: Oh. It must be all in my head. But I sensed that you had a problem with me dating Frasier.
Niles: Well, if you must know... [long pause] ... I'm sorry, what was the question?
Tom: Do you have some problem with me dating your brother?
Niles: [pleasantly] No.

Tom: Does this mean your Dad's not gay either?
Frasier: No, no, Dad's not gay.
Tom: But Niles, come on!
Frasier: No, I'm afraid not.
Tom: Huh. So, wait a minute, this Maris guy he kept mentioning is a woman?
Frasier: Well, the jury's still out on that one.

Martin: Yeah, let me tell you, you're gonna love Seattle. It's a real people place. Great food, great bars-
Tom: I've heard that. Any you recommend?
Martin: Yeah, I usually hang out at a place called Duke's. Great crowd, lot of young cops.

Niles: There we go. Triple espresso and my mocha latte. Do those chocolate shavings look different to you?
Frasier: No.
Niles: Well, they do to me. I think they've switched to an inferior domestic brand. [takes a sip] Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm. Waxy.

Daphne: God, the noise the bloody thing makes! It would be less upsetting just to wake up on fire!
Martin: What the hell triggered it?
Daphne: Who knows? I was dozing quite peacefully when it started screaming away for no reason at all.
[Eddie runs in, jumps on a chair with a packet of cigarettes in his mouth.]
Frasier: I see. What have we here? Eddie, you've been smoking in Daphne's bedroom. Bad dog!

Roz: God, you look like you've been ridden hard and put away wet.
Frasier: Well, I was up till all hours of the night with Daphne, competing to see which one of us had the most pathetic love life. On the bright side, I won.