Frasier: Hello, condo owners. I'm sorry my opponent has chosen to be vindictive about my family, but that is merely characteristic of her behavior during her entire term in office. How else would one explain this? This citation my father received last night is a perfect example of the prejudice that this woman is capable of.
Ms. Langer: We are all aware of your father's behavior last night. I'm surprised you're not too afraid to bring it up.
Frasier: Ashamed? Not at all! I defend his behavior! So he had his little friend out where he shouldn't be. So what? He's been doing it for years!
Ms. Langer: You approve of his behavior?
Frasier: Approve? I applaud it! Have you no compassion? My father is getting older. He hasn't many pleasures left in life. I can't tell you the hours of joy that that little guy has brought him. And not just him. Who among us can't help but break into a smile upon seeing the little fella? Oh, I know, you know, sometimes it is irksome when his little Eddie appears at any inopportune moments, but...
Ms. Langer: He's named it Eddie?
Frasier: Not exactly, of course, a name I might have chosen. I might have gone with something a bit more... Oh, I don't know, whimsical like, uh, oh... Puck. You know, the frolicsome sprite from Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Don't look so shocked. Whom does it really harm if he unleashes Eddie once in a while? Come on, it's not as though he's alone in this behavior. Mrs. Tortwurst, I've seen you do the same thing many times with your Fluffy. You know, if you ask me, not only is this behavior harmless, it's laudable. Why, you should see the looks on the faces of the schoolchildren when he takes Eddie out by the playground.
[Daphne rushes in.]
Frasier: What, what, what?
[Daphne whispers in Frasier's ear. He reviews the citation again.]
Frasier: On the other hand, we all need rules. [turns to Daphne] Go, go, go!
[Frasier and Daphne run out. He sticks his head back in the room:]
Frasier: Sorry about the knocker.

Niles: Well, last night I invited Dad to use my apartment for a quiet, romantic dinner with Sherry while I attended "La Traviata." Well, the production was just dreadful. In "Ah, fors'e lui," the soprano couldn't hit the E flat above high C to save her life. So, I got so fed up I stormed out, drove home, entered my apartment and when I saw what Dad and Sherry were doing there, I hit the note myself.
Frasier: You mean they were...
Niles: They were!
Frasier: Oh! What did you do?
Niles: Pulled up a chaise lounge and took out my opera glasses, what do you think I did? I slammed the door and ran away. I've never been so embarrassed.

Martin: I'd love to cook a nice romantic dinner for Sherry, but I can't do it at her place because I'm allergic to her cats and there's just no privacy around here.
Niles: Say no more, Dad. My bachelor pad is the perfect place to entertain a young lady. Just remember: Always use coasters, no snacking in the carpeted areas, and close the art books after viewing so you don't crease the spine.
Frasier: I believe they have the same rules at the Playboy Mansion.

Sherry: So, you two've been shopping?
Frasier: Well, antiquing actually. I just found the most exquisite Japanese door knocker, it's said to bring peace and tranquility to any home it adorns.
Sherry: Oh, I haven't seen any decent oriental knockers since "Empress Chow's Shanghai Revue".
Martin: Isn't she great? She is as funny as she is classy.
Niles: No argument there.

Frasier: I'm not so helpless I cannot install a simple door knocker on my own. [Frasier opens the door, places the doorknocker where'd he like it, and stares]
Martin: You probably need a screwdriver.
Frasier: That's exactly what I was about to get.
Martin: It's in the tool drawer. [Frasier wanders around aimlessly] The drawer under that big tea server thing.
Frasier: Dad, that is a Byelorussian samovar! My God, how long have you lived here?!

Sherry: Oh, actually, hon, I just remembered I've got an errand I gotta run before I get to work. Goodbye, Niles. Don't worry, I'm not going to kiss you, I know it embarrasses you. Wait, come here, you've got some schmutz on your cheek. [Sherry licks her thumb and uses it to wipe Niles' face] My mistake, it's a mole .You might want to have that checked.
Niles: Oh, I think now I'll just play it safe and have it removed.

Frasier: Oh, what's this? "Your unauthorized door knocker violates the condo by-laws regarding hallway decoration. Remove it immediately."
Daphne: Oh, that's one of Mrs. Langer's no-no slips. I can't stand that woman. Just because she's president of the condo board she acts like this building's her kingdom. Everything has to be done exactly the way she likes it.
Frasier: Yes, well, Daphne, nobody hates a bossy fussbudget more than I do but... Daphne, askew, askew! Don't you see?

Ms. Langer: Is that Frasier Crane talking while I'm talking?
Frasier: Well, yes. I'm sorry, Ms. Langer. I was just inquiring as to whether I was too late to raise some new business.
Ms. Langer: Well, we were just about to get to that. Why don't you go ahead?
Frasier: I'll be quick. [stands and speaks] Earlier today, I installed a new door knocker without your permission. Now, I'd like to say in my defense that my over-eagerness was not out of disrespect but rather enthusiasm for the door knocker, which I'm sure you will agree is really quite beautiful. I understand the rule exists to prohibit people from putting eyesores in public places, but I ask you, should it apply to something as beautiful as this?Here, if you will please. Something, which only serves to elevate our spirits. Let's just say somebody passes by my door, sees the knocker and suddenly feels just a little bit better without even knowing why. That same
person passes a perfect stranger and smiles, who in turn reaches down and picks up, perhaps, a piece of trash; plants a garden, volunteers at a soup kitchen. Like little ripples on a still pond, the happiness spreads. What I'm asking to do, think of this not simply as an ornament but rather an opportunity, dare I say it, of knocking on the door of a new, more civilized world. Thank you.

Ms. Langer: Allow us just a moment.
Frasier: Of course.
Ms. Langer: Request denied. You must remove the knocker within twenty-four hours, despite the consequences to world peace.
Frasier: I appreciate your...
Ms. Langer: Are you still talking? Your request is denied. Sit down!
Frasier: But there has been no discussion, it hasn't even been opened up to the floor.
Ms. Langer: I will entertain suggestions from the floor if anyone has any idea how to shut this man up.
Frasier: I came down here expecting a fair hearing in the democratic tradition, but I see now that you are a tyrant, concerned more with the exercise of power than with justice! Well, fine, I will leave now taking solace in the certain knowledge that in time, you, Ms. Langer, will join all tyrants on the ash-heap of history!
[Frasier walks out of the room to a round of applause. He returns to take his briefcase]
Frasier: I'm not here. [His briefcase falls open as he tries to leave.] Oh, dear. I'll just get those later.

Roz: Listen, Frasier, this job is a nightmare. Trust me, I know. Like if somebody wants a garbage disposal, they'll bug you day and night, they'll leave kitchen scraps in your mailbox until they get what they want.
Frasier: You've served on a condo board?
Roz: No, but I have a brand new garbage disposal.