Frasier: [into phone] My eight year-old son is visiting me this weekend and he asked specifically if I could arrange a tour of the Microsoft complex. I was wondering what's your policy on... I'm sorry to hear that. You know, I don't often trade on my celebrity status, but does the name Frasier Crane mean anything to you? ... I'm sorry to hear that. Well, um, you know, it's entirely possible that one day a relative of yours may wish to tour my workplace... It's a radio station. Oh, forget it!

Niles: I went through some of my old albums this morning and found a few photos of us when we were Frederick's age.
Frasier: Oh, Lord.
Niles: I thought he might find them amusing. Oh here, there we are, all dressed up for our first cub scout hike.
Frasier: And the last.
Niles: Yes, well, we didn't exactly endear ourselves to the pack. All the other kids had those knapsacks, we showed up with those monogrammed train cases.

Frasier: Niles, refresh my memory. Why are we wearing plastic snouts and a tiny little wading pool around our waists?
Niles: Oh, you've forgotten. That Halloween we went as "The Bay of Pigs."
Frasier: Ah! Yes, as I recall nobody got it. We finally had to take to telling that we were "Swine Lake." They didn't get that either. That was a long evening.

Frederick: Hello, Uncle Niles.
Niles: Hello, Frederick. My, aren't you getting big.
Frederick: I'm the same exact size I was the last time you saw me.
Niles: Well, your mother's cooking will do that for a growing boy.

Bulldog: Hey, look, I know how tough it is when you're a kid and you find out your dad's not as great as you thought. Look, I was about Frederick's age when- Well, I came home, my mom was out and I caught my dad with another woman.
Frasier: Oh, Bulldog, I'm sorry.
Bulldog: No, no, wait, you haven't heard the bad part yet. She was ugly, doc. I mean coyote ugly. My own dad. And the best excuse he could come up with was, "Hey, you don't look at the mantle when you're poking the fire!" Hey! I just got that. [chuckling]

Daphne: We went to the amusement park. We had a lovely time. Only, I think the Ferris wheel scared him a bit. He spent the whole ride hugging me for dear life.
Niles: Really.
Frederick: Her hair smells like strawberries.
Niles: It smells like peach blossoms, lavender and vanilla. ... From over here at least.

Frasier: I've got to learn how to play softball.
Niles: In two days?
Frasier: Well, back in college, when Stu Oberfeld got sick, I learnt the role of Mercutio in just a day and a half. I was brilliant. In the dueling scene, the audience was on the edge of their seats.
Niles: Yes, and they were under them when the sword flew out of your hand.

Martin: Well, never mind that. You know, it's kind of fun to finally be out here.
Frasier: Oh, at the risk of sounding like Stanley cornering Blanche DuBois in "Streetcar", "We've had this date with each other from the very beginning."
Martin: I knew you'd ruin it.

Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Frasier, you look like an authentic jock. I'm half-tempted to hand over my lunch money.
Frasier: Is that your idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire?
Niles: Obviously you failed to detect the subtle diamond pattern in my tie.

Frasier: Ah, actually, Frederick, I'm really okay with those things, I am. I just want you to know that it's okay for you to feel bad about them. You see, when I was about your age, I felt real bad about learning that your Grandpa can't do math in his head. I learned later, of course, that that really wasn't very important because he can do so many other things so well.
Frederick: Grandpa can't do math in his head?!
Frasier: Yes, but- See, that's not really the issue.
Martin: What did you go and tell him that for?
Frasier: I was illustrating a point.
Frederick: You mean you can't do it at all?
Martin: Well, yeah, sure I can, Freddie.
Frederick: I knew you could. What's seven times fifteen? You can do it, Grandpa.
[Frasier writes 105 in the air]
Martin: Uh, 115?
Frederick: Oh, Grandpa.
Martin: Well, thanks a lot, Frasier.