Frasier: It's 4:25, and this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Roz, who's our next caller?
Roz: We have Hank on line three. He's having trouble with his neighbors.
Frasier: Hello, Hank, I'm listening.
Hank: "Am I on?"
Frasier: Yes, you're on the air.
Hank: "Hello, am I on?"
Frasier: Hank, listen. Turn down your radio and just talk into your phone.
Hank: "Hello?"
Frasier: Hank, please. You won't be able to hear yourself. We're on a seven-second delay.
Hank: "Hello, can you hear me?"
Frasier: For crying out loud! Thank you, Hank. People, would you please turn off your damn radios! Ah, no, I mean just those of you who are calling in!

Daphne: # Deck the halls with boughs of holly # [Martin joins in] Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la # 'Tis the season to be jolly # Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la # Don we now our gay apparel # Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la #
Frasier: Excuse me, excuse me. Exactly how long have I been asleep?

Daphne: Now, the theme this year is Santa's workshop. Everybody put on your little elf hats.
Frasier: I am not putting this on my head! I mean, for God's sake, I'm a respected professional!
Martin: But if you don't, it'll look stupid!
Frasier: Oh, I think the ship has already sailed on that one.
Martin: Just put the hat on, Frasier.
Frasier: You can't tell me what to do.
Martin: I am telling you. Put the hat on.
Frasier: The days are gone when you can just sit me on top of some stupid old Packard and make me wear a matching sweater with my little brother.
Daphne: Boys, please, don't fight! Are you forgetting what day it is?
Frasier: It's October 21!

Martin: I don't know why we can't just do what me and my wife did. Put Frasier and Niles in matching sweaters and sit them on the hood of the old Packard.

Niles: What does your stomach have to say about this?
Frasier: My stomach?
Niles: You know what I'm talking about. Ever since you were a child, if you even approached a breach of ethics you'd get queasy. Actually, you'd get physically sick.
Frasier: Well, at least when it came to ethics I didn't get spontaneous nosebleeds.
Niles: Remember the time we lifted that dollar bill from mom's change purse? We left quite a gruesome trail back to the tree house that day.
Frasier: Ah, but you see, Niles, you've proved my point. I'm not the least bit queasy, I'm fine. My head, my heart, my gastrointestinal system, they're all shouting the same thing. It's okay! [looks around] Niles? Niles, this is a new car?
Niles: Yes, actually it is. Patient of mine got me a huge break on a lease. [puts his finger to his nose] Frasier, do you have a handkerchief?

Martin: Where the hell is Frasier, anyway? I could use some help here.
Daphne: He's still napping. My grandfather used to nap every afternoon. He lived to be 93.
Martin: Really?
Daphne: He'd lie there on the sofa, and you couldn't wake him for the world. Grammy would say, "He might as well be a dead man." Then, of course, one day, we couldn't wake him. He really was a dead man. Poor Grammy.
For weeks, she kept insisting: "'E's napping, 'e's napping."

Frasier: How I envy you, Eddie. The biggest questions you face are "who's going to walk me?" "Who's going to feed me?" I won't know that kind of joy for another forty years.

Frasier: "Soft and supple, yet strong, right down to the beautiful almond-shaped nails." You really see all of that in my hand?

Frasier: No, it's called jealousy, Marco. Now you've got to stop spying on your ex-girlfriend and get on with your life. Borrow a page from my book. Ah, move to a new city, a new state. Find out why everybody's talking about Pittsburgh!

Catherine: Well thank you, Dr. Crane! First you screw things up with Marco, and now you're dumping me? God! And to think I was going to have sex with you. And it was going to be hot. Oh, like you've never had before. I'm talking steamy, sweat-dripping-down-your-back, neighbors-pounding-on-the-wall, illegal-in-forty-eight-states kind of sex. But, hey! You're okay, you won't be alone tonight. No, you've got your ethics. Oh, by the way, the fish was dry.
Frasier: Oh, that was a cheap shot!