Gertrude: It's a bloody miracle we're here in one piece what with the way you drive.
Roz: I'm better at it when someone's not screaming in my ear.
Gertrude: Well, in my day people didn't drive so recklessly. Do you know why?
Alice: Is it because you rode dinosaurs?
Gertrude: You should talk to your daughter.
Roz: [to Alice, after Gertrude storms off] When we get home, you're getting ice cream.

Daphne: Oh, don't worry, Dr. Crane, I'll take Eddie for a walk. And as far as your problem at work goes, if you want my opinion-
Frasier: Don't! I've had my share of women's opinions for the week, between the station's new Reichschancellor and Roz's incessant whining. As far as I'm concerned, your entire sex can put a sock in it!
[Frasier goes back to his bedroom]
Martin: Boy, you'd never let me get away with a comment like that.
Daphne: [gets up and walks over to the door] Oh, even the best of us can get a bit cranky when we're overtired. All Dr. Crane needs right now is a little peace and quiet. Eddie? [Daphne puts two fingers in her mouth and emits a loud whistle]
Frasier: [o.s.] Damn it!

Frasier: Down, Eddie, down. I said down. Good boy, Eddie. Just get down. Good, good, Eddie. Get down! Dad. Dad, I can't read my paper. Eddie's staring at me.
Martin: Well, you do make quite a picture in the morning. Just ignore him.
Frasier: I'm trying to.
Martin: I'm talking to the dog.

Frasier: Oh, Niles, to what do we owe this pleasure?
Niles: To an unscrupulous art dealer who's trying to rob me blind. Last night, I was at a gallery opening, and—
Frasier: Niles, is this going to be a long story?
Niles: Moderately.
Frasier: Walk and talk.
Niles: Anyway, I was at this opening, in conversation, when I made a rather emphatic point about pointillism, when I lost the grip on my canapé and found that it became airborne. Well, the next thing I know I'm being confronted by an irate gallery owner who's demanding I reimburse him for the damage to one of his paintings. How he could notice a fleck of foie gras on a Jackson Pollock is beyond me.

Frasier: Nightmare Inn, Act Two. I was baffled. They all had alibis. Suddenly, Miss Thorndike pointed, her eyes wide with alarm.
Roz: There's someone outside the window.
Frasier: Why yes, Miss Thorndike, it appears to be... [calliope music plays] ... the ice-cream truck! But never mind that, suddenly the storm put the lights out. And we were left with darkness. Then a scream.
Maxine: [screams] Look out! He's got a nug!
Frasier: A gun! A gun is what he's got.

Frasier: Listen, Dad. Do you mind giving me a ride to work today? My car is in the shop.
Martin: Again?
Frasier: Well, yeah, my seat-warmer's stuck on high, so I tried to offset it by blasting the air conditioner, which resulted in sort of a fog bank on my dashboard.

Frasier: Did you tell him that he should go out more?
Martin: Yeah, what's wrong with that?
Frasier: Well, he is using it as an excuse to quit therapy. After one night out with you in a bar, the man is ready to throw away three weeks of intense analysis.
Martin: Well, Fras, the guy's finally having a little fun. Don't you want him to be happy?
Frasier: I am not trying to make him happy. I am trying to cure his depression!