Previous Episode Next Episode 

37Quotes from ‘Dinner Party’

Frasier: Dinner Party

617. Dinner Party

Aired March 11, 1999

As Frasier and Niles spend the evening trying to arrange a dinner party, they question whether their relationship is odd.

Quote from Frasier

Niles: This is absurd. Why don't we just call Allison up and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us? We can both get her on an extension.
Frasier: Better yet, why don't we just get on a bicycle built for two, ride over there and ask her what's so strange about us.

Quote from Frasier

Niles: You see, she never said odd. We're getting upset over nothing.
Frasier: Nothing? Is there a good end to that sentence? "Personally, I think the whole arrangement is a little..." What? Charming?!

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: You know, Niles, I think I'm going to have a dinner party. Care to co-host?
Niles: What a lovely idea. What's the occasion?
Frasier: I got the idea last night when we bumped into Gene and Hollis Ashby at the symphony, I've always wanted to get to know them better.
Niles: Me too, they're such a charming couple. They remind me of Maris and me when we were happy.
Frasier: Really? I must have been sick that day.

Quote from Niles

Roz: Daphne has friends at the British Consulate and they're having a big reception tonight, she has an invitation.
Daphne: Yes, who knows Roz? Maybe you'll meet some English lord who'll make you a Lady. [Daphne and Roz exit]
Niles: I think at this point it would take the actual Lord to make her a lady.

Quote from Niles

Niles: What about the 11th?
Frasier: No, concert tickets.
Niles: I don't have that marked.
Frasier: Yes, I'm taking a date.
Niles: Well, isn't that nice. [writes] 11th, "expect desperate last minute call from F."

Quote from Frasier

Martin: What's up?
Frasier: Well actually, after an unusually protracted game of dueling date books, Niles and I have set a mutually acceptable evening for an intime soiree. [blank look from Martin] We're having a dinner party.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: Dad, you know we wouldn't ask if there was any other date that worked.
Martin: Do you really expect me to give up my game so you can have one of your intime soirees?
Niles: I knew he knew what that meant.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: Damn. Don't you know it. The only date he's got free is the 11th. Damn those concert tickets.
Niles: Oh, you know who might be available, Tyler Wilkins.
Frasier: Doesn't he work with Cornell?
Niles: Oh, dear God, no. They are mortal enemies. They were catering a seafood banquet when Cornell flew into a rage because Tyler had ordered mahi-mahi instead of ahi. Of course, Tyler blamed it on Cornell's stutter and they haven't spoken since.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: All right, we each have a right to blackball, let's say, three guests. We will each get an equal voice.
Niles: That's fair enough.
Frasier: That's three for me and three for you. And just to get the blackball rolling, bye-bye, Birkins!
Niles: What about John and Carol Peterson? Everyone loves them.
Frasier: Not everyone. Blackball!
Niles: Why?
Frasier: No, no, we never question the blackball. We just bow to its will.
Niles: Fine, Nina and Arch Duncan.
Frasier: "The Drunken Duncans"? Have you lost your... Wait a minute. You loathe the Duncans, you just want me to waste a blackball.
Niles: That's insane, I adore the Duncans.
Frasier: Really? Well, perhaps I misjudged them. Very well, Niles, the Duncans it is. Nina and Arch...
Niles: Oh, stop it, they're hideous. Blackball!

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: [on the phone] The 11th should be just fine. Oh no, they've got a conflict. Oh, well that's no problem. They were our very next call. We absolutely adore the Duncans. All right, we'll see you then.
Niles: Not the drunken Duncans?
Frasier: I'm sorry Niles, they've got plans for the Ashbys on the 11th, so they're invited, too.
Niles: Well, I want my blackball back.
Frasier: The blackball once dropped can never be-
Niles: Shut up!

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: [on the phone] Joaquim? Joaquim is coming in from Argentina, you'd like him to, to join us... Well?
Niles: Joaquim Juarez, he's the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic.
Frasier: [to Niles] My God, that's right, they were just down there, they must have met him. [on the phone] We would love to have Joaquim join us. Oh, that's splendid. All right. Right. Then we'll see you on the 11th. The 11th. All right, take two swizzle sticks and stand them up side by side. Eleven, that's right.
Niles: We've got Joaquim.
Frasier: Well, don't cry for me, Arch & Nina.

Quote from Niles

Niles: Oh, Roz, perfect timing.
Roz: What's up?
Niles: We're having a dinner party and we need an interesting single woman. ... Do you know anybody? We're desperate.

Quote from Roz

Frasier: Naturally we thought of you first, Roz, but this isn't really your kind of crowd.
Roz: What? Sophisticated, cultured, is that why you don't think I'd fit in with your snooty elitist friends? I'm not genteel enough?
Frasier: Now Roz...
Roz: Now Roz, my ass. I'm just as refined as you are. Shut up, Niles.

Quote from Martin

Martin: I'm not changing it back. I'm not.
Frasier: Now, Dad, I would never even consider asking you to do such a thing. I tell you what, there's no reason why we can't hold both parties simultaneously. The apartment's certainly big enough.
Martin: I know what you're trying to do, and it won't work.
Frasier: What, Dad? I'm serious. No, no, we can share the buffet table and we can even have the harpist learn a couple of Bobby Darin tunes for your crowd.
Martin: I can stand it if you can.
Frasier: Of course, we will have to dim the lights at one point. You see, Nina Duncan always insists on sharing her extensive collection of slides from the summer she danced Agamemnon at Jacob's Pillow.
Martin: ... All right, I'll change it.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: Perhaps she has a point. Ever since your divorce you have become more and more attached to me. Maybe that's why she said what she said.
Niles: What?
Frasier: You get Frasier, you get that Niles.
Niles: She didn't say that. She said "you get the one, you get that other one." What makes you think that you're the one and I'm that other one?
Frasier: Because I am the one giving the party, and you are that other one.
Niles: Yes, well, I'm the one that invited her, so that makes you that other one.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: [on the phone] Oh, yes, Joaquim can only eat certain foods. Well, yes I'd be glad to accommodate them. Let's see, all right. Rice, beans, jerked beef. Any particular reason? I see. Interesting. Okay. Bye. [hangs up]
Niles: Why is Joaquim on such a strict diet?
Frasier: Because the Joaquim they're bringing to dinner is their foster child. From a tiny village on the Pampas. He speaks no English and he gets nauseated when he eats American food.
Niles: So, he's not the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic?
Frasier: Oh, you are so that other one!

Quote from Martin

Niles: Allison Wolpert can say what she wants, why should we care a whit about what anybody else thinks. Am I right?
Frasier: Absolutely. [to Martin] Dad, do you think we're odd?
Martin: No, you're not odd. You're just special. Your mother told me that when you were kids and I still believe it.

Quote from Martin

Frasier: Yes, but do you think we spend too much time together?
Martin: What kinds of questions are these? You're close. Lots of brothers are close.
Frasier: Yes, I suppose you're right about that. I mean, the Gershwins, the Wright Brothers.
Niles: I told you we were getting upset over nothing.
Martin: [laughs] Course, then there were the Collyer brothers.
Niles: Collyer brothers?
Martin: Oh, yeah. A couple of nutsos that shared an apartment in New York their whole lives. They even built a maze out of newspapers in there that only they knew how to get through. It collapsed on one of them and the other one just sat there with the dead body until the neighbors complained about the smell. [laughs] Pretty crazy story, huh? You recycle right, Niles?

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: You know, maybe it wouldn't be the worst idea if we went our own ways a bit more.
Niles: Well, it's possible we have grown a tad dependent on one another.
Frasier: Perhaps this is just the warning we need. Today we're planning a dinner party, tomorrow we're wearing matching pajamas and washing each other's hair. Let's face it, Niles, we are one stone's throw away from becoming the neighborhood kooks. Right down to the local children ringing our doorbell and running away.
Niles: Now, Frasier, you are letting your imagination get the better of you. Come on, let's go make a seating chart.
Frasier: You always know how to cheer me up.

Quote from Niles

Niles: So where does that leave us?
Frasier: Well, let's see. We have a third-rate caterer with a record, two lushes, a couple who think we're both nutcases, an Argentine wild child and Roz. Dinner is served!
Niles: I still have one blackball left.
Frasier: At this point I don't think one is going to make any difference.
Niles: It will to me, I'm using it on myself. Blackball!

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Dear God. We are the Collyer brothers. Why don't we just face the inevitable. Let's just cancel the whole damn thing.
Niles: Of course, canceling the party twenty minutes later people'll think we're strange.
Frasier: Well, frankly, I'm sick and tired about giving a damn about what other people think. You know, most of them are one marble away from not being here in the first place.
Niles: You're right. So we spend a lot of time together, so what? I enjoy it.
Frasier: So do I, Niles. You know, we can make those calls tomorrow to cancel. I'm famished. Why don't we just head over to Campagne for dinner, my treat.
Niles: You're on. Unless you think it's too odd to have dinner together.
Frasier: [laughs] Oh, I don't think we're in any danger of that. If our relationship became truly odd, I think we're both intelligent enough to recognize the signs.
[Frasier's doorbell rings. He opens the door, but there's nobody there]
Frasier: I think I'll pass on dinner.
Niles: Okay, good night.

Quote from Roz

Frasier: Is that your dry cleaning?
Roz: No, it's Daphne's. Alice spit up on her dress so I had to have it dry-cleaned for her. I also had to buy her new shoes and detail her car. I've never seen a kid so sick.

Quote from Martin

Martin: My poker game's here that night.
Frasier: Can't you reschedule it?
Martin: No! It's always the third Saturday of the month and everybody shows. Jimmy once postponed his daughter's wedding just so that he could be here, and if you ever saw his daughter you'd know how risky that was.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: Dad, please, couldn't you at least make a few calls? I tell you what, if you can change the day, I'll cover your losses that night.
Martin: Well, all right, I'll try. But you know, these guys live pretty busy lives. I can't always get in touch with them.
Niles: Yes. Let's hope that dog track has a PA system.

Quote from Roz

Niles: Daphne, wait, wait, wait, wait, there's something on the back of your dress.
Daphne: Oh, my God, it looks like bleach or something. The dry cleaner must have done it.
Roz: I saw it, it's nothing.
Daphne: You saw it?
Roz: Don't worry, it's hardly noticeable.
Daphne: Dr. Crane noticed it.
Roz: That's because he's always looking at your...
Niles: Roz!

Quote from Niles

Niles: You know Daphne, I bet I would be able to get that out for you.
Daphne: No. The cleaner's spoiled it, he can damn well fix it.
Niles: It would just take...
Frasier: Niles! [on his phone] Can I speak to Cornell, please? Yes, of course I'll hold.
Niles: [going to Daphne's room again] Daphne, I mean it, if I just had a toothbrush and a jeweler's...
Frasier: Niles!

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Now you, me and the fabulous Ashbys. That leaves six chairs to fill.
Niles: Well, we'll have to have Joan and Ted Birkin, that's a no-brainer.
Frasier: Technically that's two no-brainers. Forget the Birkins.

Quote from Frasier

Niles: How about the DiFalcos?
Frasier: Blackball! She is a twit. How about the Whitneys?
Niles: Blackball! He's a dolt. Cromwells?
Frasier: Blackball!
Niles: Look, if you're gonna... Wait a minute, you're out of blackballs. This is a dried-up old fig.
Frasier: So is Missy Cromwell. I don't want her at my party.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: They've got the 11th free.
Niles: No good, we've got that concert.
Frasier: I didn't ask you to that.

Quote from Niles

Niles: Well, thanks to your keen sense of smell, we've lost both caterers. I suppose we can always get Kiki Price.
Frasier: She still in business?
Niles: Yes, they dropped the charges.

Quote from Martin

Martin: Well, I hope you're satisfied. I got everyone to change. We're gonna have it on the 11th.
Frasier: The 11th?
Martin: Yeah, and it wasn't easy either, Mel had to reschedule his polyp surgery.

Quote from Daphne

Daphne: What happened?
Roz: He said I wasn't classy enough to come to his fancy dinner party.
Frasier: Roz, you know I didn't mean that.
Daphne: Oh, get in line. I've lived here for six years and the only time I'm asked to that table is when I'm holding a freaking serving spoon.

Quote from Niles

Niles: Daphne, you're not actually going out in that, are you?
Daphne: That's it. I'm staying home.
Roz: No, just try it, we can accessorize it.
Niles: With what? A lamp post and a public defender?

Quote from Frasier

Niles: What you suppose she meant by that?
Frasier: Obviously, she thinks we're always together. That we're some sort of "couple."
Niles: That's ridiculous, we spend lots of times apart. Besides, who is she to talk? Look at her and Harry. They go everywhere together.
Frasier: They're married, Niles.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Where are wegoing to find someone to babysit a nine year old child?
Roz: [o.s] Quit your blubbering and just pick something, damn it.
Frasier: Roz-
Roz: Now what?
Frasier: You were right. You know, you would be a welcome addition to any party.
Roz: Oh, you don't have to say that.
Frasier: No, no, no. Honestly, Niles and I want you to join us for dinner.
Roz: You mean it?
Frasier: Yes, yes. In fact, we're having someone who might make a very interesting dinner companion for you.
Roz: He's not some stuffy old coot, is he?
Frasier: No, no...
Niles: Young!
Frasier: Yes, very young.

Quote from Daphne

Niles: Oh, Daphne, isn't that Roz's dress?
Daphne: Yes, it was really the only thing that looked good on me. Come on, Roz, we don't want to be late!
[Roz enters wearing the glittery blue dress]
Daphne: Doesn't she look beautiful!
Roz: Oh, shove it, Daphne. I know you think I look like a hooker.
Daphne: No, I said it made me look like a hooker. On you... Well, it works.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: [on phone] Hello? Yes, yes. Oh Lord, I'm so sorry you can't make it. That's all right. Yes, some other time. Goodbye. [hangs up]
Niles: Oh, please not the Ashbys.
Frasier: Family emergency. Apparently it's so urgent they didn't have time to think of a plausible excuse.


 Episode 616 Episode 618