Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.

Frasier: What the hell was that? Was that a gunshot?
Niles: Morning, Frasier. Just getting up?
Frasier: "Just getting up?" Are you out of your mind? A gun just went off in here!
Martin: Niles bought a starter's pistol.
Niles: And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. Was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!

Niles: Well, that's it. It's over. It's over and I've lost. Maris has won. Maris always wins.
Martin: Niles.
Niles: Niles never wins! Niles always loses! That's why Niles lives at the Shangri-La and drives a hatchback!

Frasier: What is my offense? What egregious sin have I committed, that I should be so maligned? Was I to just sit idly by and watch these two misguided souls embark on doomed relationships? Would they have thanked me for that? Not very likely, I dare say.
Martin: Who moved the mustard?
Frasier: Top shelf, door.
Martin: Bingo.
Frasier: And then, when they were perched on the very brink of disaster, I snatched them from the gaping maw and placed them gently into one another's arms. But am I accorded a hero's welcome for my troubles? Am I hoisted on their shoulders and paraded about the room?
Martin: I don't have my glasses. What's the expiration date?
Frasier: Last week.
Martin: I'll chance it.
Frasier: No! Those two ingrates turn on me like vipers, and make me the villain of the piece. Well, hear me now. From this day forward, Frasier Crane will not interfere with those two. This is it. Finished. Finito. Non quam postea.
Martin: Uh-huh.
Frasier: I know I've made declarations like this before, but I tell you what, Dad, you mark the calendar. You note the time on your watch! This. Is. It.

Frasier: Hello, and welcome back to the Frasier Crane Show. We are broadcasting today from KQZY in beautiful Spokane. Let's go to the phones. Hello, caller. I'm listening.
Roz: Hi, Dr. Crane. My name is Ro... berta, and, um... I'm afraid of the dark.
Frasier: What is it about the dark that frightens you?
Roz: Um... I don't know. Um... [long pause]
Frasier: Often a fear of darkness is a fear of the unknown. It is in darkness where our imaginations give shape to our deepest anxieties. What image comes to mind for you?
Roz: Nothing, actually.
Frasier: Nothing?
Roz: Yeah, when everything disappears, there's nothing. Just emptiness.
Frasier: I see. And what is it about the emptiness that frightens you?
Roz: It's... lonely, for one thing.
Frasier: Have you always felt this way?
Roz: For a while I didn't.
Frasier: What was different then?
Roz: I had somebody. A guy I really liked. And then we broke up. [crying] Oh God, Frasier. I miss him so much. I-I don't know how I fell in love again. I mean, I swore I wouldn't. I knew better. I should have known better. And then, sure enough, six months in, he tells me there's no fireworks. And what am I supposed to say? [sobs]
Frasier: I'm so sorry. But listen to me. You can't blame yourself for letting someone into your heart. Love is always a risk. But you have to take it. The pain you're feeling now will pass in time, and you'll find yourself ready to take that risk again. Until then... take comfort in your friends. They want to help you. They love you.
Roz: Yeah, thanks.
Frasier: You're welcome.

Frasier: "I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat and snicker."
Niles: T.S. Eliot.
Frasier: Dead.
Niles: "Must not all things at the last be swallowed up in death?"
Frasier: Plato.
Niles: Even deader.