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‘Clavado En Un Bar’ Quotes Page 1 of 5    

New Girl: Clavado En Un Bar

311. Clavado En Un Bar

Aired January 7, 2014

When Jess considers leaving teaching and taking another job, the gang reminisce about their careers.

Quote from Winston

Winston: And that's when I decided to stop playing the game of basketball. Jess, walk away the moment you stop loving it. I mean, that's what I did.
Jess: That's the thing, you didn't walk away.
Coach: You decided nothing. That story contains zero decisions.
Winston: Look, I decided to stop playing the game of basketball when my doctor told me I had to stop. Okay, okay, all right, I it was my decision to start to play the game of basket.
Jess: You were handed a basketball six seconds after you were born.
Winston: Damn, do I even like basketball? I mean, goodness, have I ever made any decisions my whole life? Are we all just living inside the mind of a giant?

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Quote from Schmidt

[flashback:]
Schmidt: Have you always been short? I've always been fat. But who cares how God made you? Don't let him put you in a skin box. At the end of the day, I'm just a fat guy standing here in front of a short guy telling him that I think we found his tree.
[present:]
Schmidt: It wasn't long before I caught the attention of Old Man McCue, Christmas tree king of Syracuse, inventor of triple netting. However... In the words of the late, great Sir Billy Joel.
Jess: Billy Joel is definitely alive. And he's definitely not a knight.
Schmidt: "The good, they do die young."

Quote from Coach

Jess: Coach, do you always wear a stopwatch? Like always?
Coach: You familiar with Rollergirl's relationship to her skates in Boogie Nights?
Nick: Yes.
Coach: Well, I'm not, because I don't watch movies, I time them.
[flashback:]
Jess: They're pornographers, but they're also a family.
Coach: 155:30 official running time, my round ass!

Quote from Cece

Jess: Oh, my God. I honestly don't know what to do. I have so little time.
Cece: Hey.
Jess: Cece! Have you ever questioned your entire career?
Cece: Duh, I'm a 31 year old model. My last job was for a phone sex ad, and I was the one calling.

Quote from Cece

Cece: I will take a big old glass of booze-water. Got an antacid commercial tomorrow and I'm playing day-old curry.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: [v.o.] Obviously I was far too fat to work in marketing. So I got a job any dumb slob could do.
[flashback to Nick lounging about as Schmidt carries two newly-cut Christmas trees:]
Nick: Relax, man, it's your first day.
Schmidt: [v.o.] For a Jewish giant, I had a surprising knack for selling Christmas trees. Not only did my wide center of gravity make me freakishly strong, but I could also sell like the wind. Because I understood one fundamental truth. When you're buying Christmas trees you're really buying sex.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Guys, don't be mean. So Nick doesn't have a traditional career. I mean...
Nick: Or is it the most traditional? Maybe I'm thinking about prostitution.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: You know, if I may be so bold-
Schmidt: Oh, Nick, please. Winston, have a seat.
Nick: I was literally about to give advice.
Schmidt: She already heard one cautionary tale tonight, she does not need to hear another. What she needs to hear is my story. A story of hard choices. A story of paths taken. A story that I like to call, "Kablamo McYeah, Bro!"
Nick: Ah, you stupid bast-
Schmidt: The title has nothing to do with the story, but you need a hook.

Quote from Jess

Winston: To a nice quiet evening.
Schmidt: Tranquil.
Nick: This moment is so chill and absent of drama, I want to call it "Tim Duncan."
Jess: I have 21 minutes to make a life-changing decision and you beautiful sons-a-bitches are gonna help me! [downs two shots]
Winston: Whoa.
Jess: Yeah!
Nick: That is $45 worth of Scotch right there.
Jess: It tastes disgusting. I don't like it. [downs third shot]

Quote from Jess

Jess: And she keeps pushing me for an answer, and I keep putting her off. I say, "Thank you very much. I'm very flattered, but I already have a job. Me teacher." That's a grammar joke. You get it.

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