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‘Clavado En Un Bar’ Quotes

New Girl: Clavado En Un Bar

311. Clavado En Un Bar

Aired January 7, 2014

When Jess considers leaving teaching and taking another job, the gang reminisce about their careers.

Quote from Winston

Winston: And that's when I decided to stop playing the game of basketball. Jess, walk away the moment you stop loving it. I mean, that's what I did.
Jess: That's the thing, you didn't walk away.
Coach: You decided nothing. That story contains zero decisions.
Winston: Look, I decided to stop playing the game of basketball when my doctor told me I had to stop. Okay, okay, all right, I it was my decision to start to play the game of basket.
Jess: You were handed a basketball six seconds after you were born.
Winston: Damn, do I even like basketball? I mean, goodness, have I ever made any decisions my whole life? Are we all just living inside the mind of a giant?

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Quote from Schmidt

[flashback:]
Schmidt: Have you always been short? I've always been fat. But who cares how God made you? Don't let him put you in a skin box. At the end of the day, I'm just a fat guy standing here in front of a short guy telling him that I think we found his tree.
[present:]
Schmidt: It wasn't long before I caught the attention of Old Man McCue, Christmas tree king of Syracuse, inventor of triple netting. However... In the words of the late, great Sir Billy Joel.
Jess: Billy Joel is definitely alive. And he's definitely not a knight.
Schmidt: "The good, they do die young."

Quote from Coach

Jess: Coach, do you always wear a stopwatch? Like always?
Coach: You familiar with Rollergirl's relationship to her skates in Boogie Nights?
Nick: Yes.
Coach: Well, I'm not, because I don't watch movies, I time them.
[flashback:]
Jess: They're pornographers, but they're also a family.
Coach: 155:30 official running time, my round ass!

Quote from Cece

Jess: Oh, my God. I honestly don't know what to do. I have so little time.
Cece: Hey.
Jess: Cece! Have you ever questioned your entire career?
Cece: Duh, I'm a 31 year old model. My last job was for a phone sex ad, and I was the one calling.

Quote from Cece

Cece: I will take a big old glass of booze-water. Got an antacid commercial tomorrow and I'm playing day-old curry.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Guys, don't be mean. So Nick doesn't have a traditional career. I mean...
Nick: Or is it the most traditional? Maybe I'm thinking about prostitution.

Quote from Schmidt

[flashback:]
Schmidt: Where's a guy have to volunteer to get a girl like that, huh?
Slick: I don't volunteer. I'm a man. I have a job in marketing.
Schmidt: Obviously I was far too fat to work in marketing. So I got a job any dumb slob could do.
[flashback to Nick lounging about as Schmidt carries two newly-cut Christmas trees:]
Nick: Relax, man, it's your first day.
Schmidt: [v.o.] For a Jewish giant, I had a surprising knack for selling Christmas trees. Not only did my wide center of gravity make me freakishly strong, but I could also sell like the wind. Because I understood one fundamental truth. When you're buying Christmas trees you're really buying sex.

Quote from Jess

Winston: To a nice quiet evening.
Schmidt: Tranquil.
Nick: This moment is so chill and absent of drama, I want to call it "Tim Duncan."
Jess: I have 21 minutes to make a life-changing decision and you beautiful sons-a-bitches are gonna help me! [downs two shots]
Winston: Whoa.
Jess: Yeah!
Nick: That is $45 worth of Scotch right there.
Jess: It tastes disgusting. I don't like it. [downs third shot]

Quote from Jess

Jess: And she keeps pushing me for an answer, and I keep putting her off. I say, "Thank you very much. I'm very flattered, but I already have a job. Me teacher." That's a grammar joke. You get it.

Quote from Jess

[flashback:]
Dr. Foster: Ms. Day, we have hit a construction hiccup in our renovation, so... everybody's gonna have to be sharing classroom space.
Jess: What? Oh.
Biology Teacher: Hey, do you have a freezer or should I flush these frogs? My check comes either way. Oh, come on. Foster's sticking us with the math kids that use letters instead of numbers?
Jess: Do you mean algebra?
Biology Teacher: I guess. Anyway, it's gonna be a couple of crazy months, huh?
Jess: I'm sorry? Months?
Biology Teacher: Right. Years if the bond issue fails. Which it might, since voters are trending anti-future.
Jess: Anti-future? Who's anti-future?
Biology Teacher: I don't know. The Amish? The dying? Television industry, print media, record industry, railroad industry, karaoke machine owners. You got this? I'm gonna go not smoke pot.

Quote from Coach

Jess: Guys, Candace is calling at 6:00 to find out my final answer!
Nick: Whoa!
Winston: What?
Coach: I'm sorry you're in such a pickle. But I'm not sorry that I get to time something! [pulls out stopwatch] 19 minutes people!
Jess: All right.
Coach: Just to be clear, 19 minutes until 6:00.
Nick: I'm not sure this is helping.
Schmidt: This brings a whole new level of tension to the whole situation.
Winston: Yeah, because you're being timed now. You time a lot of stuff, Coach.
Jess: This is a life-changing decision, that's it.
Coach: 46 seconds.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Guys, as you all know, I am the expert at changing career paths.
Schmidt: Is this something we're now bragging about?
Winston: No, Schmidt, I'm referring to my decision to quit playing the game of basketball. Jess, I will tell you this, it was not easy. It all began back...
[flashback to Winston as a baby in the hospital]
Jess: [v.o.] Come on, Winston move it along.
[present:]
Winston: Okay, Jess, fine, but don't blame me if you get lost in the nooks and crannies of this crazy English muffin we call Winston's life.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: You know, if I may be so bold-
Schmidt: Oh, Nick, please. Winston, have a seat.
Nick: I was literally about to give advice.
Schmidt: She already heard one cautionary tale tonight, she does not need to hear another. What she needs to hear is my story. A story of hard choices. A story of paths taken. A story that I like to call, "Kablamo McYeah, Bro!"
Nick: Ah, you stupid bast-
Schmidt: The title has nothing to do with the story, but you need a hook.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: It all began back-
[flashback to a black newborn being handed a basketball in the hospital]
Jess: Come on, Schmidt!
Schmidt: What? Only one story in the whole wide world can begin in a hospital? I volunteered a lot in college. But I shone brightest as a candy striper.
[flashback to Schmidt handing basketballs to babies in the hospital; v.o.:]
Winston: Sick people wanted me. Dying people wanted to be me. I was the total candy-striping package. And yet I remained invisible to the one whose gaze I desired the most.
Schmidt: Invisible? You were like a 300-pound wall of peppermint bark.
Schmidt: Her badge said "RN" for registered nurse, but as far as I was concerned, it said "NILTH," "Nurse I'd Like To Hug." Not even the baggiest of scrubs could hide her splendid form.

Quote from Winston

Winston: All of my decision's have been made for me. I'm only in sports radio because I played professional basketball. I played professional basketball because somebody put a ball in my crib as a baby. What if somebody gave Baby Winston a flower? Then what would I be?
Nick: Beekeeper!
Coach: Hummingbird farmer.
Nick: Oh, does water shoot out of the flower? If so, you'd be a hilarious comedian.

Quote from Coach

Coach: I think you see what I mean.
Jess: No, I do I really don't.
Coach: My point is don't overthink it, Jess. The call's coming from inside the house.
Jess: What?
Coach: Be who you are. And do what you do.
Jess: What if I don't know who I am? And you know, I'm capable of doing a lot of different things.
Coach: Then you are on your own.

Quote from Jess

Jess: [v.o.] The first day I ever taught. Portland Country Day. Five-team Pacific Northwest squash champions. Go, Rhododendrons!
[flashback:]
Jess: Now, if I was chalk, where would I be? If I were chalk, where would I be? Slip up like that in front of the kids, Day, and they'll eat you alive.

Quote from Cece

Jess: Cece, bring it fast, and bring it hard. You have 53 seconds.
[flashback to Young Jess approaching Young Cece in the school library:]
Young Jess: You okay?
Young Cece: Yes. No. I think I need glasses unless crying makes your eyes not work. I can't read this, but even when I can, I don't understand it.
Young Jess: Crying makes your eyes work better. After I finished Sophie's Choice, I could see in the dark for a week. Here's what I do when I lose mine. [leans in close to the textbook] Ooh, this is interesting. Get in here, we'll learn it together.
Young Cece: But everyone'll laugh at us.
Young Jess: They can drive it or milk it as far as I'm concerned. I don't know what that means. I heard my dad say it.
Young Cece: My dad just died.
Young Jess: Well, if you want to come over, and listen to mine say "They can drive it or milk it" you can. He's also got one about the turds in City Hall.
Young Cece: Thanks. I'm Cece.
Young Jess: Jess.
[present:]
Cece: I was your first student.

Quote from Nick

Nick: You made the right call, Jess. What's wrong?
Jess: I think you're right. I made the right decision.
Nick: Look, I know it's hard, but the hard is what makes it good.
Cece: Um, is that from A League of Their Own.
Jess: A League of Their Own
Nick: Yes, of course. All of my quotes are from a sports movie. You guys don't know them, and so they seem original.
Jess: A League of Their Own is not a sports movie.
Nick: It's a sports movie, first and foremost.
Jess: It's about sisterhood and the war.
Cece: Yeah, absolutely.
Nick: It's about a baseball team grinding it up.

Quote from Nick

Nick: [to Kevin-97] Coming right up. His sister really worries about his drinking, so what I do is I come in early, and I soak a teabag until the water turns brown and looks like booze. I call it tea-water.
Jess: So tea.

Quote from Winston

Winston: I just finally said to myself, "It is time to make your own decisions."
Coach: Right on.
Winston: Yeah.
Jess: If it doesn't work out, I'm sure they'd be happy to have you back.
Winston: They would they would not like to have me back. I burned a lot of bridges today.
Coach: Mmm.
Winston: Uh, stuff got weird. Stuff got racial.
Nick: What?
Winston: I used a lot of swearwords. Then I got sexual...

Quote from Nick

Jess: Sorry I didn't let you finish your story. [Nick hands her a folded up piece of paper] What's this?
Nick: The end of my story.
Jess: No way! You passed the bar exam?
Nick: I wanted to prove to myself that I dropped out of law school because I wanted to be a bartender, not because I couldn't be a lawyer.
Jess: This also says "spaghetti sandwich."
Nick: That's just 'cause it's a great idea. When I have a great idea, I write it down. The point is is I want this. You know, it makes me happy.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I see you're looking at a Douglas fir. It's a beautiful tree. We move a ton of these Dougie firs. Love them. But I feel like you're ready for the spruce lifestyle. Let's spruce this up. Let me put you in a spruce today. What kind of ceilings you dealing with at home? Vaulted? Cathedral? By the way, there's no wrong answer. You look like a confident man, you know that? You deserve a confident tree.


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