Winston: And that's when I decided to stop playing the game of basketball. Jess, walk away the moment you stop loving it. I mean, that's what I did.
Jess: That's the thing, you didn't walk away.
Coach: You decided nothing. That story contains zero decisions.
Winston: Look, I decided to stop playing the game of basketball when my doctor told me I had to stop. Okay, okay, all right, I it was my decision to start to play the game of basket.
Jess: You were handed a basketball six seconds after you were born.
Winston: Damn, do I even like basketball? I mean, goodness, have I ever made any decisions my whole life? Are we all just living inside the mind of a giant?

[flashback:]
Schmidt: Have you always been short? I've always been fat. But who cares how God made you? Don't let him put you in a skin box. At the end of the day, I'm just a fat guy standing here in front of a short guy telling him that I think we found his tree.
[present:]
Schmidt: It wasn't long before I caught the attention of Old Man McCue, Christmas tree king of Syracuse, inventor of triple netting. However... In the words of the late, great Sir Billy Joel.
Jess: Billy Joel is definitely alive. And he's definitely not a knight.
Schmidt: "The good, they do die young."

Jess: Coach, do you always wear a stopwatch? Like always?
Coach: You familiar with Rollergirl's relationship to her skates in Boogie Nights?
Nick: Yes.
Coach: Well, I'm not, because I don't watch movies, I time them.
[flashback:]
Jess: They're pornographers, but they're also a family.
Coach: 155:30 official running time, my round ass!

Jess: Oh, my God. I honestly don't know what to do. I have so little time.
Cece: Hey.
Jess: Cece! Have you ever questioned your entire career?
Cece: Duh, I'm a 31 year old model. My last job was for a phone sex ad, and I was the one calling.

Cece: I will take a big old glass of booze-water. Got an antacid commercial tomorrow and I'm playing day-old curry.

Schmidt: [v.o.] Obviously I was far too fat to work in marketing. So I got a job any dumb slob could do.
[flashback to Nick lounging about as Schmidt carries two newly-cut Christmas trees:]
Nick: Relax, man, it's your first day.
Schmidt: [v.o.] For a Jewish giant, I had a surprising knack for selling Christmas trees. Not only did my wide center of gravity make me freakishly strong, but I could also sell like the wind. Because I understood one fundamental truth. When you're buying Christmas trees you're really buying sex.

Jess: Guys, don't be mean. So Nick doesn't have a traditional career. I mean...
Nick: Or is it the most traditional? Maybe I'm thinking about prostitution.

[flashback:]
Dr. Foster: Ms. Day, we have hit a construction hiccup in our renovation, so... everybody's gonna have to be sharing classroom space.
Jess: What? Oh.
Biology Teacher: Hey, do you have a freezer or should I flush these frogs? My check comes either way. Oh, come on. Foster's sticking us with the math kids that use letters instead of numbers?
Jess: Do you mean algebra?
Biology Teacher: I guess. Anyway, it's gonna be a couple of crazy months, huh?
Jess: I'm sorry? Months?
Biology Teacher: Right. Years if the bond issue fails. Which it might, since voters are trending anti-future.
Jess: Anti-future? Who's anti-future?
Biology Teacher: I don't know. The Amish? The dying? Television industry, print media, record industry, railroad industry, karaoke machine owners. You got this? I'm gonna go not smoke pot.

Nick: You know, if I may be so bold-
Schmidt: Oh, Nick, please. Winston, have a seat.
Nick: I was literally about to give advice.
Schmidt: She already heard one cautionary tale tonight, she does not need to hear another. What she needs to hear is my story. A story of hard choices. A story of paths taken. A story that I like to call, "Kablamo McYeah, Bro!"
Nick: Ah, you stupid bast-
Schmidt: The title has nothing to do with the story, but you need a hook.

Winston: To a nice quiet evening.
Schmidt: Tranquil.
Nick: This moment is so chill and absent of drama, I want to call it "Tim Duncan."
Jess: I have 21 minutes to make a life-changing decision and you beautiful sons-a-bitches are gonna help me! [downs two shots]
Winston: Whoa.
Jess: Yeah!
Nick: That is $45 worth of Scotch right there.
Jess: It tastes disgusting. I don't like it. [downs third shot]