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‘Chicago’ Quotes

New Girl: Chicago

220. Chicago

Aired March 26, 2013

After Nick's father dies, the gang travel to Chicago for the funeral.

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: Hey, look, we're not mourning, okay? This is a celebration, you know? That's what funerals are about...
Schmidt: Winston, I just can't go to the funeral, okay? I don't want to go!
Winston: What the hell is the problem?
Schmidt: Look, I really want to support Nick. I do. I want to support his family. I want to be there for him, but... I'm scared of death.
Winston: Uh... wow. Uh... Schmidt, you know, death is natural, you know? It's a natural part of life. Everybody's scared of death.
Schmidt: Death, Winston. [whispering] Death. Death. And let me ask you something, Winston. What's with this open casket thing? All of a sudden, I-I got to walk in and I got to see the carcass? That's crazy. What if... what if his eyes open? What if his eyes open, and then he comes and haunts all of us? Why do... Why... Literally, why are the buttons on here? Because they're not holding anything together, yet I don't know which buttons are buttoned. How do you get this thing off, Winston?! I don't understand this middle-class button system! Get it off of me! [panting] So I don't think I'm gonna go to the funeral, man. I think I'm gonna hang back.

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Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: What are you guys talking about?
Jess: Schmidt, if you want to hear what we're saying, come over here.
Winston: Don't shout across the room.
Schmidt: It's bad luck to see the body before the funeral.
Jess: No, that's, like, a wedding thing, Schmidt.

Quote from Jess

Bonnie: I want to thank you for coming, but it's, uh, over now, so...
Jess: [as Elvis] Stop the funeral! Everybody sit down. This is the King.
Bonnie: What the hell?
Jess: I think you mean... "What the heaven?" Mama.
Aunt Ruthie: It's Elvis.
Jess: [sings] As the snow flies On a cold and gray Chicago morn
Bonnie: What is this?
Jess: A poor little baby child Was born In the ghetto In the ghetto And his mama cried Cause if there's one thing that she don't need It's another hungry mouth to feed In the ghetto In the ghetto
Winston: You know, this is every day in North Korea.
Jess: Down in Chi-town In the ghetto In the ghetto.

Quote from Jess

Jess: [sings] Ooh, hoo, hoo I feel my temperature rising Burning, burning Must be 109 Cause your Kisses light my fire And the sweet sound of the choir And you light my morning sky Of burning love Ooh, I'm just a hunk, a hunk of burning love Ooh, I'm just a hunk, a hunk Of burning love, ooh. [talking] Pallbearers, please come down.

Quote from Nick

Nick: [on the phone] $2,000? What if it wasn't six feet under? How much for three feet?

Quote from Nick

Jess: How much have you had to drink?
Nick: One dozen beers. And I wrote... I did what you asked me to do, Jessica. I wrote the, uh, gigleography.
Jess: The what?
Nick: The gigleography.
Jess: A "gigleography"?
Nick: Urology.
Jess: Elegy?
Nick: Eulogish.
Jess: You wrote the eulogy.
Nick: That's what I've been saying the whole time ... it's right here.
Winston: "Walt Miller. Am I right?"
Nick: Am I right? Am I right?
Schmidt: That's terrible.
Nick: Googaliogy!

Quote from Jess

Jess: Guess what! I got balloons. From a guy in a van. I love this neighborhood. I just love it.
Winston: Oh, what does that...? "Me so horny." Very good. "No credit, no problem!" And "Happy 100th, Jane!"
Jess: I don't think she made it, but she lived a good life.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: [sighs]
Nick: You okay, Schmidt?
Schmidt: I didn't want to make this about me, but... the airline lost my bag. I wanted to look fantastic for your father's funeral. Now I have nothing but the schmatta on my back.

Quote from Nick

Bonnie: Nicky!
Nick: Hey, Ma.
Bonnie: Oh. Oh. I miss him, Nicky.
Nick: Yeah, I know, Ma.
Bonnie: That bastard was a saint. A saint. The bastard.
Nick: I know. Come here. Hey.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Is there anything I could do to help?
Nick: The eulogy.
Jess: Sorry?
Nick: Oh, that would be really helpful 'cause that's been getting in my way a little bit.
Jess: I didn't really know your dad except... the one hour that I committed fraud with him.
Nick: That's all there is to know, really.

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: Looking good, man. This was Walt's best suit.
Schmidt: Look at all these buttons, Winston. I look like a remote control.
Winston: It looks good.
Schmidt: I can't mourn in this. I don't even know how to use these buttons.

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: Now, this would be the casket. [sighs] And now I'm dead. So approach me and don't be afraid.
Schmidt: Just promise not to move, all right? That's what I'm afraid of most.
Winston: Are you k... are you kidding me?
Schmidt: Also, you can't breathe.
Winston: Schmidt, I need to breathe, okay? Because I'm coaching you, and also for regular life reasons. Now, just calm down, find a joyful memory and let it lift you to the sky.
Schmidt: [exhales] [sighs] You left us too soon, you beautiful black butterfly.
Winston: Start over.
Schmidt: You know, when we first met, I thought that we would be rivals. For Nick's attention, for who wore Easter colors best. And then rivalry became friendship. [kisses Winston's forehead] We've laughed, we've swum. You cut my toenails. Are you the brother that I never had? No. You're the brother that I've always had.
Winston: That was beautiful.
Schmidt: [shouts] What are you doing, man?! You moved! Whoa! What the hell?
Winston: Of course I moved! I'm not a real dead person!
Schmidt: You ghoul!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hey, hey, quit it, man. Don't do that.
Bobby: Hey, beat it, Cali.
Schmidt: Long Island, son.

Quote from Nick

Bonnie: I'm gonna hit her.
Nick: Mom, please. Dad would've liked this. He would've faked a slip and fall and sued the funeral home. [laughter] But he would've liked this. Thank you, Jess.
Jess: [as Elvis] You're welcome, Mama.
Nick: Oh... [sighs] I used to always tell my dad that I hated Elvis just to piss him off. And he would get really mad the way Walt could get really mad. And, uh, he would turn it up loud just to spite me and sing all the Elvis songs. He was very good at gambling. [chuckles] He had a great mustache.
Winston: [sobs]
Schmidt: Hey, man.
Winston: What?
Nick: And he was so mean to cabbies in such a cool way. And he never was scared. [sniffles] How did he do that? [sighs] I don't know if Walt was... a good guy or a bad guy in the whole scheme of things, you know. But he was my dad, and I'm sure gonna miss him.


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