Jess: Hey, Nick. Paul told me he loved me. Hmm. And I couldn't say it back, so I, um, said "Thank you," which was horrible. I don't know what to do because I am always the one who loves more. That's my thing. One time I went on a date and by 11:00 p.m., I gave the guy my ATM code.
Nick: What is your ATM code?
Jess: 42... Very funny. Very good try, but no.
Nick: Not a try... I got it. If you don't have feelings for Paul, you got to tell him.
Jess: I can't do that to someone on Christmas. And then it's New Year's. Then it's going to be Valentine's Day and then, whoa, it's Presidents' Day.
Nick: Hard to argue with that logic, but just tell him.

Schmidt: I hate Christmas. First of all, it means that Hanukkah is over. Second of all, I hate it when you guys leave and go home. When are you leaving?
Winston: Tomorrow at 3:00 p.m.
Nick: I think 4:00 a.m. Is that it? Schmidt, don't worry about it, man, we're all gonna hang out tonight at your office party. Please tell me you're not dressing up like Santa this year, are you?
Schmidt: I'm the only man in the office. Of course I'm gonna dress up like Santa. Look, I like it. I get all this dirt on my coworkers. They get drunk and they whisper what they want for Christmas in my ear, and then I use that information to subtly undermine them and control them for the rest of the year.
Winston: Ah, the true spirit of Christmas.
Schmidt: Winston, you'd better watch it, man, because I will take you down.
Winston: You want to go? You want to go?
Schmidt: You're gonna take me down? I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy. Let's do this.

Nick: So why can't you figure out what to get your boyfriend Paul?
Jess: I don't know. Maybe 'cause we've only been going out for, like, a month, so I know it's not something fancy. But do I get him a gag gift or do I get him something sweet? I don't know.
Nick: Well, I think you got to figure out what you feel about him and then get a gift that reflects it. I think that's kind of the move.
Jess: My initial thought was to get him a gift certificate for piping hot sex.
Nick: Really... Oh, you're being serious?
Jess: But I don't want him to think that I'm using him for his body.
Nick: I'm sure he'd be okay with that.

Winston: Why do we have to go to this office party tonight?
Schmidt: Because it's the last night before you guys go home to your families, and we got to blow this thing out, man. Plus, it'll be a good opportunity for you to do some networking. Help with the job search. I'm telling you, everybody's hitting the nog, having a good time, letting loose. You swoop in there, and then boom... new job, man. That's how things work. You know, Benjamins in your pocket, La Pen-si-own, little four-to-the-oh-to-the-one-to-the-kay.
Winston: You're making me want to stay broke.

Schmidt: Hey, hi. You look awesome.
Cece: It's a before and after for a Bolivian diet pill.
Schmidt: El Glatrax? Yeah, I've taken that.
Woman: I'm "before."
Schmidt: Su-Sure, you are, look at that.
Cece: So you said you wanted to see me for something?
Schmidt: Yes, I brought you a gift. I hope you appreciate that I have kept eye contact with you this whole time and made no reference to the fact that you are basically naked.
Cece: Very proud of you, Schmidt.

Winston: Who wants to sit at a desk all day? Not me... I don't want to have to do that. I don't want to call Wednesday "hump day." I don't even know how to network. So what's your deal, man? Why are you sitting here by yourself?
Boy: Mommy won't let me sit in Santa's lap.
Winston: You have a smart mommy.

Kim: What are you doing, Santa?
Schmidt: I have a really bad case of Santa lap. The entire marketing department is wearing wool. It's not good down there.
Kim: Well, get back to work soon.

Paul: Please just tell me what she said.
Nick: She said the sex is really great, but she just doesn't want to jump into anything. Why am I talking about this?
Paul: Oh, my God, the sex is great, it's amazing. Great. We had amazing sex this morning, and then we ate Taro chips.

Schmidt: Kim, I'm not a sex object, all right? I'm your employee. And I work harder than anyone. I'm the first one to show up every morning.
Kim: No, you're not.
Schmidt: There's never a parking space.
Kim: That's because everyone's already here, Schmidt.

Schmidt: You need to take me seriously, Kim.
Kim: Does that mean no more... Sexy Easter Bunny?
Schmidt: No Sexy Easter Bunny.
Kim: What about, uh, Cinco de Sexy?
Schmidt: No Cinco de Sexy.
Kim: And no Sexy Martin Luther King?
Schmidt: I could never get the voice, I never really felt like I had the authority...