Jess: So... that was crazy what happened with my friends, right?
Sarah: I liked it. Your life's like Gossip Girl, only everyone is old and poor.
Jess: You know, there actually was a show like that. It was called Golden Girls. I'm Betty White, Schmidt's Rue McClanahan...

Jess: But you're using birth control, right?
Cece: Yeah, of course. It's just that Schmidt gets so athletic that birth control becomes like one of those plastic barbecue covers in a hurricane.
Jess: I didn't want to know that.

Schmidt: I've been doing some thinking, and I think it's time that I take you on a real date.
Cece: You're asking me out on a date?
Schmidt: Yeah, it'll be our first real date. Now, Italy on Ice is a celebration of all things Italian featuring ice dancing's biggest and brightest Italian stars. Drea de Matteo is scheduled to appear, but, you know, they're not liable if she doesn't.

Nick: 18 years old. She was 18 years old.
Schmidt: She doesn't even know what Netscape is. Thinks of Ice Cube as mainly an actor.

Schmidt: Ladies, ladies, what is all the screaming about? Oh, my... Jess, have you finally agreed to be our third? Because, you know, we've discussed this.
Cece: We have never talked about that, Schmidt.
Jess: What? Schmidt, this is not the time. Schmidt, we were just thinking about what you might have been like as a baby.
Schmidt: Oh, I was the bomb diggity as a baby. I mean, I was, I was, like, break-dancing at eight months old. But they say that I needed a magnum size diaper.

Nick: You got Cece pregnant?
Schmidt: We used protection. I don't know how this happened.
Nick: Think she did it on purpose?
Schmidt: An Indian-Jewish baby... who wouldn't want that? Think about the bone structure.

Nick: [answers phone] You've got Nick.
Schmidt: Hey, Nick-ole.
Nick: What's going on, Schmidt?
Schmidt: What it be, girl? What you got going on, ma? It's the freakin' weekend.
Nick: Did you just call me "girl"?
Schmidt: Are you wearing something sexy?
Nick: Just, you know, button-down and jeans like always.
Schmidt: Oh, you got jeans on, baby, are they tight?
Nick: Hmm, they're a little loose; I buy 'em big.
Schmidt: Oh, them jeans sound sexy.
Nick: Everything all right? You want to hang out more, Schmidt?
Schmidt: You taking care of that tushy... taking care of that tushy for me?
Nick: I'm not doing, like, squats or anything. I'm trying to eat less doughnuts.
Schmidt: You still keeping it tight?
Cece: You're an idiot.

Schmidt: Cece, are you crying?
Cece: No. No. (sniffles) No. I-I... I just... I don't... I don't know.
Schmidt: You're an amazing woman, and you're going to do and be so many things in this life. Maybe you'll be a mom, and maybe... maybe not. But I will support you no matter what.
Cece: Thank you.
Schmidt: I also just want to give you a quick heads up. I'm probably going to be going on the internet before we have sex again, because I-I just... I don't want to impregnate the baby, you know? I mean, we could have a Russian nesting doll situation on our hands.

Nick: I never knew Italy was so much more than pizza, Schmidty. It's so much more. [cut] She's okay. You're awesome! [cut] The reenactment of Pompeii really stays with you. What a move! Two shows a day. Two shows a day! How do they do it? [cut] Hey, if you're play a gondolier, you better skate like a gondolier. [cut] You know, Schmidty? Here's this idea. We should buy skaters. [confetti] Yeah! Do something weird, Mussolini. We love you.

Jess: Okay, the pregnancy test doesn't work until after six days, so just get through the weekend and don't tell Schmidt until you're sure.
Cece: Yeah, no, of course not, of course. It's just... I can't stop thinking about what a Schmidt baby would be like.
Jess: Just, I mean, I, I don't know.
Cece: Would it just want to nurse 24 hours a day?
Jess: Probably. We could make it, like, a douche baby jar.
Cece: [gasps] Oh, my God.