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‘Kids’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

New Girl: Kids

121. Kids

Aired April 17, 2012

Cece confides in Jess that she might be pregnant. Meanwhile, Jess babysits Russell's daughter.

Quote from Jess

Jess: So... that was crazy what happened with my friends, right?
Sarah: I liked it. Your life's like Gossip Girl, only everyone is old and poor.
Jess: You know, there actually was a show like that. It was called Golden Girls. I'm Betty White, Schmidt's Rue McClanahan...

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Quote from Cece

Jess: But you're using birth control, right?
Cece: Yeah, of course. It's just that Schmidt gets so athletic that birth control becomes like one of those plastic barbecue covers in a hurricane.
Jess: I didn't want to know that.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I've been doing some thinking, and I think it's time that I take you on a real date.
Cece: You're asking me out on a date?
Schmidt: Yeah, it'll be our first real date. Now, Italy on Ice is a celebration of all things Italian featuring ice dancing's biggest and brightest Italian stars. Drea de Matteo is scheduled to appear, but, you know, they're not liable if she doesn't.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Ladies, ladies, what is all the screaming about? Oh, my... Jess, have you finally agreed to be our third? Because, you know, we've discussed this.
Cece: We have never talked about that, Schmidt.
Jess: What? Schmidt, this is not the time. Schmidt, we were just thinking about what you might have been like as a baby.
Schmidt: Oh, I was the bomb diggity as a baby. I mean, I was, I was, like, break-dancing at eight months old. But they say that I needed a magnum size diaper.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: You got Cece pregnant?
Schmidt: We used protection. I don't know how this happened.
Nick: Think she did it on purpose?
Schmidt: An Indian-Jewish baby... who wouldn't want that? Think about the bone structure.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: 18 years old. She was 18 years old.
Schmidt: She doesn't even know what Netscape is. Thinks of Ice Cube as mainly an actor.

Quote from Cece

Jess: Okay, the pregnancy test doesn't work until after six days, so just get through the weekend and don't tell Schmidt until you're sure.
Cece: Yeah, no, of course not, of course. It's just... I can't stop thinking about what a Schmidt baby would be like.
Jess: Just, I mean, I, I don't know.
Cece: Would it just want to nurse 24 hours a day?
Jess: Probably. We could make it, like, a douche baby jar.
Cece: [gasps] Oh, my God.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Hey, guys, um, listen up. Uh, Sarah is going to be here in a few minutes, so best behavior.
Nick: Who's Sarah?
Jess: Russell's daughter, so no F-bombs, P-bombs. Actually, no "B" through "S" bombs, no bombs. And no bringing home college girls, Berlusconi.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Cece's acting really weird. Do you think she's getting tired of me? I mean, look, it's been, like, months of non-stop sex. I mean, what can I do if she doesn't let me hit the fifth chakra?
Winston: I'm not listening to you.
Schmidt: I'm just, I'm just saying, look, do you think she wants something more than sex? Do you think she's finally becoming a girl? 'Cause I can't handle that, man.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Um, hey, I know having your teacher dating your dad is weird, um, but I just want you to know that, um, you can ask me anything.
Sarah: Really?
Jess: Yeah, anything.
Sarah: Are you in love with my dad?
Jess: Hmm... oh...
Sarah: Do you and my dad ever dry-lump?
Jess: G... uh...
Sarah: Is sexting cool?
Jess: What? No, it's not cool.
Sarah: Have you done a 99?
Jess: I think that's a tax form.
Sarah: Have you ever given anyone plow jobs?
Jess: I don't know.
Sarah: How do you make love to a person animal-style?
Jess: Do you want to learn how to play bridge?

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: [answers phone] You've got Nick.
Schmidt: Hey, Nick-ole.
Nick: What's going on, Schmidt?
Schmidt: What it be, girl? What you got going on, ma? It's the freakin' weekend.
Nick: Did you just call me "girl"?
Schmidt: Are you wearing something sexy?
Nick: Just, you know, button-down and jeans like always.
Schmidt: Oh, you got jeans on, baby, are they tight?
Nick: Hmm, they're a little loose; I buy 'em big.
Schmidt: Oh, them jeans sound sexy.
Nick: Everything all right? You want to hang out more, Schmidt?
Schmidt: You taking care of that tushy... taking care of that tushy for me?
Nick: I'm not doing, like, squats or anything. I'm trying to eat less doughnuts.
Schmidt: You still keeping it tight?
Cece: You're an idiot.

Quote from Cece

Cece: Sarah? Hey, Sarah. Um, look, you should definitely not be having sex right now at this age, but when you do, just make sure you always use protection because, even if he says it's tantric and you're Indian and you know better, you're just going to end up pregnant anyways.
Schmidt: What? Cece, are you pregnant?
Sarah: [o.s.] Whoa!

Quote from Jess

Sarah: Don't you think Nick is hot?
Jess: Nick? Um... yeah, in a rumpled, small-town P.I. kind of way.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Cece, are you crying?
Cece: No. No. (sniffles) No. I-I... I just... I don't... I don't know.
Schmidt: You're an amazing woman, and you're going to do and be so many things in this life. Maybe you'll be a mom, and maybe... maybe not. But I will support you no matter what.
Cece: Thank you.
Schmidt: I also just want to give you a quick heads up. I'm probably going to be going on the internet before we have sex again, because I-I just... I don't want to impregnate the baby, you know? I mean, we could have a Russian nesting doll situation on our hands.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: If you're a boy, I'm gonna... I'm gonna name you Mordecai, or Abraham, Menachem Menandel, Schmerson.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I never knew Italy was so much more than pizza, Schmidty. It's so much more. [cut] She's okay. You're awesome! [cut] The reenactment of Pompeii really stays with you. What a move! Two shows a day. Two shows a day! How do they do it? [cut] Hey, if you're play a gondolier, you better skate like a gondolier. [cut] You know, Schmidty? Here's this idea. We should buy skaters. [confetti] Yeah! Do something weird, Mussolini. We love you.

Quote from Winston

Nick: All right, what's with the suit? And if you say swing dancing, I'm gonna slap your face.
Winston: Well, my boss is going to be on TV today... Michael Strahan's new talk show On the Strahan Narrow.
Nick: Great show.
Winston: He's got too many DUls to drive himself, so I guess I got to take him.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Hey, that's not fair. The girl I've been hanging out with is totally mature and interesting.
Jess: Please put on some pants. Everything you say sounds really creepy when you're not wearing pants.
Nick: Your hair looks nice.
Both: Ugh.
Nick: Mmm, this coffee is smoldering.
Winston: So creepy.

Quote from Jess

Ouli: I can be here in under five minutes if I need to be. Honestly I wouldn't have agreed to this, except my husband is out of town, and you're Sarah's favorite teacher and my husband's favorite teacher.
Jess: [chuckles] Um, hey, um, I hope this doesn't sound rude, but, um, you keep saying "husband" and I just want to make sure you and Russell... you're not still married?
Ouli: [laughing] Oh... no, no. [both laughing]
Jess: 'Cause I just, like, wanted to make sure there wasn't some very important piece of information that I totally missed.
Ouli: No, I mean, but he'll always be my husband, if you know what I mean.
Jess: Yeah. Actually, could you explain what you mean very clearly?

Quote from Nick

Nick: And you guys are wrong about Chloe. Okay, Chloe is smart and she's mature and she knows about art and famous artists like Banksy and the guy who did the Obama poster and, you know, like, Chalk Outline Guy.
Sarah: [giggles] That's stupid. Your eyes are so brown. They look like poop.
Nick: Be honest with me... do my eyes look like poo?
Schmidt: There's a bit of a, a poopy-ish hue.
Jess: Old poo eyes.

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