‘Mario’
Season 7, Episode 6 - Aired May 8, 2018
As Nick plans to finally pop the question, Jess is excited to adopt a dog. Schmidt and Cece plan to get some couple's time away from Ruth. Meanwhile, Winston tries out glasses which allow him to see color for the first time.
Quote from Cece
Schmidt: How can I survive another nine months of pregnant Cece? She was so mean to me.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: I got your wings, my love.
Cece: I wanted all flats, no drumlets! Do they look flat to you?! [muffled grunting] Do they look flat to you?!
[present:]
Schmidt: She tried to jam the business end of a drumlet straight up my tuchus. And then things got worse. I can only describe what I experienced next as... anti-Semitic.
[flashback:]
Cece: Hey, gefilte face! Quit playing "Where's My Foreskin?" and get in here and rub my feet before I divorce your Yentl-loving, Ashkenazi ass!
Quote from Cece
Cece: Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I was a little bit moody while I was creating life with my body. Aly, can you believe this?
Aly: Well...
Cece: Well?
Aly: Okay, d-don't be mad, but I have never, ever seen anyone be pregnant the way that you were pregnant. So much so that, for evidence, I decided to capture it on my phone.
Cece: [on phone video] What genius got us a Jolly Jumper? Who got us the Jol... Okay, Vandana Auntie, way to go. You see, we already have a Jolly Jumper. So put the tuna salad down. Put it down! Tuna salad is for people who use the registry. Boo! Everybody boo. Why are you not booing?!
Quote from Cece
Schmidt: Even after seeing all those videos, I still want to have another baby with you more than anything else in the whole wide world.
Cece: Me, too, more than anything. Things are gonna be so different this time.
Schmidt: I'm gonna give you so much space.
Cece: I'm gonna be so pro-Semitic, that little beanie you wear on the top of your head is gonna spin.
Schmidt: Feels like a rough start, but I appreciate the effort. Let's go to the hotel.
Quote from Winston
Aly: I got you some stuff.
Winston: Oh, my gosh, you didn't... Will you look at this? Puzzles, a book on subway graffiti. Candy? Mm-hmm. Wait a minute. Baby, candy is different colors?
Aly: That's what I've been trying to tell to you. Everything is different colors.
Winston: Well, I'll see you on the other side. [gasps] [laughs] Oh, my God. Baby. Mm. Nobody told me fruit was different colors!
Aly: I thought you knew.
Winston: I didn't know about fruit, baby!
Quote from Nick
Jess: So in your vision of the future, we break up, you get to take Mario, and I'm left alone with some poop bags?
Nick: What are poop bags?
Jess: They're the bags that you put the dog's poop in.
Nick: Why would you put dog poo in bags, Jess?
Quote from Winston
Winston: Guys, this has been fun, but... it's time to go start my pre-date regimen. [sings to "Party Rock Anthem"] Body wash is in the house tonight!
Schmidt: Ugh, that jacket! What are you and Aly doing tonight... going to a Sinbad stand-up special?
Winston: I'm gonna go pick up my colorblind glasses from USC. I'm a part of a study. Now, these glasses allow a colorblind person to see color. If they don't work, I get $25. If they do work, they're gonna take a bunch of my bone marrow.
Quote from Cece
Cece: Sx date! We are having sex tonight out of our daughter's earshot.
Aly: Okay.
Jess: Tell me, in the realm of Cece and Schmidt sex-capades, like, how far out are you going? Are you, like, crossing state lines or...?
Cece: No. Tonight, we are actually gonna keep it simple.
[meanwhile, at the bar:]
Schmidt: I have made extremely elaborate plans. I've lined up a babysitter, booked a hotel room, commissioned a new negligee, custom-made by a Japanese man that I found on EtsyXXX. I can't wait for Cece to see me in it.
Winston: What?
[cut back:]
Cece: I think that he bought me some sort of Japanese negligee. [laughter] I know. I found it, like, hidden in the back of the closet. I'm gonna need a team of people to get me into that.
Quote from Nick
Nick: Everything changes tonight. I'm asking Jess to marry me.
Winston: Wow. [whoops] Ha!
Nick: Tonight.
Schmidt: Well, it's about time. You've been talking about this for a month.
Nick: I don't need this from you. I get it enough from Jess's dad. Bob called me nine times today to tell me that his blessing expires at midnight. [Winston whistles] He said if I miss the deadline, my buttocks are gravy. Guy's got some weird expressions.
Quote from Nick
Schmidt: Why would you wait till the last minute for something like this?
Nick: 'Cause everything has to be perfect; Jess is gonna think about this moment for the rest of our lives. I almost asked her at the park, but a squirrel ran off with our ring. Don't worry, I got the ring back, but let me just say this, the squirrel will never do that again. And then I got us on the kiss cam at Dodger Stadium. That's where I was gonna ask, but once we got on the scoreboard, I just went for the laugh and I kissed the old guy next to me.
Winston: Anything's funny when you put an old man in it. Except for the ground.
Quote from Winston
Winston: And to us going on dates at the same time... [Nick laughs] ...leading to a high probability that we'll all be doing it at the same time.
Nick: I'm not cheersing that, man. Stop.
Schmidt: I think it's nice.
Winston: Yeah, it'll be like one big orgy, but, you know, we're spaced out.
Schmidt: Never mind. I retract my support.