Schmidt: Oh, no. Ruth hasn't been signed out. Um, excuse me. Um, have you seen Ruth? Brown hair, smile that would shake the earth, hates peas?
Girl: A white man broke in today.
Schmidt: A... a white man?! No! Well, what did security do about it?!
Girl: Nothing.
Schmidt: Typical!

Schmidt: I'm excited. I shaved my entire body last night. I feel like I could ride the wind to work.

Jess: Hey, buddy. So, two things. Um, first of all, we're not welcome back in the class. And, second, they're billing you for all ten classes.
Winston: Jess, what if I'm not ready to be a father?
Jess: Winston, that was a fake baby. Real babies' heads don't come off like that.
Winston: Jess, I was in that class and it made me realize that this baby is coming. What happens when I'm in that hospital and I see my son's face for the first time, coming out of Aly's butt?

Winston: All right, everybody, please line up in formation.
Schmidt: Winston, I don't have time for this. It's my first day back at Ass Strat tomorrow. I should be moisturizing and making dreams.

Aly: Mm-mm. This is bad. They are getting closer every minute. You need to fix this right now.
Jess: Okay, Aly, I got this.
Aly: If you don't, when I have the strength to wrap these hands around your tiny little neck, I will do so. [Jess chuckles nervously] And I will smile.

Nick: Hey, now we're both godparents.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: Nick, for the hundredth time, you are not Ruth's godfather.
Nick: Yes, I am, for the hundred and one time... first time.
Cece: First of all, Jews and Hindus do not have godparents. And even if we did, we would not choose you. Ruth is not a fan.
Nick: Ruth doesn't like me?
Schmidt: She sees you more as a dimwitted raccoon.
Nick: Well, my mind is blown. This is a game changer.

Schmidt: Uh, before I move on to the next slide, let me just say thank you for agreeing to stay at home this week while I get back in the saddle at work. Now, you need to pick up Ruth at 2:00 p.m. on the dot. The three pillars of the pickup are gate code, sign out, and lunch, which needs to be a peanut butter sandwich, otherwise, she will shut down and go full armadillo.
Cece: Yeah, I got it. Pick her up, drop her off. How hard can it be?
Schmidt: Well, first of all, you got it backwards. You drop off in the morning, you pick up in the after... I'm sorry. I'm a little stressed out. I know that I said that I would go back to work when Ruth started school, which, look, I'm-I'm excited about. But I've been out of the game for a while, and I've become accustomed to a different type of lifestyle.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Daddy was gonna get into that party no matter what, so I jumped over the hedge.
Ruth: Of course. It was Prince!
Schmidt: You get it.

Schmidt: Look at us, the unbreakable Kim and Schmidt.
Kim: God, I forgot how much I despise you. We're gonna need your thoughts on a new salsa account, so get up to speed.
Schmidt: Oh, I am up to speed on salsa.
Kim: Now heads up, Schmidt, things have changed here. It's not the same office you left. Ass Strat has been taken over by a Tokyo-based conglomerate.
Schmidt: Are the toilets also Japa...
Kim: Yes.
Schmidt: [exhales]

Cece: [as Schmidt] "Cecilia, you're playing your music too loud." What's that, babe? Yeah, you know, I can't hear you out here with...

Nick: [answers phone] Go for Nick.
Cece: Uh, hey, Nick. Where are you?
Nick: I'm at home making a goodie bag for my favorite little girl.
Cece: Um, listen to me. Uh, I actually... [clears throat] I need your... help picking up Ruth from school.
Nick: [laughs] Oh. Isn't this interesting? Last time I checked, you didn't need old Nick Miller's help. Hold a minute while old Nick Miller laughs and says, "Well, well, well."
Cece: Nick. Please. Okay, I...
Nick: [laughing]
Cece: Nick. Listen to me...
Nick: Well, well, well. Looks like you do need old Nicky's help.