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‘Godparents’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

New Girl: Godparents

705. Godparents

Aired May 8, 2018

Winston and Aly decide on a godparent for their child. Meanwhile, Schmidt returns to work, and Jess tracks down Winston's father.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Oh, no. Ruth hasn't been signed out. Um, excuse me. Um, have you seen Ruth? Brown hair, smile that would shake the earth, hates peas?
Girl: A white man broke in today.
Schmidt: A... a white man?! No! Well, what did security do about it?!
Girl: Nothing.
Schmidt: Typical!

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Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I'm excited. I shaved my entire body last night. I feel like I could ride the wind to work.

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: All right, everybody, please line up in formation.
Schmidt: Winston, I don't have time for this. It's my first day back at Ass Strat tomorrow. I should be moisturizing and making dreams.

Quote from Winston

Jess: Hey, buddy. So, two things. Um, first of all, we're not welcome back in the class. And, second, they're billing you for all ten classes.
Winston: Jess, what if I'm not ready to be a father?
Jess: Winston, that was a fake baby. Real babies' heads don't come off like that.
Winston: Jess, I was in that class and it made me realize that this baby is coming. What happens when I'm in that hospital and I see my son's face for the first time, coming out of Aly's butt?

Quote from Aly

Aly: Mm-mm. This is bad. They are getting closer every minute. You need to fix this right now.
Jess: Okay, Aly, I got this.
Aly: If you don't, when I have the strength to wrap these hands around your tiny little neck, I will do so. [Jess chuckles nervously] And I will smile.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Hey, now we're both godparents.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: Nick, for the hundredth time, you are not Ruth's godfather.
Nick: Yes, I am, for the hundred and one time... first time.
Cece: First of all, Jews and Hindus do not have godparents. And even if we did, we would not choose you. Ruth is not a fan.
Nick: Ruth doesn't like me?
Schmidt: She sees you more as a dimwitted raccoon.
Nick: Well, my mind is blown. This is a game changer.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Uh, before I move on to the next slide, let me just say thank you for agreeing to stay at home this week while I get back in the saddle at work. Now, you need to pick up Ruth at 2:00 p.m. on the dot. The three pillars of the pickup are gate code, sign out, and lunch, which needs to be a peanut butter sandwich, otherwise, she will shut down and go full armadillo.
Cece: Yeah, I got it. Pick her up, drop her off. How hard can it be?
Schmidt: Well, first of all, you got it backwards. You drop off in the morning, you pick up in the after... I'm sorry. I'm a little stressed out. I know that I said that I would go back to work when Ruth started school, which, look, I'm-I'm excited about. But I've been out of the game for a while, and I've become accustomed to a different type of lifestyle.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Daddy was gonna get into that party no matter what, so I jumped over the hedge.
Ruth: Of course. It was Prince!
Schmidt: You get it.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Look at us, the unbreakable Kim and Schmidt.
Kim: God, I forgot how much I despise you. We're gonna need your thoughts on a new salsa account, so get up to speed.
Schmidt: Oh, I am up to speed on salsa.
Kim: Now heads up, Schmidt, things have changed here. It's not the same office you left. Ass Strat has been taken over by a Tokyo-based conglomerate.
Schmidt: Are the toilets also Japa...
Kim: Yes.
Schmidt: [exhales]

Quote from Cece

Cece: [as Schmidt] "Cecilia, you're playing your music too loud." What's that, babe? Yeah, you know, I can't hear you out here with...

Quote from Nick

Nick: [answers phone] Go for Nick.
Cece: Uh, hey, Nick. Where are you?
Nick: I'm at home making a goodie bag for my favorite little girl.
Cece: Um, listen to me. Uh, I actually... [clears throat] I need your... help picking up Ruth from school.
Nick: [laughs] Oh. Isn't this interesting? Last time I checked, you didn't need old Nick Miller's help. Hold a minute while old Nick Miller laughs and says, "Well, well, well."
Cece: Nick. Please. Okay, I...
Nick: [laughing]
Cece: Nick. Listen to me...
Nick: Well, well, well. Looks like you do need old Nicky's help.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I actually have to step out for just a second. You know, in preparation for this meeting, I ate an entire jar of salsa, and it is... [whistles] sliding right through me.

Quote from Jess

Winston: No, no, no, no. He just got here. You know, I want to talk about the old days in Chicago.
Van Bishop: Never been there. Garbage city.
Winston: Yeah, it has its bad parts, but, you know, the education system is getting... Wait. You've never been there?
Van Bishop: Never been there.
Jess: You know what? I totally know what he means, because I feel like sometimes I've never been to L.A., and I live here. You know what I mean? Like, ask me where the ocean is. "Uh, to the left?" I don't know. Should we hit the road?
Winston: Jess? What's going on?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Ooh, that's work. I got to go back.
Ruth: What about spa time? I need to zap my frown lines.
Schmidt: Oh. Uh, honey. You know what, honey? We can do pretend Botox on another day, okay?
Ruth: Why?
Schmidt: Because Daddy has to go sell a Mexican product to Americans so that Japanese people can make money.

Quote from Aly

Schmidt: Can you two please tell us why you summoned us here?
Winston: Thank you for coming. It is appreciated, especially since Aly is on bed rest. We brought you here today to choose a godparent.
Jess: Oh, yes! Sorry. I'm sorry. Carry on.
Winston: Now, on my side, we have my entire network of good friends. Friends so close, I consider them family.
Aly: And on my side, we have Leslie.
Leslie: I'm all she's got.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Cece, we didn't choose you either. Reason being is your friendship is too important to ruin by making you our baby's godmother.
Cece: Mm-hmm. Why do I feel like your lips are moving but Aly's doing the talking?
Winston: [whispers] Sorry.

Quote from Nick

Winston: Nick?
Nick: I got a good feeling about this.
Aly: Face the wall.
Nick: Ooh. This ain't over.

Quote from Aly

Winston: Leslie, you may face the wall.
Leslie: Ha-ha-ha! Suck it, bitch!
Jess: Leslie, you lost.
Leslie: [grunts]
Aly: Leslie is confused.
Winston: And now the moment of truth. Jessica Day, will you be our baby's godmother?
Jess: Yes, I will. Why is Leslie still dancing?
Aly: Leslie.

Quote from Jess

Aly: Jess, can you stay back for a moment?
Jess: Yeah. You chose wisely. I will revolutionize being a godparent. Your son will be my Cinderell... o.
Winston: We'll be reviewing your performance weekly. You can be replaced.
Jess: Heavy is the head that holds the crown, but strong are the neck muscles that hold up said head.
Aly: Ooh.
[After Jess leaves, Aly puts a cigarette in her mouth and Winston pulls out a lighter. Jess returns]
Jess: Cigarette! [takes cigarette, snaps it in two]
Aly and Winston: Well done.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Whew! You know what's crazy is you're gonna be a father any day now.
Winston: Yeah, it kind of snuck up on me.
Jess: Yeah, you better get ready, 'cause you're gonna get on the Dad Train soon. [chugging] Dad-dad! [chugging] "No getting off this train." You okay?
Winston: Oh, yeah, I'm good. [chuckles] I'm good.

Quote from Nick

Cece: Oh, my God!
Nick: What, are we having a laundry party?
Cece: What is that?!
Nick: This? It's just a bear I found outside the loft. Yeah, I brought it for my girl Ruth.
Cece: Well, she's at school right now, and I have 15 binders worth of stuff to do that Schmidt has left for me before I go pick her up.
Nick: Oh, that's perfect. I'll just pick her up. I'll pick her up from school.
Cece: I don't need your help picking up my daughter from school. Okay?
Nick: All right, well, would you please tell her that I left this bear for her so she knows it was from me?
Cece: Mm-mm.
Nick: Ugh.
Cece: What?
Nick: There's ants all over its neck.
Cece: What?
Nick: Oh! There's more ants. Every time it gets hit, more ants come out.

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