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‘The Apartment’ Quotes

New Girl: The Apartment

511. The Apartment

Aired March 15, 2016

Jess is looking forward to a fun night with Cece, who is about to leave her apartment and move into the loft, until she learns Cece hasn't started packing yet. Meanwhile, Winston's feelings for Aly prompt him to ask for a new partner.

Quote from Aly

Aly: Screw you. Here's your crap: lucky crystal, key chain fart marker, over a hundred yogurt tops, your flattened penny collection, a signed copy of a Paul Reiser biography, baby carrot thumb drive, a picture of you and Dave Coulier, loose Pez, my mom's cell number, a ticket stub from Urinetown. When did you even see that? [holds novelty glasses] Why? Why?
Winston: Oh, have you... Have you tried 'em on?
Aly: Oh, and your Pure Mood CD. This thing makes me want to swim into a boat motor.

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Quote from Winston

Winston: Oh... new partner's here. Guys, as they say, when one chapter ends, a bridge appears, and then you cross that bridge and make lemonade out of a molehill.
Nick: Okay.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Me neither. I pick up all my deliveries at the port.
Schmidt: The what? At the port?
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: What are you doing at the port?
Nick: Picking up my deliveries. Listen.
Schmidt: You drive all the way down to the port?
Nick: Yes.

Quote from Nick

Nick: It's not a big deal. I've been flashed by, like, seven or eight different people since college.
Schmidt: What?
Nick: You guys have been flashed?
Winston: No.
Schmidt: Never.
Nick: Everybody's been flashed countless times, right?
Winston: No.
Nick: Oh, it's just me who's been flashed about 300 times?
Schmidt: What?
Nick: You guys have never been flashed?
Winston: No.
Schmidt: Never.
Nick: Not even on, like, holidays?
Both: No!
Nick: Not even, like, after the Olympics?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: [answers phone] A voice call, Jess? Let me guess, a family of ducks is crossing the street.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Well, it's not mine. I only buy local. Except, of course, for clothing and produce. Medication, water, seasoning, meat.

Quote from Winston

Winston: [on the phone] New partner is working out great, man. You know, we have a lot in common. Both have cats, both partially blind... me, color, him, night.
Schmidt: Well, that sounds dangerous.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Okay, well, it's too small to be a cat hotel and it's too big to be pants. So it's not mine.

Quote from Cece

Cece: Keep or toss, keep or toss.
Jess: Cece, that sweatshirt has a wine stain on it and an off-brand Looney Tunes character. George Bunny? Who the hell is that?
Cece: You're right. Keep.
Jess: Toss!
Cece: No, keep, keep!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: [on the phone] Winston, listen to me. We have some very serious police business here. The bar has a flasher. A strange man is regularly showing Nick his funky soup bone.

Quote from Cece

Cece: Now, okay, look, that hat has a very important memory.
[flashback:]
Man: Hey. I-I'm sorry I'm so bad at doggy-style.
[present:]
Jess: Do you really want to remember Sir Miss-A-Lot?

Quote from Jess

Jess: I have to finish packing so I can work on the binder! You made me do this! I'm shutting this tiny door!
Cece: Jessica, open the door!
Jess: You're a terrible packer!
Cece: Jessica, open the door!
Jess: Your favorite team is the Green Bay... Not Packers.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Somebody call the G8 Summit because I just felt the climate change.
Nick: I don't get that.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I'm gonna go. He was average size, thin, wispy blond hair. Oddly shaped, kind of came to a point.
Winston: Uh, what does that mean?
Nick: Top heavy. A bit of a scar as if like from a hook or something.
Dunston: Gross. Ugh. Uh, anything else?
Nick: I think that about does it. You want me to describe what his face and body looked like?
Winston: Yeah, that'd be...
Schmidt: Wait. Have you been describing his penis this whole time?
Nick: All right, that's it. I'm done. I'm not even the one that called you guys. Man!
Dunston: And to be fair, I knew he was talking about a penis the whole time. [shows drawing] See?
Schmidt: That is way too real! Aggressively detailed.
Dunston: I had to guess on the testicles, 'cause he hadn't described 'em.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Okay, okay, count of three. Count of three. Who is the cuff guy?
Dunston: Alright.
Both: One, two, three, four. Five, six.
Winston: See? I knew you was going to... Okay, count down. All right;
Both: Three. Two, one, zero, negative one.
Winston: Damn it!

Quote from Jess

Cece: Okay, remember earlier when you told me to leap? You should leap.
Jess: I don't leap. I take small planned steps, like an arthritic dog.
Cece: Really?
[flashback:]
Cece: The last listing is a loft downtown. Bad area. The ad just says it's "sunsoaked and beige-y."
Jess: I don't know. They seem like three nice girls.
[present:]
Cece: And now I am marrying one of those girls and totally freaking out about it.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Do I want to know this story?
Cece: I hope so, because we're about to spend the rest of our lives together. So you're gonna have to hear all my stories.
Schmidt: I want to spend the rest of my life hearing all your stories. Until, of course, my hearing goes out and I get tinnitus. Do you know Dave Letterman has tinnitus?
Cece: Um... About-about what I said on the phone...
Schmidt: I'm a little freaked out, too.
Cece: You are?
Schmidt: Yes. And it has nothing to do with how much I love you.
Cece: Exactly.
Schmidt: Or how much I want to get married.
Cece: Exactly.
Schmidt: We'll be scared together. And we'll be really happy together, too. And we'll be really annoyed together, knowing that we're living with three other people and a cat. Also, I think there's another cat Winston's being very evasive about it, but... [Cece kisses him]
Cece: Mmm. It's a foster cat. I think it's helping him get over the whole Aly thing.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I nursed my pippy back to health here.
Cece: Yeah. I remember.


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