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‘Mars Landing’ Quotes

New Girl: Mars Landing

320. Mars Landing

Aired March 25, 2014

Jess and Nick talk about their future as they struggle to assemble a children's toy. Meanwhile, Schmidt, Winston and Coach meet their new neighbors.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I always thought it would be cool to be a long-haul trucker.
Jess: You want to be a long-haul trucker with a family?
Nick: No, the family would be in Montana. Or-or Mars Landing, you know, if the government finally steps up.
Jess: Where is Mars Landing?
Nick: Where is Mars Landing? It's on M... It's on Mars. It's the American capital of Mars. And if you don't think there's gonna be space travel in the next 20 years, then you've got your head buried in sand, girlie. It's already basically happening.

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Quote from Jess

Jess: I don't even really think about it that much. I just think about, you know, passing things. Just... Nothing specific. We live in a house by a lake.
Nick: That sounds pretty specific.
Jess: We live in a town with a sense of history but not so much history that the locals are suspicious of new people. Two small children who are so incredibly creative they named themselves. We don't need to discipline the kids 'cause they're so afraid of disappointing us. Our house smells like cider. And if there's a horse out back, you're not gonna get any guff from me.

Quote from Nick

Jess: I always thought I'd move back to Portland.
Nick: Oh. Portland, Earth?
Jess: It's like friendly San Francisco. Slow food, fast bicycles, great schools...
Nick: Education is very important to me.
Jess: That makes me happy. It's something we agree on.
Nick: I really want my kids to beg for it.
Jess: What?
Nick: 'Cause if you force a kid into school, he's gonna hate it.
Jess: Oh, no.
Nick: If you make a kid work and sit in the yard and grind and grind and grind...
Jess: What?
Nick: Eventually, that little kid is gonna beg for education. Then you hand it to them like the gift that it should be.
Jess: No!
Nick: That's why public school's a joke.

Quote from Cece

Cece: I sent him a bunch of drunk texts last night.
Schmidt: Oh, dear Lord.
Cece: I know.
Schmidt: "I miss the way that your hands smell"? Did you write an entire Jewel song in here?
Coach: Is it from Pieces of You?
Schmidt: You want to buy a rabbit with him? This isn't a text message, it's a freaking Russian novel.

Quote from Jess

Nick: I got the gift.
Jess: All right. Why is it in the box? It's supposed to be out of the box, assembled.
Nick: I said I would put it together before the party, and it's before the party. So what's the problem? Just give me five minutes. [pieces clatter] Ten minutes, tops.
Jess: But I got this thing. This is it. Christmas morning. Our little guy waiting by the fireplace, but there's no gift. 'Cause Daddy's in the other room putting it together.

Quote from Nick

Jess: I'm so hungover and my body's shutting down and nothing you're saying makes any sense.
Nick: There is something serious I have to tell you about the future. The name of my firstborn child has to be Reginald VelJohnson. I lost a bet to Schmidt.
Jess: Reginald VelJohnson?
Nick: That is non-negotiable. Unfortunately.
Jess: The dad from Family Matters?
Nick: Well, the actor who plays the dad. The dad is Carl Winslow.
Jess: What was the bet on?
Nick: I said I could flip a big pancake [laughing] and I couldn't.
Jess: [muffled] How is this going to work?!
Nick: The only upside is the original name was gonna be Ass Baby, and I kind of talked my way out of that one.

Quote from Nick

Nick: You know what, Jess and if you want to move to Portland in the future, then we're gonna move to Portland. You know, we'll live by the lake. I'll learn to fish, and me and Reginald will start a newsletter, you know "Lake Father, Lake Son."

Quote from Coach

Cece: Hey, you guys, I got a problem. You know that guy that I'm dating?
Schmidt: Buster, your child bride?
Cece: He's 20, okay? Not that it matters.
Winston: Is he smooth all over?
Coach: Does he take baths in the sink?

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Okay, well, you know what, what do I do?
Schmidt: Text him one of the little yellow men. The-the emoticons. You know, with the with the fa... with the faces.
Cece: I hate all of you.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: What are you guys doing out here?
Schmidt: Obviously we're creating an accidental bump-in with our hot new neighbors. Elevator's on the move. You got to go. You're too hot. You'll confuse them. [pretends to be on the phone] Yes, well, of course. It's my garden party, and Zachary Quinto is not on the list.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Here's what I'm saying: Reginald is way too shy to beg for an education. He's very sensitive, and when he's out on the horse, all he's doing is staring at leaves and writing poems about them.
Nick: Why do I have a horse? You know how many people are killed on a horse every year?
Jess: Hey! You're not listening to what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, I'm not gonna take Reginald out on the damn lake when you're out on your space truck.
Nick: We're not living by the lake. Why would I spend my hard-earned truck driver money on an Earth house?

Quote from Nick

Jess: You make up so much science fiction...
Nick: Science.
Jess: ...but you know nothing about science. Do you know what science is?
Nick: Okay, science is more of a belief than anything else.
Jess: No. Do you know what science is?
Nick: Yes. What you believe in.
Jess: Have you ever taken a science class?
Nick: I've taught two at a community college.
Jess: When did you teach science at a community college?
Nick: I made that up. I didn't think you were gonna fact-check me.

Quote from Schmidt

Coach: You see her blink at me?
Schmidt: Wait, you think that was a sex blink? That wasn't a sex blink.
Coach: That was definitely a sex blink, dude.
Schmidt: You would not know a sex blink if it blinked you in the sex.
Coach: What?

Quote from Coach

Schmidt: It's over already, man. You don't have a shot. 'Cause the chicks you pull are gremlins.
Coach: You did not just talk about my chicks. My chicks look great. Just like me. I'm saying my chicks literally look just like me. All of 'em. In varying color, but they look like me.
Schmidt: That is super awkward, and I don't feel like you know what you're saying right now.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Girls, I know you're both smart enough to know exactly who broke your things. It's the same two clowns who've been trying to sex Michelle every which way from Tuesday. I mean, I ain't gonna lie. I've been trying to sex you every which way from Tuesday myself. I'd be crazy not to, Michelle. You're a very beautiful woman. You have crazy witch eyes, and I dig it. You're like a witch! [laughs] You know. But I'm a good guy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a job to do. My name is Winston Bishop. Welcome to the building.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Jess? Jess, you didn't have to run away. I don't know what you're so afraid of. It's just a man doing full downward facing dog in the nude. It's a couple of testicles just hanging upside down. [quiet laugh] I can hear you laughing in there. Yeah, you liked it. You telling Nick about it? What's he saying?


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