Nick: I always thought it would be cool to be a long-haul trucker.
Jess: You want to be a long-haul trucker with a family?
Nick: No, the family would be in Montana. Or-or Mars Landing, you know, if the government finally steps up.
Jess: Where is Mars Landing?
Nick: Where is Mars Landing? It's on M... It's on Mars. It's the American capital of Mars. And if you don't think there's gonna be space travel in the next 20 years, then you've got your head buried in sand, girlie. It's already basically happening.

Jess: I don't even really think about it that much. I just think about, you know, passing things. Just... Nothing specific. We live in a house by a lake.
Nick: That sounds pretty specific.
Jess: We live in a town with a sense of history but not so much history that the locals are suspicious of new people. Two small children who are so incredibly creative they named themselves. We don't need to discipline the kids 'cause they're so afraid of disappointing us. Our house smells like cider. And if there's a horse out back, you're not gonna get any guff from me.

Jess: I always thought I'd move back to Portland.
Nick: Oh. Portland, Earth?
Jess: It's like friendly San Francisco. Slow food, fast bicycles, great schools...
Nick: Education is very important to me.
Jess: That makes me happy. It's something we agree on.
Nick: I really want my kids to beg for it.
Jess: What?
Nick: 'Cause if you force a kid into school, he's gonna hate it.
Jess: Oh, no.
Nick: If you make a kid work and sit in the yard and grind and grind and grind...
Jess: What?
Nick: Eventually, that little kid is gonna beg for education. Then you hand it to them like the gift that it should be.
Jess: No!
Nick: That's why public school's a joke.

Cece: I sent him a bunch of drunk texts last night.
Schmidt: Oh, dear Lord.
Cece: I know.
Schmidt: "I miss the way that your hands smell"? Did you write an entire Jewel song in here?
Coach: Is it from Pieces of You?
Schmidt: You want to buy a rabbit with him? This isn't a text message, it's a freaking Russian novel.

Jess: I'm so hungover and my body's shutting down and nothing you're saying makes any sense.
Nick: There is something serious I have to tell you about the future. The name of my firstborn child has to be Reginald VelJohnson. I lost a bet to Schmidt.
Jess: Reginald VelJohnson?
Nick: That is non-negotiable. Unfortunately.
Jess: The dad from Family Matters?
Nick: Well, the actor who plays the dad. The dad is Carl Winslow.
Jess: What was the bet on?
Nick: I said I could flip a big pancake [laughing] and I couldn't.
Jess: [muffled] How is this going to work?!
Nick: The only upside is the original name was gonna be Ass Baby, and I kind of talked my way out of that one.

Nick: I got the gift.
Jess: All right. Why is it in the box? It's supposed to be out of the box, assembled.
Nick: I said I would put it together before the party, and it's before the party. So what's the problem? Just give me five minutes. [pieces clatter] Ten minutes, tops.
Jess: But I got this thing. This is it. Christmas morning. Our little guy waiting by the fireplace, but there's no gift. 'Cause Daddy's in the other room putting it together.

Nick: You know what, Jess and if you want to move to Portland in the future, then we're gonna move to Portland. You know, we'll live by the lake. I'll learn to fish, and me and Reginald will start a newsletter, you know "Lake Father, Lake Son."

Cece: Hey, you guys, I got a problem. You know that guy that I'm dating?
Schmidt: Buster, your child bride?
Cece: He's 20, okay? Not that it matters.
Winston: Is he smooth all over?
Coach: Does he take baths in the sink?

Cece: Okay, well, you know what, what do I do?
Schmidt: Text him one of the little yellow men. The-the emoticons. You know, with the with the fa... with the faces.
Cece: I hate all of you.

Cece: What are you guys doing out here?
Schmidt: Obviously we're creating an accidental bump-in with our hot new neighbors. Elevator's on the move. You got to go. You're too hot. You'll confuse them. [pretends to be on the phone] Yes, well, of course. It's my garden party, and Zachary Quinto is not on the list.