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‘Big News’ Quotes

New Girl: Big News

321. Big News

Aired April 15, 2014

Jess and Nick decide not to let their break-up ruin Winston's celebrations after he gets into the police academy.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I think I'm handling it well.
Jess: Yeah, you are. You are. You're... You know, you're not drunk, you haven't left me 300 voicemails.
Nick: And you're not crying while watching that movie Ghost.
Jess: Well, it's Dirty Dancing.
Nick: Doesn't Swayze do a dirty dance with that clay?
Jess: That's not Dirty Dancing. It's Ghost. It's a different movie.
Nick: Which one takes place at camp?
Jess: Dirty Dancing.
Nick: Which one's Whoopi in?
Jess: Stop asking me questions about them.

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Quote from Nick

Nick: Look, of course she doesn't know I'm in pain, Tran. I'm hiding it like you're supposed to. But I'm lying to my best friend. You're also my best friend, don't don't start that weird jazz train. I don't know how I'm gonna hold it all together. I can't talk about it with anyone all day. I feel like a pinata, you know, and I'm just gonna pop. What does that mean: "The problem is the solution?" Oh, you mean just focus myself on Winston, and I won't have time to think about Jess. That's really smart, but that's not exactly "the problem is the solution." Do you know what I mean? That's, like, a cool sentence, but it's more just "stay busy," right? Thanks, Tran. [shakes hand] If I'd met you in your prime, during the war, that would have been glorious! But then we would've been enemies and tried to murder one another, unless we formed an alliance. Oh... You and me forming an alliance in an old-school war? That's a fantasy. Or a novel. You just gave me another idea.

Quote from Winston

Nick: Winston? I've been thinking about it, and a banquet is not big enough. You're not retiring from some insurance company. So what do you really want, besides a pinata? Dream big.
Winston: Dream big, he said. Okay. Um... If I had my druthers you know, 100% of my druthers, I... I gotta go Honey Roast.
Coach: The hell is that? And don't say it like it's some thing we know!
Winston: It's a roast, except you say nice things about me. Honey Roast.

Quote from Nick

Nick: "You and Jess broke up." [sighs] Oh, man. "The bed got burned." I thought it was a dream. "It was a not a dream." I'm a little scared to see what's on the other side. "Writing left-handed is HARB."

Quote from Jess

Jess: Hi. Sorry. I was just changing in the closet, like Superman. Are we still allowed to see each other naked?
Nick: Yes.
Jess: Do you think so?
Nick: I don't know.
Jess: Hmm.
Nick: Maybe.
Jess: Ah.
Nick: Definitely not.
Jess: [goofily] "Derfi-niddley nit." [laughs] Boob season's over, for you.

Quote from Winston

Winston: [sings] Bad boys, bad boys What you gonna do What you gonna do when I come for you?
Jess: Hey, you guys, we have, um...
Winston: Big news! I just got into the police academy. [sings] Police naw give me no break Not a solider mona give you no break
Schmidt: You know it.
Coach: He knows it.
Schmidt: Because you are a cop.
Winston: No, my uncle was on Cops a bunch of times. He got no residuals, though. He's poor.

Quote from Joan Day

Jess: [on the phone] I know we did the right thing, I just I feel like really upset, and Nick seems totally okay and I guess I just need someone to tell me it's gonna be fine.
Joan Day: [sobbing] It's not gonna be fine, Jess. I'm never gonna be a grandmother!
Jess: What? Mom, stop crying.
Joan Day: You don't even have to love him, honey. You just have to get that sperm cooking!
Jess: Mom.
Joan Day: I'm sorry, honey, I just... You know, this is where I'm at right now.
Jess: Well, this was really comforting, Mom. [Joan sobbing over phone] It's like I'm in the womb, sucking my thumb.

Quote from Winston

Nick: How do I do it?
Winston: You just get everybody to say a bunch of cute stuff about me. You know, all the, like, funny stuff that makes me sweet, you know?
Nick: Done! What else?
Winston: What? There's- There's more? [laughs] Uh, make me a prominent chair.
Coach: Like a throne?
Winston: Come on. A throne? Who am I, CeeLo? [laughs] No, I just... This is me, I'm still the same person. I'm not gonna change.
Coach: Stop touching me.
Winston: I'm still the same person.
Coach: Stop touching me.
Winston: So make me a prominent chair.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Well, this just in: the dress code for Winston's banquet tonight is is opt is optional. Why would he write "optional" there? That's gotta be a mistake, right?
Cece: And they're gonna give him a gun?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: What are you doing back there?
Cece: Thought it was about time I graduated high school. Mmm.
Schmidt: I'm proud of you.
Cece: That's it? No snide comments?
Schmidt: I've got legions. But I'm gonna be supportive. "Legions" means "a lot."
Cece: I know what "legions" means.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Anyway, I probably won't even take the test. I failed the last five practice exams. So that seems like a bad sign.
Schmidt: Of course you're failing. You're studying here in a rowdy tavern. Chumbawamba's playing, it's not even "Tubthumping." You're writing with what looks to be a golf pencil. Where are your flash cards? Do you not have o-one single flash card? There's maraschino goo everywhere! You don't have a flash card? I'm taking over. You need a tutor. Yes, I'll do it.
Cece: You realize I have a boyfriend, right?
Schmidt: Oh, the hunky Australian boy? Congratulations. Cece, this is about your education. Nothing more.
Cece: Mm. He's actually from Perth, so...
Schmidt: Perth is in Australia, Cece. We'll start with geography.

Quote from Coach

Nick: I just feel like I'm falling apart. Like, my brain feels like spaghetti. And my future feels like a dark hole that I can't stop falling down.
Coach: You can't show her this pain. Or she'll freak out and it'll be over, okay? I wish someone would've told me that when Malia and I broke up.
[flashback:]
Coach: [crying] Malia, I'm in pain and I want you to know! [sobbing] I want to get this pain out of my body! [retching] I haven't seen her since.
[present:]
Coach: I still read her e-mails, though. Every day.
Nick: Every day.
Coach: Every damn day.
Nick: Every day.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Look, that was so sweet of you, Schmidt. Okay? And thank you for believing in me-
Schmidt: Who gives a rat's A?!
Cece: Hmm?
Schmidt: Nick and Jess break up. and you spring this on me like a, like it's a freaking weather report? I am a child of divorce! I'm delicate! Should've graduated the first time around, you buffoon!
Coach: Better keep it together, dude. No one can know you know.

Quote from Jess

Nick: Okay, uh, tonight's Honey Roast, we're gonna keep it sweet, keep it positive, and most of all, we're gonna keep it cute. Am I right, Furguson? [Jess is drinking] Hope that cat's not driving.
Coach: How is a cat costume just lying around?
Cece: She has four of them.
Jess: I'm drinking a "Catbernet." [Nick laughs]
Winston: That's pretty good. That's pretty good.
Jess: A Pinot "meowoir" Meow-oi-rr. If I have one more of these, you're gonna have to point this old kitty in the direction of my litter box because I'm gonna need to find it.
Winston: Mm, let's keep it cute, guys.
Jess: 'Cause I'm gonna have to pee.

Quote from Winston

Nick: Speaking of cute, Winston Bishop is so cute...
All: How cute is he?
Winston: How cute am I?
Nick: Teddy bears buy Winston for their kids.
Winston: That was good. That is exactly how cute I am.
Schmidt: Horrible visual.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Winston is so cute, he once met a Japanese gal named Ariko, and she started wearing him as a backpack! [both laugh]
Winston: Boom! Ooh! I did not see that one coming! Oh, my!
Coach: I didn't expect it either.
Cece: Surprise ending!

Quote from Jess

Winston: Getting a little mean. [laughs] Time to add some honey.
Jess: Who's in the house? Coach is in the house. What-what? What's up, Coach? You have so many sweatpants, you need to buy normal pants. [Nick laughs] Cece here. You guys know Cece. Your hair's so long.
Nick: Well, you're basically busted.
Coach: Good one.
Cece: That was good. That was really a good one.
Jess: Schmidt.
Schmidt: Jess, please, don't. I'm very fragile right now.
Jess: Your head's so big. [laughing] That actually wasn't that bad.
Nick: You got a big-ass head, dude!

Quote from Jess

Jess: What can I say about Nick that hasn't already been said?
Nick: Oh, here we go.
Jess: Nick calls birds "wind mice."
Nick: Think about it.
Jess: Nick says "Yahtzee" when he climaxes.
Nick: Oh, boy.
Jess: He calls turtles "shell beavers."
Nick: Well, that's what they should be called.
Jess: They're green. Beavers are brown.
Nick: Definitely. We've had this argument and we have agreed to not talk about it in front of others.
Jess: But you know the worst, worst, worst thing about Nick?
Coach: You don't have to say it.
Cece: Mm-mm, mm-mm.
Jess: He's okay. He's okay. And I am not okay. [sniffles] I'm not okay.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Guys, in light of what's been going on, I will be postponing the Honey Roast until tomorrow night.
Nick: Okay.
Coach: Ah!
Cece: No.
Coach: No way.
Schmidt: Not doing this.
Winston: We could say everybody come back...
Jess: Sorry, Winston.
Winston: Everybody come back the same time, so then you guys all get to wear white.

Quote from Jess

Jess: [answers phone] Hi, again. I'm watching Dirty Dancing.
Nick: I know. I've heard all three screenings. I just don't understand how Penny got in trouble.
Jess: Well, you know, it was a different time.
Nick: Who wins in a fight? Swayze from Dirty Dancing or Swayze from Roadhouse?
Jess: I think, uh, To Wong Foo Swayze would win.
Nick: [on the phone] Jess, this is really hard. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to call you. It's like a riddle.
Jess: I know! I don't know where to change or where to sleep or where to go to the bathroom. Well, I know where to go to the bathroom. But you know, the social component.


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