Nick: I think I'm handling it well.
Jess: Yeah, you are. You are. You're... You know, you're not drunk, you haven't left me 300 voicemails.
Nick: And you're not crying while watching that movie Ghost.
Jess: Well, it's Dirty Dancing.
Nick: Doesn't Swayze do a dirty dance with that clay?
Jess: That's not Dirty Dancing. It's Ghost. It's a different movie.
Nick: Which one takes place at camp?
Jess: Dirty Dancing.
Nick: Which one's Whoopi in?
Jess: Stop asking me questions about them.

Nick: Look, of course she doesn't know I'm in pain, Tran. I'm hiding it like you're supposed to. But I'm lying to my best friend. You're also my best friend, don't don't start that weird jazz train. I don't know how I'm gonna hold it all together. I can't talk about it with anyone all day. I feel like a pinata, you know, and I'm just gonna pop. What does that mean: "The problem is the solution?" Oh, you mean just focus myself on Winston, and I won't have time to think about Jess. That's really smart, but that's not exactly "the problem is the solution." Do you know what I mean? That's, like, a cool sentence, but it's more just "stay busy," right? Thanks, Tran. [shakes hand] If I'd met you in your prime, during the war, that would have been glorious! But then we would've been enemies and tried to murder one another, unless we formed an alliance. Oh... You and me forming an alliance in an old-school war? That's a fantasy. Or a novel. You just gave me another idea.

Nick: Winston? I've been thinking about it, and a banquet is not big enough. You're not retiring from some insurance company. So what do you really want, besides a pinata? Dream big.
Winston: Dream big, he said. Okay. Um... If I had my druthers you know, 100% of my druthers, I... I gotta go Honey Roast.
Coach: The hell is that? And don't say it like it's some thing we know!
Winston: It's a roast, except you say nice things about me. Honey Roast.

Cece: Look, that was so sweet of you, Schmidt. Okay? And thank you for believing in me-
Schmidt: Who gives a rat's A?!
Cece: Hmm?
Schmidt: Nick and Jess break up. and you spring this on me like a, like it's a freaking weather report? I am a child of divorce! I'm delicate! Should've graduated the first time around, you buffoon!
Coach: Better keep it together, dude. No one can know you know.

Nick: "You and Jess broke up." [sighs] Oh, man. "The bed got burned." I thought it was a dream. "It was a not a dream." I'm a little scared to see what's on the other side. "Writing left-handed is HARB."

Jess: Hi. Sorry. I was just changing in the closet, like Superman. Are we still allowed to see each other naked?
Nick: Yes.
Jess: Do you think so?
Nick: I don't know.
Jess: Hmm.
Nick: Maybe.
Jess: Ah.
Nick: Definitely not.
Jess: [goofily] "Derfi-niddley nit." [laughs] Boob season's over, for you.

Winston: [sings] Bad boys, bad boys What you gonna do What you gonna do when I come for you?
Jess: Hey, you guys, we have, um...
Winston: Big news! I just got into the police academy. [sings] Police naw give me no break Not a solider mona give you no break
Schmidt: You know it.
Coach: He knows it.
Schmidt: Because you are a cop.
Winston: No, my uncle was on Cops a bunch of times. He got no residuals, though. He's poor.

Jess: [on the phone] I know we did the right thing, I just I feel like really upset, and Nick seems totally okay and I guess I just need someone to tell me it's gonna be fine.
Joan Day: [sobbing] It's not gonna be fine, Jess. I'm never gonna be a grandmother!
Jess: What? Mom, stop crying.
Joan Day: You don't even have to love him, honey. You just have to get that sperm cooking!
Jess: Mom.
Joan Day: I'm sorry, honey, I just... You know, this is where I'm at right now.
Jess: Well, this was really comforting, Mom. [Joan sobbing over phone] It's like I'm in the womb, sucking my thumb.

Nick: How do I do it?
Winston: You just get everybody to say a bunch of cute stuff about me. You know, all the, like, funny stuff that makes me sweet, you know?
Nick: Done! What else?
Winston: What? There's- There's more? [laughs] Uh, make me a prominent chair.
Coach: Like a throne?
Winston: Come on. A throne? Who am I, CeeLo? [laughs] No, I just... This is me, I'm still the same person. I'm not gonna change.
Coach: Stop touching me.
Winston: I'm still the same person.
Coach: Stop touching me.
Winston: So make me a prominent chair.

Schmidt: Well, this just in: the dress code for Winston's banquet tonight is is opt is optional. Why would he write "optional" there? That's gotta be a mistake, right?
Cece: And they're gonna give him a gun?