Cece: Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Cece Schmidt. So if any of you have anything else you'd like to say to my husband, I will drag you outside and we will handle this L.A. style. I will take you to the corner of Fairfax and La Brea. [crowd booing]
Winston: Those are parallel streets.
Nick: I'm not telling her that.
Louise: That's my daughter! We have to leave. Where's my car?
Jess: Even though your car is definitely here, it's a beautiful night... let's walk.
Winston: Okay, look, she clearly did something weird with your car, but I got something. Trust us.
Cece: Sepulveda! La Cienega, bitches. El Matador beach.
Schmidt: You're just naming places in Southern California.
Cece: Nickel Canyon!

Schmidt: How can I survive another nine months of pregnant Cece? She was so mean to me.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: I got your wings, my love.
Cece: I wanted all flats, no drumlets! Do they look flat to you?! [muffled grunting] Do they look flat to you?!
[present:]
Schmidt: She tried to jam the business end of a drumlet straight up my tuchus. And then things got worse. I can only describe what I experienced next as... anti-Semitic.
[flashback:]
Cece: Hey, gefilte face! Quit playing "Where's My Foreskin?" and get in here and rub my feet before I divorce your Yentl-loving, Ashkenazi ass!

Jess: But you're using birth control, right?
Cece: Yeah, of course. It's just that Schmidt gets so athletic that birth control becomes like one of those plastic barbecue covers in a hurricane.
Jess: I didn't want to know that.

Cece: It was Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
Schmidt: What? You... you were... you were with Zack Morris?
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Schmidt: Guy's a frigging god. I mean, all right. I've... I surrender. That's awes... Can I come to the wedding? [Cece laughs] You think Slater and Screech are gonna be there?
Cece: [laughing] I'm kidding. I just wanted to see you freak out.
Schmidt: You really had me going there for a second.
Cece: [laughs] It works every time with you. It's amazing. Now...
Schmidt: There was a real second there where I had bad feelings towards Mark-Paul Gosselaar, and I didn't like any moment of that. How dare you. Don't ever do that to me again.

Jess: [on the phone] Guys, I need to go in right now. What do I do?
Nick: Whatever the trial's about, I say I don't believe in it.
Cece: Just tell them that your parents are Pakistani militants. That's what I do; works every time. Yeah.
Nick: Why'd you have an accent when you said "Pakistani"?
Cece: Because that's actually how you pronounce it.
Nick: "Pakazani"?

Schmidt: Cece, this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to say to you. I had always assumed that when you got serious about interior design, I was going to love your ideas. Because I love you. I hate your ideas. I hate them almost as much as I love you, which is so much.
Cece: I have to stop you right there. I appreciate the fact that you are a very dramatic man, but the next time you start a conversation with, "This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to say to you," it better end with, "I'm gay now," "I found a lump in my nut," or, "He came out of nowhere, help me get the blood off of my car."
Schmidt: I can't live in a house that you don't love. And I also can't live in a house of horrors!
Cece: Thank you for taking my note about being dramatic.

Cece: Hey, um... so, I was, I was on the top of this mountain, and I finally got cell reception and there were, like, 20 voice mails from...
Schmidt: Are you in love with me? Because I'm in love with you. Deeply. But I assumed that you would never because I've... I've messed this up so many times. And you've made it very clear that you just want to be friends with me and I value that friendship so much. So if I'm ruining it by doing any of this, please, please stop me!
Cece: Schmidt. I'm in... I'm in love with you.
Schmidt: Really?
Cece: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of stupid how much I'm in love with you. You should've seen how fast I came down that mountain. I mean, a lot of it was falling. Luckily, the ground just stopped me, but...

Cece: Donovan, these terms are unacceptable. He's really screwing you.
Donovan: Aw.
Cece: You know what? I'm gonna get on the phone with him, because if we start treating our attractive people like this, our society is gonna collapse.

Winston: What are you doing here?
Cece: He left me a voicemail from the ambulance. He was rambling a lot, but I brought him this.
Winston: Whoa, where'd you get that?
Cece: You know, one of the perks of being a model. You get to meet a lot of sketchy people. The guy who got me this also said he could get me a box of dolphin steaks or a mostly white baby.

Cece: I wish I could just travel back in time and tell 19-year-old me to move into a place like this. Maybe I would've settled down. Met a, you know, nice guy. Nothing flashy. Works in a bank, makes a great veggie lasagna.
Jess: Okay, not now, Cece.
Broker: No, don't stop her. Who is this guy? [laughs]
Cece: Right? [sighs]