TV Quotes

Schmidt: You guys are getting back together?
Nick: We're not getting back together.
Schmidt: You're confusing everybody!
Nick: No, it was the grand romance package.
Jess: My God! They were, like, folding these towels. It was so sexy. You try folding towels like that and see if you don't get turned on.
Coach: Yeah, because they fold the towels like vaginas.
Winston: They're swans, dude.

Nick: What package would you recommend for two brothers looking for trouble?
Ship Employee: The grand romance package is nonrefundable.
Jess: Well, we're not doing that, so we're good.
Ship Employee: Are you sure? This includes over $600 of activities and...
Nick: We're gonna do it.
Jess: We're not doing it.
Nick: $600? That is 600 one-dollar bills. That's the only way I can imagine it.

Jess: Guys, we're going on a cruise and you guys are coming with us.
Nick: And none of you have a choice. [Jess laughs]
Schmidt: A cruise? If I wanted to watch a heavy-set guy in sandals eating with his hands, I would've just posted up and watched Nick in the kitchen.

Winston: Schmidt, do you got any Fisherman's pants I can borrow? What's that?
Schmidt: It's a class ring for Cece. She got her GED and I've been tutoring her, so I had this made. [off Winston's look] What?
Winston: Shame, shame, I know your name.
Schmidt: Please don't "shame, shame" me, Winston.
Winston: [wingsongy] You're still in love with her.
Schmidt: I am not still in love with her, okay?
Winston: You're alone on a boat with Cece, romantic cruise, and you give her jewelry. Then what?
Schmidt: I tell her that I'm still in love with her and that I want her back, and then we have sex until the boat sinks.
Winston: I knew it, I knew it!
Schmidt: To the bottom of the ocean.
Winston: To the bottom of the ocean.
Schmidt: Oh, man the sand and the mackerel and the chum and whatever the hell else is down there.
Winston: And crabs.
Schmidt: Not the crabs.

Coach: I-I get, I get in the boat?
Doug: You get in the boat!
Coach: I get in the boat!
Doug: You're getting in the boat!
Coach: I get in the boat!
Doug: Wrong! Wrong! No! The first thing you do is you what? Make sure your life preserver is strapped on correctly.
Coach: No, no, screw that, man! I'm gettin' in the boat! Get out of my way! I'm getting in the boat!

Schmidt: Where you going, Coach?
Doug: He's paddling to heaven, 'cause he's already dead.
Coach: Don't say that!
Doug: Spread your wings, little angel.
Captain Jane Nortis: Douglas that's a little too much.
Coach: Oh, my God! Stroke! Stroke! Ah, there's two of these! How do you do two of these?
Doug: Okay. You're safe. You're okay.
Coach: Stroke! Stroke!
Doug: You're okay! You're okay, you're okay, you're okay. [Coach gasping, sobbing] Shh. [sings] Amazing grace...
Coach: I'm not afraid of boats.
Doug: How sweet. No one's afraid. The sound.
Coach: Okay, I'm good.
Doug: You're good?
Coach: [screams]

Jess: Well, she was flirting with you. Which I'm okay with, because she is a handsome woman.
Nick: Jess, stop. You're being weird.
Jess: No, I'm not being weird. I'm not being weird! I am, I am being weird.
Nick: Okay, focus up for a second. Okay, they say this is an all-inclusive trip, but you know what that means. But from their eyes, you have a couple of drinks, and then you're done. And then what have you paid for? We're smarter than that, okay? We are. We're gonna take every class, we're gonna do every activity. We're gonna get our money's worth.
Jess: Okay.

Yoga Instructor: As your bodies become one, follow your breath through your spine to the soles of your feet and into your genitals.
Nick: What? [Jess laughs] Into my genitals?
Jess: Yeah. [laughs] Breathe into your genitals.
Nick: I'm not breathing into my genitals, lady.

Masseuse: Wow, I've never done a couples massage on exes before.
Jess: In case you're wondering what that scar on his back is, it's from falling on a fence when he was six.
Nick: I was legally dead for ten minutes.

Nick: I got the starboard and she got the other side.
Winston: What are you doing, man? You're hanging out by an exhaust vent.
Nick: It keeps the left side of my face warm and it sounds like the ocean.
Winston: More than the ocean sounds like the ocean?