‘Cruise’ Quotes
323. Cruise
Aired May 6, 2014
Jess and Nick drag their friends along for a romantic cruise they booked while they were still together.
Quote from Coach
Schmidt: You guys are getting back together?
Nick: We're not getting back together.
Schmidt: You're confusing everybody!
Nick: No, it was the grand romance package.
Jess: My God! They were, like, folding these towels. It was so sexy. You try folding towels like that and see if you don't get turned on.
Coach: Yeah, because they fold the towels like vaginas.
Winston: They're swans, dude.
Quote from Nick
Nick: What package would you recommend for two brothers looking for trouble?
Ship Employee: The grand romance package is nonrefundable.
Jess: Well, we're not doing that, so we're good.
Ship Employee: Are you sure? This includes over $600 of activities and...
Nick: We're gonna do it.
Jess: We're not doing it.
Nick: $600? That is 600 one-dollar bills. That's the only way I can imagine it.
Quote from Schmidt
Jess: Guys, we're going on a cruise and you guys are coming with us.
Nick: And none of you have a choice. [Jess laughs]
Schmidt: A cruise? If I wanted to watch a heavy-set guy in sandals eating with his hands, I would've just posted up and watched Nick in the kitchen.
Quote from Schmidt
Winston: Schmidt, do you got any Fisherman's pants I can borrow? What's that?
Schmidt: It's a class ring for Cece. She got her GED and I've been tutoring her, so I had this made. [off Winston's look] What?
Winston: Shame, shame, I know your name.
Schmidt: Please don't "shame, shame" me, Winston.
Winston: [wingsongy] You're still in love with her.
Schmidt: I am not still in love with her, okay?
Winston: You're alone on a boat with Cece, romantic cruise, and you give her jewelry. Then what?
Schmidt: I tell her that I'm still in love with her and that I want her back, and then we have sex until the boat sinks.
Winston: I knew it, I knew it!
Schmidt: To the bottom of the ocean.
Winston: To the bottom of the ocean.
Schmidt: Oh, man the sand and the mackerel and the chum and whatever the hell else is down there.
Winston: And crabs.
Schmidt: Not the crabs.
Quote from Coach
Coach: I-I get, I get in the boat?
Doug: You get in the boat!
Coach: I get in the boat!
Doug: You're getting in the boat!
Coach: I get in the boat!
Doug: Wrong! Wrong! No! The first thing you do is you what? Make sure your life preserver is strapped on correctly.
Coach: No, no, screw that, man! I'm gettin' in the boat! Get out of my way! I'm getting in the boat!
Quote from Coach
Schmidt: Where you going, Coach?
Doug: He's paddling to heaven, 'cause he's already dead.
Coach: Don't say that!
Doug: Spread your wings, little angel.
Captain Jane Nortis: Douglas that's a little too much.
Coach: Oh, my God! Stroke! Stroke! Ah, there's two of these! How do you do two of these?
Doug: Okay. You're safe. You're okay.
Coach: Stroke! Stroke!
Doug: You're okay! You're okay, you're okay, you're okay. [Coach gasping, sobbing] Shh. [sings] Amazing grace...
Coach: I'm not afraid of boats.
Doug: How sweet. No one's afraid. The sound.
Coach: Okay, I'm good.
Doug: You're good?
Coach: [screams]
Quote from Nick
Jess: Well, she was flirting with you. Which I'm okay with, because she is a handsome woman.
Nick: Jess, stop. You're being weird.
Jess: No, I'm not being weird. I'm not being weird! I am, I am being weird.
Nick: Okay, focus up for a second. Okay, they say this is an all-inclusive trip, but you know what that means. But from their eyes, you have a couple of drinks, and then you're done. And then what have you paid for? We're smarter than that, okay? We are. We're gonna take every class, we're gonna do every activity. We're gonna get our money's worth.
Jess: Okay.
Quote from Nick
Yoga Instructor: As your bodies become one, follow your breath through your spine to the soles of your feet and into your genitals.
Winston: What? [Jess laughs] Into my genitals?
Jess: Yeah. [laughs] Breathe into your genitals.
Nick: I'm not breathing into my genitals, lady.
Quote from Nick
Masseuse: Wow, I've never done a couples massage on exes before.
Jess: In case you're wondering what that scar on his back is, it's from falling on a fence when he was six.
Nick: I was legally dead for ten minutes.
Quote from Nick
Nick: I got the starboard and she got the other side.
Winston: What are you doing, man? You're hanging out by an exhaust vent.
Nick: It keeps the left side of my face warm and it sounds like the ocean.
Winston: More than the ocean sounds like the ocean?
Quote from Winston
Winston: Come on, Nick. You guys can't be separate the whole trip.
Nick: The trip just made it clear. The breakup's too hard. I don't think we can be friends for a while.
Winston: What? You're not gonna be friends with Jess?
Nick: And even you guys said it. It's just too weird.
Winston: Nick, man, that's like the president and the vice president not being best friends.
Nick: They're not best friends.
Winston: Come on. Everybody knows they're best friends.
Nick: They work together, but they're not best friends.
Winston: Dude, they're the president and the vice president.
Nick: Okay.
Quote from Nick
Winston: Well, I mean, look, man, we all have to be together on this trip. That's why we came here. Nick, there's gotta be something I can do.
Nick: Yeah, you know what you can do?
Winston: Yeah, anything, come on.
Nick: You can cash in my skee ball tickets on the other side of the boat. Get me one of those toy spiders that I was talking to you about before. And if they're out...
Winston: All right, man, all right.
Nick: Then grab me a bunch of erasers?
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: We should've never asked you guys not to be weird around us. We- We want you to be weird around us. Just let us in. Open your cellar doors, and let us taste your jams.
Nick: You want to "taste our jams"?
Winston: Again, you have lost me.
Nick: Listen to yourself for once in your life.
Jess: It's my jam and you can't have it.
Nick: First of all, that's my ex-girlfriend's jam, dude.
Jess: I put a ban on jam.
Quote from Winston
Cece: Okay, you know what? All of us are weird. But we're all still friends. So, let's talk about it. I'll go first. I've made out with half of the guys in this room.
Winston: Okay.
Schmidt: All right.
Winston: That's a start. That's a start. And I have had nightmares about making out with the other two guys in this room.
Jess: So, yourself?
Nick: And me.
Winston: Nick and Winston.
Quote from Coach
Coach: Um, it really bums me out that I'll never know the infinite joy of what it feels like to carry a child inside of me.
Cece: Wow.
Schmidt: Okay, Coach!
Schmidt: That's honesty. That's real honest.
Cece: That's how it's done.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: You know, I've been thinking a lot about your sleeping arrangements and...
Nick: Weird.
Schmidt: I might have an idea on how to make things a little bit less weird.
Jess: Really? What is it?
Schmidt: Two words. Bunk beds.
Nick: No. [laughs] No, I'm not putting bunk beds in my room, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Not in your room. In my room. It'll be just like college, my man. Only with way more sex.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: That came out wrong.
Nick: I'm not bunking with you, Schmidt.
Jess: Yeah, he is.
Schmidt: Yeah, he is.
Nick: Yeah, he is. There's gonna be a lot of rules, and I'm gonna make most of them.
Schmidt: You can make them all, man! Except for the ones that I make! [both laugh] First one in gets dibs!