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‘The Crawl’ Quotes

New Girl: The Crawl

415. The Crawl

Aired February 10, 2015

Following his break-up with Kai, Nick invites everyone along on a Valentine's Day bar crawl he's been planning for years.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Watch and learn, player. If you're a girl and you're in a bar on Valentine's Day, you're basically saying, "Hello. Good February. I'm interested in casual sex."

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Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Hey, it's my business partner that I was telling you about. Schmidt!
All: Schmidt!
Schmidt: Nick, who are all these people?
Nick: These are the crawlers. The single, the lonely, the close-talkers, the shockingly pale, the stank-mouths,
fat boys in the back... [whoops twice] The chubby-fronts, the delusionally-okay- with-themselves... but no one is alone tonight because...
All: [chant] The crawl is for all! The crawl is for all! The crawl is for all!

Quote from Nick

Cece: Boom! I'm gonna outdrink you tonight, Miller.
Nick: Cece, your mouth is writing a check that your body can't find. [laughs]
Jess: That's not an expression.
Winston: Regionally specific to Northern Illinois. We say it all the time.
Nick: Thank you, Winston.
Winston: You're welcome. Don't write a check your body can't find.
Nick: [laughs] Every day, man.

Quote from Nick

Nick: No, 'cause I'm gonna murder you if you're pretend-drinking on my bar crawl! And you're breaking my heart! You can't fight the crawl. It's like fighting a hurricane. You know what a hurricane is? Do you guys have those over the pond?
Ryan: We don't, but I know what it is.
Nick: You guys don't have them?
Ryan: No.
Nick: They're awful. It's like fighting one of those. And a hurricane doesn't have fists, so just, bang, you lose!

Quote from Winston

Nick: My map is just a deformed smile now. I didn't complete it.
Winston: Or is it... a goatee face?
Nick: What bar is that? What bar is that?
Winston: [chuckles] I'm glad you asked. [pulls out beers from backpack] Welcome to Winston's bar. Happy Valentine's Day, everybody.
Coach: You're like the black Mary Poppins!
Winston: That's right!

Quote from Coach

Jess: [British accent] Happy St. Valentine's Day, mates. I just spent the week at Ryan's, and it was absolutely lovely.
Coach: Fake accent, smug attitude. This is exactly why the teachers have turned on Jyan.
Jess: Jyan?! Come on! You chose the worst parts of both our names.
Coach: That's why we chose it.
Jess: Haters gonna "H." That's why Ryan has to find a new job.
Winston: You know, I hear Elijah Wood's looking for a stunt double. [laughter]
Jess: He's so small!
Coach: Get back in that tree and make me some cookies, Ryan!

Quote from Winston

Winston: I got your back, man. I got your back. Actually, I have all your backs, all right? Uh, since I can't drink tonight, I am your designated buddy. Here in my backpack, I have a list of items that we may need. I got water, so... I got towels for everybody. Perfect. I got... small stick. Speaks for itself. Oh. Oh. Also... one female condom. It's gonna go quick, so I'll let you two fight it out.
Cece: Uh-uh.
Winston: Also, I got tissues for you, Nick, 'cause...
Nick: What for?
Winston: It's-it's Valentine's Day, and your girlfriend broke up. Yeah, it's gonna be sad...
Nick: Move it right along, man.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Valentine's Day might be for couples, but the crawl is for all.
Man: Yes.
Nick: We just got our motto, folks.
All: The bar crawl is for all!

Quote from Nick

Ryan: Nah, she heard me. It was very obvious.
Winston: I really hate to see you upset. You know, if I had something to g... You know what, I do have something. I have a bag of nuts in my bag. Do you want a bag of nuts?
Nick: Maybe she didn't hear you. You know, she's got a lot of hair. And hair blocks sound. It happened when we were dating all the time.
[flashback to Jess and Nick in the bathroom as she brushes her teeth:]
Nick: Hey, did you get a chance to read my Walking Dead fan fiction yet? [Jess keeps brushing] What'd you think?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Well, happy V-Day to me. Fawn and I are on the rocks. By the way, a pun that would have killed
at last week's geologist ball.

Quote from Cece

Cece: [whispers] Let's murder her.
Schmidt: What?!
Cece: I want chicken wings.
Schmidt: I know. How many drinks you had tonight?
Cece: Nine plus three minus one.
Schmidt: Oh, no. That's...
Cece: Because I'm gonna outdrink Miller.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Whoo. Where my altos at? Come on, now, don't be shy! I see you!

Quote from Jess

Jess: I'm so sorry that I pretended not to hear you. It's just that... I wasn't ready for it, and sometimes you mumble with your accent, and I never fully understand you. I'm sorry.
Ryan: I'm sorry. I asked you to move in with me out of the blue. What kind of... nutter does that?
Jess: The craziest mother nutter in the whole damn place! Ryan Geauxinue, will you move in with me?
Ryan: I have my own home. You live in a loft with four guys and a urinal. Will you move in with me?
Jess: Yes.

Quote from Nick

Mike: Last call!
Nick: Ack! We got one more bar on the crawl! We have to finish the smile!
Mike: You're never, ever gonna make it. And I'm never gonna ride a Jet Ski with Tom Colicchio on my back,
so sometimes dreams just don't come true.
Nick: I'm sorry about that guy Galecky not hugging you from behind in the water on a motorized thing! I'm sorry! We will finish what we have started!
All: [cheer] Yay!
Nick: We will feast on the spoils of this night for a thousand moons! In the name of love and booze! [crawlers cheering]
Mike: Oh, no. My crush is back. I hate myself.


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