Schmidt: I'm soft like a lady. You won't even know.
Nick: But what if I get a surprise?
Schmidt: "A surprise"?
Nick: What if there's a surprise on me?
Schmidt: There's not gonna be a surprise on you.
Nick: What if I'm fighting the war and boom... there's a surprise!
Schmidt: You go north, I go south. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm in steerage and I'm rowing. And I'm rowing and I'm rowing and the... You're up in the crow's nest. Fre-fresh air up there, man. And I'm in the trenches, you know? I'm digging for coal. I'm breathing in those fumes. And you're up here. You're just taking in the sights. You're spotting dolphins, huh? You're just the handsome prince covered in salty sea spray...
Nick: I don't want you calling me handsome before a potential four-way!

Jess: All five of us out there together, in the wild, getting some strange, like a sex fist.
Coach: I'm sorry, what?
Nick: Mm, that's not what you mean.
Schmidt: What's a sex fist, now?
Jess: One, two, three, four, five of us, together, make a fist.
Nick: You're making a mistake right now.
Jess: Schmidt, Nick, Coach, Winston, Jess... sex fist. When you put them all together...
Nick: No, that's not right.
Jess: ...tearing our way through the reception.
Nick: Slow down.
Coach: Are you listening to what you're saying?
Jess: Isn't that sweet? It's a metaphor for togetherness.
Coach: It could just be a fist.
Jess: All five of us sex-fisting our way...

Schmidt: Come on, Nick. We don't have any other choice. I've found 15 other girls since I've been here. They're all either married or taken or mad at Coach.
Nick: I'm not doing a four-way with you...
Schmidt: It's the last helicopter out of Saigon, my man. Charlie won.
Nick: No, Schmidt.
Schmidt: You won't even know it's me, Nick. Look, at this point, it's all skin and shapes...
Nick: That's-that's what I'm afraid of.
Schmidt: It-it's the fog of war, man. There's so much stuff going on. You're just, you're just here.
Nick: Yeah...
Schmidt: You don't even know what's happening.
Nick: Okay, but I want to know what's happening if it's with sex... I don't want some fog of war on top of me, if it looks like you.
Schmidt: That's the point. The fog of war is something you can't see through.
Nick: Like, the whole thing with the Charlie thing and Vietnam, I don't know who I'm fighting!

Kat: Perfect specimen. Ted is the only eligible guy here, and we are his two best options for procreation.
Jess: Oh.
Kat: I'm not trying to intimidate you, I just want you to know who you're dealing with if we're both gonna compete for this man tonight.
Jess: What?
Kat: Here are the facts: I am technically a genius, I have a photographic memory and I lost my virginity to Malcolm Gladwell.
Jess: Okay...
Kat: Have you ever heard of plutoxic syndrome? That's because I cured it. You're welcome, vaginas everywhere.
Jess: [goofy voice] Oh, thank you very much. I'm sorry, that was... vagina voice, and a... It was a huge mistake.

Kat: I stay current on sporting events. I watch 30 minutes of porn every night just to stay up to date on the latest sex trends. In the coming months, I'm predicting a throwback to missionary. It all depends on what happens in Syria.
Jess: Well, have you ever had sex when you were really, really, really, really, really, really tired?
Kat: I'm never tired. I'm the better choice of mate. From a purely biological standpoint, you're shorter, weaker, and dumber. No offense. I love those shoes.
Jess: I love your shoes.
Kat: But I love your shoes.
Jess: Your shoes.
Kat: No, I love your shoes.
Jess: Your shoes.
Kat: Your shoes.
Jess: [very quiet] Your shoes.
Kat: [whispering] Your shoes.
Jess: [no voice]
Kat: What?
Jess: I was just moving my mouth.

Coach: So you're competing with her?
Jess: I can take her down, because I have something she doesn't have: You guys. Now, strategies. What about you, Coach? You hook up at weddings all the time. What's your strategy?
Coach: It's called being a gorgeous black man with the body of an action figure.
Jess: I could give that a try.

Winston: Would you like to know my strategy, Jess?
Jess: Is the art of seduction really where you shine?
Winston: Be there.
Jess: [laughs] That's it?
Winston: Yeah. Just be there. No matter where he goes, be there. He gets a drink, be there. He talks to his friends, be there. At the end of the night, be there. It's called "the Joe Biden."
Coach: That's creepy, man.
Cece: The basic concept of what he's saying, though, could actually work.
Jess: Yeah. [quiet laugh] I'm gonna Biden his ass.

Winston: [grunts loudly] What's up, guys? Tell you what. I am so sore I can't have sex with nobody tonight. Only thing I want in my mouth is Mr. and Mrs. I.B. Profen. [laughs] Minus the mister.

Jess: I haven't told the guys that you broke up with Buster yet, 'cause, um... I feel like I might have to tell Schmidt outside a hospital, like, you know, when you give a baby peanut butter for the first time?
Cece: Yeah.

Jess: Hey. Ted. Um... [clears throat] I'm out of moves, so... I'm just gonna try being myself. Here's some stuff about me: I've never cured anything. I'm a middle school vice principal and I love my job. Um, I'm just getting out of a relationship with a guy that I still live with, which is kind of complicated. He's over there. What's up, Nick?
Nick: Hi, I'm Nick!
Jess: Sometimes I cry when newscasters wish each other "Happy Birthday" on air. My first crush was on a Batman cake, but my first sexual feelings were about teenage Simba. 'Cause he was super hot, and I still, actually, find him hot. Uh, truth time. Um... So that's me. And if you want to take me home, Ted, we can definitely do some no-bra stuff.
Kat: Uh... [shows picture] That's me naked.
Jess: Well... ...and this is me with a guy who I thought was Larry King. So it's decision time.