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‘The Last Wedding’ Quotes

New Girl: The Last Wedding

401. The Last Wedding

Aired September 16, 2014

Schmidt is determined the gang will all hook up as they attend their twelfth and final wedding of the season.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I'm soft like a lady. You won't even know.
Nick: But what if I get a surprise?
Schmidt: "A surprise"?
Nick: What if there's a surprise on me?
Schmidt: There's not gonna be a surprise on you.
Nick: What if I'm fighting the war and boom... there's a surprise!
Schmidt: You go north, I go south. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm in steerage and I'm rowing. And I'm rowing and I'm rowing and the... You're up in the crow's nest. Fre-fresh air up there, man. And I'm in the trenches, you know? I'm digging for coal. I'm breathing in those fumes. And you're up here. You're just taking in the sights. You're spotting dolphins, huh? You're just the handsome prince covered in salty sea spray...
Nick: I don't want you calling me handsome before a potential four-way!

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Quote from Jess

Jess: All five of us out there together, in the wild, getting some strange, like a sex fist.
Coach: I'm sorry, what?
Nick: Mm, that's not what you mean.
Schmidt: What's a sex fist, now?
Jess: One, two, three, four, five of us, together, make a fist.
Nick: You're making a mistake right now.
Jess: Schmidt, Nick, Coach, Winston, Jess... sex fist. When you put them all together...
Nick: No, that's not right.
Jess: ...tearing our way through the reception.
Nick: Slow down.
Coach: Are you listening to what you're saying?
Jess: Isn't that sweet? It's a metaphor for togetherness.
Coach: It could just be a fist.
Jess: All five of us sex-fisting our way...

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Come on, Nick. We don't have any other choice. I've found 15 other girls since I've been here. They're all either married or taken or mad at Coach.
Nick: I'm not doing a four-way with you...
Schmidt: It's the last helicopter out of Saigon, my man. Charlie won.
Nick: No, Schmidt.
Schmidt: You won't even know it's me, Nick. Look, at this point, it's all skin and shapes...
Nick: That's-that's what I'm afraid of.
Schmidt: It-it's the fog of war, man. There's so much stuff going on. You're just, you're just here.
Nick: Yeah...
Schmidt: You don't even know what's happening.
Nick: Okay, but I want to know what's happening if it's with sex... I don't want some fog of war on top of me, if it looks like you.
Schmidt: That's the point. The fog of war is something you can't see through.
Nick: Like, the whole thing with the Charlie thing and Vietnam, I don't know who I'm fighting!

Quote from Jess

Kat: Perfect specimen. Ted is the only eligible guy here, and we are his two best options for procreation.
Jess: Oh.
Kat: I'm not trying to intimidate you, I just want you to know who you're dealing with if we're both gonna compete for this man tonight.
Jess: What?
Kat: Here are the facts: I am technically a genius, I have a photographic memory and I lost my virginity to Malcolm Gladwell.
Jess: Okay...
Kat: Have you ever heard of plutoxic syndrome? That's because I cured it. You're welcome, vaginas everywhere.
Jess: [goofy voice] Oh, thank you very much. I'm sorry, that was... vagina voice, and a... It was a huge mistake.

Quote from Jess

Kat: I stay current on sporting events. I watch 30 minutes of porn every night just to stay up to date on the latest sex trends. In the coming months, I'm predicting a throwback to missionary. It all depends on what happens in Syria.
Jess: Well, have you ever had sex when you were really, really, really, really, really, really tired?
Kat: I'm never tired. I'm the better choice of mate. From a purely biological standpoint, you're shorter, weaker, and dumber. No offense. I love those shoes.
Jess: I love your shoes.
Kat: But I love your shoes.
Jess: Your shoes.
Kat: No, I love your shoes.
Jess: Your shoes.
Kat: Your shoes.
Jess: [very quiet] Your shoes.
Kat: [whispering] Your shoes.
Jess: [no voice]
Kat: What?
Jess: I was just moving my mouth.

Quote from Coach

Coach: So you're competing with her?
Jess: I can take her down, because I have something she doesn't have: You guys. Now, strategies. What about you, Coach? You hook up at weddings all the time. What's your strategy?
Coach: It's called being a gorgeous black man with the body of an action figure.
Jess: I could give that a try.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Would you like to know my strategy, Jess?
Jess: Is the art of seduction really where you shine?
Winston: Be there.
Jess: [laughs] That's it?
Winston: Yeah. Just be there. No matter where he goes, be there. He gets a drink, be there. He talks to his friends, be there. At the end of the night, be there. It's called "the Joe Biden."
Coach: That's creepy, man.
Cece: The basic concept of what he's saying, though, could actually work.
Jess: Yeah. [quiet laugh] I'm gonna Biden his ass.

Quote from Winston

Winston: [grunts loudly] What's up, guys? Tell you what. I am so sore I can't have sex with nobody tonight. Only thing I want in my mouth is Mr. and Mrs. I.B. Profen. [laughs] Minus the mister.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I haven't told the guys that you broke up with Buster yet, 'cause, um... I feel like I might have to tell Schmidt outside a hospital, like, you know, when you give a baby peanut butter for the first time?
Cece: Yeah.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Hey. Ted. Um... [clears throat] I'm out of moves, so... I'm just gonna try being myself. Here's some stuff about me: I've never cured anything. I'm a middle school vice principal and I love my job. Um, I'm just getting out of a relationship with a guy that I still live with, which is kind of complicated. He's over there. What's up, Nick?
Nick: Hi, I'm Nick!
Jess: Sometimes I cry when newscasters wish each other "Happy Birthday" on air. My first crush was on a Batman cake, but my first sexual feelings were about teenage Simba. 'Cause he was super hot, and I still, actually, find him hot. Uh, truth time. Um... So that's me. And if you want to take me home, Ted, we can definitely do some no-bra stuff.
Kat: Uh... [shows picture] That's me naked.
Jess: Well... ...and this is me with a guy who I thought was Larry King. So it's decision time.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Why does everybody get to have a party for everything in their life? Why can't I have a party for really dedicating myself to knitting this summer?
Schmidt: God, I hate that you knit. I hate everything about it.
Jess: Why?
Schmidt: It makes me angry and scared all at the same time. Just like when I hear the phrase, "Academy Award winner Anna Paquin."

Quote from Jess

Jess: Maybe there's a reason I'm not up on a fridge, you know? Maybe some people are fridge people, and other people are... toilet people.
Nick: You think you're a toilet person? [Jess laughs] You're not a toilet person. You want to get on the fridge, you'll get on the fridge, Jess. Just be yourself, and if he's not into Jessica Day, then there's something wrong with him.
Jess: Be myself. Like do my Tina Turner impression?
Nick: How did your brain jump there?
Jess: [sings] What's love got to do Got to do with it?

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: Okay, we have gone to wedding after wedding this summer, and, with the exception of Coach and myself, none of us have truly taken advantage of the sexual opportunities that a wedding provides.
Jess: Not true. Wedding number seven, an unneutered dog ran after me, so...

Quote from Nick

Nick: I made out with a bridesmaid.
Jess: You did?
Nick: Yes.
Coach: She was wearing a hospital bracelet and carrying a dead goldfish in a bag.
Nick: [snorts] She was still a bridesmaid.
Coach: She looked like the snowman from Frozen.
Nick: Hey, aim for the middle. The ride's rough at first, but the body adjusts.

Quote from Winston

Winston: [o.s.] I'm all right! I just rolled off the couch.
Schmidt: Winston, please!
Winston: I can't close my ass!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: We are hooking up tonight, all five of us, including the gimp. This is the last wedding of summer, which means it is our last chance. Nobody meets anybody in fall...
Nick: No.
Schmidt: Or winter. What, are you gonna gamble on the unknown contents of a bulky sweater?
Nick: Not me.
Schmidt: Do you realize how important this is?
Coach: I do.
Schmidt: Winter... is coming. No one comes home alone.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: You got this.
Jess: Think so?
Schmidt: Yes, you got the bangs parted. You're looking good.
Jess: Really?
Schmidt: Yes.
Jess: Okay.
Schmidt: Wait a minute. Hold on. [grabs ice cubes] Stick your boobs out. Gotta turn the headlights on.
Jess: Ew! Schmidt.
Schmidt: But you got it.
Jess: Sex fist.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Now get your little white butt back out there and finish the summer of sex that you started.
Schmidt: That's what I'm talking about. Cece gone.
Nick: See that bridesmaid right there? The pretty one?
Schmidt: Sure do.
Nick: The foxy lady?
Schmidt: Mm-hmm.
Nick: Well, you're going home with her tonight. And I got your back.
Schmidt: Look at that. She looks like the girl from the commercial playing tennis with a tampon in. Let's do it.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Ugh! I just want to get back out there, but I feel like I forgot everything I knew. Do you guys still like an Oakland face with an L.A. booty?

Quote from Coach

Coach: I'm sorry I didn't call you.
Woman #1: Why are you so scared of intimacy? Who broke your heart and why haven't you forgiven her?
Coach: Uh... well... Yeah, the thi... Huh?
[montage:]
Woman #2: You're arrogant, you're sexist...
Woman #3: You stole my phone charger.
Woman #2: You're conceited. You're a liar.
Woman #3: [takes photographs in Coach's face]
Coach: Aah!
Woman #4: I rented Best Man Holiday. You're not in it.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: My man... Winston, I got a question for you. Do you think that, that two men can engage in group sex without... without compromising their friendship.
Winston: Good question, good question. Um... okay. Uh, let's just say Nick is the salt. And, Schmidt, you are the pepper. I'm assuming we're talking about you two.
Schmidt: Hypothetically, I suppose. Whatever.
Nick: Yes.
Schmidt: Hypothetically, all right. Not necessarily.
Winston: Actually I'm gonna need some... Ooh, boy. Seems as if I've made a mess. Got to clean that up. Yes, look at that. Salt all in the pepper. Pepper all in the salt. Just mixed up like that. Is there salt shoved in the pepper hole? How'd it get in there? How did salt get shoved into this tiny, tiny pepper hole? [Nick runs away]
Schmidt: Nick? [to Winston] You're terrible at demonstrations!

Quote from Nick

Nick: I'll do the four-way with you.
Schmidt: Yes! Okay, I'm gonna go book the room. You go to housekeeping, have them give you as many shower caps as they'll give you...
Nick: Okay, stop. They're gonna get one hand and I'm not gonna move it. I'm just gonna dangle it into the mix while I look at something else on my phone. And that's the deal.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Aw, man, this is gonna be big for us.
Nick: This is for you, buddy.
Schmidt: Thanks. Yeah! What the hell is that?
Nick: What are you talking about?
Schmidt: Yeah, what's-what's that on your hand, man? Why is it so rough? It's like hoof.
Nick: There's nothing on my hand. This is a regular old hand...
Schmidt: I'm out, I'm out.
Nick: You're out of what?
Schmidt: Four-way. Done. No way. Not with that thing.
Nick: You're a buffoon.

Quote from Jess

Nick: No man wants that, but... you can't quit, either. You're our last hope. You're the only one out of the group who might not go home alone tonight, Jess.
Jess: Really?
Nick: Yes. It's all on your shoulders.
Jess: So the sex fist... has... turned into a sex finger.
Nick: Uh, don't... yeah.
Jess: Sex finger.


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