Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘First Date’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

New Girl: First Date

221. First Date

Aired April 4, 2013

Jess and Nick go on their first date. Meanwhile, Schmidt and Winston conspire to sink their roommates' date.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I have an idea ... I'm gonna have the bartender send over two tropical cocktails. Jess will be all, "Why, thank you." Nick will be all, "Grandpa didn't get a face full of Japanese bullets just so you could drink a melted popsicle."

Rate

Quote from Winston

Winston: Or... we could break into a zoo, steal a bear, then we shoot that bear full of Hep C, and then we release that bear in the restaurant right when they order dessert.
Schmidt: Winston, you're terrible at pranks.
Winston: I get that.
Schmidt: You don't think just a bear alone in a restaurant is enough?

Quote from Nick

Nick: I mean, the sexual tension has been off the charts. It's like the wild west. No laws. Whiskey for a nickel. Whores caked in mud. I don't know what to do. You're always there when I need you, Tran. Thank you. I'm glad you got no life. I'm joking. Would you settle down? My father just died. I don't know, life's short, huh? It just kind of... I got to start doing things, Tran. Making moves, grown-up moves. I don't know, I want things. I want to, like, mow a lawn, you know, my lawn, in dark socks. What's my move with Jess? What would you do? Of course you would, you dirty dog. [laughs] Well, in reality, Tran, what would do if you were me? A date? What if that's not what she wants? What if she... oh! What if she...? All right, you're right ... no second-guessing. I got to be confident, I've got to be clear. Women like that. All right, I just got to say... Jessica, you are a beautiful woman, and my life has not been the same since I met you. And it would mean the world to me if you would, uh... go on a date with me.

Quote from Winston

Winston: All of our stories start and end with Nick. What if Nick decides he's gonna leave us?
Schmidt: Well, you know what we have to do, right?
Winston: We're gonna track Jess down and kill her with this knife.
Schmidt: We have to sabotage the date.
Winston: Or we do your thing. Let's do your thing.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Well, here we are by ourselves.
Jess: What should we do?
Nick: Uh, definitely not make out.
Jess: Definitely not. [both chuckle] Your hand's on my boob.
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: And it's weird.
Nick: Maybe it's less weird because I know that it's weird ... I'm calling it out.
Jess: Doesn't make it less weird.
Nick: Right on.
Jess: So you're an upper-boob guy.
Nick: That's the most underrated part of the boob. It's what I've always said.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Would you describe this as a sexual act?
Cece: I would describe that as the pledge of allegiance, which can be sexual. Why?
Jess: Because this is what I got from Nick. Just out of the blue. No reason. Our relationship's so confusing. But this is Nick we're talking about. He's never gonna tell me how he feels. It's always gonna be weird. And I have to stop expecting for it to... change. What?
Cece: You realize your hand is still on your boob, right?
Jess: I can't explain it, it's... it's, like, really calming me down.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: I have a lot of thoughts on this, but first, Schmidt, I have a favor. It's about my clothes.
Schmidt: Burn them, burn them all.
Nick: No, no, no, no, no, I have a date tonight, and, you know, there's a lot of women who sleep with you, and I can't figure out why, so maybe it's about clothes, and maybe...
Schmidt: Are you asking me if I'll help you pick out clothing so you can seduce a woman?
Nick: I was.
Schmidt: I don't know. It's only all I've been wanting for the past ten years, Nick.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Yes, that is how you wrap a son of a bitch in wool. Now, if somebody asks you who you're wearing tonight, what do you say?
Nick: I don't want to do that.
Schmidt: Do it, bro.
Nick: I don't want to do that.
Schmidt: Do it.
Nick: [spins around] I'm wearing Schmidt.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Okay, now, here's some things you want to hide about yourself on tonight's date, okay?
Nick: Definitely, yeah.
Schmidt: That you're cheap, you're a heavy drinker, you're broke and you have a problem with anger.
Winston: Your car is horrible. So go ahead and take my new Foscapay.
Nick: What's a Foscapay?
Winston: Uh, Ford Escape. I'm still work-shopping nicknames.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Ooh. They have, uh, Brussels sprouts with pancetta. That's a fancy name for bacon. Hold the Brussels sprouts. Am I right?
Nick: Everybody loves bacon, Jess ... New topic.

Quote from Nick

Jess: You know, um... If this were a date...
Nick: Yeah, but it wasn't, Jess...
Jess: But, I mean, if it were...
Nick: It wasn't a... And it's probably good because your ex-boyfriend just walked into the restaurant.
Jess: Who?
Nick: The only man we both loved.
Jess: Russell.

Quote from Nick

Jess: You know what? Can we just forget about this date, or not-date, and... Maybe start over and go get a drink at the bar as friends?
Nick: Drinking to forget? That's my sweet spot. Let's do that.

Quote from Nick

Russell: You live together and you had three dates tonight. What's that? I think you guys don't really know what you are to each other. Right?
Nick: Well, you're wrong. No, you're wrong. Yeah.
Jess: You are wrong, because we know what we are...
Nick: We do know... yeah. We know what we are.
Russell: Okay, this'll be fun. Tell you what. Why don't you write it down? Seriously. Write down what you think this is. Is this a relationship, a one-night stand, above the waist only? No wrong answers.
Nick: You had two pens on you this whole time?
Russell: Well, sure.
Nick: That's the move right there.
Russell: You better believe it.

Quote from Winston

Nick: Where do you think you're going? That charger belongs to all of us.
Winston: Nowhere.
Jess: Oh, really? Because it looks like you're going to your room to charge when it's not your turn.
Schmidt: You know the rules, dumb-dumb. Charger stays in a neutral room.
Winston: Why do we only have one charger anyway?
Jess: It was supposed to bring us closer together.
Winston: Hey, look, another charger. [points away]

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: [to Jess] You are terrible at this.
Schmidt: Oh, you can't outrun the Jewish.

Quote from Jess

Nick: That was stupid.
Jess: They are such idiots.
Nick: I don't know why I do this. The charger doesn't even fit on my phone.
Jess: I have, like, six chargers in my room. I just do this for fun.

Quote from Nick

Jess: What are we doing? Yeah.
Nick: We are roommates, who have made out a couple of times, and are attracted to each other.
Jess: Mm-hmm.
Nick: And really good friends.
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: And sometimes genuinely kind of hate each other. And sometimes... touch each other's boobs. [Nick places his other hand on Jess's other boob]
Jess: Little bit better...
Nick: Not helping.
Jess: Little bit worse?
Nick: Yeah.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Hey, Nick.
Nick: Jess...ica. Dirty J, Dr. Day, my toilet sister. If so, food.
Jess: You want to get food later? [Nick gives a silent thumbs-up] I'm gonna get dressed now. Okay, bye.

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: Did you put the charger the bathroom?
Schmidt: The most neutral room in the loft.
Winston: Yeah, well, I moved it to the kitchen.
Schmidt: The kitchen?
Nick: Hey, guys.
Schmidt: Nick, what's more neutral? The awesome bathroom or the stupid, stupid kitchen?

Quote from Nick

Winston: By the way, who's the girl?
Nick: Who's the girl?
Schmidt: Who's the girl? Yeah.
Nick: Uh, what's her name? It's, uh, yeah, it's, uh... Her name is, uh, obviously Yolanda. Uh... her last name is Winston. I should go.

Next Page 


 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  Select another episode