Schmidt: I have an idea ... I'm gonna have the bartender send over two tropical cocktails. Jess will be all, "Why, thank you." Nick will be all, "Grandpa didn't get a face full of Japanese bullets just so you could drink a melted popsicle."

Winston: Or... we could break into a zoo, steal a bear, then we shoot that bear full of Hep C, and then we release that bear in the restaurant right when they order dessert.
Schmidt: Winston, you're terrible at pranks.
Winston: I get that.
Schmidt: You don't think just a bear alone in a restaurant is enough?

Nick: I mean, the sexual tension has been off the charts. It's like the wild west. No laws. Whiskey for a nickel. Whores caked in mud. I don't know what to do. You're always there when I need you, Tran. Thank you. I'm glad you got no life. I'm joking. Would you settle down? My father just died. I don't know, life's short, huh? It just kind of... I got to start doing things, Tran. Making moves, grown-up moves. I don't know, I want things. I want to, like, mow a lawn, you know, my lawn, in dark socks. What's my move with Jess? What would you do? Of course you would, you dirty dog. [laughs] Well, in reality, Tran, what would do if you were me? A date? What if that's not what she wants? What if she... oh! What if she...? All right, you're right ... no second-guessing. I got to be confident, I've got to be clear. Women like that. All right, I just got to say... Jessica, you are a beautiful woman, and my life has not been the same since I met you. And it would mean the world to me if you would, uh... go on a date with me.

Winston: All of our stories start and end with Nick. What if Nick decides he's gonna leave us?
Schmidt: Well, you know what we have to do, right?
Winston: We're gonna track Jess down and kill her with this knife.
Schmidt: We have to sabotage the date.
Winston: Or we do your thing. Let's do your thing.

Jess: You know, um... If this were a date...
Nick: Yeah, but it wasn't, Jess...
Jess: But, I mean, if it were...
Nick: It wasn't a... And it's probably good because your ex-boyfriend just walked into the restaurant.
Jess: Who?
Nick: The only man we both loved.
Jess: Russell.

Nick: Well, here we are by ourselves.
Jess: What should we do?
Nick: Uh, definitely not make out.
Jess: Definitely not. [both chuckle] Your hand's on my boob.
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: And it's weird.
Nick: Maybe it's less weird because I know that it's weird ... I'm calling it out.
Jess: Doesn't make it less weird.
Nick: Right on.
Jess: So you're an upper-boob guy.
Nick: That's the most underrated part of the boob. It's what I've always said.

Jess: Would you describe this as a sexual act?
Cece: I would describe that as the pledge of allegiance, which can be sexual. Why?
Jess: Because this is what I got from Nick. Just out of the blue. No reason. Our relationship's so confusing. But this is Nick we're talking about. He's never gonna tell me how he feels. It's always gonna be weird. And I have to stop expecting for it to... change. What?
Cece: You realize your hand is still on your boob, right?
Jess: I can't explain it, it's... it's, like, really calming me down.

Nick: I have a lot of thoughts on this, but first, Schmidt, I have a favor. It's about my clothes.
Schmidt: Burn them, burn them all.
Nick: No, no, no, no, no, I have a date tonight, and, you know, there's a lot of women who sleep with you, and I can't figure out why, so maybe it's about clothes, and maybe...
Schmidt: Are you asking me if I'll help you pick out clothing so you can seduce a woman?
Nick: I was.
Schmidt: I don't know. It's only all I've been wanting for the past ten years, Nick.

Schmidt: Yes, that is how you wrap a son of a bitch in wool. Now, if somebody asks you who you're wearing tonight, what do you say?
Nick: I don't want to do that.
Schmidt: Do it, bro.
Nick: I don't want to do that.
Schmidt: Do it.
Nick: [spins around] I'm wearing Schmidt.

Schmidt: Okay, now, here's some things you want to hide about yourself on tonight's date, okay?
Nick: Definitely, yeah.
Schmidt: That you're cheap, you're a heavy drinker, you're broke and you have a problem with anger.
Winston: Your car is horrible. So go ahead and take my new Foscapay.
Nick: What's a Foscapay?
Winston: Uh, Ford Escape. I'm still work-shopping nicknames.