Jess: What's wrong?
Nick: Nothing.
Jess: Uh-oh. Looks like we have a little Groundhog Day situation.
Nick: Please don't call it a Groundhog's Day situation.
Jess: Six more weeks of winter. Don't worry. Lie back. I'm gonna take care of this.

Nick: Stop! I have feelings. I didn't like when you did the Captain. It made me feel... bad.
Jess: Okay, I've I've never seen this sober before.
Nick: Stop, it's my turn. You talk too much and it frustrates me. Sometimes you talk even after you've fallen asleep. How do you breathe? Where do you get the words? But it doesn't matter, Jess, because I like you a lot. But maybe do that less, okay?
Jess: Nick, I just feel... Sorry. I'm so sorry. Just keep going.
Nick: I don't know. Um, I really like the instrument of the cello. I like the cello a lot, and I don't talk about it a lot but I should because I feel very passionate about it. It's a beautiful instrument. It's like a guitar but it stands up. I once saw a zebra named Gavin give birth at the zoo, and I cried hysterically. And then I bought one of those stretched out pennies that you can get to remember it and then I lost that and I cried again. Sometimes when I smell dust in like an attic or something, like that mothy, dusty, I think about my mother. When I was 14, I saw my mother change, and I saw her whole body naked without underpants on. I really like when a rap song uses a choir. It makes me feel really happy when all those ladies' voices come in and then the guy's rapping. I think it's awesome.

Jess: I don't trust him.
Nick: I know. It's Schmidt we're talking about. After he saw the movie Titanic, he started the Billy Zane fan club.
Jess: What?
Nick: Look it up. They're called the Zaniacs.
Jess: Why does that make me angrier than anything he's ever done?
Nick: I will handle this.
Jess: Okay. And I'm gonna test this cake because I'm so mad at Schmidt.

Jess: What are you talking about? I mean, I don't care, but if I did theoretically.
Schmidt: Theoretically, I would tell you for-for a man whose midsection is basically mush, Nick has had a lot of sex. He's pushed that mush all over town. And you know what, he's got some very weird taste. Dark, real fringe stuff. He likes stuff that they don't even have porn for. And you know, a lot of women wouldn't think to do the Captain in-in bed.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: That was a mistake. I shouldn't have said anything.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: I didn't want to talk about the Captain. It was a thing, and I did and- Do you want a smoothie?
Jess: What's the Captain?
Schmidt: Well, it starts off with... [blender whirs] But you want to clean yourself up immediately. I mean immediately. And then you... [blender whirs] How comfortable are you with racial slurs? Then you... [blender whirs] That's basically it.
Jess: That's what Nick wants in bed?
Schmidt: Yeah, I know. Look, you're probably not up for it. It's my... It's my fault. It's very degrading, it's offensive, and you, you just don't have the time to learn all those dolphin sounds. Are you sure you don't want some of this smoothie? It's straw-bana.

Nick: All right, we live here. Where are we supposed to go?
Jess: This is my fault. 'Cause I'm going through a sexual awakening. It's like I'm tapping into this raw sexual energy that the universe is putting forth. And it's just both imploding and exploding at the same time. And it's kind of like I'm a young nun. And Nick is my sexy monseigneur. And I'm a... I'm just going to shut up.
Winston: Both of you need to shut up, okay? You're having sex, not inventing it. It can't be that good.
Jess: It's good.
Winston: Stop saying, "Squeeze my biscuits." I'm serious, Nick.
Nick: Sorry.
Winston: And, Schmidt, stop taking it out on everybody else, man. Deal with your breakups. Ain't no way in hell I got a cat brothel going on in my room and I'm the only normal person in this loft.

Jess: Who was I supposed to talk to, Nick? Every time I tried to talk to you about your penis problems, you went to move your car.
Nick: Those aren't penis problems. What is- Did you talk to Winston about my penis problems? What about Cece, did she get a call?
Jess: He wasn't around. Schmidt told me he had a PhD in Nickology.
Nick: He doesn't. There's no such-
Jess: We have to talk about our feelings 'cause we're together.
Nick: If we needed to talk about feelings, they would be called "talkings."

Winston: Look at him. Yeah, we had a tough day today at the V-E-T. Yeah, they said he's gonna have to get It rhymes with "fleutered." The word is neutered.
Nick: Cats don't speak English.
Winston: Furguson's never gonna experience actual, physical lovemaking.
Jess: Do you think you're a little too into your cat?
Winston: He should be out there, just getting all crazy, getting his freak on. [sighs] I feel bad, man. I don't know what to do.

Winston: Does she have all her shots?
Pet Store Owner: Yep.
Winston: Okay, cool, cool. Um, let me ask you this. Uh, does she strike you as, um, I don't know, slutty?

Jess: Oh, my birth control pills.
Nick: You don't want to do this, my man.
Schmidt: Yes, I do want to do this. It's the only way to get this place back to the way that it was.
Jess: Put them down. Give them to me.
Nick: Give them to Jess. Come on, buddy, it's not worth it.
Schmidt: No fear! Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.
Jess: Oh, my God.
Nick: Why didn't you just throw them in the sink, you idiot.
Jess: You better pray that was a placebo week.
Kylie: Is he eating birth control pills?
Schmidt: Friday! Full wheel, bitches! I win.

Schmidt: This is my home, too. I shouldn't have to be faced with their stupid, happy relationship everywhere I look. This is going to stop, Winston, and I'm gonna stop it.
Winston: Well, my advice to you is to stay in your foxhole, keep your head down and invest in one of these babies. Watch your butt, Furguson. This is my survival kit. Check this out, man. Blindfold. Get this bell wrapped around my neck so he can hear when I'm coming.
Schmidt: Every couple has a weakness. Kate and Will, I could break them up with one e-mail. Oh, look at that, look at the royal baby now, living with slutty Aunt Pippa.