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‘The Captain’ Quotes

New Girl: The Captain

304. The Captain

Aired October 8, 2013

Schmidt tries to break Jess and Nick up. Meanwhile, Winston wants to get Furguson laid before he's neutered.

Quote from Jess

Jess: What's wrong?
Nick: Nothing.
Jess: Uh-oh. Looks like we have a little Groundhog Day situation.
Nick: Please don't call it a Groundhog's Day situation.
Jess: Six more weeks of winter. Don't worry. Lie back. I'm gonna take care of this.

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Quote from Nick

Nick: Stop! I have feelings. I didn't like when you did the Captain. It made me feel... bad.
Jess: Okay, I've I've never seen this sober before.
Nick: Stop, it's my turn. You talk too much and it frustrates me. Sometimes you talk even after you've fallen asleep. How do you breathe? Where do you get the words? But it doesn't matter, Jess, because I like you a lot. But maybe do that less, okay?
Jess: Nick, I just feel... Sorry. I'm so sorry. Just keep going.
Nick: I don't know. Um, I really like the instrument of the cello. I like the cello a lot, and I don't talk about it a lot but I should because I feel very passionate about it. It's a beautiful instrument. It's like a guitar but it stands up. I once saw a zebra named Gavin give birth at the zoo, and I cried hysterically. And then I bought one of those stretched out pennies that you can get to remember it and then I lost that and I cried again. Sometimes when I smell dust in like an attic or something, like that mothy, dusty, I think about my mother. When I was 14, I saw my mother change, and I saw her whole body naked without underpants on. I really like when a rap song uses a choir. It makes me feel really happy when all those ladies' voices come in and then the guy's rapping. I think it's awesome.

Quote from Nick

Jess: I don't trust him.
Nick: I know. It's Schmidt we're talking about. After he saw the movie Titanic, he started the Billy Zane fan club.
Jess: What?
Nick: Look it up. They're called the Zaniacs.
Jess: Why does that make me angrier than anything he's ever done?
Nick: I will handle this.
Jess: Okay. And I'm gonna test this cake because I'm so mad at Schmidt.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: What are you talking about? I mean, I don't care, but if I did theoretically.
Schmidt: Theoretically, I would tell you for-for a man whose midsection is basically mush, Nick has had a lot of sex. He's pushed that mush all over town. And you know what, he's got some very weird taste. Dark, real fringe stuff. He likes stuff that they don't even have porn for. And you know, a lot of women wouldn't think to do the Captain in-in bed.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: That was a mistake. I shouldn't have said anything.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: I didn't want to talk about the Captain. It was a thing, and I did and- Do you want a smoothie?
Jess: What's the Captain?
Schmidt: Well, it starts off with... [blender whirs] But you want to clean yourself up immediately. I mean immediately. And then you... [blender whirs] How comfortable are you with racial slurs? Then you... [blender whirs] That's basically it.
Jess: That's what Nick wants in bed?
Schmidt: Yeah, I know. Look, you're probably not up for it. It's my... It's my fault. It's very degrading, it's offensive, and you, you just don't have the time to learn all those dolphin sounds. Are you sure you don't want some of this smoothie? It's straw-bana.

Quote from Winston

Nick: All right, we live here. Where are we supposed to go?
Jess: This is my fault. 'Cause I'm going through a sexual awakening. It's like I'm tapping into this raw sexual energy that the universe is putting forth. And it's just both imploding and exploding at the same time. And it's kind of like I'm a young nun. And Nick is my sexy monseigneur. And I'm a... I'm just going to shut up.
Winston: Both of you need to shut up, okay? You're having sex, not inventing it. It can't be that good.
Jess: It's good.
Winston: Stop saying, "Squeeze my biscuits." I'm serious, Nick.
Nick: Sorry.
Winston: And, Schmidt, stop taking it out on everybody else, man. Deal with your breakups. Ain't no way in hell I got a cat brothel going on in my room and I'm the only normal person in this loft.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Look at him. Yeah, we had a tough day today at the V-E-T. Yeah, they said he's gonna have to get It rhymes with "fleutered." The word is neutered.
Nick: Cats don't speak English.
Winston: Furguson's never gonna experience actual, physical lovemaking.
Jess: Do you think you're a little too into your cat?
Winston: He should be out there, just getting all crazy, getting his freak on. [sighs] I feel bad, man. I don't know what to do.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Does she have all her shots?
Pet Store Owner: Yep.
Winston: Okay, cool, cool. Um, let me ask you this. Uh, does she strike you as, um, I don't know, slutty?

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Oh, my birth control pills.
Nick: You don't want to do this, my man.
Schmidt: Yes, I do want to do this. It's the only way to get this place back to the way that it was.
Jess: Put them down. Give them to me.
Nick: Give them to Jess. Come on, buddy, it's not worth it.
Schmidt: No fear! Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.
Jess: Oh, my God.
Nick: Why didn't you just throw them in the sink, you idiot.
Jess: You better pray that was a placebo week.
Kylie: Is he eating birth control pills?
Schmidt: Friday! Full wheel, bitches! I win.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Who was I supposed to talk to, Nick? Every time I tried to talk to you about your penis problems, you went to move your car.
Nick: Those aren't penis problems. What is- Did you talk to Winston about my penis problems? What about Cece, did she get a call?
Jess: He wasn't around. Schmidt told me he had a PhD in Nickology.
Nick: He doesn't. There's no such-
Jess: We have to talk about our feelings 'cause we're together.
Nick: If we needed to talk about feelings, they would be called "talkings."

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: This is my home, too. I shouldn't have to be faced with their stupid, happy relationship everywhere I look. This is going to stop, Winston, and I'm gonna stop it.
Winston: Well, my advice to you is to stay in your foxhole, keep your head down and invest in one of these babies. Watch your butt, Furguson. This is my survival kit. Check this out, man. Blindfold. Get this bell wrapped around my neck so he can hear when I'm coming.
Schmidt: Every couple has a weakness. Kate and Will, I could break them up with one e-mail. Oh, look at that, look at the royal baby now, living with slutty Aunt Pippa.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Let's try to help. We got three smart people here. We all know we got to get Furguson laid, right? Cat bachelor party.
Jess: That's right.
Nick: What do you think?
Jess: Yeah, get some little cat strippers.
Nick: Big booty cats, little booty cats. Some tabbies. Some black ones, some white ones.
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: We'll mix it up. Get us a couple Siamese, get weird with it.
Winston: Get him laid?
Nick: You know we're kidding?
Winston: Sure, sure, sure, sure. Gotcha. [whispers] It's happening.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Hey, dummy, why'd you get us that cake?
Schmidt: Come on, man, I'm just happy for you. Looking at a-a month? A big month, man. How many relationships have you had that have lasted more than a month?
Nick: I don't know, some.
Schmidt: Probably very few, probably very, very few, right? I mean, you think it's less than two?
Nick: One, it's Caroline, you know.
Schmidt: One? Are you kidding me, man? It's insane. That's so few, but I guess you only need one, right, the one. Too soon?
Nick: I'm really happy, Schmidt.
Schmidt: You should be, man. Look at you. You're like a different guy. Usually at this point, you're overthinking and anxious and panicky and overthinking and overthinking and distant and nervous and sweaty and overthinking.
Nick: You're trying to get in my head, and it's not gonna work.
Schmidt: Who could, man? Look at you. You're cool as a cucumber. You're Obama on the ski slopes. Now, get out there. Enjoy that cake with the woman that you love. Too soon? Forget about it.

Quote from Winston

Kylie: Who are you here to pick up?
Winston: Well, actually, uh, my boy cat is looking for a girl cat.
Kylie: Oh. Well, I might know a girl cat who's looking for a boy cat.
Winston: Oh, yeah?
Kylie: Mm-hmm.
Winston: Does the girl cat have all her parts?
Kylie: Um, yeah.
Winston: Yes? Uh, okay. Well, um, I don't know, maybe, uh, she could come over sometime?
Kylie: Like, our cats could go on a date?
Winston: Yes, you get it. You know, everyone else thought I was being weird. So, um, how often do you groom your cat?

Quote from Nick

Jess: I just want to know what I did wrong. How does the Captain normally go?
Nick: The what?
Jess: The Captain. What we just did.
Nick: I've never done that in my life. We did that because you wanted to, Jess.
Jess: What?! Why would I want to do that? That's degrading to not only women but all of mankind, Nick.
Nick: I know.
Jess: I only did that 'cause Schmidt told me it was your favorite thing-
Nick: Did you say, 'cause Schmidt said? No, no, no, no. Did you just- Did you talk to tight pants and eyebrows?

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: I trusted you. You took advantage of me.
Schmidt: Something wrong?
Jess: You set us up. I've done things to Nick I can't ever undo.
Schmidt: You see, your fatal flaw: communication. You won't shut up about your feelings, and the only thing this dummy wants to talk about is the Chicago Brown Bears.
Nick: It's just the Chicago Bears. There's no brown.
Schmidt: Who cares? I put a pebble in your path and the two of you cracked your tiny little skulls on it. Ooh, by the way, how was the Captain? Did you make it all the way to the spyglass?
Jess: Yes, Schmidt! And my night vision's very good 'cause my eyes are so buggy and big and I saw everything and I can't erase it from my memory.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: No kissing in the living room! No. No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! Cease lovemaking! All lovemaking must cease.
Jess: Get out of here, Schmidt!
Schmidt: Break up! Just break up already, pl- Oh, forget it. I'm just I'm-I'm-
Jess: Hey, no, no. What are you doing?
Nick: Oh, my God, he just hit my sack.
Schmidt: Body block! I'm pure core. I've been training for this. Yeah, human dental dam.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Okay, that's a good segue to some of the more relevant topics that I would like to cover in this meeting. Like, uh, personal space. Public space. Other people's medicines: taking them versus not taking them.
Schmidt: I am so aware of my nipples right now.
Winston: Okay, that's a good start.
Schmidt: If someone were to blow on my nipples, I would positively scream.
Winston: Boundaries. Any takers?

Quote from Nick

Jess: I love it.
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: I don't- I don't know what it is.
Nick: All right, then yell something. [Jess yells] I soundproofed it.
Winston: [enters] What's wrong? I just heard yelling.
Nick: Get out of here, man. [Winston exits] He must- He must've literally been right by the door. It is soundproofed. That's what the egg crates are for.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Nick, I just want to say something. Um... This last month has been the best month of my life.
Nick: Me, too. I've never, you know, felt this way or had this with anybody. It's like there's been this fog around my life, and with you, all of a sudden it's gone.
Jess: I love that you can express your feelings now.
Nick: Yeah, it's a weird feeling. It's kind of like gross but also good.You know? It's like an egg broke. And then, like, all the yolk comes out but it's good. I'm happy to admit I like love songs. I understand them. They're really sad. They're mostly about either the girl or the guy got away. They're heartbreaking numbers. The air-- Do you feel it? I guess this is the air you breathe, but it's nice. I feel like I'm on this whole new planet.
Jess: How about your two favorite planets? [undresses]
Nick: Oh, yeah, those are great. But I also feel like being with you, I've finally, for the first time, and I know this sounds crazy, but I can see the stars.


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