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‘Exes’ Quotes Page 1 of 5    

New Girl: Exes

315. Exes

Aired February 4, 2014

After an awkward encounter with Caroline, Jess tries to convince Nick you can be friends with your ex. Meanwhile, Schmidt invites Winston and Coach to tour his new apartment.

Quote from Nick

Jess: I don't understand. You guys talked for 30 minutes. How did our relationship not come up?
Nick: 'Cause I got scared. There were so many things that I wanted to tell her.
[flashback:]
Nick: You ever thought how weird it would be if you just gave up your thumb? You just didn't have a thumb. I mean, how would you give a thumbs up? Just like this? [cut] I think a guy died in the building, 'cause one day in the Dumpster is a bunch of clothes that just fit me. [cut; British accent:] What I like to do now is take the Underground, yeah? Spend my quid. Cheers?

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Quote from Jess

Jess: I did not steal your boyfriend.
Caroline: Timeline. Now.
Jess: Okay, um you and Nick break up. London has a great Olympics. Uh-oh, trouble in Syria. Board up your windows. Superstorm Sandy. Hey, over here. Me and Nick get together.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Oh, what's that? Uh, you want to watch the game? Which one? Basketball? Football? Of Thrones?
Winston: Oh! That is awesome, man. Look at this place, Schmidt. You got so many plush surfaces.
Schmidt: Well, there are 15 different bang spots in here, each one specifically designated to its own sexual position.
Winston: Mm.
Schmidt: That's standing, this is sitting, that's diagonal.
Winston: That's how I do it.
Schmidt: The "Why? Why? Because." The "Closure of the Lincoln Tunnel." The "Red Beanbag Chair." Which is pretty obvious, but, you know, that's a good one. The "Glass Menagerie." The "Bike Share."

Quote from Jess

Jess: Um, okay, well, um this has been a really, um, neat talk, so, um I'm gonna go sit in the shower, and, um, go over the greatest hits in my mind.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Yeah, that's true. I mean, I'm friends with all my exes...
Jess: See?
Winston: ...families.
Nick: Ha-ha! See?
Winston: I still send Shelby's dad a Father's Day card, and he still sends me five bucks on my birthday.
Nick: What is wrong with you?
Jess: That's nice.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: What is going on?
Schmidt: May I speak plainly with you, Cecilia? I'm in a bit of a sexual drought. The Good Valley Schmidt hasn't seen rain in months.
Cece: You're just you're giving off a creepy vibe. All right? Living alone is messing up your game and it's making you weird.
Schmidt: Yeah, but I love living alone.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Where are you, grapes? Grápés. Great apes. Grapes, we have you surrounded. Come out with your stems up! [sobs while eating grapes]

Quote from Jess

Jess: You and Caroline still need some closure.
Nick: Well, what do you want me to say? That I walked out on her and now I'm dating you?
Jess: We started dating, like, a year after you broke up.
Nick: Yeah, but that doesn't matter with her. She's got a crazy streak, and this is bound to set her off. What if she hurts me physically? What if she hurts me with words?
Jess: Just talk to her. Clear the air. You'll feel better, she'll feel better. Besides, Nick, I can't give up that farmer's market. Strolling around, chatting with vendors... It's so nice. I feel like Don Corleone.
Nick: I think a lot of ladies do.

Quote from Jess

Nick: Oh, crap. This is her. She thinks I cheated, Jess.
Jess: You know who you should talk to? Berkley. He's so good at this stuff friendship, closure. Actually, he did write a book about it. It's an e-book. I gave it four stars, but it kind of falls apart at the end. He goes into God in a way I don't think he needs to. You know what? I'm gonna text him

Quote from Nick

Nick: You're leading him on, Jess.
Jess: Oh, Nick.
Nick: You are.
Jess: Berkley's really gonna teach you a lot.
Nick: Men don't talk to people they've dated unless they want sex, or they're Winston.
Winston: I also want sex.
Coach: Going to Schmidt's. He's been begging us to all week.
Nick: Jess, men are sick. Look, I'm a relatively good guy, but even I'm a sicko. Luckily, we have the Internet as a community of...

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Fellas. You made it. As promised, here's a coupon for a free sub.
Winston: Yup. Probably get ham.
Coach: Wow, man. It's nice inside of here, man.
Winston: Yeah.
Coach: It's like a European airport.

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