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‘Exes’ Quotes

New Girl: Exes

315. Exes

Aired February 4, 2014

After an awkward encounter with Caroline, Jess tries to convince Nick you can be friends with your ex. Meanwhile, Schmidt invites Winston and Coach to tour his new apartment.

Quote from Nick

Jess: I don't understand. You guys talked for 30 minutes. How did our relationship not come up?
Nick: 'Cause I got scared. There were so many things that I wanted to tell her.
[flashback:]
Nick: You ever thought how weird it would be if you just gave up your thumb? You just didn't have a thumb. I mean, how would you give a thumbs up? Just like this? [cut] I think a guy died in the building, 'cause one day in the Dumpster is a bunch of clothes that just fit me. [cut; British accent:] What I like to do now is take the Underground, yeah? Spend my quid. Cheers?

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Quote from Jess

Jess: I did not steal your boyfriend.
Caroline: Timeline. Now.
Jess: Okay, um you and Nick break up. London has a great Olympics. Uh-oh, trouble in Syria. Board up your windows. Superstorm Sandy. Hey, over here. Me and Nick get together.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Oh, what's that? Uh, you want to watch the game? Which one? Basketball? Football? Of Thrones?
Winston: Oh! That is awesome, man. Look at this place, Schmidt. You got so many plush surfaces.
Schmidt: Well, there are 15 different bang spots in here, each one specifically designated to its own sexual position.
Winston: Mm.
Schmidt: That's standing, this is sitting, that's diagonal.
Winston: That's how I do it.
Schmidt: The "Why? Why? Because." The "Closure of the Lincoln Tunnel." The "Red Beanbag Chair." Which is pretty obvious, but, you know, that's a good one. The "Glass Menagerie." The "Bike Share."

Quote from Jess

Jess: Um, okay, well, um this has been a really, um, neat talk, so, um I'm gonna go sit in the shower, and, um, go over the greatest hits in my mind.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Yeah, that's true. I mean, I'm friends with all my exes...
Jess: See?
Winston: ...families.
Nick: Ha-ha! See?
Winston: I still send Shelby's dad a Father's Day card, and he still sends me five bucks on my birthday.
Nick: What is wrong with you?
Jess: That's nice.

Quote from Jess

Jess: You and Caroline still need some closure.
Nick: Well, what do you want me to say? That I walked out on her and now I'm dating you?
Jess: We started dating, like, a year after you broke up.
Nick: Yeah, but that doesn't matter with her. She's got a crazy streak, and this is bound to set her off. What if she hurts me physically? What if she hurts me with words?
Jess: Just talk to her. Clear the air. You'll feel better, she'll feel better. Besides, Nick, I can't give up that farmer's market. Strolling around, chatting with vendors... It's so nice. I feel like Don Corleone.
Nick: I think a lot of ladies do.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: What is going on?
Schmidt: May I speak plainly with you, Cecilia? I'm in a bit of a sexual drought. The Good Valley Schmidt hasn't seen rain in months.
Cece: You're just you're giving off a creepy vibe. All right? Living alone is messing up your game and it's making you weird.
Schmidt: Yeah, but I love living alone.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Where are you, grapes? Grápés. Great apes. Grapes, we have you surrounded. Come out with your stems up! [sobs while eating grapes]

Quote from Jess

Nick: Oh, crap. This is her. She thinks I cheated, Jess.
Jess: You know who you should talk to? Berkley. He's so good at this stuff friendship, closure. Actually, he did write a book about it. It's an e-book. I gave it four stars, but it kind of falls apart at the end. He goes into God in a way I don't think he needs to. You know what? I'm gonna text him

Quote from Nick

Nick: You're leading him on, Jess.
Jess: Oh, Nick.
Nick: You are.
Jess: Berkley's really gonna teach you a lot.
Nick: Men don't talk to people they've dated unless they want sex, or they're Winston.
Winston: I also want sex.
Coach: Going to Schmidt's. He's been begging us to all week.
Nick: Jess, men are sick. Look, I'm a relatively good guy, but even I'm a sicko. Luckily, we have the Internet as a community of...

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Fellas. You made it. As promised, here's a coupon for a free sub.
Winston: Yup. Probably get ham.
Coach: Wow, man. It's nice inside of here, man.
Winston: Yeah.
Coach: It's like a European airport.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: The "Backwards Oops."
Coach: What is "backwards oops"?
Winston: You don't want to put it... mm.
Coach: You don't know what it means.
Winston: I mean, I don't... I've done it, I've done it, but I didn't know I was doing it. You know, it was...

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Guys, hang out here anytime you want. Even now. Who's thirsty? Right there.
Coach: Dude!
Winston: Shut up! Damn, man. You're like James Bond. But I'll be I'll be Moneypenny for sure.
Coach: Yeah.
Winston: Wait, which one is Moneypenny?
Coach: It's the woman.
Winston: Oh.

Quote from Jess

Berkley: It was a classic fatherhood metaphor. No, my-my point is you just need to face her and let her get it all off her chest.
Nick: Oh, I feel like I've done that.
Jess: No, you didn't. You just talked and talked about nothing for 30 minutes.
Berkley: Okay, look, I know it's hard. I know that, man. I'm here and I'm hearing it. I mean, when Jess and I did this, I think we cried for, like two days?
Jess: I mean, at least. But look. Now I have such a good friend, and we talk all the time, and he's such a good listener.
Berkley: Say what? I can't hear you. [both laugh]
Nick: Is this real? You guys saw each other naked, and now you're friends?
Jess: Yes, it's the purest form of friendship. Straight Leno and Eubanks. [Berkley giggles]

Quote from Nick

Nick: Okay, I took your advice.
Berkley: What do we got? "My bad. Let's be friends, 'kay?"
Nick: Smooth, but tough.
Jess: That's not good, Nick.
Berkley: Friendship is a, um it's like a beautiful flower. You have to nourish it, okay? You can't just buy it at a store.
Nick: All right. First of all, it was a draft, okay, and I'll fix it. And second of all, with all due respect, you can buy a flower at a store. [laughs] Millered!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I know as an angel you usually sleep in heaven, but would you care to spend the evening at my place?
Sarah: I think maybe I would.
Schmidt: Fantastic choice. Here's my address. There's usually no place to park.
Sarah: Well, so where would I...?
Schmidt: You're a big girl. You'll figure it out. [leaves, returns] Uh, just tr-try south of Sixth. There's usually a string of open spaces down there. And there's not a right turn on red on Fifth, just FYI.

Quote from Coach

Leslie: Oh, hi. Are you Schmidt's friend?
Schmidt: What? Sch-Schmidt's friend?
Coach: [enters] Where you at? 'Cause I'm ready to ea... [squeals] Hey! My good friend Frank Scabopolis! Ah, give me a hug, you Greek son of a bitch! Come here!

Quote from Schmidt

Coach: What are you doing?
Schmidt: What are you doing? And t-tell her that I'd like to be reimbursed for those strawberries.
Coach: What? Dude.
Schmidt: Why is she calling you Schmidt?
Coach: I told her my name was Schmidt in case we saw your mail.
Schmidt: I don't just leave mail out. This isn't a small business. Get out.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Dude, I'm about to seal the deal. I'm not getting out.
Schmidt: I'm about to I'm- I'm a deal sealer.
Coach: I'm about to get some squish, dude, and you need to not get in between that.
Schmidt: I'm about to nail it into the wall.
Coach: Dude, I'm about to take down that va-dragon. I'm about to pin the tail on the va-donkey, dude. You better not stand in the way of this.
Schmidt: Don't call her a va-donkey. I don't even know her well and I want her to leave, but please don't call her - a va-d va-donkey.
Coach: I won't.
Schmidt: All right.

Quote from Nick

Berkley: May, 2004. You brushed my hand at Dave Matthews concert during "Two Step."
Nick: "Two Step"?
Jess: Oh, my God.
Berkley: Or that time that I helped you move, and I came over, I was wearing sweatpants. You couldn't stop staring at my rig.
Nick: She loves looking at rigs.
Jess: Why are you calling it a rig?!
Berkley: You're doing it again.
Nick: [pounding on door continues] One second, Caroline!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Coach, you stay with your girl who thinks that you're me in my bedroom. Winston, you stay in the guest room with Bertie doing whatever the hell it is you guys are doing.
Coach: Gross.
Schmidt: I'm gonna keep Sarah... Almost there! I'm gonna keep Sarah in the living room, using one of the living-dining-open-floor-plan bang spots. Now, no exits, no entrances, no Noises Off baloney. Capeesh? Confirm my capeesh!
Coach: [gibberish]
Winston: Capeesh!
Schmidt: Let's go. Do it. All right. [they go off in seperate directions] Guys, guys.
Coach: This is the exact type of baloney that I'm talking about. Unbelievable. Guys, guys! I'm really glad that we're doing this.

Quote from Coach

Leslie: Who the hell are you?
Sarah: Who the hell are you?
Leslie: Schmidt.
Coach: What?
Leslie: Frank Scabopolis is up in here making out with some bitch.
Schmidt: That's not necessary. I mean...
Sarah: Who's Frank Scabopolis? Aren't you Schmidt?!
Schmidt: I-I am Schmidt.
Leslie: I thought you were Schmidt.
Coach: I am Schmidt. Uh, w-we're brothers.
Schmidt: We are, we're-we're brothers. What an upbringing that was.
Coach: Yeah, same mom, different dads. One browner.
Leslie: Then who the hell is Frank Scabopolis?
Sarah: Yeah.
Winston: [enters] I am Frank Scabopolis! [quietly] Is this helping, Schmidt? I forgot the plan.
Schmidt: Winston, please shut up.

Quote from Schmidt

Coach: You could use that for something.
Schmidt: That's the "Glass Menagerie."
Coach: Yeah.
Schmidt: I'll sit her down right on top of that.
Coach: Oh, absolutely.
Schmidt: The, uh, "Star 68."
Coach: Where's that at?
Schmidt: Right there on that pillow.
Coach: Oh. Wow.
Schmidt: The "Jumanji."
Coach: Yeah, you do the the "U Lock" on here. That'd be cool.
Schmidt: The "Jean-Michel Basquiat."
Winston: Oh, okay.
Schmidt: The "Fabric Softener." That's the "Kansas City Shaker."
Coach: This, right here? I like that.
Schmidt: Yeah. Back there, that's the "Nia Vardalos."
Winston: Ooh. Nice.
Coach: That's nice, dude.
Schmidt: That one's "sex on the Rug," which is and, again, it's pretty obvious. But that's you know, why mess with a classic?


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