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‘Wig’ Quotes

New Girl: Wig

507. Wig

Aired February 16, 2016

After Nick keeps interrupting Schmidt and Cece's personal time to avoid Reagan, they make up a lie to turn him off her. Meanwhile, Winston tries to help Reagan break up with her girlfriend.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: You know, when we first met, I had to pretend that all kinds of things were wrong with you just so I wouldn't freak out. You know, like, I gave you a glass eye for a while. You had a wooden foot for a short period of time. There was one week where I pretended that you were a Democrat.
Cece: I am a Democrat.
Schmidt: [laughing] Ah, that's so funny. I love you.
Cece: Okay. So we tell Nick she has a glass eye.
Schmidt: He'll spin out. He'll think the eye is a government-issued camera taking pictures for Langley. [Cece scoffs] Nick's a conspiracy theorist. It's like an Irish carnival up there-- just potato peels, broken rides, fiddle music, dreams left unfulfilled, bloodied soccer jerseys, bunch of women limping around named Moira.

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Quote from Winston

Winston: Okay. So I'm Camilla. Break up with me.
Reagan: [clears throat] [scoffs] Camilla...
Winston: Yes, baby. I love you so much.
Reagan: We have had a lot of really good times together, and I just...
Winston: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my goodness, oh, my God! I knew this was comin'. Oh, my God, oh, my goodness.
Reagan: What-what are you doing?
Winston: Oh, no. Are you breaking up with me? Why you hate me? Why you hate me so much?
Reagan: I don't... I don't hate you. I don't hate you.
Winston: Oh, my God, you don't? Oh, my goodness. So you're not breaking up with me. We're gonna have such a happy life together.
Reagan: I-I... I am. I am breaking up with you.
Winston: Oh, my God, you is breakin' up with me. Why you is breakin' up with me and stuff? Yo, this is mad crazy. I'm pregnant with your child. Okay.
Reagan: That isn't possible.
Winston: Yeah, his name is D'Lante.
Reagan: We would never name our child that.
Winston: Yeah. D-apostrophe-Lante.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Come on, come on, come on, come on. Oh! Jackpot. Ribbons! Oh, these are probably Jess's.
Schmidt: Nick, stop. You should not be in here.
Nick: I am learning so much about you, Reagan. An Ohio State T-shirt. Cash from Canada. It's Canadian cash. A picture of a little boy. This woman is like an orange. You peel a layer, there's another layer there.
Schmidt: You're thinking of an onion. An orange only has one layer. Oh, you poor thing.

Quote from Winston

Camilla: Are you really gonna let her get away with this? You must know how this makes me feel. You've clearly been dumped many times.
Winston: Why do people keep saying that?
Camilla: You ordered a Shirley Temple.
Winston: It's a virgin Denzel.

Quote from Reagan

Reagan: What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? I am hooking up with her. I'm dating her a little bit, but I'm over it, and I'm trying to avoid her. What are you telling people I'm here for a month for?
Winston: Oh, you see what we're doing right now? We're vibing, we're talking about stuff! Okay, now it's my turn. Let me do you. Um... I think I swallowed a Band-Aid earlier.
Reagan: Now I have to dump her, and I have never dumped anybody before. I don't know how. I travel so much that I usually just disappear.
Winston: Wow. Okay. I will help you break up with her.
Reagan: Why? 'Cause you've been dumped, like, a million times?
Winston: No. Because I'm your roommate, and we have each other's backs. Wait a minute. What makes you think I've been dumped a lot?
Reagan: Please. I read you guys the moment I got there. Nick's deal is, he honest-to-God might be 50. Schmidt's deal is he had to Shazam "Stairway to Heaven." And your deal is you've been dumped a lot.
Winston: You're pretty good. You're pretty good.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Nick, we're making sex.
Nick: It hasn't started yet. It's not sex until you put the straw in the coconut.
Schmidt: It's called foreplay, you tween. You don't just buy a Porsche off the lot and immediately enter it in the Groser Preis von Deutschland.
Nick: What?
Schmidt: The Groser Preis von Deutschland.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Reagan, I have been broken up with so many times in so many different places. Um, multiple parks, coffee shops, uh, Santa's lap, Kitchen Stadium on Iron Chef, airplanes in economy, economy select, economy comfort, platinum economy, all covered in butterflies...
Reagan: I feel like we have established your credentials.

Quote from Nick

Cece: Who has fake I.D.'s?
Nick: I'll tell you who. Con men. Grifters. It's all starting to make sense to me. Check this out. Let me break this down for you. Okay? She and her bastard son...
Schmidt: Or her nephew.
Nick: ...who she had with the Ohio State professor, go town to town, selling... let's say fake pills. Pills. Doctor. Pharmacy. Whatever she does. To a bunch of maple-sucking tree huggers. Aka those lovely stoners from the north, our Canadian brothers and sisters.

Quote from Reagan

Reagan: Look, Camilla, I, uh... I don't want to... I don't want to hurt you.
Camilla: Just say it.
Reagan: Okay. [clears throat] The truth is... ...that I'm a criminal.
Winston: What?
Reagan: I'm a criminal. You shouldn't be with me. I'm disgusting. Things I've done. Things I'm capable of. Hard life, short life-- I probably won't live that long.
Camilla: I can't believe this.
Nick: She's a criminal. Filthy. Disgusting crimes. One of the worst human beings I've ever met in my life.
Camilla: And who are you?
Nick: I'm her, uh, co-criminal. Co-gangster. We run the streets together. From Bangkok to Chicago to here. Just murdering people. My name is Nick. On the streets, they call me, uh...
Reagan: Sharky.
Nick: Sharky, that's right. 'Cause I attack from beneath up.
Cece: It's all true, Camilla. And her name is not Reagan. It's Suzi Shimizu. [hands over ID]
Camilla: You're Japanese?
Reagan: Very much so.

Quote from Nick

Winston: Hey. Uh, where'd you get these burritos? From the spot on the corner?
Nick: Mmm. Yeah, the spot on the corner.
Winston: You know I helped a lady give birth in the kitchen?
Cece: Ugh.
Nick: That's disgusting. [keeps eating] A baby in the middle of the place.
Schmidt: I knew that wasn't going to stop you. Disgusting.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I can't be normal around Reagan. She's too hot and mysterious. I mean, I haven't peed in four days, which is alarming because I have been drinking constantly. [drinks] Yep. Nothing.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Why don't you just be honest about why you're breaking up with her?
Reagan: I don't... know. I just feel like it's over.
Winston: Let me tell you about some reasons why I've been broken up with. Um, "you're too nasty in bed,
Winston." Or "you remind me of my brother, Winston." Or... or "Winston, you spend too much time in the butterfly house."

Quote from Nick

Nick: Maybe Winston was right. How well do we know this Reagan character? I mean, sure, she wears a wig. Not a big deal. Or, let me ask you, is it a big deal? Ask yourself, what type of person wears a wig? A bald person? Sure. I'll say so. They're bald. Somebody hiding something? Definitely.
Cece: Okay, look. Maybe she's not hiding anything, all right? Beyoncé, Beyoncé wears wigs, and you would trust Beyoncé with your life.
Nick: Yeah, I'd trust Beyoncé with my life.
[flashback:]
Nick: [sings] Ride it with my surfboard Surfboard, surfboard Bringin' on that wood, oh, baby, bringin' on that wood!
[present:]
Nick: We be all night. We be all night.
Cece: Nick, is it possible that you are maybe overthinking this just a little bit, okay? 'Cause, look, Reagan is
a really good roommate. She's quiet, she pays, she takes care of her room.
Nick: Her room. That's it. Great thinking. That's why I love you. That's why. Not physically. Uh, but as a person. Like, um, it's not sexual. I love you like a mother or a sister or a girlfriend. It's not sexual. Her room!

Quote from Nick

Cece: Okay, someone has to put everything back exactly like they found it.
Schmidt: Well, it clearly is gonna be me, 'cause I'm the only one who can fold. Nick, what are you doing?
Nick: I'm making a mess, but I'm finding the truth.
Schmidt: Okay, I'm gonna end this. Nick, Reagan doesn't wear a wig. We made the whole thing up.
Nick: But I smelled it and I saw it. We couldn't get you out of our room. Why would you lie to me?
Schmidt: Well, we wouldn't need to lie to you if you would just talk to Reagan instead of hiding out in my room with your cheap Southwestern food.
Nick: Talk to her? Like a normal human being?
Schmidt: Yes, that's exactly what I want you to do.
Cece: Yes. Mm-hmm.
Nick: I have nothing in common with that woman. She is a goddess who's descended from the heavens. And I'm just a mud man from the bowels of Chicago.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: We all owe you an apology for... pretty much everything. I'm sorry that we went through your room.
Reagan: Well, that's not what I'm upset about. I mean, I went through all of your rooms when I first moved in.
Cece: Excuse me?
Schmidt: Wait, you went through our rooms?
Nick: Oh, no.
Reagan: How else am I supposed to get to know you? But the point is I didn't jump to conclusions. I mean, Nick has a two-by-four in his room with a nail in it. I didn't assume he was building a human cage.
Nick: I'm building a tree house.
Schmidt: You're doing wha... you're building a tree house? Well, why am I not involved? Why is Cece not involved? We want to be involved.
Cece: Oh, I'm involved. So's Winston.
Schmidt: What? Everyone's involved in the tree house but I? Forget about it. Reagan, how would you like
to build a tree house with me?
Reagan: No.
Nick: Reagan, we already got plans, we already got a two-by-four.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: We happen... we happen to all be Japanese. The unlucky offspring of a couple very lucky American GIs.
Nick: Unnecessary backstory.
Schmidt: Yeah, they call me the Moyel on the streets, 'cause I will, uh... [clicks tongue] ...cut your penis off. Isn't that right, Sharky?
Nick: You're on your own, Moyel.
Cece: And they call me Cece, but spelled S-I-S-I, with an accent over the last I. I am spinning out here, Moyel.
You got to help me.
Schmidt: Why don't you go spin all the way over to your tree house?
Winston: Schmidt knows about the tree house?


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