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‘Katie’ Quotes

New Girl: Katie

202. Katie

Aired September 25, 2012

When Jess goes off the grid after losing her job, she pretends to be somebody's blind date. Nick meets a man who claims to be an older version of his. Meanwhile, Winston's family comes to town.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Let's just say, hypothetically, we live in a world where time travel exists, okay? So if that is the case...
Schmidt: One, Marie Antoinette. Two, Cleopatra. Three, young Ann-Margret. Four, old Ann-Margret.
Nick: Would you shut up, you clown?! I'm being serious! I'm talking about real time travel here, Schmidty.
Schmidt: And I made an astute observation off of that.

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Quote from Jess

Jess: Okay, look, I had the best sex of my life last night. He brewed me like a fine chamomile.
Nick: Oh, so that was you. I thought that was a couple bums fighting.
Jess: It wasn't.. It was me having sex. I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down, I became a werewolf, I scared some teenagers. I came back into my body. Only thing is, he thinks my name is Katie. And that I'm a dancer and/or something involving puppets.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: I might have met future me.
Schmidt: Who knows about this?
Nick: Nobody. You're the first person I've told, obviously.
Schmidt: Whoa.
Nick: If I find out how you die, do you want me to tell you?
Schmidt: Don't worry. I already know. It's one of these moles. See this little S.O.B. right there?
Nick: That's the guy?
Schmidt: I've been eyeing him for a while. That's one's gonna turn green one day, and then [snaps fingers] there you go. Schmidt's dead.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Katie... Has a job, y'all. I think I should just stay Katie.
Schmidt: Maybe you should watch a cautionary tale that I like to call The Nutty Professor.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Do I ever finish writing my zombie book?
Older Nick: Z is for Zombie?
Nick: Great title. Do we ever get rich and famous?
Older Nick: Three words: Hot, air, balloon.
Nick: Do we invent them? No, they've been invented.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Jess, are you cooking a frittata in a saucepan? What is this, prison?

Quote from Jess

Jess: He says, "Can't stop thinking" about what you're gonna wear tonight." How do I respond?
Cece: With a simple...
Jess: Mm-hmm.
Cece: "Or not wear."
Jess: Okay.
Cece: Okay?
Jess: "Or not wear because sex happens naked." Send.
Cece: Okay, let me help you with that. "Just kidding. Get ready for a night you will never forget." Okay?
Jess: "Because once you see my body, you will go brain-dead and have memory loss." Send. Oh, no. Autocorrect changed "body" to "meat bar."

Quote from Jess

Nick: Jess, can I have a word with you? Take a break! You're looking at this the wrong way. This is the first time you don't have to be anywhere or do anything.
Jess: Right.
Nick: You could make weird art or... don't make weird art. But the point is you can do whatever you want. You could go off the grid. You could be an outlaw.
Jess: I'm not really someone who goes off the grid, Nick.
[later, at the bar:]
Jess: Whoo-hoo! I'm off the grid! I'm so far off the grid, that everybody's all, "She's off the grid!" And then I'm all, "I don't play by your rules." I can drink at 11:00... a.m.
Nick: Yeah, that backfired pretty quickly.
Jess: High five.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Winston, I need you to be honest with me, okay?
Winston: Yeah.
Schmidt: Does your mother not like me?
Winston: Yes.
Schmidt: She does, she does not like me?
Winston: Schmidt, she loves you.
Schmidt: Good, good, because, you know, historically speaking, I'm like, catnip to tough-talking African-American women. It's 'cause I don't front, know what I mean?
Winston: Don't do that.
Schmidt: A'ight.
Winston: What is that?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Winston, your sister got so hot. I'm gonna have to Shaq attack her.
Winston: Schmidt.
Schmidt: May I have your blessing? 'Cause I'm gonna be, Like, dribbling up the court.
Winston: Schmidt.
Schmidt: Boom. Technical foul. Boom. Illegal use of the hands. Boom.
Charmaine: Hello, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Charmaine. Charmaine! The loft just became Big Mama's House! Give me a hug.
Charmaine: You gonna take care of this?
Winston: He's dead to me.
Charmaine: Okay.

Quote from Jess

Sam: Hi. Excuse me. Are you Katie? I'm Sam from Cupid Match.
Jess: And I'm the girl from my dreams of you.
Sam: You are Katie, right?
Jess: [clears throat] Yeah.
Sam: Finally.
Jess: I am. I'm Katie. Hi.
Sam: Hi. So many e-mails back and forth. How's the little dog of yours?
Jess: I had to put her-im down on the way here.
Sam: Oh, my God!
Jess: I know.

Quote from Nick

Older Nick: Can I tell you something?
Nick: Uh, not really.
Older Nick: I'm you from the future.
Nick: Well, that's a first.
Older Nick: Nick, I traveled from the future to find you. I'm a time traveler.
Nick: Does everybody tip badly in the future, or is it just you?
Older Nick: You don't believe I'm you, do you?
Nick: Absolutely not.
Older Nick: Well, I know you didn't shower this morning.
Nick: Well, good guess. It's a Wednesday.
Older Nick: I know a girl broke your heart and you gave up on love. I know sometimes you get mad and you don't know why. I know you're a bartender because you like three feet of bar between you and everyone you meet.
Nick: Well, I mean...
Older Nick: Chew on that, you clown.
Nick: Wait. Hey, don't-don't say all that weird stuff and then just leave! You were wrong about the bar! But everything else was right.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: I met me in my bar!
Schmidt: Ask him when I meet Kanye. 'Cause I vision...
Nick: I'm talking about real time travel.
Schmidt: I have visions of me, Kanye, Beyoncé...
Nick: I could figure out what happened...!

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: Wow, Katie's an animal. Katie's the best.
Nick: Nice.
Jess: I love being Katie.
Nick: Vintage Katie.
Schmidt: Like an animal you are.
Jess: Katie knows how the sausage gets made.
Nick: Ew.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Oh, my God. I forgot. I've never had two guys into me before. What's happening?
Schmidt: Jess, I'm gonna tell you what's happening. Okay, there comes a time in every person's life when... for no reason whatsoever they are irresistible to the opposite sex. For me, it was the third night of Hanukkah '96, which I like to refer to as The Night of the Shoshannas.
Nick: For me, it's every time I jet ski.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: And then there's you, who has this raw animal magnetism just dropped in her lap like a sack of taters. What a waste.
Jess: I'm pretty sure it is not a waste.
Schmidt: Oh, it's a waste. Jess, look, you don't have the skill to juggle men.
Nick: You wear a cardigan on top of another cardigan.
Schmidt: We all know you're not the best with doorknobs.
Nick: You can barely hold one thing in each hand.
Schmidt: You tripped the other day just standing there.

Quote from Jess

Jess: What's happening? Okay, but Katie can juggle men. She's out the door before you even know your wallet's gone, son. [phone chimes] Ooh. He wants to cook for me. Is there a hot way of saying I don't feel sexy after I've had a lot of cheese?
Nick: I would say no.


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