Coach: And that... is how babies get made. It's gross, right?
Grace: How does the sperm find the egg?
Coach: Propelled by its tail, the sperm travels up the canal until it reaches the egg. Now, for us, it's only a couple of inches, but for Mr. Sperm there, it's miles away. Miles and miles and miles away. [sighs] It's almost like... why would the egg want to be so far away from the sperm? You know? Like, didn't the egg and the sperm have a great time together? And then you're just gonna pack your bags and leave and go to New York? To play music with some other sperm. You're just-just gonna leave? You're gonna leave your sperm and go play music with other sperms?! [high-pitched] And I'm cool with that! I'm cool with that! You know, I got eggs. I have eggs on deck! This sperm got swag. All those other sperms ain't got swag like me. Can any other sperm sport this much green and still look dope? No! That ain't tight! This is tight! This is tight! [crying] I just want you to come back, and I... [sniffles]
Jess: I guess I chose the wrong day to observe Health.
Coach: [o.s., crying] I miss her! May!

Fawn Moscato: I mean, what do you want? I can get you anything you want. You'll be rich, I'll be powerful.
Schmidt: I'm realizing... just now that it's not what I want. I don't want any of that. I want to be in love. I want to be... I want to be crazy in love.
Fawn Moscato: Okay, well, certainly don't quote Beyoncé and then pretend like you just thought of it.
Schmidt: Uh, uh, I want to be drunk in love.
Fawn Moscato: But that's also a Beyoncé lyric.

Winston: I've never seen Coach go this hard after a breakup, man. You sure he's okay?
Nick: It's good, it's good, it's good. You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol, you treat an inside wound
with drinking alcohol. That's science.
Coach: I feel that, man.

Coach: We did break up though.
Jess: [gasps] Oh, my God, I knew it. I mean, I'm so sorry. What happened?
Coach: May accepted a job in New York as a section musician for the Met.
Schmidt: Oh, has Alan taken a liking to her? Oh, bravo. Good for... You know, I've always been a fan of his. When he conducted, uh, Das Rheingold with the Royal Stockholm Orchestra, it was magnificent.
Nick: Jar or slap?
Schmidt: I don't have any cash on me. [Nick slaps Schmidt]
Coach: Good slap.

Cece: You guys are good, then? You know, 'cause the last time we spoke, you said you were feeling a little, you know, used.
Schmidt: Well, not anymore. We're a team now. Fawn and Schmidt. Fawmidt.
Cece: Vomit?
Schmidt: No, Fawmidt.
Cece: You're saying the word "vomit."
Schmidt: No, I don't hear that, but okay.
Schmidt: Fawn's holding a press conference later today, and I don't mean to toot my own shofar, but I'll be standing there right by her side.
Cece: So this scandal is actually bringing you two closer together.
Schmidt: Team Fawmidt has never been stronger. I heard it there. Wow, that sounds exactly like "vomit." That's a problem. [picks up book] "Roughly the same length as The Pearl." How is that a pull quote?

Schmidt: Come on, Fawn. You're not really in love with me. I'm not really in love with-with you. We just look great together buying underpants.
Fawn Moscato: Are you breaking up with me?
Schmidt: I guess I kind of am.
Fawn Moscato: Well, um... I don't want this to come out the wrong way, but... does this mean I lose your vote?
Schmidt: [chuckles] Never. [cameras clicking] I just can't stand to be in here any longer! Surrounded... by these underpants! Red ones and yellow ones and blue ones and pink ones! And this woman with her brassiere-slash-teddy! Underpants everywhere! They're driving me nuts! I feel like I got underpants all over my body! Schmidt out. This is ridiculous. Enough is enough. Get out of here, paparazzi. No, leave me... Get-get out of my way, sir.

Jess: [whispering] Coach and May are fighting. We don't want to disturb them.
Nick: They're not fighting.
Jess: I know how to read body language. Look. Her arms are crossed in a position of dominance, and he's playing his forehead like a piano.
Winston: Will you clowns focus? My waffle is in the toaster,and if I wait too long after it pops, it'll get hard.

Jess: Look, I know about relationships. Winston can vouch for me. That girl, KC, just texted him, "What's up?"
Schmidt: That riddler.
Jess: So I had him text back an empty bubble. Is he thinking about her? Or is a baby playing with the phone? She don't know, but she want to know.

Jess: Hey.
Schmidt: Morning.
Nick: Hello.
Winston: How do?
May: Hey. Oh, someone left a waffle in the toaster. Bye, guys.
Winston: Man, this waffle better be hot or I am going Durst on y'all!

Jess: Winston, get back here! We need to powwow about May and Coach!
Winston: [drops hard waffle] Winnie's gonna need a minute.