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‘Panty Gate’ Quotes

New Girl: Panty Gate

421. Panty Gate

Aired April 28, 2015

Jess is convinced that Coach and May are more upset than they're letting on over their recent break-up. Meanwhile, Schmidt takes the fall for Fawn Moscato's embarrassing incident.

Quote from Coach

Coach: And that... is how babies get made. It's gross, right?
Grace: How does the sperm find the egg?
Coach: Propelled by its tail, the sperm travels up the canal until it reaches the egg. Now, for us, it's only a couple of inches, but for Mr. Sperm there, it's miles away. Miles and miles and miles away. [sighs] It's almost like... why would the egg want to be so far away from the sperm? You know? Like, didn't the egg and the sperm have a great time together? And then you're just gonna pack your bags and leave and go to New York? To play music with some other sperm. You're just-just gonna leave? You're gonna leave your sperm and go play music with other sperms?! [high-pitched] And I'm cool with that! I'm cool with that! You know, I got eggs. I have eggs on deck! This sperm got swag. All those other sperms ain't got swag like me. Can any other sperm sport this much green and still look dope? No! That ain't tight! This is tight! This is tight! [crying] I just want you to come back, and I... [sniffles]
Jess: I guess I chose the wrong day to observe Health.
Coach: [o.s., crying] I miss her! May!

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Quote from Schmidt

Fawn Moscato: I mean, what do you want? I can get you anything you want. You'll be rich, I'll be powerful.
Schmidt: I'm realizing... just now that it's not what I want. I don't want any of that. I want to be in love. I want to be... I want to be crazy in love.
Fawn Moscato: Okay, well, certainly don't quote Beyoncé and then pretend like you just thought of it.
Schmidt: Uh, uh, I want to be drunk in love.
Fawn Moscato: But that's also a Beyoncé lyric.

Quote from Nick

Winston: I've never seen Coach go this hard after a breakup, man. You sure he's okay?
Nick: It's good, it's good, it's good. You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol, you treat an inside wound
with drinking alcohol. That's science.
Coach: I feel that, man.

Quote from Schmidt

Coach: We did break up though.
Jess: [gasps] Oh, my God, I knew it. I mean, I'm so sorry. What happened?
Coach: May accepted a job in New York as a section musician for the Met.
Schmidt: Oh, has Alan taken a liking to her? Oh, bravo. Good for... You know, I've always been a fan of his. When he conducted, uh, Das Rheingold with the Royal Stockholm Orchestra, it was magnificent.
Nick: Jar or slap?
Schmidt: I don't have any cash on me. [Nick slaps Schmidt]
Coach: Good slap.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: You guys are good, then? You know, 'cause the last time we spoke, you said you were feeling a little, you know, used.
Schmidt: Well, not anymore. We're a team now. Fawn and Schmidt. Fawmidt.
Cece: Vomit?
Schmidt: No, Fawmidt.
Cece: You're saying the word "vomit."
Schmidt: No, I don't hear that, but okay.
Schmidt: Fawn's holding a press conference later today, and I don't mean to toot my own shofar, but I'll be standing there right by her side.
Cece: So this scandal is actually bringing you two closer together.
Schmidt: Team Fawmidt has never been stronger. I heard it there. Wow, that sounds exactly like "vomit." That's a problem. [picks up book] "Roughly the same length as The Pearl." How is that a pull quote?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Come on, Fawn. You're not really in love with me. I'm not really in love with-with you. We just look great together buying underpants.
Fawn Moscato: Are you breaking up with me?
Schmidt: I guess I kind of am.
Fawn Moscato: Well, um... I don't want this to come out the wrong way, but... does this mean I lose your vote?
Schmidt: [chuckles] Never. [cameras clicking] I just can't stand to be in here any longer! Surrounded... by these underpants! Red ones and yellow ones and blue ones and pink ones! And this woman with her brassiere-slash-teddy! Underpants everywhere! They're driving me nuts! I feel like I got underpants all over my body! Schmidt out. This is ridiculous. Enough is enough. Get out of here, paparazzi. No, leave me... Get-get out of my way, sir.

Quote from Winston

Jess: [whispering] Coach and May are fighting. We don't want to disturb them.
Nick: They're not fighting.
Jess: I know how to read body language. Look. Her arms are crossed in a position of dominance, and he's playing his forehead like a piano.
Winston: Will you clowns focus? My waffle is in the toaster,and if I wait too long after it pops, it'll get hard.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Look, I know about relationships. Winston can vouch for me. That girl, KC, just texted him, "What's up?"
Schmidt: That riddler.
Jess: So I had him text back an empty bubble. Is he thinking about her? Or is a baby playing with the phone? She don't know, but she want to know.

Quote from Winston

Jess: Hey.
Schmidt: Morning.
Nick: Hello.
Winston: How do?
May: Hey. Oh, someone left a waffle in the toaster. Bye, guys.
Winston: Man, this waffle better be hot or I am going Durst on y'all!

Quote from Winston

Jess: Winston, get back here! We need to powwow about May and Coach!
Winston: [drops hard waffle] Winnie's gonna need a minute.

Quote from Cece

Schmidt: What are you reading? What is... One Woman's Journey Up Inside Herself?
Cece: It's really inspiring. I actually want to be the woman in this book.
Schmidt: "Finding inner strength in a time of crises." Cece, are you in crises?
Cece: I'm fine. Cece's fine.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: How are you? How's Fawn holding up?
Schmidt: If you must know, my paramour Councilwoman Fawn Moscato has been so strong since the incident. You know, reporters are calling it Panty-Gate. There's pictures of her naked lady-bottom all over the Internet. Sid, put the phone away. You picked it up right when I said "naked lady-bottom." Please.

Quote from Schmidt

Fawn Moscato: Listen, thanks for standing next to me up there, Ponyboy. I hope this show of remorse will keep these reporters off my back.
Schmidt: Oh, I know it will. And then, you know what, once this is over, maybe we get out of here for a little bit. Lay low, Oh. rent a cabin in the woods, read some poetry, have horizontal sex.
Fawn Moscato: Okay, two of those three things sound like fun.

Quote from Schmidt

Fawn Moscato: Good afternoon. Um, before I answer any of your questions, my partner would like to read a statement. Honey.
Schmidt: I am a sick man. On Saturday last, Councilwoman Moscato was caught not wearing underpants because I... I asked her not to wear them. Why? Because it turns me on. What I did was wrong. I'm so sorry, Fawn. I'm sorry, Los Angeles. And I'm sorry to the man upstairs, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Trust me, I am right about this, just like I was right about them fighting. I'm on, like, a streak here. I might just be... an expert in love. Like a... you know, like a love doctor, if you will.
Nick: I will not. You are the least qualified person to call themselves a doctor of love. Exhibit "A": you dated me. I rest my case.
Winston: [chuckles] Court is adjourned.
Nick: Guilty as charged. [both laugh] Put... I would stop that.
Winston: Case... rested.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Hey, um, actually, can you do me a favor? May's gonna be recording later. She's gonna stop by and pick up her rubber circle.
Jess: May has a diaphragm?
Coach: No, it's the thing that you put on the floor to stabilize the cello.
Winston: Condom.
Nick: No.
Coach: No, it's the thing you put on the floor to make sure the cello stays put.
Nick: Cello stabilizer.
Winston: Oh, yeah. Cello stabilizer.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: What was that speech?
Fawn Moscato: I'm sorry, okay? I told you to read the statement beforehand, and then you told me that terrifying story about doing improv at a fat person's camp.
Schmidt: I didn't know that the statement was gonna blame me for Panty-Gate. And by the way, for your information, the Belly Laughs did not "do" improv. We reinvented it.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Well, now Ponyboy is feeling very conflicted.
Fawn Moscato: Just one last photo op. You and I having a lovely evening. Show the press everything's back to normal. And then I promise it'll just all be about us.
Schmidt: Could we do horizontal sex?
Fawn Moscato: Yes.
Schmidt: With foreplay? It's a deal-b... It's a deal-breaker.
Fawn Moscato: Uh... Yeah.
Schmidt: It's a deal-breaker.
Fawn Moscato: Okay. Fine, yes, fine, yes.

Quote from Cece

Jess: Cece, did they raise your tuition again? Why are you so hungry?
Cece: I've decided I'm going to climb Mount Shasta.
Jess: By yourself?
Cece: I'm leaving for three weeks. I want to be like the woman in the book; I want to go on a climbing trip and find myself.
Jess: Okay, um... Ceec, are you sure you're ready for a climbing trip?
Cece: Jess, I just... I can't sit here and watch Schmidt with Fawn. And I don't think they're breaking up any time soon, so...
Jess: Cece, they're never gonna last. He doesn't really love her.
Cece: Did he tell you that?
Jess: No, but... as a doctor of love, I sense these things. A love doctor just knows.

Quote from Jess

May: I... I'm a mess.
Jess: I know!
May: [crying]
Jess: [whispers:] The doctor is in.
May: Wait, what?
Jess: Nothing. Cry it out.

Quote from Jess

May: [muffled] We've only been dating for a few months. I just thought that... that breaking up was, like, the smart thing to do, you know?
Jess: I know you're upset, sweetie, but I... I can't understand anything you're saying with the crackers. Do you love him?
May: I think I do.
Jess: Well, then maybe moving to New York doesn't mean you have to break up.
May: [muffled] So you think that I should... that I should ask Coach to move with me?
Jess: Okay, how about we put down the crackers?

Quote from Jess

Cece: I think she wants Coach to move to New York with her.
Jess: Oh! Yes, yes! I mean...
May: Yeah? You-You... You think that he would say yeah?
Jess: Yeah. Definitely. He's crazy about you. He had a meltdown today in health class. Now, the kids did learn that sex is emotionally complicated, so it was a good class, but trust me...

Quote from Nick

Winston: Ooh, yeah, Coach! Who you think he's gonna hook up with?
Nick: It's a tough Monday crowd. It... It's nearly impossible to say, but I'm gonna go with the white bodysuit and, uh, the leopard print leggings. She looks smart to me.
Winston: No way. No way. My money's on the one with the wedding ring whose husband is clearly over there in the corner spying on her.
Nick: Yeah, he's not happy about that. Oh, oh, ooh! Dora the Explorer just entered the scene! [laughs]
Coach: [to her] You're tiny. I like it.
Nick: There she g... Oh! For the kiss! Oh! The winner. The winner.

Quote from Winston

Jess: Coach, um, I wanted to apologize.
Nick: Not now, honey.
Winston: He needs some time, honey.
Jess: I brought over a beer.
Nick: We'll take that beer.
Winston: Give us that beer, honey.

Quote from Schmidt

Fawn Moscato: Hey, don't smile. Don't smile. Look sadder that you're buying underpants.
Schmidt: Underpants make you very, very sad. Oh, I hate being here so much. These underpants make me so uncomfortable.
Fawn Moscato: That's perfect. There's that fat boy improv training. Now, next, I'm going to ask for something with a little more coverage; you're gonna flip out, say you can't take it anymore, and leave the store. Then tomorrow, we enter you into some kind of rehab facility. When you get out, we'll announce that we're getting married.
Schmidt: Married? What? I don't...
Fawn Moscato: Shh. Yes. Shh. Yes, yes. Okay. So what I say is we build on this momentum, okay? And we get married. I know it's not the most romantic idea in the world, but we'd be happy. And then, we play our cards right, you and I are living in the mayor's mansion by 2020.
Schmidt: Fawn. Fawn. No.
Fawn Moscato: No? Oh, n-no to some of it?
Schmidt: No to all of it. We can't get married. I barely even know you.
Fawn Moscato: You... You know me.
Schmidt: The real you, Fawn.
Fawn Moscato: This is the real me. I'm a politician, not in The Vagina Monologues.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I just want to say something.
Coach: No.
Jess: And then I'll leave. Look, I'll never get involved in your personal life ever again. Okay? Because I have no idea what I'm talking about. And I know that now. You could just... you could just troll for basic bitches at the juice bar, and I will say, mm, nothing. Okay? So, look, I was wrong, and I'm sorry.
Coach: I do love her. I'm crazy about her.
Jess: Yes! I was right! [laughs] Love Doctor! I'm back.

Quote from Coach

Nick: Really? I thought it was just a regular breakup. But in all fairness, I hadn't thought about it that hard.
Coach: I mean, what do I do, man? You know, it's like she's going to New York.
Nick: Yup.
Coach: I can't go to New York with her. That's crazy. You know? I like my sun on the right and my ocean on the left. It's a rule of mine. Plus, I'd have to leave you guys. Can't leave you guys, I mean, I finally have a home.

Quote from Nick

Nick: All right, flash forward to the future. 40, 50 years. You're married. Kids, grandkids. I'm long dead.
Coach: Naturally.
Jess: Of course.
Nick: And you look over to the woman sitting next to you. And she's gray. She's old.
Coach: She has that, like, grandma smell.
Nick: You have a grandpa smell, but you got...
Coach: Grandmas always smell like... like right when you open a cupboard.
Nick:Yeah, she has that smell, but... you love her. Be honest with yourself. Is that fat old lady sitting beside you...
Coach: Honestly, right now, in my head, I'm just picturing, like, a beanbag chair with a wig on it.
Nick: Okay. We have gone too much into the description.
Coach: Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nick: Is that May?
Coach: I think so.
Nick: Well, that's big. Let's go get her.

Quote from Coach

Coach: In 40 years, when we're old and... a mess of fat, loose skin hanging, I have boobs, and you've got hair on your face... Holding my rock sack while I'm sitting on the toilet so it doesn't fall in the water.
May: What are you saying?
Coach: I'm saying, as you get older, your testicles lengthen. [scoffs] No, what I'm saying is I love you.
May: Oh.
Coach: And that I would be a fool if I let you leave to New York without even fighting for us.
May: Ernie... I love you, too. But I... I can't stay here.
Coach: I don't want you to stay here. Um... look, I know we haven't been dating that long, and, um, this might seem crazy, but I was won...
May: Will you move to New York with me?
Coach: Yes! That! That's what I...
May: Yes?!
Coach: Yeah, that's what I wanted to do, yeah.

Quote from Jess

Nick: Well, this is all you, Jess. Come on. This is all you. I mean it. If Coach were hanging out with me, we'd be beating up a priest right now.
Jess: You had a lot to do with this, too. No, really. All that stuff about "Who do you see yourself next to?" That's-that's really good. Do you do that? Who-who do you see yourself next to?
Nick: Winston mostly.
Jess: Ah. Yeah, me, too, actually. [both laugh] I just see a really old Winston. [chuckles] Eating handfuls of birdseed out of the bag. He gets really into birds.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Wait. What are we watching right now? That girl just took her boobs out! Nick, why are you watching smut?
Nick: It was already in the DVD player. I didn't want to get up and get it.
Winston: Schmidt, are you sitting on my pillow?
Jess: Who leaves porn in the DVD?
Schmidt: What's it doing out here in the first place?
Nick: The only thing we use it for. Might as well just leave it in.
Winston: I'm sleeping on the couch. Furguson and I are fighting.
Schmidt: Why is that pillow wet?
Nick: It's a good story. Let's just watch and see what happens.

Quote from Nick

Jess: What are you smiling at?
Coach: Nothing.
Jess: For crying out loud, take this soft-core off the TV right now.
Schmidt: Why is this pillow wet?
Winston: Furguson...
Nick: Jess, I have to see how the story ends.
Jess: There isn't any plot!
Nick: This is the wrong time to stop this, trust me.
Schmidt: Get you and your wet pillow and your big old legs out of here.


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