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‘Backslide’ Quotes

New Girl: Backslide

123. Backslide

Aired May 1, 2012

The guys try to keep Jess from backsliding following her break-up from Russell, but their fears turn out to be misplaced. Meanwhile, Cece takes Schmidt to her nana's retirement home, Winston gets his ear pierced, and Nick takes a step forward with Caroline.

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: So you and Cece are staying away from each other.
Schmidt: Only until my penis stops looking like a knotted wizard's staff.

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Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hey, Jess. I brought you some tea. Just gonna leave it right here, okay? There you go. So, Russell... Ouch. Right? I mean, who saw that coming? Not me. Certainly not Russell. I guess, I guess you saw it coming. I mean, 'cause you're the one who broke up with him.
Jess: Leave, Schmidt.
Schmidt: All right, fine. I'll leave. But you know what? Know this: you're not the only one that's hurting here, Jessica Day. The economy stinks, bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels now, and I...
Jess: Don't say "broken penis."
Schmidt: ...have a broken penis. Don't pretend to know my pain.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: [moaning] It hurts so bad, because...
Cece: What's turning you on?
Schmidt: Oh...
Cece: The queen of diamonds? The bow?
Schmidt: Oh, my God.
Cece: The teeth in the glass?
Schmidt: I care about you so much.
Cece: The leaf painting?
Schmidt: But...
Cece: Is emotional intimacy turning you on?
Schmidt: [groans]
Cece: Are you in that much pain? Uh, he passed out. We need help!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Oh, I have a bubbe.
Cece: Uh, my bubbe is in a home.
Schmidt: Yeah. Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. Just, they're like the human version of pleated pants.
Cece: Really?
Schmidt: Not for me.

Quote from Nick

Nick: [on TV] Now that I got your attention, Future Nick, there's a few things I'd like to talk to you about. Be nicer to your mom when she calls. [cut] Stop giving yourself high fives. [cut] Put your head underwater, you two-year-old. [cut] Be nicer to Coach, or he's gonna take off, live with a bunch of other white people. [bad accent] I no fake karate. [silly voice] I'm Nick, I'm grumpy. I'm going to put my baby hood on. [cut] Sex is a sprint, not a marathon [sings] You are special, you are special You... [cut] We'll see each other in the future... unless I see you first. Nick Miller!

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: I'm gonna end up alone. I'm gonna be a single old lady flashing people on the subway.
Schmidt: Jess, first of all, you're never gonna be old, because humans ... we're gonna be immortal by 2026. And second of all, give me your phone.
Jess: Why?
Schmidt: Do you want to drunkenly call Russell tonight and tell him what a huge mistake you made?
Winston: You don't want to backslide, trust me.
Schmidt: Be quiet. Your life is too perfect to talk to anyone in Jess's condition right now. Look, Jess, backsliding is what happens after a clean break. When you, when you freak out and you go crawling back and you just make everything messy and horrible.
Jess: I'm not gonna do that.
Schmidt: You have backslider written all over you.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Schmidt, I actually need my phone back.
Schmidt: No.
Jess: I need to call Russell to just tell him I left my pajamas there.
Schmidt: The fact that you were wearing pajamas in the presence of your lover tells me that that relationship was doomed from the start.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: I don't know what we're supposed to do together any more. Everything seems to turn you on.
[flashback to Schmidt and Cece with binoculars in the loft:]
Schmidt: Oh, look, Cece, a bird. Ow. Ah, damn it!
Cece: Schmidt, it's a mother bird in her nest!
Schmidt: Must I say it, Cece?
Cece: What?
Schmidt: Eggs.
Cece: Okay.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Backslider!
Jess: Don't.
Winston: You backslid.
Jess: Come on.
Schmidt: You backslid all the way down the hill and back into the parking lot. Take off your skis and wait for your family in the lodge, Jessica Day.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: These people are disgusting. I've never been more flaccid in my life.
Cece: [laughs]
Nana: Thank God.
Schmidt: I mean, this place is a cardigan gold mine.

Quote from Cece

Cece: Can I get you anything, Dadi?
Nana: A hot-blooded man and a hotel room would be nice. Oh, just get me a puzzle.
[As Cece walks off, Nana signals for Schmidt to come closer]
Schmidt: Yeah?
Nana: I raised that girl. She is my life. And she's not as tough as she looks. If you hurt her, I will let myself die and then I will haunt you.

Quote from Nick

Nick: [on TV] You magnificent dumb-ass. If you're watching this, it's because you decided to get back with Caroline.
Nick: Yes, Nick. I did.
Nick: [on TV] Well, congratulations, you idiot. She destroyed you.
Nick: You don't know me, you jerk!
Nick: [on TV] These, my dumb friend, are your tears. And you saved them all.
Schmidt: [restraining Nick] I got him, I got him.
Nick: [on TV] Think back, Nick. Or whatever they call you in your time. Who dumped you three times? Once before you had to speak at your brother's wedding.
Nick: Well, he's divorced now, so I'll get another shot.
Nick: [on TV] This is a poem you wrote about Caroline...
Nick: I don't want the poem. I don't want the poem.
Schmidt: You're getting the poem.
Nick: [on TV] ...But you're too emotional to read it right now. You're going to give it to Schmidt for safekeeping.
Schmidt: [on TV] This is your doing, Caroline.
Schmidt: You were right to have trusted me. Two years I held this thing. Read it.
Nick: "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? No, a summer's day is not a bitch." [Nick whimpers on TV] Really, Nick? That's how you want to talk about Caroline?

Quote from Nick

Nick: [on TV] Look at how far you've come, Nick. Want to be a bartender forever, pal?
Nick: I'm still a bartender.
Nick: [on TV] You want to be a grown man who dresses like an unsponsored professional skateboarder? You don't want to live like this. You're moving on. I'm here to tell you you're doing the right thing, so just keep going.
Nick: Can I talk to you Nick-to-Nick for a second? I respect you, man. You're rocking the hell out of that beard, and the long hair looks good, despite what other people are gonna say. Look, the Caroline that broke your heart, I get why you don't like her. But it's a different Caroline that's picking me up in five minutes, Nick. Do you want me to live alone in this loft for the rest of my life?
Nick: [on TV] Hey, what's the difference between me and Bill Cosby?
Nick: Well, thanks, guys. You helped me figure something out.
Nick: [on TV] All right, well, look, I think this was a really nice talk, Future Nick. I hope you got something from it, 'cause I know that I did. [crying] I'm gonna call her. I have to call..
Schmidt: [on TV] No! Damn it, give me the phone.

Quote from Paul

Paul: Jess and I slept together.
Jess: Oh, God.
Jenn: What?
Paul: I want to be completely honest with you. It happened two days ago, and we did lots of stuff. There was talking, and there were hands, and I think we ruined a throw pillow.


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