Winston: So you and Cece are staying away from each other.
Schmidt: Only until my penis stops looking like a knotted wizard's staff.

Schmidt: Hey, Jess. I brought you some tea. Just gonna leave it right here, okay? There you go. So, Russell... Ouch. Right? I mean, who saw that coming? Not me. Certainly not Russell. I guess, I guess you saw it coming. I mean, 'cause you're the one who broke up with him.
Jess: Leave, Schmidt.
Schmidt: All right, fine. I'll leave. But you know what? Know this: you're not the only one that's hurting here, Jessica Day. The economy stinks, bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels now, and I...
Jess: Don't say "broken penis."
Schmidt: ...have a broken penis. Don't pretend to know my pain.

Schmidt: [moaning] It hurts so bad, because...
Cece: What's turning you on?
Schmidt: Oh...
Cece: The queen of diamonds? The bow?
Schmidt: Oh, my God.
Cece: The teeth in the glass?
Schmidt: I care about you so much.
Cece: The leaf painting?
Schmidt: But...
Cece: Is emotional intimacy turning you on?
Schmidt: [groans]
Cece: Are you in that much pain? Uh, he passed out. We need help!

Schmidt: Oh, I have a bubbe.
Cece: Uh, my bubbe is in a home.
Schmidt: Yeah. Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. Just, they're like the human version of pleated pants.
Cece: Really?
Schmidt: Not for me.

Nick: [on TV] Now that I got your attention, Future Nick, there's a few things I'd like to talk to you about. Be nicer to your mom when she calls. [cut] Stop giving yourself high fives. [cut] Put your head underwater, you two-year-old. [cut] Be nicer to Coach, or he's gonna take off, live with a bunch of other white people. [bad accent] I no fake karate. [silly voice] I'm Nick, I'm grumpy. I'm going to put my baby hood on. [cut] Sex is a sprint, not a marathon [sings] You are special, you are special You... [cut] We'll see each other in the future... unless I see you first. Nick Miller!

Cece: I don't know what we're supposed to do together any more. Everything seems to turn you on.
[flashback to Schmidt and Cece with binoculars in the loft:]
Schmidt: Oh, look, Cece, a bird. Ow. Ah, damn it!
Cece: Schmidt, it's a mother bird in her nest!
Schmidt: Must I say it, Cece?
Cece: What?
Schmidt: Eggs.
Cece: Okay.

Jess: I'm gonna end up alone. I'm gonna be a single old lady flashing people on the subway.
Schmidt: Jess, first of all, you're never gonna be old, because humans ... we're gonna be immortal by 2026. And second of all, give me your phone.
Jess: Why?
Schmidt: Do you want to drunkenly call Russell tonight and tell him what a huge mistake you made?
Winston: You don't want to backslide, trust me.
Schmidt: Be quiet. Your life is too perfect to talk to anyone in Jess's condition right now. Look, Jess, backsliding is what happens after a clean break. When you, when you freak out and you go crawling back and you just make everything messy and horrible.
Jess: I'm not gonna do that.
Schmidt: You have backslider written all over you.

Jess: Schmidt, I actually need my phone back.
Schmidt: No.
Jess: I need to call Russell to just tell him I left my pajamas there.
Schmidt: The fact that you were wearing pajamas in the presence of your lover tells me that that relationship was doomed from the start.

Schmidt: Backslider!
Jess: Don't.
Winston: You backslid.
Jess: Come on.
Schmidt: You backslid all the way down the hill and back into the parking lot. Take off your skis and wait for your family in the lodge, Jessica Day.

Schmidt: These people are disgusting. I've never been more flaccid in my life.
Cece: [laughs]
Nana: Thank God.
Schmidt: I mean, this place is a cardigan gold mine.