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‘Background Check’ Quotes

New Girl: Background Check

406. Background Check

Aired November 4, 2014

The gang are nervous when a police sergeant visits to perform Winston's background check after Jess reveals she has a bag of narcotics in her closet.

Quote from Nick

Nick: When I was nine years old, I fed cereal flakes to a frog, and it died. Then I went into a period of time where I fed cereal flakes to all little animals. Squirrels can live through it, chipmunks can live through it. Anything that lives half in and out of water dies, and I don't understand why. When I was ten, I once walked by my mother sleeping, and I snuck in the room, and I put a lemon in her mouth. When I was 11, I once tried on my girl cousin's wool tights, and I didn't hate the way it felt!
Sergeant Dorado: Why are you telling me this?
Nick: Because you said you wanted to hear everything! My sixteenth year, I never got an erection. I thought they were done. I thought my penis was dead. It wasn't.

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Quote from Cece

Cece: It was Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
Schmidt: What? You... you were... you were with Zack Morris?
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Schmidt: Guy's a frigging god. I mean, all right. I've... I surrender. That's awes... Can I come to the wedding? [Cece laughs] You think Slater and Screech are gonna be there?
Cece: [laughing] I'm kidding. I just wanted to see you freak out.
Schmidt: You really had me going there for a second.
Cece: [laughs] It works every time with you. It's amazing. Now...
Schmidt: There was a real second there where I had bad feelings towards Mark-Paul Gosselaar, and I didn't like any moment of that. How dare you. Don't ever do that to me again.

Quote from Coach

Winston: Good, you're all here. I just got a tip from my buddy Dugan. My academy background check is today and I need everybody's help.
Coach: Can't do it, bro. Going to the outlet mall today.
Winston: What?
Coach: I'm gonna look like a rich person from three years ago.
Winston: Can't... You can't go to the outlet mall today. Not today.
Schmidt: Yeah, you can't go to the outlet mall today.
Coach: Why?
Schmidt: It's a weekend. What are you, crazy? Unless you got a game plan.
Coach: I have a game plan. Grab a quick smoothie, power up. Do my leg stores first. Pants, socks, shoes. Hats and accessories last, then one sweet treat for the road. Most likely a cinnamon pretzel.

Quote from Winston

Winston: How do I look?
Jess: Terrible.
Schmidt: N-Not for me.
Nick: Not great.
Coach: Like crap.
Jess: Go change.
Schmidt: I don't like any of it.
Winston: Wow. You guys are like rubbing alcohol. You sting me in the now, but you save me in the later.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Everybody just calm down. Especially you, Nick, you're already sopping wet.
Nick: Lying makes me sweat. I can't lie. It's why I don't play poker or talk to pregnant ladies.

Quote from Nick

Sergeant Dorado: Will somebody answer the question so I can write it on the form and we can get on with our lives? Why would Bishop make a good police officer?
Nick: Mustache.
Sergeant Dorado: I'm sorry?
Nick: Because, uh, Winston has a mustache. And, uh, police officers all have mustaches. No, they don't. Not the ladies. Unless the ladies want to. Why can't a lady have a mustache? She can. And it would look sexy. Would you like a green grape shoved in your... given to your mouth? Handed to your mouth?

Quote from Nick

Sergeant Dorado: I've never seen someone sweat so much in my life. It looks like your body is crying. What are you hiding?
Nick: Distraction! [throws a plush]
Nick: Okay. You're a tough cookie. And that's the last thing I'll say.
Sergeant Dorado: Hmm.
Nick: Look... Okay, you want the truth? I'll tell you everything. When I was 13 years old, I once made love to myself behind a post office.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Hey! Guess who's here like he normally is every Saturday! It's Duquan!
Duquan: [to Nick] Big brother Wimstons. [Coach points him to Winston] Oh. I love you, Mr. Wimstons. I go from no hope to hope. He take me and he says to me, "You're gonna be somebody. "You-You could be the presidents, or Statues of Liberties."
Winston: Is that right?
Duquan: We make homework togethers. He buys me toys, and we chase each others, and we laugh at the sun.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Cece went on a date last night?
Jess: Schmidt, why don't you just read my text messages while I'm in the shower like you normally do?
Schmidt: Our Cece has taken a lover? Good for him.
Nick: Don't get weird, Schmidt.
Schmidt: I'm not being weird. I just said good for him. You know, I've camped in that forest, too. The babbling brook, the beautiful mountains, little secret trailway that's only open seasonally, and when it is-- let me tell you something-- bring a camera.
Nick: Cool, not weird at all.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: I'm gonna cancel my plans with Cece. I'll find out about her date with Paul later.
Schmidt: A ridiculous name. Oh, hey, my name is Puh-ha... Pau... I don't even know how to pronounce that.
Winston: It's Paul.
Schmidt: I'll take that Paul, I'll take him to a water park, I will. I'll put him on one of those waterslides between
two obese people and he'll get smushed to death. Die in a... Die in a water... He'll die between the obese people before he drowns in the water.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: Hmm?

Quote from Coach

Sergeant Dorado: Duquan Feldman? I'm gonna make a note to call the Boys & Girls Club.
Coach: No!
Sergeant Dorado: Why not?
Coach: Uh, because he's coming here.
Schmidt: Why would... why would Duquan come-come here?
Coach: Because he comes here every Saturday.
Nick: He does?
Sergeant Dorado: Then where is he?
Coach: Huh?
Sergeant Dorado: It's Saturday. Where is he?
Coach: He's at the bus station. He's waiting for, uh, one of us to get him, and, uh... You know what? I'll go do it. You guys stay put.
Cece: You're gonna go and get Duquan?
Coach: I think so. Yeah. You guys, anybody want to... come... with? No? [closes the door] Where are you, Duquan?

Quote from Jess

Cece: What are you doing? Jessica. No, Jessica! What are you doing? You do not put drugs down the shower drain. Have you never seen a drug movie before?
Jess: I don't know. I saw Ray.
Cece: That does not count.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Oh. Hey! [honks horn] Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! Yo! What's up? You in the shorts. Hey, come here, man. Come here. I need a little boy. [chuckles] Whoa. No. That's not what I meant. No, no, no. I didn't mean... You know what I'm... Ah. I wasn't trying to... It's for my friend, you know? I need you to come over to, uh, hang out with my friends. No, not like that. I just need you to pretend like, uh, you're in a relationship with this grown man that I know. Ah! Ah! Uh, I did not think this through. Did not think this through. Um, bad decision. Very bad decision. I'm gonna go now. Don't remember my face. Forget this face. This didn't happen.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Jess, do you know how much time we could get for possessing this much meth? Why'd you hide it from me?
Jess: I was trying to protect you. I should've been the first person you told!
Winston: I could've taken care of it, or something. Now it just looks like we're hiding it.
Jess: I just... I didn't... I didn't think there was anything you could do.
Winston: And-and why is that?
Jess: Because... I don't know!
Winston: Because you don't see me as a cop. None of you do.
Jess: I didn't... I didn't think you'd make it this far. We always thought you'd change your mind. I mean... you say a prayer every time you get on a escalator.
Winston: Why risk it?

Quote from Winston

Sergeant Dorado: Here's the way this is gonna go down. I'm gonna go in the bathroom, have a look around. You will stay here. You will not move, you will not talk, you will not think unless they're thoughts about not moving.
Jess: Winston, I'm so sorry. I ruined everything. You would have been such a good cop. You would have made someone really lucky to have you as a partner.
Winston: I always imagined I'd have a partner named Robertson.
Jess: That would have been perfect.
Winston: Yeah.
Jess: "Robertson, you're on the edge! You've gone too far!"
Winston: No, no, no. See, the thing about me and Robertson is that we're tight. You know, then I went ahead and slept with his wife.
Jess: Why would you do that?
Winston: I don't know why... I don't know why I would do that. The job really gets to you. You know, it's stressful out there.

Quote from Coach

Sergeant Dorado: I'm asking a simple question, unless you don't think he would be an asset to the LAPD.
Coach: No, he-he would. He definitely would. Yeah, he would. You know, Winston has done plenty for, uh, the, um... community. He has a little brother at the Boys & Girls Club.
Schmidt: Of course. All the work that Winston does with the Boys & Girls Club that he actually does in real life.
Coach: So much work at the Boys & Girls Club.
Schmidt: So passionate.
Coach: Yeah. What was his little brother's name again?
Nick: Duke.
Schmidt: Juan.
Coach: Duquan is his name.
Sergeant Dorado: Duquan.
Coach: Duquan.


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