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‘Homecoming’ Quotes

New Girl: Homecoming

604. Homecoming

Aired October 11, 2016

The gang head to New York where Schmidt is about to be honored by his high school. Meanwhile, Jess has a run in with the officers of Brooklyn's ninety-ninth precinct [Brooklyn Nine-Nine].

Quote from Cece

Cece: Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Cece Schmidt. So if any of you have anything else you'd like to say to my husband, I will drag you outside and we will handle this L.A. style. I will take you to the corner of Fairfax and La Brea. [crowd booing]
Winston: Those are parallel streets.
Nick: I'm not telling her that.
Louise: That's my daughter! We have to leave. Where's my car?
Jess: Even though your car is definitely here, it's a beautiful night... let's walk.
Winston: Okay, look, she clearly did something weird with your car, but I got something. Trust us.
Cece: Sepulveda! La Cienega, bitches. El Matador beach.
Schmidt: You're just naming places in Southern California.
Cece: Nickel Canyon!

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Quote from Coach

Jess: God, it's a perfect fall New York day. I'm almost sorry we're leaving.
Coach: What the hell is going on? Were you not gonna call me? How long you been here?
Nick: We literally just got here.
Jess: Well, we were gonna go...
Schmidt: I had a, uh...
Coach: If I wasn't... If I didn't just run into you, you guys would have just been... The only reason I'm not pissed... it's because I've been in L.A. like five times. So... we're good. [all cheering] I've got other friends.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Um... [clears throat] Excuse me, Marissa, I'm very sorry. I... I would just be remiss if I let this moment pass me by. You know, I'm a lucky man. Because I wouldn't be the man that I am today if it weren't for the experiences that I've had right here. So, thank you... for being the worst that humankind has to offer. That includes Harvey Levin and every cast member that's ever been on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Thank you for showing me that athletic apparel is something that should never be worn outside the house, you chubby-thumbed pickle hoarders. And in conclusion, you're all ugly. I make money. You just got roasted by the California Kid. I did it! [silence] [Nick applauds]
Marissa: Oh, you sure do talk a lot when your mouth isn't full... Great Neck. [laughter] Thank you, Schmidt. Boy, that was real embarrassing for you, huh?

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: This is my man, and he is distinguished, people.
Schmidt: Yes, the high school that once treated me like a nobody is finally recognizing me for what I am. This is it. This is all happening. Comeuppance. Genuine come up the pants!

Quote from Jess

Cece: Thank God you are here, Jess. I could not get through a weekend with Schmidt's mom without you. Do you know that she carried him for 11 months?
Jess: PADFUNT.
Cece: PAD... PADFUNT?
Jess: Positivity Always, Decency Forever, Understanding No Trouble. That's my strategy for surviving New York. And that's how you survive Louise.

Quote from Winston

Nick: Whew! I am stuffed. What a lunch. Expensive but worth it.
[flashback:]
Winston: I'm still feeling a bit peckish. Please, a third lobster at once.
Nick: And a telephone on a tray. Rotary. [laughs]
Both: Men of means!
[present:]
Winston: It was lavish, but we deserved it. 80% tip, zero percent regret.

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: Hey, Schmidt, uh, Nick and I are gonna grab a cab into the city. Get one of our famous extravagant lunches.
Schmidt: Your what?
Nick: You know our thing. We're men of means. We like nice lunches.
Schmidt: Men of means? This is New York City. A city only one Baldwin can afford.
Winston: I would love to offer up a retort, but true men of means are rich in dignity.
Schmidt: Yes, they're also rich in money. Just remember to be back by 7:00. And it's Fitzgerald High School in Great Neck. If you can't remember Great Neck, that's what they used to call me in high school, 'cause... Well, 'cause I was dangerously fat, specifically in the neck area.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Is that the homecoming welcome package? I want to see what picture of me they used. I sent in, like, 20. [Cece laughs] I hope they used the one of me shaking hands with Pierce Brosnan.
Jess: We really ruined his dinner, but it was worth it.
Schmidt: What the hell? There's, like, 100 honorees. [sighs] "An opportunity for various alumni to support our dream of purchasing a new gymnasium scoreboard"? They're not honoring me. They're shaking me down! Of course. The alumni association is run by the same jerks who used to pull this crap on me back in high school.
[flashback:]
Young Schmidt: Every student council meeting needs some pizza. Here you go, Marissa. My treat.
Marissa: Cool. Thanks. You can take off now.
Young Schmidt: [laughs] But it's my house.
Marissa: Mm-hmm.
Young Schmidt: I'm gonna go for a lap around the block, then.
[present:]
Schmidt: The only thing she devoured more than my pizza was my self-esteem, and now she's back for seconds.

Quote from Cece

Schmidt: Leave me alone, ass hat!
Jess: I know you didn't mean that. Is there anything that we can do to make you feel better right now?
Schmidt: Schmaegalman's.
Cece: Schmaegalman's?
Louise: Schmaegalman's is his favorite deli. He loves their soup. He's telling us he's hungry! Do you not know when he's hungry?
Cece: I know when he's hungry, Louise.
Louise: I'll stay here in case he needs me. Cece, you go get the soup.
Cece: Maybe I should stay here, considering I'm his wife?
Louise: Fine. We'll order in Ling's Palace. It's fine. It's just fine. [shouting:] We're getting Ling's Palace because your wife won't get Schmaegalman's.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Hey, guys. I want everyone to have a really great trip. You both stay here. I'm gonna go to Schmergerman... I'm gonna go to Schmaegel...
Cece: Schmaegalman's.
Jess: Bagelman's?
Cece: No.
Schmidt: Schmaegalman.
Jess: Maegalman's?
Cece: Maegal. Yeah.
Jess: I'm gonna go to... to the deli.
Louise: You?
Jess: Can I borrow your car, please?
Louise: If you get so much as a scratch on it, you'll never leave New York. Because you'll be dead.
Jess: Because I'll be dead.
Louise: You can't handle that deli.
Jess: I think I can handle going to a deli.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Excuse me, sir. Is this the line? [chuckles] What a New York character. You're a New York character. [to another man] Oh, sorry. Um, I was just... getting in line behind you. [chuckles] Don't want to get in a pickle. That's just deli fun. Oh.
Counter Guy #1: There you go, sweetheart. Okay, there we go!
Jess: Hi, do you have special soup...
Counter Guy #1: This is the cream cheese line. Next. You're still here?
Jess: I'm sorry. I'll just...
Counter Guy #2: Next!
Jess: Yes, um...
Counter Guy #2: Too slow! Next!
Woman: Two pounds of whitefish.
Jess: Beautiful baby.
Woman: Don't talk to me.
Counter Guy #3: 43, 44, 45, 46...
Jess: Oh, yes, um...
Man: 46. Two black-and-whites.
Jess: May I please have the... Oh, uh, Excuse me, I'm 45.
Man: Yeah, he already called it, slowpoke.
Counter Guy #3: Here you go.
Man: Welcome to New York. [chuckles]
Jess: [screams] No! I'm 45! 45 is before 46! You'll get your damn cookies when you give me your ass! [clatter] One large special soup now!

Quote from Jess

Jess: [on the phone] Schmidt, it's Jess. I got your soup but not until I punched this city in the damn throat.
Schmidt: I thought you were all about keeping it positive.
Jess: That is for sucker MCs and West Coast punks. This city's a jungle, so you better be a freaking lion. That goes for you, too, Schmidt. I had an epiphany getting your soup. That's what you got to do tonight.
Schmidt: What are you talking about?
Jess: You're a really special guy, and you got to let everyone in high school know that. So you got to go to that homecoming, you got to grab that mic, and you got to roast that Marissa and the rest of those junkyard... fat cats.

Quote from Jess

Jess: What else you got, New York? You want to step into me?
Jake Peralta: Stop, stop, stop, stop! Stop! NYPD! Ma'am, I need to commandeer this vehicle.
Jess: If you want to commandeer this vehicle, then you're gonna have to commandeer this ass.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Damn it. You commandeered my friend's mom's car and then you crashed it? That's like me asking to borrow your dumb cop jacket and then... just crashing it. Man, I thought I had this city licked. But in the end, it was me who got licked.
Jake Peralta: Wait, did that actually happen? 'Cause there have been some... reported lickings recently, and if you got a good look at the guy...
Jess: I was obviously speaking metaphorically.
Jake Peralta: Right. Me, too. Our city is wonderful. It's a great place to walk around.
Jess: So what about my friend's mom's car? Let me guess, there's nothing you can do.
Jake Peralta: No, ma'am, listen, everything's gonna be fine. Just go to the 99th Precinct, and I promise you... You will be treated in the most efficient and pleasant way imaginable.

Quote from Jess

Gina Linetti: Proof of ownership. Liability release. Waiver of responsibility. Smog check. Non-operation of a boat. Waiver of somethin'. Liability release. Ya-dee-da. Da-dee-da. And da.
Jess: This is an application to join the NYPD softball team.
Gina Linetti: You think I like sitting here, handing you form after form?
Jess: Kind of.
Gina Linetti: You're right. I do. God, it's like you're in here.

Quote from Jess

Captain Holt: We-Well, your car should be fixed by morning.
Jess: How do I know you're not lying?
Captain Holt: I never lie. Although I told my mother her hair looked good once... and it didn't. Just looked okay.
Jess: Okay, I believe you, even though you're from the city of garbage water and pizza trash.
Captain Holt: What is your problem with this city?
Jess: [sighs] I've just never had a good experience here. I came here once before and it was a complete disaster.
Captain Holt: Did you go to the opera and were disappointed? It's this new director.
Jess: No, I actually... I had this great week planned, and then thing after thing went wrong, and then I cut my trip off early. Oh, my God. [gasps] Oh, my God. That's when that was?
Captain Holt: Obviously, I don't know because I have no idea what you're talking about.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I left early and I went home and surprised my boyfriend. Spencer was the actual worst. He called sex "making tacos."
Captain Holt: Well, you know what I always say? Things happen for a reason...
Jess: Yes, and the reason that New York sucked was because I was supposed to catch Spencer...
Captain Holt: No, you didn't let me finish.
Jess: .. 'cause I wasn't supposed to end up with him.
Captain Holt: I always say things happen for a reason, and that reason is random chance.
Jess: No, you were right the first time. New York wasn't kicking my ass, it was nudging it, gently, in the right direction. [gasps] Just like you are right now.
Captain Holt: Yes. Yes, that's what's happening.

Quote from Jess

Jess: You can't be mad at your past... it makes you who you are. And... Oh, my God. I told my friend to do something really stupid, and I have to go stop him. Hey, do you want to do something very, super considerate?
Captain Holt: We can't provide you with a police escort.
Jess: I wasn't gonna ask that.
Captain Holt: Yeah, you were.
Jess: Yeah, I was.
Captain Holt: But here: my lunch. It's not Schmaegalman's, but take it. It's Ling's Palace. It's fine. It's just fine.


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