Cece: Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Cece Schmidt. So if any of you have anything else you'd like to say to my husband, I will drag you outside and we will handle this L.A. style. I will take you to the corner of Fairfax and La Brea. [crowd booing]
Winston: Those are parallel streets.
Nick: I'm not telling her that.
Louise: That's my daughter! We have to leave. Where's my car?
Jess: Even though your car is definitely here, it's a beautiful night... let's walk.
Winston: Okay, look, she clearly did something weird with your car, but I got something. Trust us.
Cece: Sepulveda! La Cienega, bitches. El Matador beach.
Schmidt: You're just naming places in Southern California.
Cece: Nickel Canyon!

Jess: God, it's a perfect fall New York day. I'm almost sorry we're leaving.
Coach: What the hell is going on? Were you not gonna call me? How long you been here?
Nick: We literally just got here.
Jess: Well, we were gonna go...
Schmidt: I had a, uh...
Coach: If I wasn't... If I didn't just run into you, you guys would have just been... The only reason I'm not pissed... it's because I've been in L.A. like five times. So... we're good. [all cheering] I've got other friends.

Schmidt: Um... [clears throat] Excuse me, Marissa, I'm very sorry. I... I would just be remiss if I let this moment pass me by. You know, I'm a lucky man. Because I wouldn't be the man that I am today if it weren't for the experiences that I've had right here. So, thank you... for being the worst that humankind has to offer. That includes Harvey Levin and every cast member that's ever been on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Thank you for showing me that athletic apparel is something that should never be worn outside the house, you chubby-thumbed pickle hoarders. And in conclusion, you're all ugly. I make money. You just got roasted by the California Kid. I did it! [silence] [Nick applauds]
Marissa: Oh, you sure do talk a lot when your mouth isn't full... Great Neck. [laughter] Thank you, Schmidt. Boy, that was real embarrassing for you, huh?

Nick: Whew! I am stuffed. What a lunch. Expensive but worth it.
[flashback:]
Winston: I'm still feeling a bit peckish. Please, a third lobster at once.
Nick: And a telephone on a tray. Rotary. [laughs]
Both: Men of means!
[present:]
Winston: It was lavish, but we deserved it. 80% tip, zero percent regret.

Cece: Thank God you are here, Jess. I could not get through a weekend with Schmidt's mom without you. Do you know that she carried him for 11 months?
Jess: PADFUNT.
Cece: PAD... PADFUNT?
Jess: Positivity Always, Decency Forever, Understanding No Trouble. That's my strategy for surviving New York. And that's how you survive Louise.

Cece: This is my man, and he is distinguished, people.
Schmidt: Yes, the high school that once treated me like a nobody is finally recognizing me for what I am. This is it. This is all happening. Comeuppance. Genuine come up the pants!

Winston: Hey, Schmidt, uh, Nick and I are gonna grab a cab into the city. Get one of our famous extravagant lunches.
Schmidt: Your what?
Nick: You know our thing. We're men of means. We like nice lunches.
Schmidt: Men of means? This is New York City. A city only one Baldwin can afford.
Winston: I would love to offer up a retort, but true men of means are rich in dignity.
Schmidt: Yes, they're also rich in money. Just remember to be back by 7:00. And it's Fitzgerald High School in Great Neck. If you can't remember Great Neck, that's what they used to call me in high school, 'cause... Well, 'cause I was dangerously fat, specifically in the neck area.

Schmidt: Is that the homecoming welcome package? I want to see what picture of me they used. I sent in, like, 20. [Cece laughs] I hope they used the one of me shaking hands with Pierce Brosnan.
Jess: We really ruined his dinner, but it was worth it.
Schmidt: What the hell? There's, like, 100 honorees. [sighs] "An opportunity for various alumni to support our dream of purchasing a new gymnasium scoreboard"? They're not honoring me. They're shaking me down! Of course. The alumni association is run by the same jerks who used to pull this crap on me back in high school.
[flashback:]
Young Schmidt: Every student council meeting needs some pizza. Here you go, Marissa. My treat.
Marissa: Cool. Thanks. You can take off now.
Young Schmidt: [laughs] But it's my house.
Marissa: Mm-hmm.
Young Schmidt: I'm gonna go for a lap around the block, then.
[present:]
Schmidt: The only thing she devoured more than my pizza was my self-esteem, and now she's back for seconds.

Schmidt: Leave me alone, ass hat!
Jess: I know you didn't mean that. Is there anything that we can do to make you feel better right now?
Schmidt: Schmaegalman's.
Cece: Schmaegalman's?
Louise: Schmaegalman's is his favorite deli. He loves their soup. He's telling us he's hungry! Do you not know when he's hungry?
Cece: I know when he's hungry, Louise.
Louise: I'll stay here in case he needs me. Cece, you go get the soup.
Cece: Maybe I should stay here, considering I'm his wife?
Louise: Fine. We'll order in Ling's Palace. It's fine. It's just fine. [shouting:] We're getting Ling's Palace because your wife won't get Schmaegalman's.

Jess: Hey, guys. I want everyone to have a really great trip. You both stay here. I'm gonna go to Schmergerman... I'm gonna go to Schmaegel...
Cece: Schmaegalman's.
Jess: Bagelman's?
Cece: No.
Schmidt: Schmaegalman.
Jess: Maegalman's?
Cece: Maegal. Yeah.
Jess: I'm gonna go to... to the deli.
Louise: You?
Jess: Can I borrow your car, please?
Louise: If you get so much as a scratch on it, you'll never leave New York. Because you'll be dead.
Jess: Because I'll be dead.
Louise: You can't handle that deli.
Jess: I think I can handle going to a deli.