Coach: You three are the worst chaperones possible on earth. A dog would be better than you. A plant wearing underwear would be better than you. Ray Charles' ghost would be better than you! Wh- What kind of men are you?

Jess: There are two ways this can go. Number one: you tell us why you ruined the dance. Number two: I bash your skull in with a carburetor!
Cece: I thought I was bad cop.
Jess: You are the bad cop. I'm the tough, competent cop, who's good at her job, you're the kind of fumbly, dumb cop who's nice and...
Cece: Yeah, that's not how it works, though. I mean, the good cop is nice and the bad cop is mean.
Jess: That would be nice cop, mean cop.
Cece: That's how it works on every cop show, when you watch it.
Jess: I watch cop shows.
Cece: You need to pay more attention.
Jess: I do pay attention.

Jess: Thanks for helping me with my school dance.
Cece: "Love is Forever, ever, ever..." - How many "and ever"s?
Jess: Technically infinity, but I could only fit 12.

Schmidt: Ay-ay-ay, I needed a shvitz.
Nick: Ech, me, too. My arms are so sore from doing so many push-ups.
Schmidt: That seems like a lie.
Nick: No, I'm trying to stay fit after the breakup. I've been eating salads. You know, no dressing. mostly just the protein.
Schmidt: What kind of salad you've been eating?
Nick: The little chopped of pieces of ham.
Schmidt: Just the ham?
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: Mm-hmm.
Nick: I don't like the lettuce. I think it's gross to eat stuff on earth that's green.
Schmidt: Well, look, you know baby steps...
Nick: Not baby steps. There were some pretty big pieces of ham.

Schmidt: You see? I'm proud of you. That's what I'm talking about. We're men. We've felt pain, we've survived it. Look at me. I'm watching Cece drool over some 20-year-old. How could she be interested in a boy when she could have these ripe berries? Look at these, Nick.
Nick: Put your towel down.

Winston: Oh, God, I need a shvitz. Why does my sweat smell like asparagus?
Schmidt: He does take all the sexual tension out of a room.
Winston: Man, I heat up every room I walk into. Put me next to a dozen eggs. They hatching. You know why? 'Cause I got the heat of a mother hen.
Nick: There was no sexual tension in here before he got here.
Schmidt: Keep telling yourself that, Nick.

Jess: You don't have to wear that, Coach.
Coach: As far as I'm concerned, this dance starts now. I know how important this dance is to you. Those kids won't get away with anything. They want to bang, they're gonna have to bang through me. Wait. If they want to bang, they're gonna have to bang through me! Wait.

Schmidt: We all think that you're an idiot for dating this 14-year-old.
Cece: He's 20.
Schmidt: That means he was seven when Good Will Hunting came out. Seven, Cece. Good Will Hunting.

Cece: Buster is more of a man than all of you. Okay? He's been to, like, 40 countries, he builds boats, he used to train snakes with his uncle.
Schmidt: Earning a respectable wage, wearing a proper-hanging pair of slacks, ordering sushi like a sick-ass boss. These things a man maketh.
Cece: So stupid stuff that you do. I know that technically you guys are men, but all you do is hang out with each other, like you're 12.
Nick: What do you know? You're just a stupid girl. [guys chuckle]

Cece: This bike lock was a real punk move. Seems like there's a lot of punks here. Did you do this? Hey. You did this? Huh? You did this?
Coach: Hey, easy, easy. If anyone's messing with this dance, it's one of those teachers Those hats were begging for payback. Let's do this. Hey. Listen up, chaperones. You will obey all of my instructions. This means everything to Jess. Your asses belong to me now. Which means I currently have four asses. The three of yours and mine.
Winston: I think we're capable of handling a bunch of prepubescent kids.
Coach: Do you think you are tough, Winston? You have no idea what these little bastards are capable of. I mean, I love them. I love them with all my heart. But they will hurt your feelings sometimes.