Winston: Let's see. KXHD136.
Schmidt: You memorized the package tracking number, but you didn't know that you could use that number to track the package?
Winston: What?! 9:18 A.M. refused delivery? Did you refuse a package to Retired Rear Admiral Jay Garage-A-Roo?
Schmidt: Listen to what you just asked. Of course I did.
Winston: Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it, Schmidt! I am Retired Rear Admiral Jay Garage-A-Roo! It is my Secret Santa alias.
Schmidt: Oh.
Winston: Yeah. Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Schmidt: You would've been my nightmare. We were on very strict instructions from Rabbi Schmulie not to say a word until the last Christian kid found out about Santa Claus. Ruining Christmas, very bad for our brand.

Nick: Well, Jess, Christmas is just so stressful... with the lists and the lines and-and the dancing girls at TV Town Song Room.
Schmidt: TV Town Song Room? Do you mean Radio City Music Hall?
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: How could you get so many things wrong in a row?
Nick: At Radio City Music's Hall.

Jess: Three, two, one. Midnight, November 1. Merry Christmas season.

Winston: It was Black Santa.
Schmidt: Santa Claus isn't even real.
Winston: We got a Black president, we got a Black Santa Claus.
Schmidt: It was not Black Santa Claus! What a ... that's ludicrous.
Winston: I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. Now, what is he doing? He should be at home getting ready.
Jess: I believe. I believe Sam and I want to go see him.
Winston: To the Black North Pole!

Schmidt: [v.o.] Obviously I was far too fat to work in marketing. So I got a job any dumb slob could do.
[flashback to Nick lounging about as Schmidt carries two newly-cut Christmas trees:]
Nick: Relax, man, it's your first day.
Schmidt: [v.o.] For a Jewish giant, I had a surprising knack for selling Christmas trees. Not only did my wide center of gravity make me freakishly strong, but I could also sell like the wind. Because I understood one fundamental truth. When you're buying Christmas trees you're really buying sex.

Schmidt: This will be the only gift that Cece is getting this Christmas, so whoever has her, please step it up.
Cece: Right, and the same goes for my man. Just because he doesn't believe in the Lord, doesn't mean he can't have cake at the birthday party. So, whoever has him better bring it... because I know I got the perfect gift for...
Jess: Up-bup-bup-bup! Secret Santa.

Jess: Merry Christmas Eve Eve, everybody! Secret Santa starts tonight at 6:00 P.M., AKA 7:00 P.M. eve. Snacks will be potluck.
Winston: I call baba ghanoush.
Jess: It brings back such good memories. My dad waking me up with hot cocoa, my dog Frank dressed up as Rudolph, looking out the window, watching for snow, dancing around the Christmas tree to the sweet sounds of Darlene Love's "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)."
Nick: Darlene what now?
Jess: [sings] The snow's coming down
Winston: Love me some Darlene.
Jess: [sings] I'm watching it fall
Schmidt: What am I watching now?
Jess: Two kilos of uncut joy.

Schmidt: Cece, do you want to come? I mean, I think there's a cab stand, uh... Uh, maybe it's down that way. Could be over there, I don't know. I didn't really give it away, you know. I'd never do that.
Cece: Happy Hanukkah.
Schmidt: Happy Moon Festival, Cece.
Cece: Nope, not a thing.
Schmidt: Happy Carnaval.
Cece: You should stop while you're ahead.

Jess: Weirdly, this is not the first time Nick has failed to mention elves in a crisis situation.