Previous Episode Next Episode 


Season 2, Episode 15 -  Aired January 29, 2013

Jess stays home alone as they guys go out to meet women. 

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Nothing? I mean, nothing? Damn it! I've been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour. It's like a taffy pull on a hot summer's day.
Jess: Eww! You have the door open, Schmidt.
Schmidt: I'm over myself ... I just don't do it for me anymore. I even bought myself a sexy pair of underpants to spice things up ... didn't happen. I just laid there. You know what? That's it. Tonight, I start having sex again. Now, are you two gonna join me?


Quote from Cece

Cece: Oh, my best friend has texted me, like, 12 times.
Shivrang: I get it ... you're just trying to get out of the date.
Cece: No, no, no ... no, this is real.
Shivrang: It's the kids thing. I knew it.
Cece: Some psycho keeps scratching at her door and then running away. She's pretty sure it's the Calabasas Scratcher. I mean, is that a thing?
Shivrang: What?
Cece: I don't keep up with local news.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Look how handsome I look.
Jess: That is a woman's coat.
Nick: This coat has clean lines... and pockets that don't quit.
Jess: And it has room for your hips.
Nick: And when I wear it, I feel hot to trot.
Jess: You're wearing a dress.
Winston: Yeah, don't say "hot to trot."
Nick: My coat makes me say things like that.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Hey, guys. Guess what? Sam has the late shift and Cece's on a date with some Indian guy, so world's best wing-woman reporting for duty.
Nick: Jess, you can't come.
Jess: What?
Nick: Look, I actually want to get girls tonight. You're my cooler.
Jess: What? All I do is help you get laid, Nick.
Jess: Maureen, did you have one very special long-time love?
Maureen: Yes.
Jess: You should be with him. [Maureen gets up and leaves]
Jess: I'm not your cooler.
Nick: It's not you. It's the way that you behave. And the things that you say. And the look on your face. And... It is you. You're the cooler.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: The only reason I'm out tonight is to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid.
Nick: That's not true. I'm not gonna... Shut up, Schmidt.
Holly: I mean, I could take care of you, if you wanted.
Schmidt: You can what?
Holly: I love sad guys and you seem sadder than most.
Nick: I think your plan sounds okay.
Holly: When you go home at night, do you look in the mirror and just think, "I am the worst"?
Nick: Actually yes, I do.
Holly: Yeah?
Nick: Yeah, a lot of the times.
Holly: You hate yourself?
Nick: I definitely don't like myself. It's right on the line of hate.

Quote from Jess

Nick: [on the phone] Uh, what is going on?
Jess: There's something at the door and you have to come home.
Nick: Cooler, Jess ... you are being a cooler right now.
Jess: Seriously, I think it might be gang related. I've always been worried about my blue curtains... Crips.
Nick: The Cri... Jess, I'm done!
Jess: Nick, I need you.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Okay, I understand how, in this instance, I might have cooled things off for you.
Nick: Thank you for admitting that.
Jess: I am prepared to fix it. 'Cause, son, I'm gonna get you laid.
Nick: Okay, it's not how it is and never call me "son" and don't talk like that.

Quote from Jess

Jess: The game is True American but with a sexy new twist, Clinton rules. Pick your interns.
Holly: I don't understand the game.
Nick: Uh, you're gonna be my intern.
Schmidt: It's okay, it's stripping.
Jess: It's not just stripping, it's sexy.
Holly: Okay, so what exactly are the rules?
Nick: The floor is lava, doves versus hawks.
Jess: The couch is the Mason-Dixon line.
Nick: We're not doing cabinets ... no cabinets.
Winston: No cabinet.
Schmidt: No cabinets.
Jess: One, two, three, four, JFK!
Guys: FDR!

Quote from Winston

Jess: Okay, we kissed. Let us out. Sent you a picture.
Winston: That ain't no kiss, man! Come on, Inspector Gadget, inspect those tonsils.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Holly, do you mind if I tell you a story?
Holly: Is it sad?
Nick: Holly, he's really happy! He's got a 401K and a six-pack!
Schmidt: Well, it's the tale of an uber successful marketing executive's journey...
Nick: I'm hairy and chubby!
Schmidt: ...into heartbreak. Her name was Cecelia.
Nick: No!

Page 2