Jess: I just need you to kidnap Shivrang so I can get Cece alone.
Winston: Roughhouse him a little bit, drop him off in the desert till he don't breathe no more?
Nick: What?!

Schmidt: Cece didn't give me a plus-one. How dare she not give me a plus-one. You can't invite an ex to a wedding and not give him the dignity of consolation sex. Girl better recognize. Schmidty gonna go get his plus-one.

Schmidt: Well, spoiler alert: Women are liars.
Nick: Yeah. Yeah.
Schmidt: They're supposed to want commitment, right? But then I offer it to them on a silver platter and they throw it back in my face like a comedy pie.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: I know this is awkward because we slept together, and I never returned any of your phone calls, so this might come as a shock to you, but... will you be my girlfriend?
Hot Girl #1: [sighs] Oh, God. I thought you had herpes. But no to the girlfriend, you dick.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Do you remember two years ago when we were watching coverage of the BP oil spill and doing it during the commercials and then you asked me if I wanted a serious relationship and I laughed in your face? Well, my new answer... is yes.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Be my girlfriend!
Woman: [screams]
Schmidt: What's that all about? [notices woman's groceries] Cream cheese in bulk?

Schmidt: No? Wait, wait, wait, please. Elizabeth?
Elizabeth: I'm only gonna say this once. You were the greatest boyfriend. I loved Big Guy. But then, you lost weight, and you got mean. You stopped listening to me. You changed completely. You stopped paying for my dinner.
Schmidt: Elizabeth, to be fair, at that point, you were eating the lion's share of the food.
Elizabeth: And you were sitting there eating one basil leaf, looking like an idiot panda bear.
Schmidt: Well...
Elizabeth: Look, I loved Big Guy with all my heart. But I have no interest in helping the guy who's standing in front of me now. I hate your hair.

Jess: Oh, my God! What is that?
Nick: I don't want to hear it, okay? My mother sent it to me. It belonged to my father. We have the same exact butt.
Schmidt: What are you wearing?
Nick: What are you wearing?
Schmidt: I'm dressed for my Booty Burn Boot Camp class. I know what you're thinking. It's not because I need it. I go to inspire the others. Please take that thing off. You look like a homeless pencil.

Cece: Hey, you listen to me. That is my future family, okay? You cannot speak like that in front of them. And, no, you cannot have a plus-one. This wedding has a budget. Plus-ones are for spouses and serious partners only.
Schmidt: So you just assume that I won't have a serious partner by then?
Cece: I know for a fact you won't, okay? You're not a relationship guy, and that is fine.
Schmidt: I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano's phone number just by randomly choosing numbers. Every girl that I've ever slept with wants to be my girlfriend. It's just the way that it is.
Cece: If you have a real girlfriend by the time of the wedding, I will happily give you a plus-one.
Schmidt: Challenge accepted.
Cece: Not a challenge.
Schmidt: Time to go make some dreams come true.

Nick: Hey.
Shivrang: Whoa. Hey, Nick. Sorry, I thought you were Jane Lynch.
Nick: Jane Lynch. Nice... nice wheels, man.

Nick: Too far! Winston!
Shivrang: Oh, take the car. Take the car.
Winston: I'm gonna beat your ass with an athletic stick, boy!
Nick: Winston! Winston!
Winston: Jess said to kidnap him, so that's what I'm doing.
Nick: It's a figure of speech, you idiot.

Cece: It just hit me. I'm about to commit the rest of my life to a man that I have never seen naked.
Jess: Cece, chances are he has, like, a standard garden-variety penis. And if we're all really honest with ourselves, isn't it all about the gonads? Am I right, ladies?
Model: No.
Jess: I'm trying to make her feel better.

Shivrang: So, if Jess is throwing Cece a surprise bachelorette party, does that make this my surprise bachelor party?
Winston: You shut that pretty mouth of yours, Romeo, before I fill it with fire!
Nick: Hey, you got to ease up, Winston.