Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Bachelorette Party’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

New Girl: Bachelorette Party

222. Bachelorette Party

Aired April 9, 2013

Jess throws a surprise bachelorette party for Cece. Meanwhile, Schmidt is determined to find a plus one for Cece's wedding, and Nick and Winston spend the evening with Shivrang.

Quote from Winston

Jess: I just need you to kidnap Shivrang so I can get Cece alone.
Winston: Roughhouse him a little bit, drop him off in the desert till he don't breathe no more?
Nick: What?!

Rate

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Oh, my God! What is that?
Nick: I don't want to hear it, okay? My mother sent it to me. It belonged to my father. We have the same exact butt.
Schmidt: What are you wearing?
Nick: What are you wearing?
Schmidt: I'm dressed for my Booty Burn Boot Camp class. I know what you're thinking. It's not because I need it. I go to inspire the others. Please take that thing off. You look like a homeless pencil.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Cece didn't give me a plus-one. How dare she not give me a plus-one. You can't invite an ex to a wedding and not give him the dignity of consolation sex. Girl better recognize. Schmidty gonna go get his plus-one.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Hey, you listen to me. That is my future family, okay? You cannot speak like that in front of them. And, no, you cannot have a plus-one. This wedding has a budget. Plus-ones are for spouses and serious partners only.
Schmidt: So you just assume that I won't have a serious partner by then?
Cece: I know for a fact you won't, okay? You're not a relationship guy, and that is fine.
Schmidt: I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano's phone number just by randomly choosing numbers. Every girl that I've ever slept with wants to be my girlfriend. It's just the way that it is.
Cece: If you have a real girlfriend by the time of the wedding, I will happily give you a plus-one.
Schmidt: Challenge accepted.
Cece: Not a challenge.
Schmidt: Time to go make some dreams come true.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Hey.
Shivrang: Whoa. Hey, Nick. Sorry, I thought you were Jane Lynch.
Nick: Jane Lynch. Nice... nice wheels, man.

Quote from Winston

Nick: Too far! Winston!
Shivrang: Oh, take the car. Take the car.
Winston: I'm gonna beat your ass with an athletic stick, boy!
Nick: Winston! Winston!
Winston: Jess said to kidnap him, so that's what I'm doing.
Nick: It's a figure of speech, you idiot.

Quote from Jess

Cece: It just hit me. I'm about to commit the rest of my life to a man that I have never seen naked.
Jess: Cece, chances are he has, like, a standard garden-variety penis. And if we're all really honest with ourselves, isn't it all about the gonads? Am I right, ladies?
Model: No.
Jess: I'm trying to make her feel better.

Quote from Winston

Shivrang: So, if Jess is throwing Cece a surprise bachelorette party, does that make this my surprise bachelor party?
Winston: You shut that pretty mouth of yours, Romeo, before I fill it with fire!
Nick: Hey, you got to ease up, Winston.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Well, spoiler alert: Women are liars.
Nick: Yeah. Yeah.
Schmidt: They're supposed to want commitment, right? But then I offer it to them on a silver platter and they throw it back in my face like a comedy pie.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: I know this is awkward because we slept together, and I never returned any of your phone calls, so this might come as a shock to you, but... will you be my girlfriend?
Hot Girl #1: [sighs] Oh, God. I thought you had herpes. But no to the girlfriend, you dick.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Do you remember two years ago when we were watching coverage of the BP oil spill and doing it during the commercials and then you asked me if I wanted a serious relationship and I laughed in your face? Well, my new answer... is yes.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Be my girlfriend!
Woman: [screams]
Schmidt: What's that all about? [notices woman's groceries] Cream cheese in bulk?

Quote from Cece

Jess: Cece, you wanted a bachelorette party ever since I've known you. Why do you have to pretend to be somebody you're not?
Cece: What are you saying?
Jess: I'm just saying, this is all moving really, really fast, and maybe you need to get to know Shivrang a little bit more, and maybe you need to slow this down so he can get to know you.
Cece: I'm getting married in three weeks. Are you saying that I shouldn't get married in three weeks?
Jess: No. I'm just saying that maybe you should...
Cece: I knew it! I knew it! You have been against this wedding from the beginning.
Jess: Fine! I don't think you should marry Shivrang if it means you have to change who you are.
Cece: Yeah, well, I don't need to take relationship advice from a girl who's in the middle of a seventh grade debacle with a boy across the hall! "Oh, I'm a single adult, and I kissed another single adult. What's gonna happen? Does Nick like me? I better go pick out a party dress. I wear pajama sets!"
Jess: You question my pajamas, you make me question our entire friendship.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: This is real. This is not a dream. Look, I've kept off the weight. You knew me when action sandals were my necessary footwear.
Elizabeth: What do you want?
Schmidt: Why do you think I want something?
Elizabeth: Because I dated you for four years. I know when you want something. What do you want?
Schmidt: I would like to take you to a wedding, because I miss you so much...
Elizabeth: No, I can't take you seriously when you're wearing such tight pants. Get to the point.
Schmidt: Okay, look, my model ex-girlfriend is getting married to some small little Indian man who I just don't understand. Okay, and I want you to pretend to be my girlfriend so she gets very sad, and then, breaks off the wedding, and then, runs away with me.
Elizabeth: No. Not a chance.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: No? Wait, wait, wait, please. Elizabeth?
Elizabeth: I'm only gonna say this once. You were the greatest boyfriend. I loved Big Guy. But then, you lost weight, and you got mean. You stopped listening to me. You changed completely. You stopped paying for my dinner.
Schmidt: Elizabeth, to be fair, at that point, you were eating the lion's share of the food.
Elizabeth: And you were sitting there eating one basil leaf, looking like an idiot panda bear.
Schmidt: Well...
Elizabeth: Look, I loved Big Guy with all my heart. But I have no interest in helping the guy who's standing in front of me now. I hate your hair.

Quote from Cece

Cece: I mean, I don't want to see it. I do. Okay. But not-not... not here. I'm sorry. It's just, you know, I-I... Sometimes it feels like we're just moving so fast, and I feel crazy that we're just... jumping in blindly. But maybe that's what makes this special. It's just a real leap of faith, Shivrang.
Shivrang: Yeah, uh, but look, the first thing that you need to know about me is that it's actually pronounced Shivrung.
Cece: I don't know how to pronounce your name?!
Shivrang: No, no. You were just so pretty, I didn't want to correct you. But look, the most important thing is that I am gonna do my best to make you the happiest woman on the face of the earth.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I will not take it off. I have a pass.
Schmidt: A pass? What kind of pass?
Nick: A Dead Dad Pass. Which means I can do what I want when I want and no one can say anything about it. Like right now, I want to tap dance, and you, Jess, you cannot tell me that this isn't tap.
Jess: Nick, that's just not tap!
Nick: My dad died!
Jess: I'm sorry. It's just not.

Quote from Nick

Winston: Hey, y'all. Look at these fancy invites. Do you think it's to a gala event? I've always wanted to go to a gala event.
Nick: Yeah.
Winston: What the hell are you wearing?
Nick: Dead Dad Pass.

Quote from Cece

Jess: I have not technically been asked to be maid of honor, but I am throwing Cece's surprise bachelorette party here tonight, and the only males invited are strippers, so oil up or get out, guys. Seriously though, this is a really big deal for her. Some girls plan their weddings, Cece planned her bachelorette party.
[flashback:]
Young Cece: I want to have the dirtiest bachelorette party of all time.
Young Jess: Then you better have it in a pigpen.
Young Cece: No, I mean I want strippers and a mechanical bull and balloons in the shape of ding dongs, and I want to wear the kind of underwear that goes between your cheeks.

Quote from Cece

Shivrang: Wait, listen. Look, babe. Just think. When all of this madness is over, you and I will finally get to, you know... [clicks tongue, smacks lips]
Cece: What are you doing? [Shivrang clicks his tongue] Freaking me out.
Shivrang: You know, make love. Which I am personally looking forward to greatly.
Cece: And we'll already be married forever.

Quote from Schmidt

Shivrang: Hello...
Schmidt: Shivrang? What are you doing here?
Shivrang: I, uh... You stole my question.
Schmidt: Hi. How are you doing? My invitation didn't have a plus-one. If this is a mistake, I would just like an apology for the pain that you've caused me. Also reimbursement for all travel expenses.
Cece: Not a mistake. There's no plus-one.
Ankita: Who is this?
Schmidt: I'm Gérard Depardieu. Who do you think I am, lady? I'm Schmidt.
Cece: Get in my room right now, Schmidt. Move.
Schmidt: I'm going to your room right now.

Quote from Jess

Sadie: I'm Sadie. I'm a lesbian. [The models greet her] I'm 39 weeks large right now. I can't stand for more than 60 seconds but just wanted to say I'm-I'm so excited to be raging with you all. So bring on the cranberry juice, right? I need this.
Jess: It's really weird. You're acting really weird.
Sadie: So many models.
Jess: I know. I know.
Sadie: So many.
Jess: You can look. Don't touch.
Sadie: One more thing? I am a doctor if anyone's got any areas they want... looked at. I'm fine to take a peek. That's too much.
Jess: Don't make me call your wife.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Surprise! It's your bachelorette party!
Cece: Jess, I...
Jess: Love it? I know. Complete with your favorite game, Pin the Dong on the Shivrang!
All: Pin the dong! Pin the dong!

Next Page 


 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  Select another episode