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‘Bachelorette Party’ Quotes

New Girl: Bachelorette Party

222. Bachelorette Party

Aired April 9, 2013

Jess throws a surprise bachelorette party for Cece. Meanwhile, Schmidt is determined to find a plus one for Cece's wedding, and Nick and Winston spend the evening with Shivrang.

Quote from Winston

Jess: I just need you to kidnap Shivrang so I can get Cece alone.
Winston: Roughhouse him a little bit, drop him off in the desert till he don't breathe no more?
Nick: What?!

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Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Oh, my God! What is that?
Nick: I don't want to hear it, okay? My mother sent it to me. It belonged to my father. We have the same exact butt.
Schmidt: What are you wearing?
Nick: What are you wearing?
Schmidt: I'm dressed for my Booty Burn Boot Camp class. I know what you're thinking. It's not because I need it. I go to inspire the others. Please take that thing off. You look like a homeless pencil.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Cece didn't give me a plus-one. How dare she not give me a plus-one. You can't invite an ex to a wedding and not give him the dignity of consolation sex. Girl better recognize. Schmidty gonna go get his plus-one.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Hey, you listen to me. That is my future family, okay? You cannot speak like that in front of them. And, no, you cannot have a plus-one. This wedding has a budget. Plus-ones are for spouses and serious partners only.
Schmidt: So you just assume that I won't have a serious partner by then?
Cece: I know for a fact you won't, okay? You're not a relationship guy, and that is fine.
Schmidt: I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano's phone number just by randomly choosing numbers. Every girl that I've ever slept with wants to be my girlfriend. It's just the way that it is.
Cece: If you have a real girlfriend by the time of the wedding, I will happily give you a plus-one.
Schmidt: Challenge accepted.
Cece: Not a challenge.
Schmidt: Time to go make some dreams come true.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Hey.
Shivrang: Whoa. Hey, Nick. Sorry, I thought you were Jane Lynch.
Nick: Jane Lynch. Nice... nice wheels, man.

Quote from Winston

Nick: Too far! Winston!
Shivrang: Oh, take the car. Take the car.
Winston: I'm gonna beat your ass with an athletic stick, boy!
Nick: Winston! Winston!
Winston: Jess said to kidnap him, so that's what I'm doing.
Nick: It's a figure of speech, you idiot.

Quote from Jess

Cece: It just hit me. I'm about to commit the rest of my life to a man that I have never seen naked.
Jess: Cece, chances are he has, like, a standard garden-variety penis. And if we're all really honest with ourselves, isn't it all about the gonads? Am I right, ladies?
Model: No.
Jess: I'm trying to make her feel better.

Quote from Winston

Shivrang: So, if Jess is throwing Cece a surprise bachelorette party, does that make this my surprise bachelor party?
Winston: You shut that pretty mouth of yours, Romeo, before I fill it with fire!
Nick: Hey, you got to ease up, Winston.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Well, spoiler alert: Women are liars.
Nick: Yeah. Yeah.
Schmidt: They're supposed to want commitment, right? But then I offer it to them on a silver platter and they throw it back in my face like a comedy pie.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: I know this is awkward because we slept together, and I never returned any of your phone calls, so this might come as a shock to you, but... will you be my girlfriend?
Hot Girl #1: [sighs] Oh, God. I thought you had herpes. But no to the girlfriend, you dick.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Do you remember two years ago when we were watching coverage of the BP oil spill and doing it during the commercials and then you asked me if I wanted a serious relationship and I laughed in your face? Well, my new answer... is yes.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Be my girlfriend!
Woman: [screams]
Schmidt: What's that all about? [notices woman's groceries] Cream cheese in bulk?

Quote from Cece

Jess: Cece, you wanted a bachelorette party ever since I've known you. Why do you have to pretend to be somebody you're not?
Cece: What are you saying?
Jess: I'm just saying, this is all moving really, really fast, and maybe you need to get to know Shivrang a little bit more, and maybe you need to slow this down so he can get to know you.
Cece: I'm getting married in three weeks. Are you saying that I shouldn't get married in three weeks?
Jess: No. I'm just saying that maybe you should...
Cece: I knew it! I knew it! You have been against this wedding from the beginning.
Jess: Fine! I don't think you should marry Shivrang if it means you have to change who you are.
Cece: Yeah, well, I don't need to take relationship advice from a girl who's in the middle of a seventh grade debacle with a boy across the hall! "Oh, I'm a single adult, and I kissed another single adult. What's gonna happen? Does Nick like me? I better go pick out a party dress. I wear pajama sets!"
Jess: You question my pajamas, you make me question our entire friendship.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: This is real. This is not a dream. Look, I've kept off the weight. You knew me when action sandals were my necessary footwear.
Elizabeth: What do you want?
Schmidt: Why do you think I want something?
Elizabeth: Because I dated you for four years. I know when you want something. What do you want?
Schmidt: I would like to take you to a wedding, because I miss you so much...
Elizabeth: No, I can't take you seriously when you're wearing such tight pants. Get to the point.
Schmidt: Okay, look, my model ex-girlfriend is getting married to some small little Indian man who I just don't understand. Okay, and I want you to pretend to be my girlfriend so she gets very sad, and then, breaks off the wedding, and then, runs away with me.
Elizabeth: No. Not a chance.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: No? Wait, wait, wait, please. Elizabeth?
Elizabeth: I'm only gonna say this once. You were the greatest boyfriend. I loved Big Guy. But then, you lost weight, and you got mean. You stopped listening to me. You changed completely. You stopped paying for my dinner.
Schmidt: Elizabeth, to be fair, at that point, you were eating the lion's share of the food.
Elizabeth: And you were sitting there eating one basil leaf, looking like an idiot panda bear.
Schmidt: Well...
Elizabeth: Look, I loved Big Guy with all my heart. But I have no interest in helping the guy who's standing in front of me now. I hate your hair.

Quote from Cece

Cece: I mean, I don't want to see it. I do. Okay. But not-not... not here. I'm sorry. It's just, you know, I-I... Sometimes it feels like we're just moving so fast, and I feel crazy that we're just... jumping in blindly. But maybe that's what makes this special. It's just a real leap of faith, Shivrang.
Shivrang: Yeah, uh, but look, the first thing that you need to know about me is that it's actually pronounced Shivrung.
Cece: I don't know how to pronounce your name?!
Shivrang: No, no. You were just so pretty, I didn't want to correct you. But look, the most important thing is that I am gonna do my best to make you the happiest woman on the face of the earth.


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