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‘Reagan’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

New Girl: Reagan

506. Reagan

Aired February 9, 2016

When Nick and Winston take a trip to the hospital, they meet Reagan, a pharmaceuticals saleswoman in need of a room.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I feel like one of those characters in the show Sax and the City talking about this.
Winston: Oh, no, you mean, um, uh, Sex and the City.
Nick: I'm talking about the one with the four ladies in a jazz band.
Winston: That's not a show.
Nick: Carrie, Miranda...
Winston: No.
Nick: The other one and the older one.
Winston: You're thinking of Sex and the City.
Nick: They would never allow that 'cause of the title.

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Quote from Nick

Reagan: Well, you are weirdly checking all of my boxes, so... I'll come take a look.
Nick: Great, good. The, uh, the address is... right here on the form under my name.
Reagan: Great, I'll see you tonight. Good luck with your... "smush pain that feels like everything came out of the sandwich."
Nick: Doesn't even hurt that much, actually.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Look, I'm sorry for not being open with you. The truth is-is I still can't believe that you're gonna marry me. You spent the summer of 2003 at the MTV Beach House. I spent that same summer watching Felicity on VHS and recording a fake radio show where I reviewed snacks. I love you. And I know you love me. And so... [Cece gasps as Schmidt pulls out a ring box, then reveals it's empty] I give you my trust. You've always had it. And I don't feel the need to show the world that I own you by putting some gaudy gem on your hand.
Cece: I love you. [chuckles]
Nick: Ha-ha!
Cece: But you are getting me a real ring.
Schmidt: You're gonna have a diamond the size of a raisin. We can go tomorrow. We'll pick it out together.

Quote from Reagan

Cece: Ouch... shoot. [inhales sharply]
Reagan: Hold on, let me see. Okay. You know what? Hold on a second. We have this new heat-activated antiseptic gel. You're gonna love it. Astronauts use it to masturbate.

Quote from Reagan

Reagan: Why don't I see any orders for Recombinex from you this month, Don?
Dr. Richards: Well, um...
Reagan: What is this? Spectavir, Donny? Are you kidding me?
Dr. Richards: Maybe we can talk when you've...
Reagan: When I've had a chance to consult my physician about the possible side effects of Spectavir? Side effects which include dry mouth and diarrhea, wet mouth and constipation, butt sneezing, hysterical deafness, unwelcomed night-running, dusty semen...
Dr. Richards: You know what, why don't I put in an order for Recombinex.
Reagan: Ooh, great, but only if you want to.
Dr. Richards: Anything else I can do for you?
Reagan: Not unless you can get me a hotel room downtown for the next month. My company is putting me at the Redbrick Lodge and Seafood Hut. My key is a fish.

Quote from Reagan

Reagan: Look. Cece is definitely too good for you.
Schmidt: I know.
Reagan: No, but seriously. Like, she's way too good for you.
Schmidt: No, I know that.
Reagan: Like, you should have never had a shot. It doesn't make any sense.
Schmidt: No, trust me. I said, like, I-I've known this the whole time.
Reagan: I understand quantum physics more than I understand how you ended up with Cece.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Don't be embarrassed, man. I want magic, too. I want her to have a metal bra, and then I got a sword in my hand, and guess what, we both wearing skirts. And we're riding on flying horses.
Nick: That's more like dork magic.

Quote from Aly

Aly: Okay, I don't want to upset you guys, but if you keep looking for magic, you're gonna be alone forever.
Nick: Did you just say you don't mean to upset us and then tell us we're gonna end up alone?
Aly: I actually don't care if I upset you.
Nick: Yeah, 'cause that's really upsetting.
Winston: You know, I got to... I got to say, I'm with Aly on this one; she's making sense. Which is why she always plays "smart cop" when we play "Smart Cop/Dumb Cop."
Aly: Not a game we play. I'm super worried you think we do, terrified.
Winston: I feel like we're playing it right now.
Nick: Great "dumb cop," great "smart cop."

Quote from Reagan

Nick: So that's where you'd put your, uh, body at night. Alone or with somebody. Up to you.
Winston: Ooh.
Reagan: Well, I like the room.
Nick: Great.
Reagan: I think I just want to get rid of the pillows, the yarn, the tote bags and anything else that makes me
feel racist against white people.
Winston: That's everything Jess owns, now, isn't it, Nick?
Nick: Gone. It's all gone. We'll take care of it.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Winston is the loft warrior. I'm kind of the rock of the group.
Winston: Really? He's the rock of the group, and I'm sure Reagan would love to see how the rock lives.
[cut to an uncharacteristically clean, tidy and nicely-appointed version of Nick's room:]
Winston: Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought.
Nick: So this is my room. I love it; it's my safe place. This is where I write my letters to editors. I'm a writer. It's where I also write checks to poor people. Charity is so important to me. Over there, that's, of course, my bed. That's where I dream, that's where I sleep, and with a lucky lady, I do sex. Do with her. This is where I do my exercises.
Winston: I'm fascinated. What exercises do you do?
Nick: Anything that involves the body, I do. I'm good, uh, as my coach says, horizontally and vertically. What does that even mean?
Reagan: Your life coach?
Nick: Uh, my trainer, my coach, my leader, my guru. [groans]
Reagan: Is that a bowl of mashed potatoes under your bed?
Winston: May God help us if it's not.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Don't leave, hold on. I-If you leave, the place could be rented. It's a hot property. There's a lot of applications.
Reagan: Who am I up against?
Nick: A CEO of a major company with computers. His name is Michael... Silvergold. Michael Silvergold.
Reagan: What is his credit score?
Nick: Michael Silvergold?
Reagan: Mm-hmm.
Nick: T... twenty.
Reagan: Twenty?
Nick: Five.
Reagan: Twenty-five.
Nick: Thousand.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Back off, Beach House!
Cece: So you're totally fine, huh?
Reagan: Are you freaking out because she hooked up with a woman? That's so boring.
Schmidt: Not at all. I completely appreciate the fluidity of sexuality. I'm basically a woman myself.
Winston: You're losing the thread.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: What are you talking about now?
Schmidt: Everybody knows that there is a window of time before any wedding where some amazing person comes out of the woodwork and tries to steal a bride. It's the plot of every romantic comedy. I'm the Bridgette Wilson-Sampras here!
Cece: Who?
Reagan: I don't know.
Schmidt: Oh, I suppose you're both too "cool" to have seen The Wedding Planner!
Winston: Well, I've seen it.

Quote from Aly

Aly: What was wrong with her?
Nick: I just wasn't feeling it.
Aly: What's "it"?
Nick: [scoffs] It's obvious. It's, you know, it's... [slurring] magic.
Aly: What?
Winston: Hmm?
Nick: Little bit of the magic thing, little bit of the...
Aly: "Man stick"?
Nick: I'm not saying "man stick."
Aly: It's what I heard.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Hey, what can I get you?
Man: Can I get a beer and, uh, your number?
Cece: Actually, I'm...
Schmidt: This woman is engaged. Her number belongs to God now. Thank you.
Man: My bad, I didn't see a ring.
Schmidt: I'm wo... I'm working on it. That's something I'm working on. Can't just put any ring on the hand of the most perfect woman in the world. Now shoo. Back to the mechanical shop or wherever it is you work.

Quote from Cece

Cece: Okay, so you're doing it again.
Schmidt: I'm doing what?
Cece: Ever since we got engaged, you've been acting insanely jealous. Look, all bartenders get hit on. It's just part of the job. Even Nick has groupies.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I'm saying "magic."
Winston: Oh.
Nick: I don't know, I just... I want magic. Is that so bad? I want the music to swell. I want the wind to blow. I-I want the clouds to part.
Winston: Yeah.
Nick: Love! Magic! Something exciting!
Aly: Why are you yelling?
Nick: Because I am embarrassed!

Quote from Nick

Nick: We have a room! We have a room available. I overheard you, sorry. We have a room. Uh, my name is Nick, uh, Nicholas for long. Uh, my friend and I have a lovely room for rent in our loft downtown. You see, our old roommate is on jury duty. Her name is Jess, Jessica. We had a little "will they/won't they." Then we did, and then we fought a little bit too much. We still have a really nice thing.
Winston: Excuse me, ma'am. I am truly sorry for my friend here, but I am sure it is not realistic that you would want to rent a place from total strangers.
Reagan: Normally, no, but I have a lobster tank in my bedroom.
Nick: We have no lobsters.

Quote from Nick

Reagan: What is the rent like?
Nick: What do you want it to be? I don't care.
Winston: What?
Nick: Cheap.
Reagan: Amenities?
Nick: Yeah, we got those.
Reagan: You got a rain shower? I love a rain shower.
Nick: Rain shower? Crazy enough, we were installing one today.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Just admit it, you're jealous.
Schmidt: Uh, I'm not. I simply want a demographic breakdown of all the guys who hit on you. You know, jacked dudes, swole dudes, yoked dudes. What in Megyn Kelly's America are you doing, Nick?

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