‘Thanksgiving III’ Quotes
310. Thanksgiving III
Aired November 26, 2013
Nick decides the gang should spend Thanksgiving camping in the woods.
Quote from Nick
Jess: Hey, mountain man. You want to come eat some dirty vegetables with us?
Nick: I should've known those beets weren't from nature. Nothing purple grows in nature.
Quote from Jess
Jess: I'm seeing some interesting things. I'm out of the office till Friday. For immediate assistance, please call Deb at extension A.C. Slater.
Quote from Nick
Winston: So this is Thanksgiving meal? 96 beers?
Nick: We can do this. Guys, we've gotten soft! With our antibiotics and our sports creams. Do you think George Washington had a pet cat?
Winston: Yeah.
Cece: No.
Nick: He didn't. He hunted them.
Jess: What?
Nick: And he made milk and butter out of their spoils.
Jess: That's terrible.
Coach: So you're saying George Washington milked his cat?
Cece: Nothing is sounding accurate right now.
Winston: Not at all.
Schmidt: Where'd you read this?
Quote from Winston
Winston: I'm not hunting. The only Hunt I want is Bonnie or Helen. You know what I'm talking about, Coach.
Coach: What?
Winston: Nick.
Quote from Jess
Nick: Where'd you get the cashews?
Jess: Um, on a bush.
Nick: How about the beets?
Jess: Also a bush.
Winston: That's right.
Coach: The avocado?
Jess: Also on a bush.
Nick: Well, look at us. Living off the land, fending for ourselves. We got fish and fruits, and this is probably gonna be the most delicious apple I've ever eaten in my life. "Product of Oregon"?
Jess: We walked to Oregon?
Cece & Winston: What?
Quote from Coach
Coach: I gotta be real with you.
Nick: Please.
Coach: I know how a guy can get, like, lost in a relationship. I've been there, dude. You're snuggling, you're snuggling, you're snuggling, and then, bam! Next thing you know, you're wearing a jean skirt and a tube top with no panties on, because you guys said you were gonna dress up like each other for Halloween. But she doesn't dress up like you. But you still go to the party.
Quote from Nick
Jess: Camping on Thanksgiving?
Nick: It might be a crazy Nick idea, but I kind of like it.
Jess: I thought you hated camping and nature. You said you were afraid a fly was gonna fly in your head and learn all your thoughts.
Nick: I am a man, and men belong in wilderness.
Quote from Schmidt
Winston: What the hell is on your head, Schmidt?
Schmidt: It's an exact replica of the hat. Viggo Mortensen wore in Hidalgo. Knew you'd like it.
Quote from Jess
Jess: Yay, I'm so happy you came! We're all together! It makes me so excited.
Cece: Of course! I mean, what could be better than camping in the woods with my ex-boyfriend and his friend I just made out with.
Jess: With whom you just made out.
Cece: Don't. You know I hate that.
Jess: It's very important.
Cece: Don't.
Jess: Grammar's important.
Cece: Seriously, don't.
Quote from Winston
Cece: Okay, hold on. Do you do you hate camping, too?
Winston: Are you kidding me? I absolutely hate camping.
Cece: Then why are we here?
Winston: Because I didn't get a say. I never get a say. Whenever I want to do something, they don't give a hoot.
[flashback:]
Winston: Guess who just got free passes to a pottery seminar.
Nick: Get out of here.
Schmidt: Winston!
[present:]
Winston: We could've made the craziest mugs, man.
Quote from Nick
Jess: Where's the food? Where- Where are all the pies I made?
Nick: Look, don't worry, Jess. 'Cause the food is right here.
Jess: I'm sorry. I don't understand that gesture.
Nick: We're gonna be hunting and foraging for our dinner, just like the Indians and the Pilgrims.
Jess: But you brought beer.
Nick: You can't forage for beer. And that's a necessity.
Quote from Schmidt
Nick: I'm not saying it's gonna be easy. It's gonna be hard. But we will emerge out of this better friends and a tribe.
Coach: I'm on board. [chuckles] Going old-school. Men! Killing! Hunting! Men!
Schmidt, Coach & Nick: Men! Men! Men! Men!
Schmidt: Oh, my cowman's my cowman my cowman's hat, my cowman's hat.
Quote from Winston
Winston: Guys, look, I'm as much a man as anybody here, but this plan is straight-up dookie. I need my sweets and I need my parade.
Quote from Nick
Nick: These wilderness guides right here detail what plants are safe for eating and what traps we can build. Unfortunately, I ran out of money, so I couldn't print out the chapters on gutting and skinning, but we'll worry about that when we get there. Pilgrim rules. Men, hunters! Women, foragers.
Quote from Nick
Nick: This is perfect. Primal man in nature. Stalking prey. Who's basically the lady now, Coach?
Coach: I've seen that tree six times in the past 20 minutes. We're definitely moving in a small circle.
Nick: Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna clear a path this way. We will travel northbound, I believe.
Coach: That's not north; that's south.
Nick: That is south? Then let's travel southbound. I'm gonna clear a path. If something's in there and you get injured, I promise you I will kill you fast.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: Scat! Scat. There's an animal nearby.
Nick: Hey, Schmidt, that's a raisin, man.
Schmidt: That's not a raisin. This is scat. [eats it]
Coach: Okay.
Schmidt: [coughs, clears throat] That's poop for sure. I was right. In your face, Nick.
Coach: In your face, Nick.
Nick: How so?
Coach: I don't know, he put a put a turd in his mouth.
Nick: And that's in my face?
Coach: Yeah.
Quote from Nick
Schmidt: That's a mighty big hole there, Nick. You trying to catch a refrigerator?
Nick: It's a bear hole. Bear falls in, other stuff falls in. We take what the bear doesn't want.
Coach: Makes sense.
Schmidt: Classic human/bear team-up.
Nick: I'm from Chicago. It's the best I can do.
Coach: Yeah, bears love to share.
Schmidt: What are you planning on doing with that bear when he falls into the hole?
Nick: Dude, I'm trying the best that I can! We have no food.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: Now that the cards are finally on the table, I guess we can see who the true camp master really is.
Coach: The answer's me.
Schmidt: First one to make a flame wins. Let's do this. Now, check this out. This is how you make a flame. You go with two rocks. One against the other. You create friction.
Coach: I'm done.
Schmidt: What?
Coach: I'm done.
Schmidt: Well, that's barely a flame, it's going out. [fire expands] Whoa! Well, goodness gracious! What are you? A sorcerer? Damn it!
Quote from Nick
Nick: Don't patronize me, Jess.
Jess: I'm not.
Nick: Ever since we started dating, Jess, we've been doing a bunch of girly stuff, and I like some of it and you, but my tolerance to alcohol has, like, gotten really, scary low. I drank three beers, and I got, like, all giggly and tired. And I didn't want a fourth. Last night, I had a dream that I was brushing a horse. I just feel like I'm losing myself a little. Just let me eat this disgusting fish and..
Jess: No, Nick, Nick.
Nick: Yeah, just let me be over here.
Quote from Jess
Jess: I just want to see more carpet samples before I make a final decision.
Quote from Jess
Jess: There are dogs that have dollar signs but don't even own banks.
Quote from Coach
Schmidt: Look, I admit it. You're a better camper than I am. You're better at life than I am. You're probably better at dating Cece than I am. I saw you guys the other night inhaling each other in front of the loft.
Coach: Schmidt, that's all we did. That was it. I asked her to come upstairs, she said no, okay? And now she won't return any of my text messages. She's been ignoring me this whole trip. I'm all, like, "Hey." She's like, "Mm-hmm." I'm like, "What?" Why are you smiling, dude?
Schmidt: I'm not smiling.
Coach: I'm over here baring my soul to you, dude, and you're freaking smiling in my face.
Schmidt: Yeah. This is the face I make when I listen.
Coach: All your teeth show when you listen?
Schmidt: I'm not.
Coach: You're smiling right now. I opened up to you. You're pissing me off. Stop smiling.
Quote from Nick
Jess: Thanks for saving me, mountain man.
Nick: So I've got good news from the doctor: you don't have rabies.
Jess: Oh.
Nick: You have, uh, giardia and something called Legionnaires' disease. I'm just glad they were able to save your foot.
Jess: What?
Nick: No, nothing. Never mind.