Jess: I'd really love to come home and soak in a beautiful bathtub.
Schmidt: Bathtubs are Medieval filth cauldrons ... pass.
Nick: Yeah, it's a waste of money, Jess.
Schmidt: I'm not interested in simmering in testicle tea for 20 minutes.

Winston: Jess and I want a tub. We want candles and bubbles. Oh, damn it, Schmidt, we want bubbles, man. I want to cover everything up on my body with bubbles. You know, and then just blow 'em off like this... and laugh, like...

Winston: How come I'm James Brown?
Jess: When you don't smile for my pictures, you get replaced. You come home after a long, hard day at work.
Nick: Tired.
Jess: You want to relax, but how? How about soaking in a glorious bubbly pool for one? Sipping the nectar of the gods.
Nick: I don't get it ... is this bath water?
Schmidt: Might as well be; It's rosé. Burn notice, France.

Winston: Jess, I want to talk to you about your bathtub pitch. I love baths. I do. Back in Latvia, we had a great tub. But I tell you what... there are parts of my butt only a tub can clean.
Jess: Ew, but okay!
Winston: Okay, here's what we're gonna do, so the guys don't know. We're gonna split the 400 bucks for the tub. Then we can hide it on the roof and install it in the middle of the night, and then we can just pretend like you did it without our permission.
Jess: Or we could just... say that you wanted a tub, too.
Winston: How about we just keep this a Jess and Winston thing?

Cece: Schmidt, this isn't a good time.
Schmidt: Cece, please. Just... just open the box.
Cece: You brought a pigeon into my house?
Schmidt: I couldn't find a dove. Come on, Beatty. [kicks table, imitates cooing, flaps arms] It's... it was supposed to fly out when you opened up the lid.
Cece: What are you doing?
Schmidt: I love you, Cece. And I have been in love with you for so long. I used to think it was just a heavy like, but... it's love. [the pigeon flies off] There it goes.
Cece: Is this real? For you?
Schmidt: Yes. Cece, I'm ready for a serious commitment. I'm up for a huge promotion at work. I'm ready to have kids with you, if that's what you want.
Cece: You want to have kids?
Schmidt: Let's go right now, let's go make a kid. Take your top off.

Cece: Schmidt, my mother... she's gonna hate you. Okay? You're Jewish. She hates Jews; I mean, she really hates them.
Schmidt: Everybody hates the Jews. Your mom's in the majority. I'll convert to Indianism. Hindi... Hindi-is...eh? Indiani-Indi... Indi-Buddhi-ism?
Cece: Schmidt, we have so much going against us.

Cece: The woman who made you sign a contract so she could have sex with you, your boss?
Schmidt: No. No. Uh... Yeah.
Cece: Yeah.
Schmidt: No... but nothing happened. She just wanted me to taste the V. That came out wrong.
Cece: Yeah.
Schmidt: I thought about... I thought about the boss's boobs once. They're still real nice, but I didn't have no connection to them emotionally, whatsoever.

Jess: Gentlemen, hi. I'd just like a moment of your time.
Nick: Jess, you can't turn that off.
Jess: If I may. I have a word that's gonna change your life.
Schmidt: The answer is already "no."
Jess: Bathtub.
Nick: Bathtub's two words.
Schmidt: It's one word.
Nick: Bathtub is two words.

Winston: Feel like I'm at a garden party, haven't even left home.

Emma: Take a look at the specs and come into my office tomorrow in your best suit, and, uh, blow me away with your take. [walks away]
Schmidt: My best suit ... I can put on my best suit. Okay. [pulls out a binder] Wasted project, Nick, huh? Herringbone?! How did you get in here?