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‘Bathtub’ Quotes

New Girl: Bathtub

210. Bathtub

Aired December 4, 2012

Jess tries to convince the guys to get a bathtub. Meanwhile, Schmidt decides to tell Cece how he feels about her.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: I'd really love to come home and soak in a beautiful bathtub.
Schmidt: Bathtubs are Medieval filth cauldrons ... pass.
Nick: Yeah, it's a waste of money, Jess.
Schmidt: I'm not interested in simmering in testicle tea for 20 minutes.

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Quote from Winston

Winston: Jess and I want a tub. We want candles and bubbles. Oh, damn it, Schmidt, we want bubbles, man. I want to cover everything up on my body with bubbles. You know, and then just blow 'em off like this... and laugh, like...

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: How come I'm James Brown?
Jess: When you don't smile for my pictures, you get replaced. You come home after a long, hard day at work.
Nick: Tired.
Jess: You want to relax, but how? How about soaking in a glorious bubbly pool for one? Sipping the nectar of the gods.
Nick: I don't get it ... is this bath water?
Schmidt: Might as well be; It's rosé. Burn notice, France.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Jess, I want to talk to you about your bathtub pitch. I love baths. I do. Back in Latvia, we had a great tub. But I tell you what... there are parts of my butt only a tub can clean.
Jess: Ew, but okay!
Winston: Okay, here's what we're gonna do, so the guys don't know. We're gonna split the 400 bucks for the tub. Then we can hide it on the roof and install it in the middle of the night, and then we can just pretend like you did it without our permission.
Jess: Or we could just... say that you wanted a tub, too.
Winston: How about we just keep this a Jess and Winston thing?

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Schmidt, this isn't a good time.
Schmidt: Cece, please. Just... just open the box.
Cece: You brought a pigeon into my house?
Schmidt: I couldn't find a dove. Come on, Beatty. [kicks table, imitates cooing, flaps arms] It's... it was supposed to fly out when you opened up the lid.
Cece: What are you doing?
Schmidt: I love you, Cece. And I have been in love with you for so long. I used to think it was just a heavy like, but... it's love. [the pigeon flies off] There it goes.
Cece: Is this real? For you?
Schmidt: Yes. Cece, I'm ready for a serious commitment. I'm up for a huge promotion at work. I'm ready to have kids with you, if that's what you want.
Cece: You want to have kids?
Schmidt: Let's go right now, let's go make a kid. Take your top off.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Schmidt, my mother... she's gonna hate you. Okay? You're Jewish. She hates Jews; I mean, she really hates them.
Schmidt: Everybody hates the Jews. Your mom's in the majority. I'll convert to Indianism. Hindi... Hindi-is...eh? Indiani-Indi... Indi-Buddhi-ism?
Cece: Schmidt, we have so much going against us.

Quote from Nick

Cece: The woman who made you sign a contract so she could have sex with you, your boss?
Schmidt: No. No. Uh... Yeah.
Cece: Yeah.
Nick: No... but nothing happened. She just wanted me to taste the V. That came out wrong.
Cece: Yeah.
Schmidt: I thought about... I thought about the boss's boobs once. They're still real nice, but I didn't have no connection to them emotionally, whatsoever.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Gentlemen, hi. I'd just like a moment of your time.
Nick: Jess, you can't turn that off.
Jess: If I may. I have a word that's gonna change your life.
Schmidt: The answer is already "no."
Jess: Bathtub.
Nick: Bathtub's two words.
Schmidt: It's one word.
Nick: Bathtub is two words.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Feel like I'm at a garden party, haven't even left home.

Quote from Schmidt

Emma: Take a look at the specs and come into my office tomorrow in your best suit, and, uh, blow me away with your take. [walks away]
Schmidt: My best suit ... I can put on my best suit. Okay. [pulls out a binder] Wasted project, Nick, huh? Herringbone?! How did you get in here?

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: [quietly] I hope you like it. I poured that one for you. Drink it up. [normally] This is coming off weird ... it's creepy, right?
Jess: Go get her.
Nick: I can't do that. I can't talk to thirsty.
Jess: Thirsty?
Nick: I don't know her name, so I call her Thirsty. Thirsty Mendelson.
Schmidt: Oh, you made her Jewish?
Nick: I didn't make her Jewish.
Schmidt: Mendelson? She's not Jewish?
Nick: Well, thirsty...
Schmidt: If her last name's Mendelson, she's Jewish. Tell you what her first name is, too ... It's Rachel.

Quote from Nick

Nick: What I have with thirsty is perfect. She's surly like I'm surly, and she rolls her eyes at everybody like I roll my eyes at everybody. She likes to drink in the afternoon. And I like to drink in the afternoon.
Jess: Go talk to her.
Nick: No, I can't. That breaks the first rule of bartending ... never cross the bar.

Quote from Jess

Winston: Jess. You want to help me at the jukebox really quick?
Jess: Oh, my God, yes ... I've always wanted to do this with you.
Winston: Well, I was gonna go "Raspberry Beret," but...
Jess: If we're gonna go Prince, I think we should go, like...

Quote from Cece

Nick: Hey, Cece, you okay?
Cece: Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. Just broke up with Robby.
Nick: I'll make you a drink.
Schmidt: What ha... what happened?
Cece: Um, I told him I had to start getting serious about having kids and he said, "Okay, that's cool." But then that's all he said for the next eight hours, and he hasn't said anything to me since.

Quote from Cece

Cece: Schmidt! I have to get serious about my future, otherwise my mom is going to set me up with a hundred sweet, gentle, painfully boring Indian guys.
Schmidt: Oh, my God, your mother. "I want to control your life."
Cece: That's how my parents met and they had a beautiful, healthy marriage.
Schmidt: I respect your parents ... I do. I respect everything that ... look what they've created. Look at that... look at your beauty, with your hair. I'd eat it out of a bowl, your hair. I'd put it in a bowl and I'd eat your hair.
Nick: Oh, my God.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: [to the mirror] Hey, Cece. I-I know it's unexpected that I'm here. It's because I wanted to tell you something. You're my boo. You're my boo and I'm... and I'm... I been missing you. I been missing you oh, so long.
Nick: You know what's weird? I don't find this weird anymore.
Schmidt: What's your problem, Nick ... how long you been standing there? How much of that did you hear?
Schmidt: I'm in love, man. I'm in love with Cece.
Nick: Everyone knows that, you dumb-ass. You always have been.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I've never wished I was dead more. Schmidt's gonna freak out. He once told me he spent $300 on a pocket square. [screams] No! [normally] Am I overreacting?
Winston: Eh, that's about right.

Quote from Jess

Remy: There you go... good as new. So, I've, uh, handled this one-man job, any two-man jobs you want us to tackle?
Jess: I think we're good. Thanks, Remy.
Remy: You sure there's not something else that needs fixing? Maybe in the... lady's bedroom?
Jess: Uh, yeah, I think we're done ... thank you, Remy. I will return your ladder when I feel like it. Thank you, bye. [to Winston] He's so weird.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Um, okay, so, phase two. Didn't Schmidt make us get renter's insurance when he almost tore down that rafter with the sex swing?
Winston: Jess, we fake a robbery. We fake a robbery for the insurance.
Jess: That's a great idea.
Winston: We're a couple of meth-heads.
Jess: Oh, yeah.
Winston: Boom.
Jess: [raspy voice] Got any meth? Got any rings on your fingers? I need them for meth.

Quote from Nick

Angie: Well, what are you standing there for? Go grab a bottle and get me drunk, idiot.
Nick: Well, I-I couldn't drink with you ... I work here. Just kidding, I get drunk, like, all the time. I've got a drinking thing. You got it. I also have all the access to pistachios if you want, like, a full... I'll make my own mind up on that.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: He took my doctor's appointment suit! He took El Capitan! Damn it! The only thing he left was my summer suit with the lightning bolt on the back. I keep that in my summer bin along with my summer condoms: citrus-flavored, for a more refreshing summer experience.
Jess: That's a jar.
Winston: Jar for sure, yeah.
Schmidt: Look at this, took my suits. Left the... Left the douche bag jar. Typical meth-head.
Jess: Typical meth-head.
Winston: Yeah, it's a shame.
Schmidt: Good thing that I have a security camera in there. I'm gonna download the footage and I.D. this S.O.B. He's going down.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: So many years of footage. This is from last May. I was trying to add an extra ab muscle.
Winston: Jess, I can't take this...
Schmidt: This is when I was experimenting with faux hawks.
Winston: I can't, I can't, I can't take it, Jess.
Jess: You can. You're gonna blow this.
Winston: My face is numb.
Schmidt: This is when I was lowering my bar sexually.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I can't believe this is happening. It's such an important day.
Jess: What's happening today?
Schmidt: I just have to look good. Okay? Not like some Ukrainian dentist.

Quote from Winston

Jess: Wiston, are you out of your head?
Winston: Security camera.
Jess: What are you doing?
Winston: Schmidt has a security camera. Why did I think he didn't have a security camera?
Jess: Oh. You're a briefs man. I was hoping I'd never find out.
Winston: Oh, my goodness, we should not have gone for that tub. I just like bubbles so much...
Jess: Winston, I think you're having a panic attack.
Winston: Hmm? Shut up, hey, Jess, no. I'm, uh... this is just the willies.
Jess: The w... the what? The... the willies?
Winston: The willies, yeah. It's the same thing that happened when I took my driver's test.

Quote from Jess

Jess: A lot of people get panic attacks.
Winston: The willies.
Jess: My dad used to get them all the time. Like, every time he had to make a left turn. It would take him two and a half hours to drive me to school. We'd just drive all around Portland, making right turns.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I'm out there every night, balling to the max, and you expect me to do what, just stop and chew up some cherry-flavored multi-V? No, thanks. I'll take my vitamins on the rocks. Double V. Heart. Spirit. Body. Party.
Emma: You gotta get specific about this vodka. Have you tried Double V?
Schmidt: No.
Emma: Let's open up this bitch.
Schmidt: Let's open up... okay.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Ladies! Stop fighting! Hey, hey! Stop this now! Don't stop this! I'm super aroused! I think I just became a dirt bag. Why did I cross the bar?

Quote from Cece

Schmidt: Cece, I can pay for our baby's college now. Literally anywhere they want to go. UCLA, UMass... any of the U schools. I love you so much.
Cece: You should probably... Oh, not... It's okay.
Schmidt: Cece, I'm gonna pee in my summer suit.
Cece: [on the phone] Hey, Mom, it's me. I think I'm ready to have you set me up. This is not a prank. Call me back.

Quote from Jess

Winston: Oh, my goodness. Thank you, man.
Remy: I see. If you guys have been playing hard to get, you don't have to. I am totally ready to get mixed up in this choco-vanilla shake.
Jess: No.
Remy: Yeah, you know what I'm talking about here. I'm just talking about...
Jess: Yes... I know, I know. We got it, we got it, Remy.
Remy: ...doing it with-with both of you.
Jess: We got it. Yeah.

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: Oh, come on! Again?
Winston: Thank God. The meth-heads came back.
Jess: They brought your suits back 'cause they don't fit them. They did the right thing, 'cause they're drug addicts, they're not monsters.
Winston: Right.
Jess: They actually got them dry-cleaned, um... deluxe package, very pricey.
Schmidt: Why'd he tie you up?
Jess: They kept saying, like, "Ah, I'm so hungry for more meth," you know? "Let's get rid of these suits. These clean... suits."

Quote from Nick

Nick: What can I get you to drink, Angie?
Angie: Oh, no, I don't... I just want to... hang out.
Nick: I've got this rule. Never cross the bar. And I broke that rule, and... Look, these 18 inches of oak are the only thing that separates me from guys like Sid over there. No disrespect. I got your next round.
Angie: Well, I don't have any rules.
Nick: Don't do... don't... No customers...behind the bar. Oh, Sid, you gotta... You're killing me. Sit down and drink your beer.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: [to the mirror] I'm a man with feelings. Feelings that are bubbling up inside of me, and...they're about to explode. I'd like for those feelings to explode on you. [cut] You got this, dawg. Look at you, dawg. Look at you! Look at your face, dawg! Look at your face! You got this, son! [sings] Well, I love you And I've never said those words Well, I love you, from the bo...

Quote from Nick

Nick: Th... really nice place. Uh, this is where you work. You the ticket-taker?
Angie: No, I'm a stripper.
Nick: Yeah. But what is it that you do here?
Angie: Stripper.
Nick: Because college is so expensive these days...
Angie: I'm a stripper.
Nick: But only topless.
Angie: Completely naked.


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