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‘Julie Berkman's Older Sister’ Quotes

New Girl: Julie Berkman's Older Sister

403. Julie Berkman's Older Sister

Aired September 30, 2014

Jess gets a surprise when her dad, Bob (Rob Reiner), turns up with his new girlfriend. Meanwhile, Schmidt needs the guys' help as he tries to win a marketing campaign for sponges.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: No, I'm not happy. I'm poor, and I'm living in a filthy thimble. I've gone from riches to rags. It's reverse Annie.
Nick: Oh, spoiler alert. Now you just ruined Annie.

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Quote from Jess

Cece: Your dad is dating Trashley Berkman? Didn't she... ?
Jess: Yes. She sexually intercoursed my high school boyfriend George Jiang underneath the bleachers.
Cece: While you were sitting...
Jess: Yes! While I was sitting on those bleachers. Have you ever seen sex from above, Cece? It's horrible. That's why God thinks it's a sin.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Give him the account. He's a hard worker, and he's a neat freak. How do I know that? 'Cause I share a room with him.
Gina: You two share a room?
Nick: And you should see his side. It is so clean. It looks like the inside of a Japanese subway. Speaking of sharing a bedroom, Brittany's coming over tonight. Uh, so I'm gonna need ten to 15 minutes of privacy for... I don't need 15 minutes. That's excessive. Give me five to ten. That feels braggy. Give me three to five, but no less than three 'cause that's rude to girls.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Don't worry, don't worry. I got it. I got it. I'll just clean it.
Coach: Dude, there's a sponge in your hand.
Schmidt: No, let him go. He's my inspiration. You know, living with him in that slovenly hellhole has been a secret blessing. It's made me stronger. Without ash to rise from, the phoenix would just be a bird getting up. I am a phoenix, and I will rise.
Cece: He usually says that speech before sex.
Schmidt: By 2015, I will have my own room. And by 2016... [looks off into the distance]
Coach: What is he looking at?
Nick: I don't know.
Schmidt: ...I will be a millionaire.

Quote from Bob Day

Bob Day: Damn it. She won't answer any of my calls. I left ten voice mails. Two of them, I'm screaming. Three, I'm crying. One is a long silent one. Nothing! And it's all your fault... both of you guys. But mostly you.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: So, I'm... I'm pitching on the sponge account today. It's kind of a... it's kind of a big deal. I'm just wondering why my idea notebook is covered in crimson stains.
Nick: Oh, that's a fair question. It's either Sloppy Joes, or it's blood.
[flashback to Nick getting a nose-bleed while eating Sloppy Joes, using Schmidt's notebook as a tissue]
Schmidt: You unbelievable pig person! You giant, fat pig person! You sloth. You should be living in a tree in Costa Rica, you know that?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: We all know that men are idiots.
Gina: How long have you been in my office?
Schmidt: But what we don't know is how much they love to clean.
Gina: You're wasting my time, Schmidt. Go.
Schmidt: Come on, Gina, you have to give me this account. They want to market sponges to men. I'm the only man in the office.
Gina: Oh, speaking of. Sherri, you got the sponge account!
Sherri: Touchdown!
Schmidt: Just hear me out here. The reason why men don't talk about how much they love to clean is because they're afraid to admit it. Give me a chance here. Be the one to put Schmidt on the map. Let's blast America right in the face with a little bit of Schmidt.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: 3:00 today... that sounds great. I love that idea. Mm-hmm, you just... you just earned a special thank you in my autobiography. Working title: Punting the Sweet Fantastic.
Gina: I feel like you kind of have to do something to write a book about yourself.

Quote from Nick

Nick: "Sponges make me feel more exhilarated than any home run or touchdown ever could." This is ridiculous, man. I'm out! I can buy my own pizza. Can somebody please loan me $15? Maybe like 20, 25, depending on toppings, 'cause I'd love to get a bunch of ham.
Winston: Ham.
Coach: What about the tip, dude? What about tip?
Nick: I don't give tips. It's for delivery. You don't tip delivery people, ever.
Winston: You definitely tip delivery people, but...

Quote from Jess

Cece: So what are you gonna do?
Jess: I could write him a letter about my feelings.
Cece: We... Yeah, but her phone is in her purse, and we could check her phone for dirt on her.
Jess: But he hates letters. He always gets so frustrated opening the envelope.

Quote from Bob Day

Jess: Dad. Thanks for waiting.
Bob Day: I wasn't waiting. I just can't get this damn thing started.
Jess: You're just pressing buttons.
Bob Day: This was supposed to be a big weekend for me and Ashley. I had everything planned. I... I even wrote new lyrics to our... our song. [sings] Ashley, marry me... [Jess starts the car] Y... you didn't have to do that, you know. I can take care of myself.
Jess: Can you? Dad, if I hadn't protected you after you and Mom's divorce, you would've ended up with Nancy Zimmerman.
Bob Day: Oh, Nancy Zimmerman.
Jess: She was bad news, Dad.
Bob Day: Ooh, v... very bad. You don't know the half of it. That woman made me try cocaine in 2005.
Jess: What, Dad?! Booger sugar?
Bob Day: Yes. Nicaraguan yazz.
Jess: Are you kidding me?
Bob Day: It was a very expensive evening. I wound up buying his and her Jet Skis.


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