Winston: Joanie... [chuckles] I don't want to lie to you, so I'm not... There's shells all in these eggs.

Winston: Look, this might not be the right time to say this, you guys, but, uh, should we take a straw poll on this whole Cosby thing?

Coach: This is a nice place. I mean, it's not the best vineyard in Portland.
Schmidt: Here we go.
Coach: That's Bartleby Cellars, of course.
Cece: How would you even know that?
Nick: Whenever Coach goes to a new city, he learns all about it, like a real weirdo.
Coach: I was an army brat, all right? I moved a lot. Assimilating was key. Oh, and by the way, calling somebody weird in Portland is actually a compliment, so thank you, Nick.

Nick: Hey! You mind if I turn this down? [volume decreases] "AP Stat Jams." Advanced Placement. Very smart. How many Lilith Fairs did you go to? Oh, Method Man performed at that one?
Jess: It's Liliths Fair. Like "passersby..." or "attorneys general."

Bob Day: Ooh, before I forget, best man. The wedding rings. Hey, I want you to meet a bunch of relatives that are all going to be dead in a couple of years.
Jess: Oh, good idea.

Jess: So this is my childhood home, the place of my birth. Thank you guys so much for doing this, and coming on this tour with me. I forgot all about...
Joan Day: [British accent:] Hello, hello, hello, darling! ["God Save the Queen" playing] Where's the famous Mr. Geauxinue?
Jess: Um... well... actually, um, Ryan... had to cancel last-minute, so he's not coming. I'm so sorry.
Joan Day: Oh, honey... that's just awful. Aw... Damn men. Oh, I feel so bad for you.

Coach: I didn't read about this place.
Cece: That's because it's not in any guidebook, Tagliaboo. It is called Crush Pond. At least that's what Jess and I used to call it. We used to come down here when she liked somebody. We'd throw a rock in the pond, and we'd wish that they liked her back.
Coach: Huh.
Cece: I'd sit over there and smoke cloves while she did that.

Schmidt: Oh, this is very hard to watch. It's like when Bob Costas had that eye infection at the O-Lympics.
Coach: You mean the Olympics.

Nick: Well, look, I came to, uh... give you this. Text Ryan as much as you want, it's none of my business. I just think long-distance relationships suck. I once broke up with a woman who lived in Irvine, and that's only 30 minutes away. Mind you, I had hornets living in my car at the time, which was a factor, but the commute was also a big part of it.

Jess: [on the phone] The guys and I are about to leave for the airport, and I'm so excited to see you.
Winston: Is that Ryan?
Jess: I can't wait for you to see my hometown. It's going to be just like An Affair to Remember, only instead of the Empire State Building on New Year's Eve, it's going to be a winery near the Portland airport at my dad's wedding. Anyway, I love you, I miss you. [Schmidt groans] Hello? Hello? Sounds like I lost you for a minute! Are you there?! Where's my widdle Eng-wish man?
Schmidt: And with that, Ryan walked into the River Thames and accepted death.
Jess: The joke's on you, 'cause I wasn't even talking to him. I was leaving a voice mail. Haven't talked to him for a week.